Hello:

Unfortunately I don’t have time for a detailed, line by line, C&C,
but I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed this story.  You've
done an excellent job with Aya.  For such a short chapter, you’ve
fleshed out her character quite a bit (Right now, I'm reading her as a
hardcase – cynical exterior, but wistful for the experiences she
doesn't let herself have, or the innocence she no longer believes in. 
I think. It’s hard to tell with first chapters. *Grin*).  So, great
work in that respect. 
 
I also like that you’ve chosen to focus on a background character.  
Personally, I’m always curious about what the people offstage are
doing while the main action is happening, so stories about background
characters are usually fun for me to read. And even though you focus
on Aya’s story, you used her insider/outsider perspective on the
Kare Kano plot very well – I enjoyed the little glimpses you give of
the “untold story” of Miyazawa and Arima. Well done there, too.

There were only two points, which, after an admittedly quick read
through, I would suggest changing. The first is this bracketed aside:

[Amy Bellette goes here, along with Aya's grandmother in Nagasaki]

It relates to the earlier comment about what Aya's grandmother used to
say, but I can't tell if the brackets indicate that this is Aya's
thought or your author's note.  If it is an author’s note, putting
it in the middle of the chapter, even for a draft, is distracting;
I’d suggest moving it to the end of the fic.  If this is Aya’s
thought, it is a cryptic one; I’d recommend some elaboration (which
you may already have planed for the next chapter.  Oh well.) 
	
The other thing was Rika’s question to Aya, after they sit down on
the couch:

"Is nobody else here?"

The phrasing seemed odd to me, somehow.  For improved sentence flow, I
suggest changing it to either, “Is anyone else here?” or,
“Nobody else is here?”

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this.  The characters are well
developed for a first chapter, the plot seems like it will be good old
fashioned internal conflict, and you left an evil cliffhanger ending. 
I hope to see another chapter soon.  Maybe by the time you post the
next one, I’ll have figured out who Amy Bellette is...(Google
search, you have failed me!)

Respectfully, 
- Bellwether

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