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Ruben Stryfe, like many people, had the habit of waking up
in long bleary stages.
The first stage (one which anybody would be versed in) was
struggling against the urge to just roll over and go back to
sleep.
If he did decide to wake up, the next stage (that only an
organizational freak would be acquainted with) would be to look up
at the ceiling and run over any plans he had for the day.
And the last stage (that almost no one would be even
remotely worried about in even the slightest fashion) was checking
whether or not he was a man or a woman this morning. There had been
a carefree time in Ruben's life where he hadn't worried about this
final stage either, but due to an incident in high school
involving curses, alcohol, and his own stupidity, he'd been stuck
with this stage for so long that he was starting to forget how it
felt to just roll out of bed without worrying the possibility of
twelve extra pounds hanging from his chest.
Having decided to get up, and finding that the only thing
he had planned today was introducing his new roommate to some of
the people in the dorm, he tentatively reached up to his chest
and touched lightly.
The flatness that met his fingers was most welcome, and he
grinned as he swung out of his bunk, jumping down and landing
lightly. "Well, this day is looking up already! The spell wore off,
and I don't have to spend today as a woman!" He stretched and
said, "Yep, yep, yep, nothin' could make this day bad."
That's when the knock sounded on the door...
For a moment, the wizard seriously considered diving under
his bunk and hiding from whatever was on the other side of that
door. He knew that Fate waited like a spider for such carelessly
uttered words, and Ruben wanted no part in whatever Fate had
decided to punish his temerity with.
But Ruben decided to do the foolish thing and stand up to
Fate's cruel taunting. _How bad could it be?_
He strode over and swung the door open.
"Hello! We're members of the Reorganized End of the World
Cult of the Reincarnation of the Destroyer. Can I interest you in
some pamphlets?"
"No thanks, I gave at the office."
"How about donating your soul to the Great Cthulhu Has
Risen From The Ocean Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Ia! Fund?"
`"Hmm. No, I can't, I'm afraid I already sold it for the
power to bend the cosmos around my littlest finger."
"Then how about a year's subscription to Blow Up The Earth
Today magazine?"
"Maybe tomorrow. Thanks for your time." Ruben swung the
door shut and breathed a sigh of relief. _Well, THAT wasn't so bad.
Stupid Dean, making it a campuswide policy that solicitors CAN go
into the dorms... could he POSSIBLY do anything more evil?_
Then, another knock sounded on the door....
KYOUKI NO KYANPASU
(Crazy Campus)
EPISODE 2:
PLUSHIE PERILS
Ashley wakened to one of the most terrifying sounds in the
world: A wizard screaming in rage.
"I'm thrown out of my room for HOW LONG?!?!"
The martial artist sat up in his bed, noting that Ruben
had changed back into a man overnight. The person he was talking
to looked as if he should be lounging on a beach somewhere with a
cold beer in one hand and a cigarette of unusual design in the
other. His blue Hawaiian shirt clashed terribly with his bright
yellow shorts, and his flip-flops looked on the edge of complete
dissolution.
The stranger held up both hands. "Look, dude, I can
totally dig why you don't like being moved temporarily out of
your room with no notice. It's completely unrighteous of us admin
types."
Ruben raised his hands high, a red and black glow emanating from his body as the smell of brimstone filled the air. "'Unrighteous?' UNRIGHTEOUS?! I'll show you UNRIGHTEOUS FROM A
FIRST-HAND PROSPECTIVE!!"
Ashley wasn't sure what Ruben meant by THAT, but he didn't really want to let this poor guy find out. He hopped out of bed and jumped between Ruben and the stranger, interrupting with a joking, "You want I should break his legs for him, Boss?" He used his thickest Mafiosi torpedo accent as he spoke, and cracked his knuckles as a punctuation.
Ruben seemed to seriously consider it for a moment, then
he threw back his head and laughed as the smell of brimstone faded
gently away. "No, no need. He's just the messenger, a pawn in some
demented game of the Dean's." He motioned to the man behind Ashley,
who had stood there calmly the whole time, unruffled by the
wizard's threats. "This is the dorm manager, Ashley. Manager, this
is my new roommate. I was gonna bring you down to meet him, but..."
The manager shrugged. "I can totally understand, m'man. The
circumstances are a little jacked up, and it's cool by me if he
stays here as long as he pays the bills. But, dude..." He trailed
off.
"Yeah?"
"PAWNS SUCK, SO DON'T CALL ME ONE!!!" Ruben recoiled
backwards from the force of the manager's shout, holding a hand up
to protect himself from the blazing glare of the enraged man.
Then, the manager held up one finger and grinned. "The
gnarly horsey-shaped ones rule."
Ruben sighed deeply and rolled his eyes.
The manager looked at Ashley and waved. "Yo, dude! You
look like one of my kind, dude. D'you know the local surf spots?"
Ashley grinned, and the next words from his mouth flowed
smooth as surferboy butter. "No I don't, dude! But it would be
totally great if you could, like, show me, dude!"
Ruben looked back and forth, forth and back, back and
forth, then groaned aloud as he put his face into both hands.
"How do I MEET these people?"
* * * *
The mysterious shadow watched...
The mysterious shadow waited...
The mysterious shadow...
Sneezed, tripped over a small chimney, and nearly fell off
the roof before grabbing a single finger-hold on a loose shingle.
For a moment, as the shingle slid downward, he hung suspended in
midair. Then, the shadow's reflexes took over and he kicked off
the wall, flipping back up onto the roof as the shingle fell free
and dropped into a dumpster filled with cafeteria food that moved
and shifted of its own willpower. A low growl sounded as the
shingle hit, and the shadow looked back and saw the shingle
disappear with a _blurp_ into the mutant mass of food.
"Stupid summer colds," he grumbled. "I just haaad to stay
out all night on a stakeout of the One's window, watching and
waiting." He smacked his forehead. "I am such a jackass."
He looked down at the scroll that he held, reading the
words of prophecy once more, then glanced up at the door to the
dormitory that Ashley was sheltered in just in time to see him
leave, with a long-haired man leading the way towards the cafeteria.
"Your strength is restored, Ashley, and later today I shall
come for you-" He sneezed again and rubbed his nose. "After I
obtain some cold and flu medicine, of course."
* * * *
The dire hints that Ruben dropped during the walk to the
cafeteria were starting to seriously creep Ashley out.
"Make sure you get an extra cup, and strain your orange
juice through a napkin, just in case _something's_ in the
bottom, waiting to attack your nose."
"Don't forget that to pick up a fork at the start of the
line would probably mean your doom; get one at the end, or hope to
the spirits that someone left one on the table for the next
person."
"Blah blah blah, blah blah... why are you looking at me
like that, Ashley? Pay attention!"
"If there's only French toast left, you CAN eat it safely,
but the only way to do it is to use peanut butter on it. No maple
syrup, no shalrien tincture, nothing tasty. The French toast here
only likes peanut butter. Why? Doesn't matter why. Do you want to
come back to the dorm after breakfast, or do you want to leave your
bones strewn on the floor?"
"Beware of the Grue. Don't sit in the shaded part of the
room, and don't use the lavatory."
The cafeteria wasn't that crowded, and its echoing expanse
made it seem even less so. The occasional student was usually
seated by themselves or in small groups, some downing cup after cup
of coffee in a desperate attempt to cope with summer classes that
were all too early, others frantically studying books for much the
same reason, and a third, much smaller group ate peacefully, free
of the scholastic responsibilities that so tormented their fellow
cafeteria-goers.
Ruben steered himself towards one member of this last
group, a blonde, tanned girl with her hair drawn up in a ponytail
on one side of her head that drooped down over her right ear.
Ashley looked at the serving line, sighed hungrily, and reluctantly
followed Ruben. The blonde looked up as they approached, and her
face broke out into a smile that scrunched her slanted eyes almost
shut. "Like, hello Ruben! Who's your uber mega-hunk friend?"
"This is Ashley. He's my new roommate. Ashley, this is
Amberite Starshine Aiko Red Eagle."
"Hiii!"
Ashley blinked. Twice. Then he said, "Umm, that's quite a
long name."
She tilted her head to the side and, if anything, her smile
grew even broader. "Oh, it's because I'm quarter Native American,
quarter Japanese, and half crystal-waving Californian white-trash
wannabe! My parents wanted to totally get all my heritage into my
name." She nodded after a moment. "It's totally righteous by me if
you want to call me Amber!"
Ashley nodded with a broad grin, happy to find another
kindred soul so soon after meeting the manager. _Wow, the people
around here are my kinda folks!_ "Okay."
Amber started making shooing motions, urging them towards
the very short line. "Go! Go! For sure, the okonomiyaki is
_totally_ awesome this morning." Then she waggled a finger. "But I
have to tell you something, Ruben, so make sure you come back
here, for sure."
Ruben saluted in a rather odd fashion, fist to heart then
touching his forehead in a quick motion. "As you command!" Then he
jumped in the air. "Aaaggh!!" After the wizard landed, he directed
a glare at Amber which radiated a molten-rock heat that Ashley
could feel beating against his skin from several feet away. "That
FRIGGIN' HURT!!!"
Amber continued waggling her finger, her smile vanishing
and her eyes opening slightly in a menacing way. "Don't be a
whiner, Ruben. That's what you get for being such a total
smartass!"
For a moment, as lighting crackled back and forth between
the two, Ashley was dead certain that a fight was going to break
out between them.
Ruben made his move first... as the angry mask on his face
cracked then fell to the floor, a hint of a smile replacing it.
"This is neither the time or the place; I can feel the Grue eyeing
us. Shall we continue this another time?"
"I am SO there."
Ashley scratched his head. _Did I miss some inside joke?_
He chuckled as he followed Ruben to the breakfast line. _It ain't
the first time I've had that feeling since I got here, and I'll
wager it won't be the last._
Despite all of Ruben's dire warnings, the line didn't seem
very dangerous at all to Ashley, and he got a pork okonomiyaki and
an orange that looked completely normal in all ways. As he sat down
across from Ashley and Ruben (who was savagely beating his french
toast with a spoon), he grinned. "I've never had this before! I
wonder how it tastes."
Ruben laughed. "As a beautiful young woman told me once,
'the real secret to okonomiyaki is in the sauce.'"
Ashley rolled his eyes and muttered, "There's that feeling
of missing some joke again..."
Amber snapped her fingers. "Oh yeah, that totally reminds
me." She reached to her side and started digging in a satchel as
she continued speaking. "I was performing a ritual purification of
a site yesterday when suddenly this thing, like, appeared out of
thin air!"
She set a small stuffed red cat on the table, its bushy
tail and black nose almost touching as it lay in a state of
absolutely adorable repose. The black buttons it had for eyes had
just a hint of purple in them, and the way they were shaped somehow
suggested a feline's good-natured acceptance of the homage it was due from adoring human servants.
"I took it home with me because it was sooooooo awesomely
cute! Last night, while I was snuggling it, I had one of those dreams when I can totally see the future, and I, like, saw you with the doll so," she put it on Ruben's head, "here ya go!"
"Hey, hey, hey, I do _not_ hold with stuffed animals!" He
didn't reach up to take it off his head, though. "What did you see
happening if I didn't take it? Did you see that?"
Amber lost her smile and opened her eyes fully. "Something
really _bad_."
"What, would Kaminokawaii inflict Her dread punishment upon
me?" That thought seemed to make Ruben think. "Spirits, that's all
I'd need. A cute case of See-Kosis." He scowled.
Ashley watched the plushie lift its head and look him right in the eyes, a baleful purple flame burning in its glassy orbs. For a moment, Ashley wondered who was screaming like a little girl, filling the echoing cafeteria with high-pitched sounds of utter dread, then he realized that it was his own lungs producing such cowardly noises. He forced his jaw closed against the frightened yelps that built up in his throat and beat against his teeth, trying their best to escape his otherwise paralyzed body.
Both of the people across the table from him leaned
forward, surprise mingled with concern on their faces. Ruben was
the first to speak. "What's wrong, Ashley?"
Ashley took another look at the doll, which was still
curled up peacefully atop Ruben's head, its reposeful posture
completely unchanged. "N-n-n-n-n-no-nothing," he stuttered
unconvincingly, fear sweat beading on his skin. _I, oh _DAMN_!
Cats are so scary..._
A ringing beep went off that made Ashley jump backwards in his seat, banging his head into a plastic potted plant that had been placed there by some sadistic planner of cafeterias. Amber reached into her bag and pulled out a small iridescent seashell, putting it to her cheek and speaking. "Indian Burial Grounds Real Estate, this is psychic consultant Amberite speaking, how can I, like, help you?"
"Is that weird thing a phone?" Ashley whispered to Ruben,
who nodded absently as he dealt a deathblow to his French toast.
It keened in agony for a moment, writhing from the mortal wound,
then fell back to the plate. The wizard lifted his fork and licked
the toast's life juices from the murder weapon, smacking his lips
at the taste of delicious syrup.
Amber nodded. "Uh-huh." She fiddled with her purse for a
bit. "Yeah." A notebook leapt out and floated in front of her,
"Eww, how majorly heineous!" The notebook's pages flipped on their
own as she glanced at them carefully, nodding absently to the
person on the other end of the line. She lifted her spare hand as
the pages stopped and ran a finger down the lines. "Uh-huh... now,
what you need to do is get yourself a knife, cut your arm, catch
some of your blood in a bowl, set it out, and then hide under your
bed until I, like, get there!"
She listened a bit more, a slight frown creeping onto her
face. "Well, duh! Of course it'll hurt! But do you want the thing to totally rip out your entrails and, like, get the blood it wants
from you that way?"
Ashley ran what she'd said through his mind and came
against one word that made entirely too much sense. He leaned over
to Ruben and asked, not wanting to sound like a complete idiot in
case he was wrong, "She's a psychic?"
"Yeah."
"And you're a wizard?"
"Golly gee, what was your first clue?"
"So, what's the difference?"
Ashley wasn't sure what he'd been expecting Ruben to say,
but he certainly hadn't been expecting the wizard to shrug
indifferently, gesturing vaguely with one hand. "Not much of one,
t'be honest. Depends on who you ask. It's more a matter of style
than anything else."
The notebook in front of Amber snapped shut and flew back
into her bag. "I should, like, be there in forty minutes, or your
exorcism's completely free!" She popped the phone back into her
pocket and stood up. "Well, I gotta jet. C ya!"
After picking up her tray, she walked off towards the exit.
Ashley waited until she was some distance away before asking, "So,
what _is_ the difference?"
Ruben stood up and held up one finger, taking a deep breath
as he assumed a pompous lecturing posture. He opened his mouth wide
and....
"Nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" the Gweep screamed as he dashed up
and slid between Ashley and Ruben, skidding to a halt gasping for
breath. "Ashley, you fool! Don't give Ruben a chance to give his
boring expository rambling lectures!!"
"What's wrong with my boring expository rambling lectures?"
Ruben seemed honestly curious as he asked this question, his finger
still raised in the air. The Gweep rolled his eyes.
"The fact that you even need to ASK that question is a
very strong indication of what's wrong with-"
Ashley scowled. _If I have to hear the phrase 'boring
expository rambling lecture' one more time, I'm gonna go insane
and tear this place apart!! Wait a second, I just thought the
phrase 'boring expository rambling lecture' myself, does that mean I'm obligated to go insa- awh, forget it._ He derailed his circular
train of thought with a vicious shake of his head, sending burning
fragments of memory and consciousness all over his mind.
"Yo, Ashley..."
The martial artist looked up at Ruben, who had backed away
several steps from the table and was staring at Ashley with surprise and disbelief on his face.
"Yeah, what is it?"
The wizard looked away and reached up to touch the plush cat on his head. "Never mind. I've gotta go take care of some stuff, Ashley; d'you think you can find your way back to the dorm by yourself?"
Ashley grinned and stretched his arms up, putting his hands
behind his head in a casual pose. "Hey, no problem! I mean, how
hard could it possibly be to find my way around the campus?
"That depends on your sense of direction." The wizard reached up and plucked the plushie from atop his head and pocketed it. "Well, if you get lost, just ask for directions. See ya!" He turned his back and walked away, waving casually over one shoulder.
The Gweep slid into the seat across from Ashley and leaned
back, sipping from a coffee cup. "There was something I was supposed to do for you. With you? No, for you." He nodded his head, pulling on one ear absently. "Hey, Ashley, talk to me."
Ashley blinked. "About what?"
"Whatever. I need mindless chatter while I try to remember whatever I'm supposed to remember."
"Mindless chatter is my middle name! Actually, it's Benjamin, but mindless chatter might as well be my middle name." Ashley grinned, then his face went as blank as his mind while he tried to match his boast of creating empty-headed babble. "Hey, my old roommate and his friends were all computer geeks. You're the first of his kind that I've ever seen awake this early in the morning."
The Gweep blinked. "Morning already?"
"...Never mind."
The Gweep snapped his fingers. "That was it!" The Gweep dug into his pocket and slapped the plastic rectangle he extracted on the table, sliding it towards Ashley. "This is your credit card. Don't overuse your funds."
Ashley picked it up reluctantly and looked it over. It had a picture of him grinning broadly on one side and the name of a bank he didn't recognize under his photo. "You're just giving me
some money?" _I hate charity, but do I have a choice?_
"Strange thing about that. Did a search on your name, found
an account of yours that has, apparently, been accumulating
interest for the past hundred and sixty years."
Ashley blinked. Twice. "What?"
"Well, it seems that your bank got snapped up by another bank and that one got eaten by a bigger bank that was just barely large enough to survive the-" The Gweep noticed Ashley's eyes glazing over and cut his explanation short. "You've got a starting stake; enough to buy some books and pay for a few month's rent."
Ashley shook off his temporary boredom-hypnosis and asked,
"What happens when that runs out?"
"What do you think? You're gonna have to find a job." The Gweep finished off his cup of coffee and stood up. "If you need a recommendation, I'm friends with the guy who owns the local Mecha Mike's Pizza."
"But what about tuition?"
The Gweep grinned widely. "Ruben has arranged to blackma-
er, arranged for a friend of his to cover your tuition out of the
kindness of his heart."
* * * *
Ruben wove the spells of illusion and obfuscation which
would let him walk freely through the halls of the Extreme Science
building, not wanting to get stopped by some of the crazed maniacal
students obsessed enough to stick around for the summer classes just to perform their insane experiments without having to share the facilities with less dedicated attendees.
Just as he was about to walk through the doors reinforced with double-layer adamantite (a safety measure the campus had payed
out for after the third experiment in a month rampaged out of
control), Ruben stopped for a second and laughed. "I can't believe
I'm actually here to see one of those crazed manaical students.
Being friends with a _scientist_; what was I thinking?"
He didn't have anything against science, per se. Science
was all right, in its place. But there was something about the
people that frequented the Extreme Science halls...
He bumped one student just walking out of a classroom door
that was lit by a strobing blue and black light which washed out
over the hallway and made Ruben's hair stand on end as if static
electricity were stroking phantom fingers across his head.
The student murmured meekly, "So sorry," then started
muttering to herself as she walked away, jotting notes in a huge
dogeared notebook. "The optimum payload for the destruction of the
planet would be around 3x10 to the third power, I suppose, but it's
always best to leave some margin of error, in case of a protective
force field or unknown entity, so perhaps..."
Ruben watched her walk away and shook his head in
disbelief. It was always that way with scientists. One moment,
"We're calculating the viscosity of ketchup, it's very important to
the future of science," the next, "Oh, by the way, if you slam two
atoms together at speeds of..."
How could they be so naive?
He stopped in front of the door marked "Wiley's Lab" and
knocked twice on the decorative mecha-skull adorning it. The door
swooshed open and he stepped in, leaping to the safe tiles that
were scattered down the corridor, deftly avoiding the traps that
Wiley had defending his-
BWWUUP!! BWWUUP!!
Many security devices rely upon the human instinct to
freeze for just a second when a loud, startling alarm suddenly goes
off. This holdover from cavemen days is often planned for by the
smarter creators of alarm systems and 90% of fatalities are
inflicted in that first split second of animal fear.
A hail of plasma pellets rained down on the spot where
Ruben had been standing as he jumped into the air. _Pfft. What kind
of a sucker does he think I am?_
As he spotted his foe, the being defending Wiley's lab to
the death from all intruders, the wizard cursed vigorously,
preparing himself for mortal combat.
"Not another one of those DAMN LITTLE HARD HATS!!" Ruben
slung a barrage of magic missiles at the little robot, but they all
bounced harmlessly from the Hard Hat's carapace as it ducked under
its protective shield.
"GRRRR...."
Hours of remembered frustration rose to the fore as Ruben
struggled with the urge to destroy half of the building to see if
the little Hard Hat turd could survive THAT.
_Must... not... do it... can't afford... repairs..._
Another barrage of plasma pellets threatened to down Ruben
from where he hovered, and the wizard dodged to the side, then
darted over the little helmet, dropping a timed mini-fireball in
front of the damn thing with the faint hope that the Hard Hat would
peek up just in time to catch it in the face.
As Ruben was about to slam the door open and yell at Wiley
for changing his damn traps AGAIN, he stopped, floating in midair,
and smacked himself in the forehead. "Why the HELL didn't I just
fly in the first place?!"
He landed and swung the door open with a dejected air,
and Wiley looked up from the Ninja-Bot he was working on and waved
a part that had a small cloud of stray wires sprouting from it in
the sorcerer's direction. "Ah, Ruben. What are you here for?" He
tossed the part over his shoulder and didn't seem to notice where
it landed with a clatter.
"I came to see you about the time machine, Devan."
"Time machine... time machine..." Wiley scratched his
chin with a hydrospanner. "Oh! The masterpiece of technological
marvel I finally finished and used for the first (and last) time
yesterday, proving that time travel IS possible after all? THAT
time machine?"
Ruben nodded once. "Yes, that time machine."
"Well, as it turns out, I will never be able to make
another one. Them's the breaks!" He turned away from Ruben and
started adjusting the machine again.
The wizard blinked. "...What?"
Wiley waved the hydrospanner dramatically as he turned back
to Ruben, accidentally smacking a small blue mecha-bird out of
the air. "As it turns out, the manufacturer of a rather small but
necessary component shut down for a permanent vacation, according
to their new jingle, and no one else can make that part. I'm rather
reluctant to kluge something together, because I'm far more likely
to end up melting the vict- er, experiment's mind than transport
him anywhere."
"A part? One little part? What the heck could be so
important? What kind of a mad scientist are you to not WANT to
kludge something together?!"
Wiley shrugged. "Doc Brown's Mad Mad Emporium actually
had some pretty revolutionary stuff, and without that one part,
all that I had was a collection of resistors and capacitors." He
glanced shiftily around. "Erm, to be honest, I TRIED to make one
late last night, but a silver flying car appeared in the middle of
my lab and enforced some 'copyright infringement' laws..."
Ruben lifted one eyebrow. "Copyright infringement? I
thought that the Mads didn't care about that kind of crap."
The mad scientist shuddered. "Some of us do, and the ones
that care about copyrights tend to get aggressively defensive
about them. Let's just say that I was impressed by Brown's display
of power." He waved the spanner again, this time in a whacking
motion. "I'm never gonna make another time machine again."
Ruben turned away before Wiley could see the expression of
relief that spread across his face. _Good, the last thing I need is
the Guardians to take notice of this little campus for someone
else's offense and then spotting ME._ In an offhandedly casual
voice, the sorcerer said, "Well, I guess that I'll head out and
break the bad news to my roommate. You wanna get some beers so we
can welcome Ashley officially into the dorm?"
"Is it my turn to do that already?" Ruben could hear Wiley
counting on his fingers under his breath, then curse softly. "Fine,
I'll quit the lab early and head on out to the store."
The sorcerer looked over his shoulder and nodded. "I ain't
letting you slide out of it THIS time. We have our duties in the
Traditions of Bedlam Hall, and the fact that you let yourself
forget to buy beer once should shame you to the deepest depths of
your soul." He clucked his tongue sadly.
"Look, I keep telling you, I bought the beers, but I got
sucked into an alternate dimension on the way back and the beings
there demanded my beer as a sacrifice to send me-" Wiley cut
himself short.
"You're never going to forget that, are you?"
Ruben asked, an innocent look on his face, "Forget _what_?"
After a moment, he added, "Oh, _that_. Well, I had let it slip
my mind, but now that you mention it I-"
"Just shut up!" Wiley put both of his hands over his face
and groaned, so Ruben took that as his que to depart gracefully.
As the door swung shut behind the wizard, Wiley looked up from
his hands. "The people of this planet have the strangest sense of
humor; how did I ever become friends with ANY of them?"
Wiley went back to the robot for a brief moment, then
looked up again, his eyes widening.
"And did he have that stuffed kitten on his head when he
walked in through the door?"
* * * *
Ashley legitimately enjoyed being lost. The feeling of
discovering the unknown, turning corners and seeing something he'd
never noticed before, finding quiet new places and meeting nice new
people, was a feeling that he never tired of. In a way, he loved it more than skateboarding and martial arts put together.
That being said, on any other day he would have greeted
the opportunity to wander around his new campus aimlessly with a
wide grin. But today, Ashley had money burning in his pocket and
a desire to spend it, so after waving goodbye to the Gweep he'd
toddled off in search of the campus mall Ruben had taken him to
yesterday.
Unfortunately the martial artist had underestimated the
sheer size of the campus, and now he was totally turned around.
_I don't even know which way the dorm is, much less that mall!
Hey, now, wait a second, what's this?_
Ashley stopped dead on top of a ramp that sloped gently
down into a broad concrete lot and looked around it, a broad grin
spreading across his face. _Wow, I can't believe I found a place
like this around here!_
The martial artist jumped up on a curb that warded a section of grass from the cement slope and slid down it agilely, noting the scraped paint all along its surface that bespoke many hours of loving skateboard grinds. When he reached the bottom he jumped off, landing on the balls of his feet lightly. Ashley stared at the ramps, the boards, the rails, the dips, the broken pieces of board, and the glorious cement fixtures surrounding him on all sides and shouted out to the heavens,
"HELL YEAH!"
A short victory dance later, he stopped and laughed out loud, his hands clenched into fists. "A university with its own skate park? And here I was, half-afraid that I'd have to give up one-third of my life! This ROCKS!"
The victory dance resumed for a brief moment, then Ashley's resolve to find the mall firmed around a firm commitment. "I MUST find a board. Even if the little mall doesn't have any boards, someone in there will know the way to a skateshop in town." He picked a direction and started walking, thoughts focused on the money in his pocket and how much of it would buy the board he would desire.
Soon after Ashley's training had begun, his master realized
that, despite the lad's potential, his new student was an airhead in the finest California tradition, easily distracted by any bright shiny object; and he hadn't been shy about informing his new student of this, usually accompanying such a lecture with severe thwacks to the head.
Such training had proven to be less than effective, however. Thus, his master had sought to train Ashley's body in such a way that it would react instantly in any situation no matter what martial-arts irrevelant garbage he was pondering. The success of that training had been proven time and again, because Ashley's attention always wandered far away from his body.
_Now, do I want one with a picture on it or not? I think that - whoops, duck the jumping kick from behind - pictures are such a shame to ruin, especially the beautiful ones that I always wanna blow cash on, but then again, when those pictures are - hmm, better sidestep that clotheline rush or else I might get hurt - all scratched up, it DOES show how dedicated you are to ska-_
But when his attention finally did catch up...
Ashley stopped and slapped his forehead, turning around to get a better look at the man who'd just come out of NOWHERE and attacked him. "Awh, man. Not this AGAIN?!" _If there was just one thing, one tiny, infintesmal wish of mine that Whoever or Whatever is above us all could have granted, it would have been to NOT have any lame-ass challengers attacking me while I'm here. Oh, but noooo, of course not! What the heck is wrong with people?_
The man who'd attacked Ashley spoke in a deep voice redolent with sorrow, his back still turned away from the dumbfounded martial artist. "I desire this conflict as little as you do, truly. But this fight between us is fated to be."
Ashley blinked. "Fated... whafu..." _Who is this guy, what is he babbling about, and why is he speaking with a bad James Earl Jones impersonation?_
"Yes. Truly it is a tragedy for two mighty martial artists
such as ourselves to never have a chance to be friends under the
same master," the man jumped into the air and flipped over Ashley's
head, landing on a metal rail with astonishing agility, "watch as our master is brutally slain, quest together for the honor of our dojo, take revenge, then end up bitter rivals for the master's ultimate technique, but such," the man shrugged, "are the vagaries of life."
Suddenly the man sprang towards Ashley, aiming a flying
knee for Ashley's stomach. When Ashley dodged to the side, the man
managed to stop his forward momentum and used it to swing a side
kick that snapped through the air audibly. Ashley blocked quickly, wincing at the sting of the man's heel against his forearms, then moved in with a quick three-jab combo at the man's face that his opponent deflected with lighting quick arm motions.
The man leapt backwards onto another rail and assumed a ready stance. "My name is Fushigichara Ryuunosuke, and I will defeat you in the name of the fate destined for one of us!"
For the first time, Ashley got a good look at his
assailant. He had dark, reddish-brown skin, with long black hair
wound into a queue that he'd wrapped around his throat. He was
wearing a worn, stained dogi over a white t-shirt, and had pants
that were so baggy and hid his feet perfectly. Though he was
slender, he seemed to broadcast a feeling of solidness; a sense of
immovability. Despite the way that Ryuu held himself ready to spring back at Ashley, his eyes were pools of sadness and regret.
Ashley slid into a ready stance of his own, but he
protested, "Just what the heck makes you think that we're fated to
fight each other? I don't even know who you are!"
Ryuu smiled. "Ah, but this has all the information that we
need." He reached into his dogi and pulled out a small scroll.
As the other martial artist unrolled it, Ashley could see from
where he stood that the scroll was worn and tattered around the
edges, as if centuries old. The martial artist cleared his throat
and began to read.
"Onne thee Morn'ng of June Thee Fifteenthe, Inne thee
Yeare 2147, Ryuunosuke Fushigichara Will Attacke Ashley Raine
Outside thee Cafeteria. Whomsoe'er Is thee Victore Will Gainne...
Will Gainne..." Ryuunosuke peered at the scroll, and a small bead
of sweat rolled down his cheek. "Damn, I spilled cough syrup on
that part..."
He raised his fist to the heavens and shouted, "WHY DID I
PICK THE PURPLE KIND TODAY??? TELL ME, GODS, WHY?!?!"
Ashley fell to the ground in shock, twitching.
* * * *
And very far away, a being lifted its head and listened
to someone cry out in mortal anguish. It grinned sadistically and
said softly,
"Some might think such minor pranks are beneath me, but I
prefer to think of it as... just keeping in practice."
* * * *
Ashley stood up slowly, rubbing his head where the edge of a ramp had clonked him. "But haven't you read this scroll before? I
mean, it DOES have to do with your future, right? This IS really
important, right?" _Damn! Now he's got me interested! Prophecy?
About ME? What could I do that's so important?_
"Err..." Ryuunosuke looked down at the ground. "I... never
read past that part."
Ashley fell to the ground in shock again, twitching.
Ryuu leapt down and knelt next to Ashley. "Are you all
right, my worthy adversary?"
Ashley struggled to his feet, wiping away a trickle of
blood from his forehead. "Weren't you in the least BIT curious?!"
"Well, no, not really. Why, should I have been?" Ryuu
reassumed his ready stance. "Are you ready?"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second!" Ashley waved his hands
frantically. "If you don't know why we're fighting, and I don't
know why we're fighting, and the FRICKIN' prophecy or prediction or
whatever about is is now so much dirty paper, then why are we
even bothering to fight?"
Ryuu posed, one fist raised in the air, stars in his eyes!
"Because it is our fate! Our destiny! Our karma!" He lowered the
fist slowly and looked Ashley in the eyes. "Can you imagine
anything more glorious?"
Without another word, Ryuunosuke lunged forward in a
sweeping kick.
Ashley blocked and dodged automatically, trying to figure
out this guy's style. He wasn't surprised to find that the
specifics of it were unfamiliar to him; it seemed to combine some
Thai kickboxing with some of the more aggressive styles of 'kung
fu' and a dose of some Japanese karate style for good measure.
In other words, a very hard, very fast style; well suited
for taking the offensive. But not so hot against a person oriented
on the defense...
Sooner than it took his slow meat brain to figure it out,
his body was already using a very soft style against Ryuunosuke,
letting the other martial artist wear himself out against thin
air, dodging and shifting to avoid each and every blow. Then...
Ryuunosuke left a kick extended just a half-second too long. Against most people, it wouldn't have mattered; but Ashley took the blow on his forearm, then shifted his arm downward, gripped the leg, and tossed Ryuunosuke into the ground. He recovered and stepped away from his opponent, breathing somewhat heavily. _Man, this guy IS pretty good! Been a while since I've had a fight like this!_
Slowly, Ashley realized that Ryuunosuke was chuckling
softly. "Indeed, you are just as skilled as the scroll stated... I
shall have to use the technique that has been kept, unused, for
untold generations of our family."
Ashley thought to himself with a grin, _Wow, secret
techniques yet! This IS a fun fight!_ He braced himself, sliding
his feet farther apart and moving his forearms to protect his face.
"Now, prepare yourself... FOR THE USAGIKEN!!!"
As per Article 34, Paragraph 4 of the Martial Artist's
Code, Ashley waited patiently as Ryuunosuke assume the ready stance required by his secret mystical technique.
First, he put his fists beside his head and pointed the
fingers up, as if simulating long ears attached to his head. Next, he crouched down, sitting on his haunches. He started brushing his hands against his face.
It was the nose-twitch that was the final straw, however.
Ashley fell to the ground again. For just a moment, the
urge, no, the NEED to laugh was so strong that all he could do was
writhe helplessly in its grip, gasping in agony. After a moment,
though, the spell broke, and the laughter burst forth, first as a
set of almost girlish giggles, then merging gradually into great
bursts of hilarity which wrung themselves from his abused lungs as
tears leaked down his face.
Then, just as he was about to recover...
Boing. Boing. Boing. Ryuunosuke hopped over to where Ashley
was struggling to stand. "What are you fftt fftt laughing at, doc?"
A carrot slid out of his sleeve and he nibbled at it.
It was too much for even Ashley's honed reflexes to stand
against. Though they fought to put him on his feet quickly and beat
the hell out of the rabbit-man, his sensei's training failed for the first time ever.
Not even the mightiest warrior can fight when he's so wracked with laughter he can barely breath. Ashley managed to squeeze out between fresh chuckles, "Y'look ridi-ridi-ridiculous!"
Ryuunosuke frowned, a strange expression indeed on a
rabbit-face. "I'll teach you to fftt fftt laugh at me, doc!"
Ashley, despite the pain straining his lungs, managed to
stand, and assumed a ready stance. However...
Boing. Boing. Ryuunosuke hopped away, and a half-second
later, Ashley felt the sudden impact of a foot against his chest.
He staggered backwards from the force of the blow, wincing in pain.
_I didn't even see his foot move! What a technique!_ He put one
hand on his ribs and lost all urge to laugh as his breath hissed out. _Damn, it might be broken._
Ryuunosuke turned around and twitched his nose. "How d'you
like fftt fft THAT one, doc?"
Ashley suddenly started laughing again, despite the pain
in his ribcage... and he realized what the deadly secret of the Usagiken was.
_He keeps you too blinded with laughter to fight back!!
This technique of his is brilliant! Damn, he's boinging my way
again..._ Squinting through the tears that were leaking from his
eyes, Ashley tried to dodge as his opponent boinged boinged towards
him, but Ryuunosuke's punch landed squarely on his jaw.
"What's up NOW, doc? Still wanna fftt fftt laugh?"
_Damn!_ Ashley reeled backwards again, almost tripping
over a low rail. _How can I possibly defeat him if I can't see him without laughing?_
Suddenly, the answer was clear to him, and Ashley grinned
broadly. _Well, if it's looking at him that's making me laugh..._
Ashley closed his eyes.
Blindfighting is a rarely-used aspect of most martial arts;
the fact that Ashley had practiced using it even a little was a
tribute to both his master and himself. It's difficult to describe
what blindfighting entails without making it sound like a guessing
game, a gamble that your fist would meet his face at precisely the
right moment, a bet against you humiliating yourself by tripping
over some rock in the path and falling over your face, because
that's exactly what blindfighting is.
Boing. Boing. Boing.
Ashley ducked under the fist that he _knew_ was coming and
lashed out with his own secret technique; a technique that had
taken away any joy he might have once had in an innocent campfire
and burning sweets on a stick; a technique that he had forced
himself to master through many painful nights of summer camp...
"ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS IN THE FIRE FIST!!!"
Ashley's fists flickered out faster than a human eye could
follow, hitting a thousand times for every visible punch, slamming
into his foe's face, chest, and lower legs. After about four
seconds of this, he stopped and opened his eyes.
Ryuunosuke lay on the ground, unconscious.
Ashley, blood pounding in his ears as he panted from
exertion and adrenaline withdrawal, gradually became aware of a
clapping and murmurs from around him.
"Wow, that's the best fight on the campus since Ruben took
on the Dean..."
"Naw, doesn't hold a candle to that one. Now, Tyler against
the M-66, on the other hand..."
"Oh my God they're both SOOOO..."
"Will you shut up about that, idiot? You're a married
woman now!"
"I give it a 3.1 on the Campus Mayhem scale..."
"Glad I had my cam handy..."
"Ah, the summer months are usually so boring without the
Dean here. Something FINALLY happened!"
Ruben shouldered his way past the crowds and waved his hand
to Ashley. "Well, it seems that you've gotten introduced to the
local hobby of fight-watching. Don't worry; once the oddsmakers
figure out where your abilities stand, they'll lay off for a
while." Suddenly, his eyes narrowed as he looked over Ashley's
shoulder. "Speaking of which..."
Ashley turned around just in time to have a small recorder
shoved into his face by a man with brown hair tied back in a tail.
"This is Tendo Tatsuya, speaking for _Serenity's Voice_, the school
newspaper. Tell me, what's your name?"
"Ashley Raine, but-"
"How long have you been attending this college?"
"About a day or so, and-"
"Really?" Tatsuya assumed a sudden expression of disbelief.
"And already you've been challenged?"
"Well, I wasn't expecting-"
The recorder bobbed up and down as the reporter grinned.
"Ah, yes, the unexpected often happens at this campus. So, for the adoring ladies that will soon no doubt be circling around you like flocks of vultures, waiting to spring upon you, will you finally reveal for us," He leaned closer, "if you're a briefs man, or do you prefer boxers?"
"Well, I like - Hey, wait a minute!"
Ruben scowled impatiently and pointed one finger at Tatsuya. "Back off, Tendo, before I put a curse of boils upon you." A sickly greenish light began to glow around his finger.
Tatsuya raised one eyebrow. "And have you forgotten already
what _I_ can do to _you_?"
Ruben glared. "Just this once, I think it would be worth it
to see your pretty face break out and start oozing. Do you feel
lucky, or... do you suddenly start to feel the urge to dig your
fingernails into your face, scratching away the top layer of flesh,
painfully..."
Tatsuya twitched, one hand inching away from his side and towards his face. "You wouldn't dare."
The sorcerer didn't say anything, but broke into a grin
that was so horrifying, so terrible, and radiated such pure and
bitter menace that Ashley had to look away from it quickly lest
his mind be destroyed. The martial artist shuddered involuntarily.
_I hope he never throws a grin like that MY direction._
Tatsuya backed away quickly. "That's all for now, Mr.
Raine. But I shall interview you further at a later date..?" As he
talked, he kept moving away faster and faster, and the last two
words were shouted out from almost across the open field.
"I so rarely get the chance to smile like that." Ruben sighed wistfully and traced one of his hair strands with a hand.
"The joy of grinning like that is almost enough to make me give up
the side of Good; how often does a white magician get to smile that way?"
Ashley flicked his hand through his short hair, throwing
the sweat out of it. "Hey, Ruben, do you know where I could get a
good skateboard around here?"
"Wha..? How do you have money?"
Ashley rolled his eyes. "I think the explanation sounded
kind of contrived, but who am I to argue with fortune?" He chuckled. "I mean, it's not like it's part of some person's master plan that I have money in my pocket..." He looked around nervously, suddenly struck by the feeling that someone was watching.
"...Right?"
* * * *
"Sometimes, I just don't understand you, Felix."
"What's to understand? I'm Playful Evil, not Stupid Evil." Felix tapped a white pawn against the table. "...Does this strike
you as sadly stereotypical, Motoko?"
"What do you mean?"
"Two immortal beings of immense power, playing chess
against each other, discussing the fate of the world as if nations
were the chessboard and heroes our pieces?"
Motoko arched an eyebrow. "We've _earned_ the right to
discuss the fate of the world as if nations were etcetera ad
nauseum. It's not like either of us really thought we'd be here a
hundred years ago."
Felix grinned. "Speak for yourself. I had big plans for
myself then, and I've got even bigger plans now." His grin
broadened. "But, y'know, while we're on the subject of chessboards
and pieces-"
"Yeah?"
The man waved the pawn towards Motoko. "Are you _ever_
gonna make your move?"
Motoko gave a sudden start. "I'm sorry, Felix, I was just
thinking about the past, and how strange it all turned out."
Felix nodded, a bit sadly. "Yes, there is quite a bit of
past between us, isn't there?" Then he grinned. "And even my
orchestrated and elaborate schemes have changed a bit since I first
concieved them! I mean, ME, a teacher?"
He added after a moment, "Well, senior faculty
administrator, to be perfectly accurate."
"With the streak of sado-masochism that you have? It was
either professional teacher or Court Torturer." Motoko reached out
and shifted her rook. "Check."
"Dammit, suckered again."
Now it was Felix's turn to study the board. After a
moment, he grimaced and took the rook with a pawn, which lead to
a sudden bloodbath in the middle of the board. Pieces valiantly
slew other pieces and were slain in their own turn, removed from
the grim battlefield one by one to greet their comrades in the
afterlife of the chessboard's side.
When the last combatants had fallen, Felix was left with
only a king and a knight that had wandered far afield from his
lord, staring altogether too many pieces in the face. After
tipping his king over with one finger, he smiled up at Motoko.
"Again?"
"Please."
Felix set up all the pieces again, this time switching
the colors, stealing one of her rooks, putting his queen right
next to her king, covering his queen's position with a bishop...
_After all,_ he reasoned, _if she's busy looking out
of that window with a distant, half-sad expression in her eyes,
she can't be much wanting to play chess, now can she?_
When Motoko turned her attention back to the board and
found a fool's mate awaiting her, she grimaced. "Dammit, suckered
again. Can't believe I looked away from the chessboard long enough
to let you get away with that."
Felix grinned. "That puts me up, what, 347 to 343?"
Motoko shook her head and frowned. "You're forgetting
that night eighty years ago when you got me drunk, thinking it
would make me play worse, and you lost twelve games in a row!"
He frowned. "No, 'forgetting' wouldn't be the word. Though
the phrase 'brutally excised all memory of that night from my mind
to cover the trauma' might begin to cover what I had to do to
remove the shame." He bowed his head and pretended to sob.
"The Goddess thinks that things may start to move soon."
Felix, rather than pretending to be confused by this change
of subject, simply looked up, his crocodile tears drying on his
cheeks. "Already?"
"Yes."
The man rubbed his chin as he studied the black queen.
Crafted from a dark stone that glistened almost transparently in
the sunlight, it was carved to resemble an old woman clutching a
small computer in one withered claw and letting a stream of gold
coins fall from the other. "And to think, a hundred years ago we
thought _we_ had troubles..."
"Yes, and now we leave this next fight to our children,
and their children. I still think that this makes us cowards."
"And I still know that they would be prepared for such as
you, or I, or the Jacobin, or even the Goddess Herself, but there
is no way they can prepare themselves against every single possible
Hero I can train."
Motoko shrugged. "C'mon, even if you WEREN'T training up
Heroes at that school of yours, you know the Goddess as well as I
do. She'd just lean back in her chair, waggle one finger, and say,
'Silly girl, it'll all work out for the best.'"
Felix threw his head back and laughed heartily. "Yes, She
would say that. I still remember when Stryfe and I tried to figure
out what She was a Goddess OF. After three weeks of what we thought
were experiments carefully hidden from our subject, She just
flicked me in the forehead and told me the truth."
"...Truth?"
He set the black queen down and stood up. "Yeah, she's the
Goddess of-" he cut himself off. "Well, I can't tell you that, I'm
afraid." After sitting back down, Felix rested his chin on steepled
fingers. "But at least she isn't totally blowing off my Hero
project. Let's face it, we're just too old for the Hero schtick."
Motoko sighed again. "I know that you're right, of course,
but... still, it bothers me that I can't do anything other than
watch the approaching shadow and hope that you find someone capable
of throwing it back."
"I will, don't fear." He rearranged his features into a
suitably evil grin. "After all, I am the Great and Terrible Dean,
Felix Salouse! My students battle against me every day... what
better way to train the heroes among them?"
His phone rang, and in a smooth motion Felix opened it
up and answered. "It is I." He nodded. "Mm-hmm, hmm... yeah,
thanks." He snapped the phone shut. "Knight forks bishop and
queen, and the queen scurries away. Check in three moves." His
grin this time was suitably diabolic, and Motoko shivered.
"I don't know what the hell that was about, and I don't
WANT to know. You really ARE evil, aren't you?"
* * * *
Drum Major Pip looked up from the baton she was polishing
and frowned. "I get the feeling... that no one was paying attention
to me today. That makes me feel sad."
She tossed the baton to the side and stood up, stretching
the kinks out. "I know what would cheer me up!" She reached one
hand out and caressed her one true love, the only ray of sunshine
in her craptank of a life.
"Oh, Chia pet, you're the only one that understands me..."
* * * *
"Here's to our new dorm-mate!"
Ashley and Ruben had spent six hours searching the city for
a skateshop, traveling everywhere. Finally, they found one not a
mile away from the campus, but Ruben had forced him to buy something after only two hours of oo'ing and ahh'ing over everything there. After walking back, Ashley had found a small party being thrown in his honor.
Ashley grinned as he stood up. "Hey, I don't know how long
I'm gonna be here, but I'm sure gonna have fun while I'm here!" He
held up his can of beer in salute, and the ten people in the dorm's
common room held up their cans too.
The manager poked his head into the doorway and scowled at
the sight of beer. "Dudes! How TOTALLY weak, lame, and unrighteous of you to throw a party in MY dorm. There are rules, y'know?!?!"
After a moment, he winked at Ashley. "Rule one: I want in on any
drinkin'. I'm mortally offended that you would even THINK
about throwing a party without me!"
He disappeared and then reappeared almost instantly, a
six-pack dangling from his fingers. "I come bearing the bringers
of blindness!"
Wiley slapped Ashley on the back and winced as his fingers
stung from the hardness of the martial artist. "Ow! I mean, well,
maybe you'll get to like it here enough that you won't want to go
back. Aheh, heh, hehh..." The scientist chuckled nervously.
Lilah leaned forward. "Where is he from, anyway?"
The martial artist looked around. "Uh-"
Ruben interrupted. "Eh, no need to worry about that." He
waved a beer around. "Let's just relax and greet our new compadre!"
Ashley eyed the beer in Ruben's hand and lifted one
eyebrow. "Hey, didn't Lilah say something about that girl thing
being related to alcohol? I'm... I'm pretty curious about you. I
want to hear this story about your curse."
The Gweep chuckled. "Yeah, it's a good one."
Wiley grinned maniacally. "Yeah, I've heard it five times,
and it just keeps getting funnier... every time I hear it..." He
started laughing uncontrollably, resting his head on the table.
Someone unfamiliar to Ashley appeared in the doorway. "Yes,
indeed, to hear again the tale of the mighty Ruben's fall would
edify and amuse anyone within earshot. It is a monument to sheer
stupidity, a delight of mental defectiveness, and a goddamn funny
story." The tall man shouted out, "HEY EVERYBODY, RUBEN'S GONNA
TELL-"
"YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, BEN!!" Ruben rose into the air and
shot towards the man in the doorway, fire in his eyes and in his
hands.
"Nyah nyah, you can't hit me!" The man named Ben dodged to
the side, and Ruben followed him out of sight down the hall.
Wiley turned to Ashley and, ignoring the sounds of battle
from the hallway, said conversationally, "He's a little sensitive
about the situation around his curse. I honestly don't think he
cares that much about WHAT he's cursed with, but-"
Amber nodded, ponytail on top of her head bouncing, her
smile growing just a bit. "Yeah, he, like, totally hates it if you,
like, mock him about it. But it's just soooooo cute when he gets
mad!" She giggled for just a moment, then pulled out a Magic 8-Ball.
"Oooooh spirits of the, like, 8-Ball, please totally tell
me if Ruben is going to tell the story tonight..." She squinted at
the glass for a moment, then looked a bit sheepish. "'Please
deposit twenty-five cents.' I can't believe I forgot!"
"Well, that should shut him up for a while," Ruben said
as she came back into the room, her loose button-up shirt torn
fairly badly. She held up one corner, looking at a long rip in
the side, and grimaced. "Great, just great. Now I'm gonna have to
fix this damn thing."
The Gweep frowned. "You didn't hurt him too badly, did you?
He owes me forty bucks for fixing his grade last semester."
She flapped one hand idly. "Don't worry about it, he should
recover in a few days." Ruben grinned evilly. "Let's see him laugh
about curses _next_ week." The sorcerer turned sorceress slapped
her hands together, miming the wiping of dust from them. "Mweh,
heh, heh."
Ashley frowned. "So, are you telling the story or not?"
Ruben shrugged. "It'd be much easier to _show_ you."
She walked over to the little coffee table that rested in
the middle of the dorm lounge and held one hand two feet or so
above the top, breathing deeply. She closed her eyes and started
murmuring, waving her hand around and around in circles that grew
larger as a shimmering, wavering outline of a scene formed itself
under her hand. Ashley watched in fascination as Ruben swirled her
hand faster and faster, and the picture responded by filling out in
color and suddenly, it solidified into a near-perfect three-
dimensional image.
Ruben took her hand away, and the martial artist examined the
scene closely, bending towards the table. The image was of a
typical living room in a well-to-do house that didn't look all that
different from his mother's own setup at home, with a couch facing
a television over a low-set table and two loveseats flanked the
couch at acute angles. Seated on one of the loveseats was a couple
entangled in each other, and on the couch were two guys with
another girl seated between them.
One of the men was instantly recognizable as Ruben, albeit
slightly younger and quite visibly drunk, with a red flush across
his face and sprawled out over half of the couch with a small glass
of... something in his fingers, frozen in a toast towards the
television screen. Scattered across the table was an impressive
collection of multicolored bottles and several dozen cups of
varied sizes, shapes, and materials.
Ruben cleared her throat. "On that fateful night, I was
sixteen. I'd been invited to a party, a real party, my first one.
The main themes of the party were alcohol and some crazy old
cartoons..."
Amber frowned, and one of her eyes opened slightly. "It's,
like, called anime! Don't make me get totally vengeful otaku on
your ass!"
Ruben waved one hand dismissively. "Whatever." She waved her
hand one final time over the scene, and it started moving. Sound
began blaring from the tiny television set, and ice tinkled in a
glass that someone was swirling idly. Ashley watched the story
unfold, fascinated.
* * * *
Becky sighed, bored out of her gourd. Usually, she managed
to cruise through life with a sense of amused detachment, finding
almost anything and everything interesting or funny or cool in
_some_ fashion, but tonight... _Stupid lame parties. When did
alcohol start losing appeal for me? Maybe because Ruben's hogging
all the Scotch and there isn't a drop of tequila in the place. And
it doesn't help that the only thing to do here other than drink is
watch these lame old cartoons. If only Ami was here, we could make
out like pretty-boy over there with his new tart, but...
Nathan's paramour let out a small, whimpering moan, and
Becky stood up to throw a pillow at both of them. "Shut up shut up
shut up! Get a freakin' room!" _Gawd, she's cute. Too bad she
doesn't have a drop of taste..._
Nathan moved his gaze away from the girl long enough to
look Becky up and down languorously. She felt his Glamour touch off
a spark deep within her, and she shuddered. _Stupid magic elven
crap. I should tear his spleen out for doing that..._ "Come on over
here then. I can handle two at once."
Becky shuddered again, theatrically this time, as she gave
Nathan a long cold stare. "The girl I wouldn't mind, but you would
just be an unnecessary nuisance, an appendage that would wither
all too _quickly_."
The pretty boy grinned as he caressed the girl's cheek.
"Sure you don't want to put that to the test?"
Ruben shouted out, all too loudly, "Hey, b'quiet! I'm
watchin' thish!"
Becky harrumphed in disgust as she glanced down at Ruben,
who was slumping backwards even further under the influence of
alcohol. _What a lightweight. Spirits, it's his first time
drinking, you'd think he'd take it kind of easy, but nooooo..._
Ruben muttered something that Becky barely caught. "I dunno
what that guy's stressin' about. I shink it'ud be coooool to turn
inta a guirl sometimes."
Suddenly sensing the potential for something a _lot_ more
interesting than anything she'd seen all night, Becky leapt onto
that comment with all the speed and agility she possessed. "It's a
lot harder being a girl than you might think, Ruben."
Ruben waved the shotglass in his hand around, slopping
quite a bit of it over himself. "Yeah ri'. How hard could it be?"
"You think so, eh?" Becky allowed herself a slight smile.
He was good and hooked now. If there was one thing about Ruben that
she knew quite well, it was the fact that he never, ever backed
down from a challenge. "I bet you fifty bucks wouldn't last one day
as a girl, Ruben."
Ruben sobered up a bit at this. "An' how do you prepose-
sugget- recennend- say I become a girl?"
Becky barely held back her laughter. _Maybe I should give him
a bit of line to play with..._ If there was one thing about Ruben
that she knew quite well, it was the fact that he never, ever
backed down from a challenge to his magical abilities. "I thought
you were the best magician in school, Ruben. Are you saying you
aren't good enough to cook up a sex-change spell?"
By now, despite the bink's attempts to drag Nathan's
attention back to her, the pretty boy was watching Ruben very
closely. Link, the man who'd brought them all together in the first
place, had pressed pause on the ancient VCR's remote control and
turned his attention to Ruben as well. Under such close scrutiny by
his peers (especially Link, who was almost his equal in
spellcasting), Ruben flushed. "Of course I could. But it would be
incridid... real dangerous to make a new spell jus' fer a bet."
And now to reel him in... "I guess I can understand if you're
not able to do it." That did it. Ruben stood up in a sudden fit of
alcohol-inspired anger and dashed his shotglass against the table.
"I'll do it ri' now!" Ruben turned to Link. "Got any skesh-
drawin' paper and pencils around? I'm gonna sketsh up a ritual real
quick."
Link stuttered for a moment. "B-but that's crazy! At least
wait until tomorrow, when you've sobered up a little!"
Ruben directed the full force of his glare at Link. "I get
it. Ya don' shink I can handle it either! Well, I'll sheew yew.
Now, GET THE PAPER." Too surprised by the sudden Command to counter
the spell, Link got up and got what Ruben had demanded, moving
mechanically.
While he was waiting, Ruben downed several more shots, and
Becky... started feeling a little guilty. Even though she didn't
know that much about straight-up magic (her family's brand of
magic was a bit on the esoteric side), she could figure out that
it probably wasn't a good idea to cast spells while under the
influence, much less make them up on the spot. "Uh, Ruben, I'll
understand if you want to wait until tomorrow..."
Ruben waved one hand dismissively. "No, no, no! I kin do it
tonight. I got an," he belched loudly, "angle, y'see."
He walked unsteadily to the kitchen table after Link handed
him the paper and pencils, and as the spell cleared away from
Link's eyes, the worry set in. "This can't be good, but..."
"But?"
Link sat down heavily. "Even drunk, he's stronger than I."
The people in the living room listened and waited as Ruben
spent the next hour drawing madly, muttering and screaming at
himself by turns, and occasionally staggering back into the living
room for a liquid 'bracer.' To distract herself, Becky actually
tried to pay attention to the cartoon on the screen, but in vain.
_What kind of a hack wrote this? Did he actually THINK that scene
where the guy's friend broke the fourth wall was FUNNY? Some people
should be shot before they get published..._
Soon after the credits on the third episode rolled by,
Ruben tried to walk into the living room. 'Tried' being the
main word. His stagger meandered back and forth across the carpet
as he blinked owlishly, trying to focus his eyes. "I'm don'! Link,
d'you have a piece a' chalk an' some floor space I could use?"
Link and Becky exchanged a glance that left unspoken the
words, "This is rapidly going from bad to worse."
Link said cautiously, "Of course, Ruben. I use my basement
for rituals."
Ruben turned for the door leading down to the basement, but
before he'd taken one step Becky threw herself at him. "Please,
_please_ wait until morning!"
Ruben shrugged her off. "NO! I'm jus' as good as I always am!"
He stormed angrily to the basement door, slammed it open, and
disappeared down the stairs. Becky turned to Link.
"Couldn't you put him to sleep or something? He's so drunk
already..."
Link shook his head slowly. "No. Even as drunk as he is, he'd
still be able to counter anything I cast."
Nathan's bink had left an hour ago in disgust at the lack of
attention that he'd been paying her, but for reasons known only to
himself, Nathan was still sticking around. He started for the
basement, flashing a casual grin over his shoulder at them. "Well,
it would be a waste not to watch a _real_ master at work, wouldn't
you agree Link?"
Link fumed silently at this latest insult to his own
abilities, then stomped down the stairs right behind Nathan. Becky,
left alone in the living room, pressed 'Stop' on the video player
and went down into the basement herself. She wasn't about to miss
out on the fun.
* * * *
The scene stopped moving as soon as Becky left it, and Ashley
breathed a quiet sigh of relief. Though he didn't know what magic
had made him able to hear inside Becky's head, even a little, he
hadn't been comfortable with the sensation at all.
Ruben swished her hand through the scene, dissolving it. He
spoke softly, but with a tone that drew Ashley's eyes to him. "I
quickly drew the ritual pattern on the floor, centered myself as
best as I could while so wasted off my ass that I could barely
stand up, then chanted the words that I'd clumsily scrawled on the
side of the paper.
"Energy swirled around me, catching me up in a cyan and
violet whirlwind, lifting me into the air, then... disappeared just
as quickly as it had come, leaving me. Unchanged. I wasn't entirely
clear-minded at that point, but I remember being so angry that I
stormed out of the house, into the driving rain.
"As I was walking towards the door, I started feeling stranger
and stranger, but I shrugged all that off as drunkenness... until
I stepped outside and the change that I've become all too familiar
with swept over me. The only thing I can remember thinking, as
cold water dripped down my body, was, 'I have BREASTS.' Then, I
fainted, and woke up in Becky's bed. The first thing she said to
me was, 'I told you that you couldn't last one whole day as a
girl.'"
She sat silently for a moment, than added, "As you might
imagine, that wasn't the greatest way to start my first morning as
a woman, and the hangover didn't exactly make it a pleasant day. It
wasn't until three days later that I finally changed back, and I
rejoiced, until... I cast a spell that was too powerful and found
that this was no temporary curse."
To be honest, Ashley had tried to be polite. He'd held in
his laughter, and despite the uncontrollable way his lips were
twitching, he'd mastered even the urge to smile.
But the expression on Ruben's face as she remembered those
moments were just too much.
As he put his head against the table and howled with
laughter, Wiley leaned over to Amber. "Hearing that story always
affects the first-timer that way..."
Amber nodded vigorously. "I know that I TOTALLY laughed
my ass off!"
Ruben groaned as her head hit the table, but for an entirely different reason than her roommate's, beating her face into the surface over... and over... and over... "Will you PLEASE stop talking about it like I'm not here?"
* * * *
"Oh man, I am BEAT." Ashley groaned as his head hit the
pillow.
For some reason, soon after Ruben had told her story and
the martial artist had finally wound down, he'd started feeling
very tired. _I've heard of jet-lag. Is this some kind of time-lag?_
He rolled over and looked up at the top bunk, sighing. _I
wonder how long it'll be until I get back home, anyway? This place
is nice and all, in a... strange way, but I don't really belong
here!_
His eyes closed slowly, the fog of sleep heavy on his mind,
and he reached out one hand in a idle stretch, clenching his fist
around a handful of soft fur.
"Mrrow? MRRORW!!!"
"ARRRGGHFFFMMPH!"
* * * *
Ruben stopped in the middle of her beer, and her ears
perked up. "Hey, did you guys hear that?"
Devan shrugged. "What, a scream that sounded like a lone
child suddenly crying out in complete and total terror, than just
as suddenly being silenced?"
"Yeah..." Ruben stood up suddenly. "I think it was Ashley!
Dammit, I can't let my investm- friend suffer from something like
that!"
She ran out of the room, sprinting at full speed, and Amber
watched her go. "I wonder if Ruben, like, remembers how much she
bounces as a girl?"
* * * *
Slowly, oh so slowly, Ashley awoke from the darkness that
oppressed him, swimming up through tides of unconsciousness that
sucked voraciously at his mind, battling past the nightmares of red
furred monsters tearing him limb from limb, and finally broke
through-
Into a world of hurt.
"Owch!!!" He flinched, and the raw surface of his skin
rasped against the blanket that covered him.
"Are you all right? What happened to you?"
Ashley turned his head towards Ruben, and got... an eyeful.
In fact, quite a bit more than an eyeful, as she was only wearing a
loose tank-top and was leaning very far forward, concern in her
eyes.
_P...pink?_ "Gahhh..?" His nose started to leak blood and
his salivary glands went straight into overdrive. However, those
same glands had forgotten that their owner was lying flat on his
back, and the results were predictable.
Ashley sat up straight, coughing as he tried to expel drool
from his lungs. Ruben reached over and pounded the martial artist
on his back. "Don't die, fer the spirits' sake; it's only a bunch
of scratches!"
Ashley sat back slightly, making sure to not look towards
his roommate. "The last thing I remember is a red-" he shuddered.
"..cat... I HATE cats... they're so scary..."
Ruben gasped. "As a child, were you subjected to some soul-
destroying super-secret martial arts technique that involved
throwing you into a pit of full of hungry felines and left you with
a lifelong terror of cats?!?"
Ashley blinked. Twice. "N-no. I just don't like cats. What
the hell would give you an idea like that, Ruben?"
Ruben looked innocently up at the ceiling and said, "No
reason..."
"Yeah, the soul-destroying super-secret martial arts
technique had absolutely nothing to do with it." Ashley shrugged.
"The only side effect from THAT is the occasional urge to OD on
catnip...
"But what the heck could have attacked me?"
Ruben looked puzzled. "I don't know. The only thing in the
room was the plushie that Amber gave me. See?" She held it up.
Ashley looked towards it, and it LOOKED at him, a fire in
its beady black bead eyes. He screamed again, and Ruben looked at
him strangely. "What's wrong?"
"That THING is what attacked me!!"
Ruben lifted the plushie up and she examined it closely.
"Not a chance. This doll doesn't have any aura at all; it's just a
plushie. Besides..."
Ashley blinked. "Besides..?"
The sorcerer-turned-sorceress huggled the plushie. "It's
SOOO CUTE!!!!!" she squealed. And then--
She giggled. The diabetic content of the room rose by three
hundred percent, filling it with an almost-visible pink sugar
smoke that seeped into every crack and cranny of the room, making
it glow a sickly-sweet shade.
It was all too much for poor Ashley. "Geh.....?"
* * * *
Ryuusuke came to suddenly, springing to his feet in a
single sinuous move. He touched the bruises on his face and chest
disbelievingly. "He... defeated the Usagiken? This means that I
shall have to unlock the ultimate forbidden technique."
He nodded decisively. "I shall return, Ashley, and when I
do, I will defeat you." He looked at the scroll lying on the ground
nearby, and sweated. "And hopefully, the Elders will have another
copy of the scroll."
* * * *
The cab that pulled up in front of the Administration
building was a shabby, disreputable vehicle; well-suited to
disgorge the person that stepped out onto the campus and looked up
at the sky.
His visible clothes were a worn duster that was closed
tight around his neck and torn pants; the right sleeve of the
duster had either been torn or burned away. Around his right
forearm was a strange, black gauntlet with filigree lines worked in
gold that created the illusion of a circuit around his arm. Set
into the gauntlet just above the back of the hand was a large, red
gemstone that gleamed with fire in the moonlight.
The man stuck that hand into his pocket and removed a wad
of bills. After handing the whole thing over to the driver, the cab
peeled away, leaving the mysterious man standing in front of the
Admin building.
He grinned. "Well, well, well. Looks like I'm finally
back. Time to recruit some 'archeological assistants.' Mweh,
heh, heh..."
AUTHOR'S NOTES
Okay, questions questions questions.
Who is the Hero referred to in the conversation between Ami and
Felix? That... is a secret. ^__^
Is Motoko anyone that a longterm fan of certain animes should know?
That is also a secret.
What does the author have against french toast? That... is not a
secret. He likes it, but detests what cafeterias do to the stuff...
,<
For those not in the 'Japlish' know, Usagiken is a combination of
Usagi (rabbit) and ken (technique, fist.) So it's the RABBIT
FIST!!! Truly a deadly technique...
And the Roasting Marshmallow Fist is indeed a parody/copy/whatever
of the infamous Kachuu Tenshin Amiguriken from Ranma 1/2.
Okay, and the characters from Ruben's flashback are from another story of mine. ^_^ No big deal, right?
Aaron Bergman
iamfanboy@uymail.com
"I must not listen to the Cuteness... Cuteness is the mind
killer... Cuteness is the adorable little death that brings
total annihilation. I will face my Cuteness... It will pass
over me and through me, and only *I* will remain."
-Atomic Starlight Knight
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