On Tue, 01 Apr 2003 10:24:10 -0600 "C. Jones" <guilty@furinkan.net> wrote:
C&C is very welcome on both 'The Clan' and 'Gabriel', but the plots on both
stories are pretty much final.
I've read both stories as far as they go and enjoyed both. I get the
feeling that Gabriel's surgeon is much more sensitive to her feelings
than she realizes. Of course, she's in no mood to notice that yet.
I'm going to read Gabriel again soon. I'm not sure, but it looks like
she's using the get-out-of-gym-free note instead of the tell-all note.
I am confident that that will blow up on her soon.
The following are some notes and suggestions from my reading of The
Clan. Use them as you will.
Suggested changes: {before : after}
clanrev01.txt:
After a few more minutes, Akane {step : stepped} into the room,
followed by a sodden, female Ranma.
She waited until the four young women had {settle : settled} down, and
then knelt on the futon closest to the small group.
Ranma's eyes were fairly bulging, but the girl couldn't
turn away from the spectacle. Akane and Nabiki both held
similar expressions of drop-jawed amazement while Kasumi
{shone : showed} her usual accepting smile.
Nodoka chuckled and gestured to the cross she was still
holding. "There are many rumors about what a vampire is. I
can assure you that almost all of them are {all :} false... at
least in my case," she {ammended : amended}. "I believe the powers are
genetic somehow, but I do not know for sure. To share in them,
you would have to drink my blood."
clanrev02.txt:
Nodoka guided Kasumi into a kneeling position. "Just relax,
{dear : Dear}." She wrapped her arms around the young girl
and began to caress her neck.
"Very good, {dear : Dear}."
"Don't {worry dear : worry, Dear}. You'll get better."
Nodoka flashed her fangs at her husband. Her eyes began to
glow a light red color. "And what will you do to alleviate
twelve years of grief, {husband : Husband}?"
Nodoka sighed sadly. "Then he will be the best, {husband : Husband}.
I promise you, that if he takes the powers-- if he {evan : even} can
take the powers-- then he will be the best there ever was."
She playfully bit the man on the shoulder. "He will need to
be," she added under her breath.
clanrev03.txt:
�Ranma shook his head fiercely. There was no way that he
would allow what Kasumi already had {: done} to happen to him. He was
better than any 'vampire'.
clanrev04.txt:
�Of course, forensic tests would show that the wounds were
consistent with the theory that the obviously '{derange : deranged} and
deformed' individual had stabbed himself.
She shook her head. The line between what had actually
happened and the story Nodoka was feeding the police was so
thin that she doubted that the woman {hardly :} needed any of her
powers to reinforce it, despite the holes in it. It would
stand up under cursory investigation, and anything *unusual*
that the investigation did turn up would be dismissed as error
or attributed to the killer's oddities instead of Nodoka's or
Kasumi's presence.
Nodoka nodded, wiping her lips on the cloth. "She will be
lightheaded for while. It's nothing to worry about. Are you
still willing, {dear : Dear}?"
clanrev05.txt:
clanrev06.txt:
Nabiki, having exercised during the day and after spending
a few minutes with Nodoka and Kasumi, decided that her main
strengths {lied : lay} in deception and illusion. Where Kasumi was
apparently super sensitive and Nodoka was adept at mind
control, Nabiki had the ability to deceive everyone around her.
clanrev07.txt:
With a start, she realized that it was Ryouga's heart. She
could feel the pushing, tearing sensation in her jaw {in her jaw :}
as her fangs started to extend.
The smell of him driving her on, Nabiki managed to sit {up. : up,}
part of her felt incredibly weak. The other part knew that it
would all be okay if she attacked him and took what she needed.
"I can't take it from you..." she faltered, coughing more of
her own blood. "You have to give it to me," she pleaded.
"Please, Ryouga. Please give it to me."
clan12.txt:
Shooing the group out of the way, Nodoka knelt next to the
bed, and wrapped her arms around the shuddering girl, trying to
examine her in some {wait : way}.
�Still kneeling, her hands on the floor, Akane spread her
wings.
My first thought was something that happened at Mt Phoenix
caused her to have an affinity for wings.
clan13.txt:
�"Shut up, Nabiki." It was Ranma. "Get Nodoka on the {Phone". : phone."}
Using her name is a good indication of how angry he is at her.
�In {the Daylight : daylight}, Kasumi could tell much more about Athia
by plain sight than either her expanded senses could in the
darkness. Her hair and features gave her away as being of
Scandinavian descent. Kasumi had finally placed the woman's
accent as Scandinavian. Kasumi guessed that she was Danish or
Finnish, but couldn't really tell. She had almost no scent to
speak of. Kasumi couldn't tell if that meant Athia was very
powerful, or intensely fastidious about her grooming.
�"About 800 A.D." Athia responded. "It was the middle of
what we call the 'Dark Ages'. Luckily, a white sorcerer lived
in the village. With my {Great : great}-great-great grandmother's help,
he created a firestorm that burned the raveners badly enough
that they could deal with them one at a time. The village was
mostly wood and thatch, so they sacrificed it in the process.
It's not something we could replicate inside a city without
causing more damage than the raveners would.
�"What was odd about the black sorcerer was that the
raveners all {defaulted : deferred} to him. Half the young women of the
village were lost to them, but the sorcerer always took first
pick of the maidens. He would also keep them alive for several
days after his initial 'attentions' A few even survived the
firestorm, although they had been brutally tortured."
�To his credit, Ranma didn't even flinch as she apparently
appeared out of mid-air in front of him. Ukyou, who was at her
portable grill, didn't even notice as she sold lunch
{Okonomiyaki : okonomiyaki} to the hungry hoards. Ranma merely glowered, and
continued to munch on his seafood specialty.
�"Not now, Ryouga-chan," Nabiki cautioned. She cleared her
throat, making sure that all the men were paying attention.
"We've got a problem. Ranma's got a friend that says {they'll : there'll : there will}
be another attack tonight."
clan14.txt:
The youth, who was currently washing tables in the front of
the restaurant, was a moron in her opinion{: ,} but his near
blindness had made his hearing a little too accurate for her
comfort.
�Kneeling, Shampoo began to count off on her fingers. "It
true," she explained. "Airen have big big fight with {pervert
girl : Pervert Girl}. Bigger than most fight. He sleep with {spatula girl : Spatula Girl} all
night."
�Shampoo nodded, laying a finger to her chin. "If Airen
get koochie-koo, then Shampoo think Airen no grumpy. He even
grump at {spatula girl : Spatula Girl}. He no be with her. Something funny
with Airen and {pervert girl's : Pervert Girl's} sister, though. They argue.
Airen win argue. Greedy girl run away home. Pervert {girl : Girl} sick
or crying like little boy for Airen at home, too. Shampoo
think something wrong with {greedy girl : Greedy Girl} and {pervert girl : Pervert Girl}. Maybe
nice-nice older sister, too."
�"Shampoo think that girls become 'vultures'. Ranma angry
with {pervert girl : Pervert Girl} for trying make baby with vulture-man?"
�"Are we going to go to help him?" the kunoichi asked
seriously. "If there are murderers about, then it is {public : civic :}
duty to try to stop them.
�"Hibaa-chan!!" Shampoo shouted, bursting into the
restaurant. "Girl die at {crazy-girl : Crazy Girl} school. Airen mother,
{greedy girl : Greedy Girl}, and {nice-nice girl : Nice-nice Girl} go. White-hair lady go, too."
"What ever you do, Shampoo, you *must* stay upwind!"
If she's trying to keep them from smelling her, she should be
downwind. Shampoo says so in chapter 20.
�"Stupid Spatula {girl : Girl} get in way, too," Shampoo whispered
to herself as she saw the chef and the cross dressing ninja
pass beneath her. This simply wouldn't do. If she were
allowed too close to Airen's mother then there was no tel--
Ukyou sent a spray of spatulas at the creature. She had no
clue as to what it was, but only knew that it smelled horrible.
Konatsu, following his love's lead, let {lose : loose} with a handful of
shuriken.
She sat up on her {palette : pallet}, seeing Konatsu, injured,
unconcious, but apparently alive, lying next to her. In front
of her Shampoo was arguing with a Chinese speaking police
officer.
clan15.txt:
�"Very bad," the angry girl hissed. "Something very bad.
Something wrong with {violent girl : Violent Girl} whole family and Airen
mother."
�Shampoo, siting tiredly in a restaurant chair, rubbed her
forehead and shook her head. "No. Spatula {girl : Girl} crying like
little boy, Crazy {ribbon girl : Ribbon Girl} get there late, Shampoo think.
She make like she make baby with Airen. Stupid."
�"Violent {girl : Girl} no there. Just Airen mother, {greedy girl : Greedy Girl}
and {nice-nice girl : Nice-nice girl}. White-hair-lady, too. They leave before
Shampoo done talking to police."
Despite her feeling ashamed for being unconcious during the
fight, Shampoo did pick up quite a lot afterward.
Nodoka sighed and snapped her {Katana : katana} down on the table.
"{Yes dear : Yes, Dear}," the martial artist replied, moving {over :} to his
wife's side.
Kasumi watched her sister leave on her search. Suddenly,
realizing just exactly what it was that she was so hungry for,
both Father and Tofuu-sensei's necks seemed to stand out,
amidst all the other various smells and sights in the room.
She could hear both their hearts beating, and could literally
see the heat emanating from Tofuu's body as it drifted {in and
out of : stronger and weaker in} the infra-red range.
"{Yes father : Yes, Father}?" her voice came from the top of the stairs.
Had she moved that quickly.
�"Oh, I {won't father : won't, Father}," her voice seemed even further off.
Soun guessed that she was already inside her room now. "I'm
certain that he'll sleep *very* soundly this evening."
I'm slightly surprised Tofuu didn't turn Soun into a pretzel in
his distraction.
"He died in the {first world war : First World War}."
�"He was a British spy," she continued. "And the Kaiser
had a very dim view of intelligence agents at the time, you
understand. My daughter was three at the time."
It was at about this point I realized there was still one unfed
vampire on the premises.
�"Why don't I cook dinner," Ranma offered, standing behind
Kodachi as she began to gather a large assortment of pots and
pans.
I was wondering if he was properly concerned about her own
special blends of herbs and spices and what he was going to do
about it.
Her innocence was like that of a big ca-- big wild animal
of some kind. In the jungle, Ranma corrected his thoughts.
She played with her food because she didn't understand that it
hurt. She hurt and maimed because she thought it was fun, and
didn't have anyone to tell her it was wrong.
An interesting insight into Kodachi's nature.
clan16.txt:
�"I... We really should take our clothes off for this."
�"YES!!!" Betty called from her position out in the
hallway.
Is Betty a lesbian? :}P
�For the first time, Akane could see her attacker. It was
Ranma, and he had death in his eyes. His expression was cold
and mean. Akane had no doubt that he would {: not} have any trouble
tearing her arms out of their sockets if she gave him cause.
clan18.txt:
�Shampoo nodded in agreement, removing her spectacles and
putting them in a pocket. She lowered her voice to a whisper.
"Shampoo think {violent girl : Violent Girl} and sisters doing bad black magic.
Maybe they put spell on Shampoo's husband?"
"Dead husband of dead bride," Shampoo snapped out, "if we
no be careful. There too too bad evil in Japan right now.
Shampoo take Ranma home to Amazon village away from monsters
and {violent girl : Violent Girl}. Ukyou can come too if want to get away from
monsters. Have to work as Shampoo servant if you want to go."
Ukyou called Shampoo China-girl in the next paragraph, that
would be more likely if Shampoo had called her Spatula Girl
though the comment about her having to be a servant would draw
some response.
"This won't do," Cologne muttered to herself. "This won't
do at all." Now, what to do? Cologne exhaled heavily,
estimating Shampoo's chances of taking out a vampire. If the
vampires in question were as inexperienced as Cologne guessed,
her great-granddaughter just *might* be bringing home a new
husband *and* another vampire skull or three to add to the
collection.
That's sloppier thinking than I'd expect from Cologne. She
should realize that the vampire that changed the Tendou girls
into vampires could still be around and that vampire would be
more experienced than they are.
clan19.txt:
Ranma was in a foul mood. He had {wokee : woken} up that way. To
make things worse, Ranma was *really* beginning to miss
Kasumi's breakfasts. As he walked listlessly to school, his
stomach grumbled despite the meager bowl of rice he had eaten.
Sasuke had prepared it for him, but the ninja's conservative
cooking just didn't satisfy like Kasumi's usual early morning
generosity did.
clan20.txt:
�"Did {violent girl : Violent Girl} see us?" Shampoo asked, perched on only
her toes on the slender branch Ukyou had clung to.
�Akuji flipped to his feet. His head hanging limply to one
side and the bar protruding from his chest, Akuji chuckled and
bent over. His head straightened out with a sickening crunch
and the sickening white flesh creeped back over both the gouge
in his arm and his {broken off-hand : broken-off hand : broken hand}. Akuji's claws resprouted
from the new flesh. He flexed them and and laughed out loud.
With his now whole hand, he pulled the steel bar from his chest
with a sickening slurp and threw it to the side.
Chioki held a hand to her headset. "We're live," she
informed Akoto in a quiet voice. "They just preempted
wrestling for us."
If they preempted wrestling, they've definitely hit the big time.
�"{Pervert-girl : Pervert Girl} give up now," Shampoo said, as if she was
making a trivial suggestion. "Shampoo only knock out, not
kill."
clan22.txt:
�Kasumi shook her head. "I'm afraid we came across
Shampoo. It seems that Shampoo's tribe has some very bad
history with vampires. They were very upset with us."
Kasumi definitely has a knack for understatement. I can see
where too many vampires can be a plague, but they also seem to
be the only ones who can deal with raveners on even terms. It
sounds like the Amazons have had trouble with vampires, but
never had to deal with raveners.
"It's possible," Sasuke admitted. "Master Kunou's
grandfather was quite a student of the martial arts, even if he
did have that unfortunate problem with fuzzy animals...
Hmmm... At any rate, it's very possible that you may find some
helpful knowledge in the scrolls of house Kunou."
We know Kodachi left town, but I would have expected some
contact with Kunou while Ranma is staying at their mansion.
"I'm Chioki Tanaka with Channel Fifteen," a woman's voice
called out on the video. "Can you confirm that you are indeed
the Tokyo Slasher?"
Gods. She's even stupider than I thought. Not only did she
wander into the middle of the fight, she tried to interview one
of the combatants; the one that was butchering girls. I didn't
catch that while reading the chapter the action occured in.
Her gene pool definitely needs more chlorine.
clan23.txt:
�Some distance away, at the warehouse where Akuji had
fought Ranma and wounded the {reported : reporter}, a similar explosion took
place.
Darn. Now I have to wait for you to get past Chapter 24
with your revisions. Please write quickly.