Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][Fanfic][Ranma] Genma's View
From: "Apollo Racer" <sstevens@new.rr.com>
Date: 5/4/2003, 8:52 PM
To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>


maternity ward. For 7 hours she was in horrendous pain and it terrified
me to
no end. I had never had a child before and neither had she, but I knew 7
hours was a long delivery time. When the clock struck 10:50 Ranma was
born,
my first glimpse of him was a bloody blue infant, something that looked
very
little like the child my wife and I would grow to love, but the nurse
dried
him off and wrapped him in a blanket and when he finally gained some
color in
his skin handed him to my wife.

You're comma splicing here; furthermore, that sentence is really long,
and contains a bunch of conceptually independent clauses. Try saying
it aloud, and you'll probably find that the natural pauses you insert
in the sentence suggest different punctuation. (Maybe, maybe not;
that's the technique I use, and it seems to work well for dialogue)

Sugg: "When the clock struck 10:50, Ranma was born. My first glimpse
of him was a bloody blue infant, something that looked very little
like the child my wife and I would grow to love; but the nurse dried
him off and wrapped him in a blanket. When he finally gained some
color, the nurse handed him to my wife."

Of course, if you have a clock striking 10:50, something's wrong with that
clock.  I haven't seen or heard too many clocks that strike at any time
besides on the hour or on the half hour.  ^_~





             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'