Bill Heineman <burger@contrabandent.com> wrote:

Special Assignment by Bill Heineman

And comments by me. As always, these are offered as (hopefully) helpful
suggestions; if you don't find something useful, just file it under one
reader's opinion.

Aa! Megami-sama and the characters therein are the property of Fujishima
Kosuke (Japan) and Dark Horse Comics and Studio Proteus (USA)

I don't own these characters. I'm not making a dime on this.

BELLDANDY: Where do you want these sacks of quarters and nickels, Mr.
Heineman?

--------------------------------------------------------------------


Belldandy sat on the couch staring off into space while being held in
Keiichi's arms.

Suggest: while Keiichi held her in his arms
(or something like that; try to use the active voice rather than the
passive, as the former generally sounds more dynamic)

Skuld sat forlorn across from her sister with her hammer leaning against the
wall gathering dust. She had just returned from her assignment and refused

"She" meaning Bell? The reference is a bit unclear.

to speak to anyone on how it went. Urd was watching a blank TV screen,
having no interest to turn it on but still in the habit of keeping her eyes
glues to the tube.

glued

The phone rang as it had done every twenty minutes or so. Urd spoke softly.
"It's your turn Bell."

Since "Bell" is obviously intended to identify who is being spoken to,
it must be set off by a comma:

"It's your turn, Bell."

Otherwise you completely change the meaning. "It's your turn Bell" means
that something called a "turn Bell" belongs to whomever is being
addressed.

"Yes. I see." She dropped her eyes toward the ground and gave a hint of a
sad face. "Thank you Kami-sama. I love you too." She hung up the phone and

"Thank you, Kami-sama.
(see above)

closed her eyes in despair.

Urd and Skuld knew what the assignment was since that was what all they've
been getting the past few days. Recent events had overburdened another

all they had been getting
(be consistent with your tenses; you're writing in past tense)

branch of Heaven and the three were temporarily assigned to help out until
things settled down. Belldandy took a deep breath then stood up straight
with Keiichi holding her shoulders for support. "I can't keep him waiting."

When referring to the Almighty, it's traditional to capitalize pronouns
-- Him instead of him. Up to you whether you want to do this.

The room was covered with dust and broken plaster and the air was filled
with fine white powdered plaster from a recent explosion. Sounds of gunfire
could be heard outside in the street and people shouting as they tried to
find safety in a city gone mad. A giant hole was blasted in the apartment

>from a rocket attack that shattered what once was a mother's bedroom.

attack that had shattered what once had been a
(both of these things were before the current moment in narration)

Belldandy smiled as she bent her knees to lower herself to the ground to
look at the small child. "Please don't be afraid."

BELL: Your mother's dead, you're nearly dead, your country is being
invaded, and some strange person just appeared out of nowhere. There's
no reason at all to panic.

The goddess saw the mother had no life aura in her anymore and knew that she
was no longer on this plane of existence. She looked at the wounds and then
at the still smoking hole in the wall and knew exactly what had happened. It
didn't matter which side in this conflict fired the weapon, all that

conflict had fired the

The goddess had mixed feelings about the wish since it was partly why she
was summoned to this room. She was not sent to bestow a wish as part of her

why she had been summoned

She had not been sent

(again, these things happened before the current moment in narration, so
use the "had" tense)

"Don't be afraid little one. I'll take you somewhere where they won't hurt

afraid, little

She stroked the boy's hair and thought of the sheer waste that was around
her. She thought of the boy's mother and checked on what her life would have
been like. The world tree responded and shown her two cute little girls that
would have been born three years from now. Those girls now would have to
wait another time to enter this world if ever because of a twist in fate and
the inability for certain people to live with others in peace.

the inability of certain people

Both of these glimpses into what might have been are IMO good ways of
showing us the tragedy of what's happening here. But I think the writing
could be a bit stronger. Try making it less summary-ish, including more
specific details or even bits and pieces of actual scenes from these
now-aborted futures.

Belldandy took a step backwards away from the two dead bodies on the floor.
She knew that someone soon would enter the building and take them away to be
burned with the countless others who had died today. Death was busy these
past few weeks and having to be a temporary goddess of death was something
she nor her sisters enjoyed doing but it was a task given to them by

was something neither she nor

Kami-sama and they did what they were told.

BELL: Ve vere only followink oahders!

She gazed at the sky through the hole in the ceiling. "I hope you know what
you're doing Kami-sama."

you're doing, Kami-sama."

ALMIGHTY: Of course I do. Rest assured, I've got very good reasons why
there has to be a war in Iran.

BELL: Iraq.

ALMIGHTY: Huh?

BELL: This is Iraq. Not Iran.

ALMIGHTY: Oh, right, right. Darn it, those two names are just way too
easy to mix up. What dunce came up with them, anyhow?

BELL: You did.

ALMIGHTY: Ummm. Well, anyhow, the Iraq war of May 2004 happens to play a
special role in the destiny of...

BELL: This is April 2003.

ALMIGHTY: ...the followers of Shinto...

BELL: Shinto is Japanese. You're thinking of Islam.

ALMIGHTY: *sigh* Look, let's just say I work in mysterious ways, all
right?

Author's Notes: I just felt like writing this. What a waste. Let's hope this
ends soon so the suffering can finally stop.

Won't comment on that, since the list obviously isn't the place for such
discussions. Overall, I think it's a pretty good piece, especially for
something that, considering the timeliness of it, had to have been
written fairly quickly. The only suggestion I'd make on the writing is
that it might be better to show more of the horrors of war directly,
rather than just implying it through the goddesses' reactions. Too much
of the latter can make the readers feel that you're trying to impose a
particular reaction -- "this is what you should feel" -- rather than
showing them a reason to feel that way.

One interesting (IMO) angle you might consider adding to the story would
be for Bell to start entertaining major doubts as to the Almighty's
wisdom, perhaps even considering disobeying
His orders. It'd be hard for her, especially knowing that her natural
inclination to trust her superiors is probably a similar attitude to
that of a lot of people in the war.

Oh, also, I think you need to establish some sort of reason why Bell
isn't just using her godly powers to put an end to this conflict.
Obviously having her do this would ruin the tone of your story, but the
reader is apt to wonder why she isn't doing it unless there's some sort
of explanation.

Anyway, I hope some of this was helpful, and good luck with any future
fics.

burger@contrabandent.com
http://www.contrabandent.com/burgerbill

Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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