It's been a while since I read a good quality OMG fic. I glad this was one.
Good job.
Just as I care for my brother, I care for you as well.
Don't you mean YOUR brother?
Though Megumi was rather surprised, though it paled in comparison to her
introduction to Keiichi's dorm room.
One of those two 'though's can be discarded.
Though what she did was not entirely clear, for after the woman attacked,
she passed out and found herself waking up in her apartment.
Correction. She woke up at the Nekomi race track.
But you did... you took my brother from me... now I'm all alone.
I hope you are refering to the fact that Bell is Keiichi's girlfriend NOW and
not the childhood encounter, which she should have no way of knowing.
Though she did seal Keiichi�s memory concerning the goddess he had
befriended, it had left him changed. Changed slightly, but enough so that
he never played with his sister anymore. Leaving Megumi alone.<<
I beg to differ. From the manga we know that Keiichi and Megumi played
softball together as children. Megumi was still into the sport at NIT when she
joined the Softball Club there. I can't be sure, but I believe that her
enthusiasm in a team sport contradicts your description of her as a loner
even before she came to NIT.
�I promise. As long as I live, I will never hurt you. But that does not
mean that others will not.�
You do realise that goddesses DO NOT make promises lightly, yes?
Before I came to this earth to meet your brother again,
Ditch the 'again'. If she doesn't tell Keiichi this, she'll NEVER tell another
mortal.
However, because of the obvious lack of Megumi based-fics on the net
and the fact that she�s a minor character in the manga, I really didn�t have
much to go on. So, I�m hoping I got the characterization right.<<
I'm afraid you may have missed somewhat. As I pointed out earlier, Keiichi
do not stop being with Megumi after losing Bell as a child. She did not grow
up estranged from him and retains a habit of coming to Keiichi when in deep
trouble. She's also a more sociable person that you give the impression of
here. Otherwise she wouldn't be running the Softball Club.
Minor detail: You made the common mistake of putting Megumi in the Auto
Club. She isn't, she never attends meetings at the clubhouse. She runs the
NIT Softball Club.
I�m worried that this fic has either Belldandy too OOC or the fic itself is too
preachy like Kenshin is.
People often forget that Belldandy has a domestic side and a serious side as
well. However you should consider loosening her formality during the first
few and last converstions of the fic.
Next is this:
"But wait, if that's so, why not just reveal yourselves? It would make
things a bit easier."
"That it would. However, it would cease to give man reason to exist."
I suggest you refrain from thinking too much about why the goddesses
conceal themselves. Given your description of the relationship between
mortals and the gods, can you tell me why they wish to conceal their
existence yet still have TWO wish granting agencies?
Personally, I cannot reconcile the gods' desire to remain hidden with the
existence of the wish granting agencies. Unless you can find a way to, I
think this is one of those things that should just be sidestepped. It is
irrelevant to your fic anyway.
Third, if Megumi's possession required this kind of follow up, what about
Keiichi? He was possessed by by the Lord of Terror before!
Finally, do refrain from calling kamisama 'Father'.
It's irrelevant to your fic, so I won't talk about Keiichi's parents here. Few
people are going to understand the references for the next few years
anyway.
All in all, a good effort. Thanks for sharing it with us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This e-mail has been sent via JARING webmail at http://www.jaring.my
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'