Subject: [FFML] Re: [WWW][Ranma] The Clan and Original Fiction
From: "C. Jones" <guilty@furinkan.net>
Date: 4/3/2003, 12:41 PM
To: "K'thardin" <kthardin@tenchifanart.com>
CC: <ffml@anifics.com>


At 08:02 PM 4/2/2003 -0800, K'thardin wrote:

 >C. Jones wrote:

 >> C&C is very welcome on both 'The Clan' and 'Gabriel', but the plots on both
 >> stories are pretty much final.
 >>
 >> I hope you enjoy them.

 >Ah, then you probably don't want to hear that you've neglected the 
abilities and
 >personalities of several of the other characters in favor of a more 
Ranmacentric
 >story.

This *feels* like an attack. I don't think it is, and the message contains 
very good C&C, so I'll try to treat it like that. Maybe I'm just being 
oversensitive.

 >I rather enjoy the use of the side characters such as Nodoka and Gosunkugi.
 >However, you've neglected to put in just what kind of powerhouse Ryouga 
is (for
 >example)...especially when angered.  I'm pretty sure he'd be hunting them 
down like
 >Ranma and dealing blows of equal or even greater magnitude against them 
when made
 >truly aware of the situation.

The story does center around Ranma. He is the primary character. He's also 
been 'powering up', growing more and more skilled against his foes while 
fighting the Ravener King in earlier chapters. In the scene, Cologne is the 
observer, so she spends more time focusing on those who interest and 
concern her most... Ranma and the Tendou girls.

Ryouga *is* supposed to be doing incredible damage to the ravener he and 
Ukyou are fighting. He's not using his more spectacular attacks simply 
because he's incoherent with grief. He's raging much more than depressed.

Because of the unique PoV, this does get kind of neglected. Upon revision, 
I'll probably do a bit more to demonstrate exactly how far gone Ryouga is 
at this point.

 >Even with this last chapter, the focus in the melee
 >combat was only upon Ranma...token notices being given to Ryouga, Ukyou, 
etc...

As was I intended it. Despite their strengths, the others are ineffective 
against the raveners.

 >You had a good chance here to describe an all out brawl here, with detail 
level and
 >characterisation that could have been equivalent to the last few chapters 
of "Duet of
 >Pigtails" before the rewrite (that brawl scene was awesome...I've only 
seen one other
 >like it, and that one on another Ranma cast vs the forces of demonic 
hordes fic whose
 >name escapes me presently), but...you didn't, focusing instead on Ranma's 
skill and
 >characterisation almost exclusively in such matters.

Again, here what I was trying to portray was not a brawl, but a desperate 
holding tactic while Gos tries to get his magic spell to work. The other 
characters are not weaklings by any means, but I'm trying to portray that 
Ranma and the vamps are the only characters that even have a chance of 
holding their own against the monsters.

If anything, this tells me that I need to make the raverners more powerful.

The scene could probably use some more detail. It may ultimately switch 
back and forth between Cologne's PoV and a more omniscient PoV on the floor 
of the auditorium during the fight to allow further description.

 >But then you pretty much said that the plot was final, so I probably just 
wasted my
 >time. ^^;;

Again, I want to interpret this as an attack, but I don't think that's the 
case. Please don't treat me like an immature asshole just because everyone 
says I am. I'm not. I haven't acted like one and I'm not going to act like one.

I truly appreciate this bit of C&C. It does indeed help me polish my story. 
It helps me to focus in on what's important about it and what's not.

Thanks for reading my story, K'thardin, and thanks for taking the time to 
offer your comments.


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