At 08:02 PM 4/2/2003 -0800, K'thardin wrote:
>C. Jones wrote:
>> C&C is very welcome on both 'The Clan' and 'Gabriel', but the plots on both
>> stories are pretty much final.
>>
>> I hope you enjoy them.
>Ah, then you probably don't want to hear that you've neglected the
abilities and
>personalities of several of the other characters in favor of a more
Ranmacentric
>story.
This *feels* like an attack. I don't think it is, and the message contains
very good C&C, so I'll try to treat it like that. Maybe I'm just being
oversensitive.
>I rather enjoy the use of the side characters such as Nodoka and Gosunkugi.
>However, you've neglected to put in just what kind of powerhouse Ryouga
is (for
>example)...especially when angered. I'm pretty sure he'd be hunting them
down like
>Ranma and dealing blows of equal or even greater magnitude against them
when made
>truly aware of the situation.
The story does center around Ranma. He is the primary character. He's also
been 'powering up', growing more and more skilled against his foes while
fighting the Ravener King in earlier chapters. In the scene, Cologne is the
observer, so she spends more time focusing on those who interest and
concern her most... Ranma and the Tendou girls.
Ryouga *is* supposed to be doing incredible damage to the ravener he and
Ukyou are fighting. He's not using his more spectacular attacks simply
because he's incoherent with grief. He's raging much more than depressed.
Because of the unique PoV, this does get kind of neglected. Upon revision,
I'll probably do a bit more to demonstrate exactly how far gone Ryouga is
at this point.
>Even with this last chapter, the focus in the melee
>combat was only upon Ranma...token notices being given to Ryouga, Ukyou,
etc...
As was I intended it. Despite their strengths, the others are ineffective
against the raveners.
>You had a good chance here to describe an all out brawl here, with detail
level and
>characterisation that could have been equivalent to the last few chapters
of "Duet of
>Pigtails" before the rewrite (that brawl scene was awesome...I've only
seen one other
>like it, and that one on another Ranma cast vs the forces of demonic
hordes fic whose
>name escapes me presently), but...you didn't, focusing instead on Ranma's
skill and
>characterisation almost exclusively in such matters.
Again, here what I was trying to portray was not a brawl, but a desperate
holding tactic while Gos tries to get his magic spell to work. The other
characters are not weaklings by any means, but I'm trying to portray that
Ranma and the vamps are the only characters that even have a chance of
holding their own against the monsters.
If anything, this tells me that I need to make the raverners more powerful.
The scene could probably use some more detail. It may ultimately switch
back and forth between Cologne's PoV and a more omniscient PoV on the floor
of the auditorium during the fight to allow further description.
>But then you pretty much said that the plot was final, so I probably just
wasted my
>time. ^^;;
Again, I want to interpret this as an attack, but I don't think that's the
case. Please don't treat me like an immature asshole just because everyone
says I am. I'm not. I haven't acted like one and I'm not going to act like one.
I truly appreciate this bit of C&C. It does indeed help me polish my story.
It helps me to focus in on what's important about it and what's not.
Thanks for reading my story, K'thardin, and thanks for taking the time to
offer your comments.
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