EvilStratagemini@aol.com wrote:

I am not a crook, wait... wrong speech...
I do not own Ranma 1/2, Even if I did, would you believe me if I said so?
I am not making this for money, after all who would pay for a fanfic?
And finally don't sue me, I have no money, and most of my stuff is worthless 
to sane people.
With all that out of the way let's proceed to the Fanfic!

Try to resist the temptation to turn the disclaimer into a joke. Just give a
serious credit where it is due, preferably listing by name the author(s) whose
characters you are using. This shows respect to said author(s), and fans of them
-- who are probably the people most likely to want to read your story -- will be
better disposed toward you.

   We got to Tokyo General okay, and the doctor's rushed her to the 

doctors

(Add apostrophes only for possessives ("This is the doctor's office...") or
contractions ("...but the doctor's not in right now.") Don't use them when you
just want more than one of something.

maternity ward. For 7 hours she was in horrendous pain and it terrified me to 

Unless they're very large, numbers are best written out in full: seven rather
than 7. I won't point out every instance of this, so look for it elsewhere.

no end. I had never had a child before and neither had she, but I knew 7 

NODOKA: So you've never been pregnant either?

GENMA: Never. Would I lie about a thing like that?

hours was a long delivery time. When the clock struck 10:50 Ranma was born, 
my first glimpse of him was a bloody blue infant, something that looked very 
little like the child my wife and I would grow to love, but the nurse dried 
him off and wrapped him in a blanket and when he finally gained some color in 
his skin handed him to my wife. The look in her eyes made it all worthwhile. 
As the doctor examined my hand (Nodoka had crushed it in delivery) I leaned 
in to kiss my wife and son. Her smile was radiant as she beamed at the young 
child she held in her arms, and when the doctor asked her what his name would 
be, she replied "Ranma, Saotome Ranma, after his father." That was one of the 

GENMA: Dear, my name is *Genma* Saotome.

NODOKA: Is it? Well, close enough.

   When Ranma was four I decided to train him in the Art, to make him the 
martial artist that I never was. It worked for a year, but then his mother 
started taking more of an interest. She started interfering with Ranma's 
training, stopping him from achieving his true potential. I was a fool, I 
wanted the best for my son, and I wanted him to be the best. I still regret 
my actions to this day; they stole ten years with my wife from me and a 
loving mother from my son. But I was a fool then, and I wrote up that damned 
Seppuku contract, a suicide pact for Kami's sake! I gave it to my son, my 

Suggest: for gods' sake!
(or)
for kamis' sake!
(In Shinto, as I understand it, kami are a general class of spirit deity, not a
single being.)

   I had the best of intentions, I never intended to be gone for ten years, 
but I'm a perfectionist with regards to my son, he was never good enough, 
never "Manly" enough. So for ten years we trained. Ten years straight you 
ask? No. I had my son go to school, using what money I could earn doing what 
odd jobs I could to get him into a good private school, no public school was 
good enough for my boy.

Seems to me that you're applying American attitudes to Genma here. The idea that
private, for-pay services are somehow intrinsically better than public ones has
been propagated widely over here, but would a Japanese person really think this
way?

   When Ranma came home from school we would head out to the park. I would 
train, perfecting my new school of the Thousand Mountain Fist and Ranma, well 
he got into trouble. How you ask? Well I'll tell you. There was a Yattai that 

Don't capitalize "yattai"; it's a general class of item, not the name of
something specific.

was run by an old man and his daughter that usually set up in this park, the 
daughter's name was Ukyou Kounji, the man's was Ichiro Kounji. The whole 

That name's spelled "Kuonji".

   We hired a guide, and with him leading us we visited most of the training 
grounds on the map; The Dragons Cave, The Valley of the Supernaut, The 
Ancient Forest of Blades.

GENMA: Hello? Anybody here?

LOCAL PERSON: Hello?

GENMA: Is this the Ancient Forest...

LOCAL PERSON: You know, Pantyhose Taro is a really, really cool guy.

GENMA: Thought so.

Author's Note: Well how do you like it? I'm still not sure if I'll continue 
it or not, though if I do, I plan to take it well through volume 8 of the 
manga. Please Review, I need the help writing I think.

First of all, always remember that the best way to get feedback is to give it
out.

I didn't mention the run-on sentences or the POV inconsistency, since
elisteran's already commented on them. I'd suggest finding the listener some
more significant role to play in the story, or else dropping him altogether.
Maybe start out the story by making it clear that the listener doesn't believe a
word of what Genma is telling him, so that Genma trying to convince him can be a
conflict in the story.

Beyond that... I tend to agree that it's too summary-ish, and that there's not
enough new here. Some revisionist history, but mostly it's all stuff we already
know. For a fic like this to work, IMO, there needs to be more of an emotional
payoff. You need to get us into Genma's thoughts and feelings deeply enough that
we the readers can feel along with what he feels.

Hope this was useful; please let me know if any of it was. Good luck with this
and/or any future fics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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