Subject: [FFML] Re: [R1/2][GD] Neko Can't part 8
From: elisteran
Date: 4/15/2003, 6:02 AM
To: ffml@anifics.com


Comments below. I've tried to avoid repeating what Michael Chase
already pointed out.

JLee100441@aol.com writes:

I'm also working on a few other crossovers as well.

*hopeful* Legionnaires? ;-)
 
Part 8
    Ranma and Monique followed Nabiki down the streets of Nerima. As they 
walked they engaged in small talk. What the school was like, what there was 
to do in Nerima, how long would it take Kuno to recover. 

it would (to maintain the parallel construction)

    Finally they came to a house surrounded by a high wall. Ranma stopped as 
he noticed the sign.
    [Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts]
    "Something wrong Ranma?" asked Nabiki noticing the frown coming to his 
face.

asked Nabiki, noticing

    "Oh, nothing. Just looking at the sign, that's all." Nabiki filed that 
away for later.
    "Please, follow me." Said the short haired girl, opening the
gate. As the 

follow me," said the short-haired girl,

(note that periods only end quotations when the sentence containing
the quotation itself is ending, and you shouldn't capitalize the next
word in a sentence following the dialogue)

    "Welcome to our home."
    Both Ranma and Monique bowed at her as Nabiki continued. "I've invited 
them for dinner. That won't be a problem will it?"

, will it?

    "Of course not. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes."
    Nabiki nodded and they all headed for the house.
    "What are you doing here?" Ranma turned to see Akane Tendo coming from a 
small building on the side of the compound and looking angry as ever. Before 

as angry as ever

he could answer, Nabiki stepped in.
    "I invited them here."
    Akane glared at her sister. It was bad enough that she had lost all her 
allowance betting on Kuno. Ok, so he had beaten Kuno earlier that morning, 
she had thought that it was just a fluke. So she had bet everything she had 
on Kuno. Now her sister had invited the boy who had caused her to lose her 
money to their home. "Why did you have to invite HIM!" 

HIM!?

    "Come on, we'll talk in the living room while we wait on
    dinner. Why  don't you get cleaned up Akane" That said the
    middle Tendo sister, entered  the house.

get cleaned up, Akane?" That said, the middle Tendo sister entered

    Soun suddenly rushed up to Ranma. "Did you say your name was Ranma!"
    Ranma blinked then nodded. "Yes Tendo-san, I'm Ranma Diggers."

Yes, Tendo-san, 

    "Oh." Said the older man, as he visibly deflated and walked back to his 
spot at the table.
    Seeing the light leave Soun's eye at the mention of his last name, Ranma 

Just one eye? 

(and I frantically push down the image of Soun as pirate with eye
patch)

    Soun shook his head. With such poor training, there was no way the boy 
could stand up to the might of Anything Goes. It was unlikely he could even 
stand up to Akane, being trained by a woman. Soun would have to make sure to 
stop Akane, before she actually hurt Ranma. (He just doesn't get it, does 
he?)

I'd suggest leaving out the author asides. I think they distract from
the main story.

    "My defense is fine!" (Slap! Slap! Slap!) Akane jumped back rubbing her 
burning face. Soun almost jumped in at that point, but Nabiki grabbed hold of 
his arm.
    "You were saying. As my mom would say 'You've got a lot to learn 
junior.'" Akane growled and charged forward.

learn, junior

    Monique screamed and hid behind Ranma. Much to Nabiki and Kasumi's 
surprise however, the boy wasn't impressed! {Hmm impressive size, but no 
where near as intimidating as Dad's flaming skull.} "She isn't hurt."
    "You threw her into the pond!"
    "I could have just as easily broke her leg."

broken?
(I don't quite have a feel for your Ranma's speech patterns, though)

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