Subject: [FFML] 'Achtung! Sailor Scouts??' MSTing [SM]
From: "Megane 6.7" <megane67@rogers.com>
Date: 4/1/2003, 2:14 AM
To:


                          *TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
              (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)


(The future isn't what it used to be....)


"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"  (SEASON FOUR)

EPISODE 39: ACHTUNG! SAILOR SCOUTS??

(A Sailor Moon Fanfic MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  Just covering
my own ass here folks....

"Achtung! Sailor Scouts??" is the property of M1A2Tanker and he's
welcome to it.  I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.
Think of this as another form of C&C.  It's all meant in good fun.  ;)

Warning: This fic is rated PG-13 for language and violence.


(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!

Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)

Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)

(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer
printout)

We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find  (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind  (lalala)

(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)

Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT:
'Text only'?

Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'

Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'

CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'

If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts  (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!

*          *          *

SATELLITE OF LOVE


     A yawn escaped the lips of Joel Robinson as he sat on the edge of
his bed and stretched.  Taking a moment to scratch his belly, he stood
up and made a beeline for the sink.  Groggy as he was, Joel failed to
notice the door to his room was ajar as the lens of Cambot peeked
through.

     "OK, Servo.  We've started filming!  Cue the mighty voice-over!"
Crow whispered.

     "Hello, everybody!  I'm Tom Servo and this... is Real TV!  Eighteen
hundred seconds of the shots you gotta see and our first tape has this
guy, not so different from you or me, deciding to push his daily morning
routine... to the extreme!"

     Joel grabbed his toothbrush on the sink and ran it under the tap as
Tom continued his voice-over.   "Satellite of Love, Space.  This
bejumpsuited man likes to brush his teeth... but watch what happens
when he decides to push it to the edge by brushing with SHAVING
CREAM!"

     "Actually, Tom?  The shaving cream is a no-go.  He caught me
trying to make the switch."  Crow interrupted with a whisper.

     "Huh?  Oh... Uh... moving right along then... if you think hair
combing is stuff for the timid... you won't BELIEVE your eyes when
you see this man attempt to straighten those locks... with a HERRING!"

     "No herring either, Tom.  Joel caught a whiff of it right after he
caught me in his room again and threw it away."  Crow interrupted
again.

     "Oh, for crying out loud!"  Tom growled in annoyance.  "What about
the cookies in his bed?"

     "Ate 'em.  Plus he's up already."  Crow reminded him.

     "The overly tight shoelaces in his sneakers?" Tom inquired.

     "He switched to Velcro." Crow replied.

     "The open window in his room?"

     "We nixed it, remember? Decompression and all that?"

     "Aw, geez... isn't there anything left for us to film at all?"  Tom sighed.

     Crow glanced back over at Joel and noticed him running his fingers
through his hair and muttering something about an overdue shower....

     "Wellllll... there IS one last thing we could try...."

*          *         *

     "OK, I'm in position!  Tell me when!"  Crow exclaimed.

     "Steady... Steady..."  Tom whispered as Cambot nervously trembled
over the footage he was about to shoot.  Meanwhile, Joel was oblivious
to everything but the warm shower he was engulfed in as he washed,
rinsed, and repeated.

     "Janitor turned inventor, Joel Robinson, couldn't be happier as he
freshens up in the shower... but what happens when he decides the
water just isn't hot enough? ...Now, Crow!"  Tom exclaimed.

     Crow quickly flushed the nearby toilet and rushed out of the shower
room, past Tom and Cambot.  "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"
Joel screamed as Tom breathlessly continued his voice-over.

     "Joel just doesn't feel truly alive unless his skin is wisping smoke like
dry ice!  Sure, there's a little pain and suffering involved, but the pinkish
hue it gives his skin makes it all worthwhile and, hey, who says psychotics
and hormonal teenagers have to enjoy cold showers... URK!"

     Joel clenched his hand around Tom's mouth and brought him up to
eye level.  "Tom!  What the hell are you doing!?"  he demanded to know
as Cambot quietly slipped out of the doorway and fled down the hall.

     "Oh, Joel!"  Tom replied sheepishly.  "Uh... I was just... Uh...
looking for my... heh... toenail clippers to... Uh...."

     "Cut your non-existent toenails on your non-existent feet?"  Joel
finished for him.

     "Hey, good point!  Well, I'll just leave you to your shower, then..."
Tom tried to leave, only to be held fast by Joel.

     "I knew you and Crow were up to something when I caught him in
my room three times!  You're busted, both of you.  No ramchips today."

     "Awwwwww!"  Tom pouted as the satellite's PA speaker suddenly
came to life.  "Joel?  You done with your shower?" the voice of Gypsy
inquired.

     "He just finished!"  Tom exclaimed as Joel shot him a look before
replying,  "Be out in a minute, Gypsy."

     "Affirmative!  I'll tell Master Pain and Wimp Lo that you're on the
way."  Gypsy replied as the PA speaker went silent.

*          *          *

DEEP 13


     The sound effects of troops marching filled the laboratory as Dr.
Forrester, clad in a general's outfit straight out of Patton, stood behind a
heavily draped platform with the Deep 13 logo embedded in it's center.
Beside him stood TV's Frank, clad in the brown uniform of Arby's.

     "Ah, good, the Edisons are here.  Front and center, Ed, Fred and Ted!
Atten-SHUN!  Pre-sent ARMS!"  Dr. Forrester bellowed.

     Joel and Crow looked at each other and shrugged before holding out
their arms to the viewscreen while Tom muttered something unintelligible
under his breath.

     "Oh, real cute, Henny.  I meant your invention!  Come on, chop chop,
I haven't got all day!  Move it!"  Dr. Forrester snapped at the viewscreen.

     "OK, sirs."  Joel reached under the counter and produced a leather belt
with a large blue dot attached to the back.  "I came up with this idea for
people that are tired of being smiled at from the rear by visiting repairmen."

     "Yeah, suffice it to say, not all pants deserve their praises sung."  Crow
wisecracked.

     "So I decided to take a tip from old news footage and put the old blue
dot to use with 'Butt-Away'!  The belt that removes unsightly plumbers
butt from your sight!  No more averting your eyes from your friendly
neighborhood plumber or cable guy as you struggle to follow what he's
doing so you can unsuccessfully attempt to do it yourself next time and
save money!  What'd think, sirs?"

*          *          *

SATELLITE OF LOVE


     "Hey, that's great!  Finally I can sunbathe nude without feeling
self-conscious!"  Frank exclaimed excitedly from the viewscreen.

     "Think of the tan line, Frank."  Dr. Forrester remarked wryly.

     "Hey, better a white circle than crispy buns!"  Frank replied.

     Dr. Forrester shuddered involuntarily before continuing.  "OK, now
that I'm about to throw up, I'm happy to inform you that this week's
invention is once again woven into this week's experiment.  Where the
SANDSTORM sequence in 'Hercules Vs. The Moon Men' failed,
the PLOT DEGAUSSER shall succeed!"

     "Plot degausser!?"  Joel and the bots exclaimed.

     "That's right, boobies!  Imagine, if you will, a device that lovingly
removes all traces of viable plot from a fanfic leaving you with... well,
not much!  BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  Not that *this* particular fanfic needs
it, as it doesn't really gets going until about two pages before the end.  It's
'Achtung! Sailor Scouts??', and unlike Jesse Ventura, you WILL find time
to bleed... Oh, *yes*..."  Dr. Forrester cackled while rubbing his hands
together.  "Lob it their way, Frank!"

     "Incoming!"  Frank yelled as he fed the fanfic into the machine and
ducked for cover as the viewscreen went blank.

     "Hoo boy.  Rough storms ahead."  Tom sighed.

     "Yeah, someone pass the Dramamine."  Crow muttered.

     "Don't worry, guys.  We'll be okay...."  Joel reassured his friends as
alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.  "OHHH, WE'VE GOT
FANFIC SIGN!!"


(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob.  Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator.  Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes.  You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys.  You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge
that slowly lowers to the ground.  You cross it cautiously, looking for
moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex.  Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)

     Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.


**Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and all character names and distinctive
likenesses thereof are copyright Naoko Takeuchi and the production
companies.


Crow: Hasn't stopped the cosplayers yet...

Tom: <Naoko Takeuchi> Thank you for coming!  I'll see you in hell!


Not really sure what made me get the crazy idea of doing a
self-insertion.in Sailor Moon of all things. Probably because I have
a strange sense of humor, or just because I felt like punishing myself
writing this instead of studying for finals. o_O


Crow: <author> Who need pass English anyways?

Joel: <author> Or maybe because I realized with an education
or without, I'm still destined for the fast food industry.

Tom: <manager> Journalism majors man the milkshake machine.


Oh well, on to the insanity! And don't shoot me if I get the attacks
wrong, I don't have my research material in front of me. Enjoy!


Joel: <author> Venus Love Me Clip-on!  No, that's not it... Shabon
Squirt!  No, that's not right either....

Tom: I would just like to make the point that as long as you're
connected to the Internet, all your research materials are RIGHT
THERE....


���


Crow: Oh no!  An ancient Hovitos symbol!  It's certain death for anyone
that reads this!  We must turn back... NOW!!

Joel: <old drunk from Gamera> Hmmm, that... must... be... that...
Moonie... Code... I've... heard... so... much... about... lately....


M1A2Tanker*


Tom: Is that the author's name or did he borrow a set from
Metal Gear Solid 2?

Joel: Either that or he created the strangest microbrew I've ever
heard of.


Achtung! Sailor Scouts??


Crow: <Ami> Ve is der master Race!  Short Skirts uber Alles!

Joel: The Wolfenstein 3D/Sailor Moon crossover they said
couldn't be done.

Tom: <German Soldier> Halt!  Come back with those 99 Luft
Balloons!


Prologue: This is Dragon fife-zero delta, over.


Joel: <Andy Griffith> Keep it down, Barney!  I'm trying to whistle!

Tom: <Burt Reynolds> Roger that, kin I git a copy offn for ol' Bandit?


"Got a light?" A soldier mumbled to another.
The latter, a short stocky man in BDUs and Kevlar helmet shakes his
head.


Crow: <short stocky man> Haven't seen it since I lent it to God.

Tom: Wow, experience in the war radically changed Soldier 1.


Both men wore BDUs, or Battle Dress Uniforms, the standard
uniform for soldiers in the US Army, a Kevlar helmet, a pistol in a
side-holster, and an LBE, or Load Bearing Equipment harness,


Crow: ...a.k.a. the Snuggle Carrier.

Joel: <soldier> Oops, time for his 02:00 feeding.


which was itself fitted out with the usual assortment of soldier stuff,


Joel: Yo-yos, cherry bombs, baseball cards, bubblegum, and three
nickels apiece.

Crow: And unbeknownst to their C.O., matching bras, panties, and
garter belts.


such as ammo pouches, canteens, flashlight, and a field dressing,
or giant bandage.


Tom: ...with a picture of Smurfette.

Crow: Perfect for those gaping bazooka shell wounds.


The short one also carried an M4 Carbine assault rifle, made to be
collapsible and adaptable. It looked like a shorter version of the
venerable M16 rifle.


Tom: Except it fires candy.  A favorite of the Shriners.

Joel: Cause, really, when you go into battle, you want a gun
that's adaptable to frequent collapse.


It was late at night, about 0155 hours (1:55 am for you non-military
time folks).


Crow: ...pathetic weak cowards, all of you!

Joel: Well obviously, Mr. Precise!  And FYI, 0155 hours is early
morning!  Gah!


The surrounding woodland was quiet, with a bird chirping once in
awhile in contended rest.something the two men wish they could do
at the moment.


Tom: <Soldier> I'd love to climb halfway up a tree, gather dead
bramble and leaves, lay a few eggs, chew up some worms and grubs for
my babies....

Crow: <Soldier> Get your head out of the clouds, Robin.


"Now Lott, you should know better by now than to ask me if I have a
light." The short man chides his companion. "I mean we've been
crewing together for over a year now on the same damn tank, and
have I yet come out to the field with a pack of smokes?"


Joel: <Lott> Yeah, once... when you lit them too close to the arsenal.

Crow: <Soldier> You're never going to let that go, are you?

Joel: <Lott> Once my eyebrows grow back, I'll consider it.


His buddy chuckles, "Yea, I know. But I get such a kick getting ya
worked up every time I ask ya." "Ehhh.go chuck a fucking round
already." The short one said, without malice.


Joel: The short man just spoke twice?  Huh?

Crow: <short soldier> I am rubber... <sniffle>... and you are
glue.....

Tom: <soldier> I know the MREs aren't all that tasty, but I'm not
bulimic.


Lott snorts, "Shit, I would, if it'd get me out of this bullshit."
"Amen to that."


Joel: Do you realize what you just said?

Crow: Hopefully, someone can explain it to me too.

Tom: Let's just smile politely and move on.


Both men were soldiers.


Crow: <mock horror> NO!

Tom: Holy crap!  When were you going to tell us THAT?!

Joel: Both men fought one day, but neither one made the green beret.


Specifically, they were M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank crewmen, trained
on the United States Army's newest and baddest piece of high-tech
machinery, the M1A2.


Tom: It slices, dices, and juliennes potatoes!  It makes button holes
and cross-stitches! It can even make doughnuts!

Crow: But give it three months and it'll already be obsolete.


All tank crewmen in the US Army proudly refer to themselves as
tankers, continuing a tradition that began in World War II.


Crow: See, they rode around a lot in TANKS and somehow the
nickname just stuck.

Joel: It was really much better than trackers, turreters, and Shelly.


Scorned by foot soldiers and paratroopers, hated by Rangers, looked
upon with envy and awe by other troops, and always belittled and
verbally abused by their mechanics, tankers were in a field all to their
own.


Joel: Cause frankly no one else wanted to be seen in their presence!

Crow: The few.  The proud.  The scorned.

Tom: <tankers, singing> We're men, MANLY MEN, we're men in
tanks... we roam around the nations lookin' for thanks...


When the shit hits the fan a tanker becomes the foot soldiers,
paratroopers, and yes, even the Rangers best friend.


Joel: At least until they steal the picnic baskets.

Crow: But run a few over and they turn on you again like vicious
dogs!  Boy, talk about a fickle bunch!

Tom: And this has to do with Sailor Moon how?

Crow: After enough of these fics, you don't ask that question anymore.


Whatever ground the tank is sitting on, is the ground that the tank owns.
They are the big dogs of the Army.


Joel: So they jump up on people and slobber them into submission?

Tom: <trainer> Sit!  SIT! SITTARRRRRRRRUGGHHHH!!!


What these two tankers were doing though, had absolutely nothing to
do with tanks. They were deep in the middle of doing what all soldiers
have to do, even in peacetime.


Tom: Use the crapper?

Crow: Turn your head and cough?

Joel: Take Alcatraz hostage and threaten the national government
over soldiers' rights?


pull guard. They were on a late night shift watching the radios, listening
for any special orders that may come down from command.


Tom: <Soldier> The hell?  We're on Godzilla duty?

Crow: <command> For the last time, it's double cheese with pepperoni
and NO ANCHOVIES OR IT'S YOUR STRIPES!!


So far, it had been a quiet night, with nothing more than the usual
checking in to let command know that they were still where they said
they were.


Crow: Bowling for Burgers at Bernies.

Tom: <Lott> No sir, we swear we didn't jump post and aren't heading
to Las Vegas at forty miles per hour!  Oh, the wind?  Yeah, it's blowing
something fierce tonight, sir!

Joel: Sgt. Bilko would be proud.


Lott was a fairly tall man. Dark, strongly built, with a mischievous smile,
he looked like nothing more than a shirker, a bum.


Joel: Geez, way to build him up and tear him down, fic.

Tom: He could've had class.  He could've been a contender, He
could've been somebody....

Crow: Hey, it's Pauly Shore!  And he's in the army now!


But when it came time to get to business, he was a cool customer.
Serious, right to the point, and always on task in the field, he was the
best man to have helping you do whatever needed done on the tank.


Tom: If you wish to hire Lott, his references are available upon
request....

Joel: OK, Mr. Lott, I need the tank painted violet and green, an expresso
machine in the back and a van horn that plays 'Ride of the Valkyries'....


He was the loader, or Lima element of the tank. His job was to load the
120mm smoothbore cannon of the M1A2, and he was good at it.


Crow: <Lott as Plucky Duck> Shell go in the hoooooole.....

Tom: Every layabout, bum, and louse learned to flee from Lott's
presence.

Joel: <Lott> Hey, don't run away!  You have to serve your country as
fodder!


It was timed that he could load a 45-55 pound depleted-uranium shell,
arm the gun, and clear the recoil area in less than 3 seconds, and
maintain that speed.


Crow: ...until the heart attack was severe enough to drop him like a rock.

Tom: I'm happy to know all about the story's future victims, anyone
else?

Joel: Okay fic, we're ready for bachelor #2!


The other was a man who stood no higher than 5'6. Stocky, pale, with
short red/orange hair, he was hard to get his be-freckled face to smile.


Joel: Hey, you try smiling with a description like that!

Crow: Danny Bonaduce!  Noooo!!

Tom: Ron Weasley became a muggle forevermore.  In shame and
disgrace, his last bit of magic went to creating a new life for himself...


His manner was always courteous, yet he questioned more things than
a man of his rank really had the right to. In the field or back on base,
as serious as he looked, he could always be found telling a story or
cracking a joke.


Tom: That's all fine and dandy, how about a NAME?!

Crow: <soldier> I'm practicing for the USO tour!

Joel: So he cracks jokes but he can't smile?  He must be, like, the
Steven Wright of the Army or something....


He was the driver, or Delta element of the tank. It is disputable as to
just how good he was at his job, but it was well known that, no matter
how good at his job he was, he was damn fast.


Crow: What a coincidence, that's what his wife says!


No tank driver ever drove as fast as he did when it came time to
practice and qualify. Because of his small stature and fireplug shape,
he went by the handle of "Tank."


Crow: And that got him beaten up a lot less than his previous handle
"Servo".

Tom: Yeah, I figured it... HEY!

Crow: Heh heh.


"How much longer till the shift is up man?" Tank asked Lott. Lott
looked at his watch. "I'd say about five mikes(minutes), and about
damn time too. I'm freezing my ass off." Lott shivered.


Joel: Well, at least the fic's helping us brush up on our army lingo.

Crow: <Tank> How about I cover you with my 'don't ask don't tell'
policy?

Tom: <Lott> How about I reply with my 'you touch you die' policy?


Tank rolled his eyes, "Shit, this isn't cold. When you're seeing your
breath and you can't feel your nose, now that is cold!"


Joel: <Minnesotan> Ah, yah, de poor logs froze up and didn't thaw
until the summer after!


"Well, I can't feel my dick, does that count?" Lott grinned.
"What's the difference? You can't feel what you don't have." Tank
grinned lopsidedly.


Crow: <Lott> In that case, you're about as close as you'll ever get to
a woman, Tank.

Tom: Zing!


Lott looked at him, crestfallen. "That's fucked up man, especially since
your mom wasn't complaining last night." He now grinned triumphantly.
"Just remember Lott, my mom charges more than yours does, and my
mom's free." Tank verbally parried.


Joel: <Tank> And she wears army boots also!

Tom: <Lott> Oh yeah!  OH YEAH!! Well... well... your momma's
so fat, she had a heart attack and died!  Yeah!  Who's your daddy!?


Before Lott could reply, they could hear footsteps approach. Both
serious now, Lott pulled out his sidearm, a 9mm Berretta pistol, while
Tank lifted the rifle.


Tom: Ah, finally!  Something's happening!

Crow: <voice> Ve steal zis tank to get moose and sqvirrel!

Joel: Well, no wonder they're freezing, they're at Frostbite Falls!


Both men aimed it at the entrance of the armored personnel carrier as
Lott called out softly, "Halt! Who goes there?"
"Sergeant Evans and Specialist Gomez."
"Advance and be recognized."


Tom: <D-Lo Brown> Oh, you BETTER recognize!


The footsteps came closer, and two inky shapes appeared from the
darkness.
"Halt. Masters of." Lott said the password.
"The Universe." Came the countersign.


Crow: By the power of Greyskull, they have WAYYYY too much
free time on their hands.


Both men lowered their weapons, for even though they didn't have any
ammunition for them it was best to go through the motions for whenever
they did.


Tom: Wow, THAT'S useful.  Unloaded weapons... might as well scatter
them around and hope the enemy trips over them in the dark!


They crawled out of the APC to allow their replacements to take their
places inside.


Crow: Oh geez, I hope we don't have to get to know THESE guys too.

Tom: I'd much rather be getting to know the Nadesico.


Evans grumbled as they stepped on the APC's ramp, "Who the fuck
came up with these dumbass passwords?" He sighed.


Joel: Betty White?


"Anything going on?"
"Nah, all quiet Sarge." Lott replied.


Tom: <Evan> Pvt. Bailey give you any trouble again?

Crow: <Lott> No, but I saw Miss Buxley leaving General
Halftrack's office wearing a teddy... ah, it was probably nothing.


"I'm not a scum-sucking fish dammit. It's Sergeant." Evans chided,
without any heat.
"Oh yea, hard to tell in the dark." For that, Lott got a kick in the ass.
"Get the fuck outta here Lott, you bitch." Evans chuckled.


Joel: I sense an uncomfortable scene involving soap, drains, and a
towel shortly....

Crow: It's hard to imagine why Bill Clinton didn't want any part of this...


Tank and Lott ambled away chuckling to themselves as they headed to
their tank, called A-50, or Alpha five zero.


Tom: Also affectionately known as "Belchin' Bitch".


When they reached the rear of the tank, Lott reached up and grabbed
the heavy metal lid that covered the fuel cap, placed a booted foot in
the sprocket that made the tank move, and hauled himself up. Tank
called to him, "Hey man, I'll be right back. I'm going to hit the tree line."


Crow: <Tank> Them damn hippie picketers will never know what
hit em!

Tom: The smell would equal about fifteen fallen snowy owls.

Crow: Remember, only YOU can prevent urinating privates.  Ban coffee!


"Alright man. I'm going to sleep, mind if I use your drivers hole?"

The driver's hole was the little area in the front of the tank where the
driver sat and...well...drove the tank. It was reclined, making it a perfect
place to sleep, if you didn't mind being bent over for awhile the next day.


Tom: Yeah, great... any way to aim that turret at me and fire?  Please??

Joel: Y'know, this story would definitely be more fun if the guy was
sleeping in an F-16.  In midair.  Definitely midair.


"Naw, go ahead. I prefer the back-deck. Let's me straighten my back
out."


Joel: <Garfield> Let's not and say we did.

Crow: THRILL as GRUNTS stretch MUSCLES!

Tom: Hey, story?  Leading up to anything here?  Will your next line
be "And then the Second Impact happened?"


***"Alright, thanks." Lott ambled away out of site to the front of the
vehicle. Tank turned around and walked wearily over to a line of trees
not more than ten feet away. Finding a particularly useful bush, he
proceeded to answer Natures call.


Joel: <Tank> US Army, please hold!  US Army, please hold!

Tom: <Tank> *BLAM!* *BLAM!* Take that, you stinkin' coyotes!


"Ahhh.much better. Damn, I shouldn't have drunk so much water."
He reconsidered the comment, "No, it was probably a good idea. Was
damn hot today."


Crow: Even though he was freezing just a few minutes ago....

Joel: <The Hurricane> Whatsupwiddat!?


His business finished, he took one step away from the trees when he
heard something moving deeper into the woods. He froze. "Animal?
No.there are not enough feet, and the footfalls are too heavy. Better
check it out."


Joel: <Tank> It must be Sweetums!  Or maybe a snuffleupagus...

Tom: Yeah, eat him up, Falkor.  Be quick about it too, he's small
enough to squeak once.


He brought the M4 forward into the ready position, keeping it aimed
forward and low and quickly moved into the woods.
He found some footprints in the moist ground, and still heard the sounds
of twigs snapping as the figure kept moving. Tank kept following.


Crow: Bigfoot lead, Tank followed and the plot got out of the way.

Joel: An ill-fated Christopher Robin chose a bad day to venture deep
into the Hundred Acre Woods....


"Still moving deeper into the woods. It's probably a damn local trying
to see if he can get his hands on some pre-Surplus items." He thought
to himself as he continued to follow the prints.


Tom: Elmer Fudd, USMC.

Crow: If he finds a nun and a Jean-Claude Van Wannabe back there,
I'm crying so foul...

Joel: Don't go back there, Tank!  They're conducting radioactive
tests!  You'll be huge and diapered within two weeks!!


"Sure is easy to follow though, almost like the asshole wants to be
followed. These guys usually don't run in straight lines. Foot seems
narrow too. Best be careful, some of them are crazy fuckers." He
carefully stepped over a gnarled tree root, when two things happened.


Tom: Bert I. Gordon called 'LUNCH!' while Robert Lippert and Coleman
Francis sprinted towards the commissary?

Crow: A geyser of flame erupted right in front of his face as a rodent
of unusual size started gnawing his leg?


One, he noticed that the prints stopped suddenly, and two, he sensed a
presence behind him.
"Shit!" He exclaimed as he whirled about.
It wasn't fast enough.
He felt something press against his neck and a small hiss followed it. He
felt his limbs go numb, and he collapsed into the cradle the root made.


Joel: Man, when DeForrest Kelly can get the drop on you, you need more
training!

Crow: Shall we welcome the fourth Sailor Starlight?


Before darkness overtook him, he saw a lithe form with rather long hair
step in front of him.
"Damn.taken down by a fucking hippie. I'll never live this down. This
is just not my day." It was his last coherent thought for quite awhile.


Tom: Wow.  Sailor Jupiter really was serious about pacifism...

Crow: <voice> Crap, I was aiming for John Denver.


Several hours later.

He saw red first as he regained consciousness. That was because his
eyes were still closed, which puzzled the tanker.


Joel: <singing> He dreams of red, a-yeah-ii-yeah yeah... he dreams
of gardens in the desert sand...

Tom: <Tank> They exposed me to Commie Mako Energy?  Hey, now
I really am a SOLDIER!


"Ok.one step at a time. Do a mental body check first." Without
moving, he felt every part of his body, making sure he could still feel
and sense his limbs.


Crow: He's really gonna be ticked when he starts feeling hooves and a tail.


His heart rate was slow, but was picking up speed in short order. His
breath was low, but as he waited, he could regain more and more of
his lung capacity, taking in deeper breaths, clearing his head.


Tom: <Tank> Ahhhh... Otrivin....

Joel: Wow, that's the last time he pees on the Necronomicon...


He felt the handle of the rifle in his hand still. His helmet sat heavily on
his head, and a knot in the root dug deeply into his back. Taking the
next step, he slowly pried his eyes open, which he squinted tightly as
the pupils adjusted to the early morning light.


Crow: <Tank> Death, I welcome thee.

Tom: <Tank> I've gotta stop mixing Draino with single malt scotch....


"Aww shit!" He lamented. "I've been here all fucking night! My ass is
grass." He winced as he sat up, his muscles protesting against any
sudden movements. He ignored them as he raised himself to a kneeling,
then standing position. He looked about himself, slinging his rifle as he
did so.


Joel: <Tank> No piercings or tattoos... that's a good sign.

Tom: <Tank> Why is the military testing Ratliff Gas on me?


"Something doesn't feel right. Why do I get the feeling that my dumb
ass was left behind?"


Crow: Perhaps the fact that you're naked and painted purple?

Joel: Or because the Taj Mahal is in the background?


Soldiers have a sixth sense when it comes to matters of where they
were and where their unit was. A soldier could tell something was
wrong when he was still at his post and nobody had come to get him in
a long time (it's called common sense), although, in Tank's case, this
was a bit extreme, but our hero doesn't know it yet.


Tom: So our hero is *Tank*?  Come on, I felt three times more
emotionally connected to.... oh, what was the short one's name again?


He looked himself over, and, other than leaves and needles, wasn't the
worse for wear, excluding the dent in his back and crick in his neck.
He twisted his head to the side, fixing the latter problem with a loud
sustained pop.


Crow: Dr. Tofu to the woods!  Medical emergency!

Joel: Cause once Tank popped, he can't, he can't, he... can't stop!


"Whew.that's better." He rubbed his neck for a moment. "Well, I best
get back to the unit and take my ass chewing. That was pretty fucking
stupid of me to go chasing a sound like that."  He wondered why he did
it.  No answer came to mind readily.


Tom: Boy, this guy gets more captivating by the moment, doesn't he?

Crow: <scratchy voice> 'Tis the lure of the siren, Tank.  Beware its
haunting melody, lest thee be tempted to thy death....


He started to back track when he noticed something was wrong
immediately. "The trees.they're all wrong.


Joel: They didn't phrase their answers in the form of a question.

Crow: <Tank> These evergreens are BROWN!  W-what the hell's
going on here!?


What the fuck." He looked about himself.  Instead of mostly pines,
he saw nothing but deciduous trees, such as oak, ash, and others.


Tom: But sadly, no sign of... the larch.

Joel: <Tank> Aww... but I wanted a Christmas tree!


He became highly alert,


Crow: <Tank as Sulu> Shields... SHIELDS!!!


all fog in his mind gone, replaced with absolute confusion. The rifle
was back in his hands, useless for the most part, but it would make do
as a club if needed.


Joel: <Tank> I just have to remember to keep the safety on or someone
might get hurt!

Tom: Yeah, why bothering relying on your hand-to-hand combat training
when there be CLUBBERIN' to do!


He started to head for the outer boundary of the tree line, back in the
direction that he took in last night, but was much more cautious in his
motions.


Joel: <whistles theme to 'The Great Escape'>

Tom: He had to be stealthy to avoid another ambush by the
sultan of sneak, the whisperer of warriors, DeForrest Kelly....

Crow: <DeForrest Kelly> He's dense, Jim.


He darted from tree to tree, not certain if it would help, but figured it
was better than just ambling along until someone ran into him.or
something.


Crow: At the very least, he might run into Jane.

Joel: Suddenly... he was paintballed at a fearsome rate.

Tom: Gotcha!


"Death by bear or wildcat isn't what I had in mind for when I go to the
great beyond." He thought to himself grimly.


Joel: Death by a Salesman, now that's the way to go.

Tom: <Tank> I want to be shot by a cufflink off of Oakland
Alameda County stadium, marched over by the USC Trojans playing
"Louie Louie" followed by elephants and a steamroller!

Joel: I hear his father went the same way.


Not far, he saw that beyond the thick forest growth it became lighter,
signifying an open field.


Crow: Beyond the forest, there were red shelled turtles, little mushrooms
with feet and green pipes stuffed with fire spouting plants....

Tom: <Tank> Aw, screw this.  The Princess is probably in another castle
anyway.


He hoped it was his company's assembly area but doubted it. One of the
only professions in the world that allowed a person to not only be an
optimist, but also a pessimist in the same vein.


Crow: The other being sole custodian of the Playboy Mansion.


He slipped between cover slowly,


Tom: Finally settling on the paisley camouflage underneath a plaid
polyester blanket.

Joel: <Tank> This is my sofa fort!  No one can hurt me now!


until he finally came to the edge of the woods. Peeking around a large
tree, he expected to see tanks, infantry tents, maybe even just an open
grassy field. What he saw shocked him though.


Tom: <Tank> S-Smurf Village... the legends were true!

Joel: The Azrael Offensive had been in the plans for five years now...


His jaw wide, he gazed upon tall structures, and roads with only slight
traffic on them.


Crow: <Tank> Euro Disney!?  How the HELL did I end up at Euro
Disney!?


Before him, travelling from right to left about 20 feet out, he could see
a sidewalk leading to the road. It went down a couple steps, the broke
off into a T, becoming a different sidewalk. Alongside this one, starting
near the steps, a white brick wall with boxwood bushes in them. They
hadn't yet grown together to form a continuous bush, so they looked
like balls of yarn on a stick.


Tom: <Tick> We're a hedge, move along please.

Crow: <Martha Stewart> And to complement the shrubbery, purchase
some land mines.  They're sure to keep the neighbors at bay.


Lampposts were placed at equal distances apart from each other, with
matching lampposts opposite them on the sidewalk. Shops had their
metal grates up, showing their wares to any and all comers.


Crow: Which was rather embarrassing to all those passing by the
Adult Novelties store.

Tom: <Shopkeeper> PENILE IMPLANTS!  GET'CHA GEN-U-INE
PE-NILE IMPLANTS!!


Large signs filled the spaces above the entrances to said shops,
broadcasting who they where.


Joel: <sign> Greetings, potential customer!  They call me Hardware
Store, but please, call me Woody!


Problem was Tank didn't have a clue as to what they said. All the signs
were in Japanese.


Crow: <Tank> And yet it's all Greek to me.

Tom: <Tank> Oh crap, I'm the last American holdout in World War II!
NOOOOOO!!


"Awww fuck." He swore under his breath. "My ass is in Japan! And
here I thought my day couldn't get any worse. Out-fucking-standing."


Crow:  <Tank> I'm gonna be swamped with magical girls, giant
robots and mutated monsters any second now!

Joel: <Tank> Well, at least I have my American Expre... aw shoot!  I
left home without it!


He was pretty sure it was Japanese, having read somewhere that the
Japanese people wrote the strange symbols in an up and down pattern.
Then again, it had been awhile since he had last read about the Japanese
culture, so it was quite possible he was wrong.


Joel: <Tank> Come to think of it, I haven't seen one starving kid
yet... but mom wouldn't lie about my vegetables... w-would she?


He wasn't wrong about the general location though, by the many
Oriental folks that had walked by his position on the sidewalk.


Crow: <Oriental> Who's the dork in the cammos?

Joel: So, uh... achtung and everything?

Tom: Big time.


None saw him, or looked his way, thankfully. He didn't like the idea of
the locals seeing him, especially considering his garb, and the fact that
he was armed, ammo-less as he was.


Crow: <Tank> Then again, I didn't come here to be liked!  NO
PRISONERRRRRRRS!!!


"Shit shit shit. How the fuck did I get here?" His mind whirled, totally
at a loss. He slipped back into the woods, away from any possible
prying eyes, while he pondered his predicament.


Tom: Tank's precociously precarious position proscribed precious
pondering.

Crow: <Tank> Am I thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?  Narf!


"Ok, sitrep isn't good." Sitrep is short for Situation Report. "I'm down
to a canteen and a half of water, no food.wait, one MRE," he felt
the bulky meal-read-to-eat in his BDU pants pocket, "no ammo, two
weapons,


Joel: <Tank>  ...five thousand dollars, half a tank of gas, it's
dark and I'm wearing sunglasses.


camo paint pad, pen and notepad, and me in camouflage and helmet. No
clue where the unit is, and they haven't a clue where I am. Overall, I'm
in a shitty situation."


Crow: <Tank> I have come here to clean toilets and kick ass.  And I'm
all out of Toilet Duck.

Tom: <Tank> Pity we Americans never established an embassy
with Japan... yep, real pity.


He leaned up against the same tree he awoke against, placing the rifle
against his shoulder. He slipped the heavy Kevlar helmet off, and ran
a hand through his short hair, scratching some places.


Crow: Ah, this must be the Oscar clip.

Tom: <Tank> Tic... fleabite... scar... scar... pimple... scar... abnormal
growth... ah, there's my gum.


"Alright Tanker, what do you do?" He assessed his options.  "Well, I
can't go out into the public like this.


Crow: <Tank> Not without my makeup and a damn good perm!

Tom:  And yet his public awaits... FEEL THE CONFLICT!


Probably get hauled into jail or something. So I have to get some civilian
garb. Food, water and shelter are also priorities. Anything I do will
attract attention, since I'm quite the foreigner here,


Joel: <Tank, singing> They've been waiting... for a gaijin like me....

Tom: <Tank> So I might as well dye my hair pink and rent a panda
cause I'm gonna spin plates ALL NIGHT LONG, baby!


so I'll have to post out a store and 'acquire' what I need at night." He
nodded, feeling he had a pretty good idea what to do now.


Joel: Follow the white rabbit?

Tom: Find a giant robot to pilot out of here?

Crow: <Tank> Turn to page 85 to find some food?


"Well, this shit sucks, but until I can get to the bottom of this, and get
back to my unit, I'm stuck here."


Crow: <Tank> Which means it could be years before I'm found AWOL
and dishonorably discharged from the service... bummer.


He murmured aloud to himself. Placing the Kevlar with the round side
on the ground, he pulled out his pistol, and his weapon cleaning gear,
and proceeded to disassemble and clean his weapons, for lack of
anything better else to do.


Tom: Now the fic is deliberately wasting our time.

Crow: Nonsense!  Focus groups LOVE tedious idling!

Joel: You know, just because you CAN have a director's cut, doesn't
mean you SHOULD....


A few weeks passed, and while he didn't manage to get his hands on
any clothing, he did manage to locate an old tent that had been
discarded in the woods. It was an old tarp actually, but for his purposes
it would do very nicely.


Joel: <Tank> Food?   I'm on the Kate Moss diet.

Crow: Come on, Tank, it's been three weeks for god's sake, go in
that Laundromat and stand up to that old man!

Tom: <Tank> But he y-yelled at m-me....


At night he could wander about almost at will. A boon came to him on
his fourth night when he discovered a local food vendor didn't lock his
back door, and there weren't any security devices near or around it.


Crow: For a badass soldier, this guy is pretty timid.

Joel: <Tank> Score!  Alpo Lite - for senior dogs!


The soldier took several items, making sure to take it from the warehouse
stock, not the shelf stock. It was too easy to notice something missing
if he did. Within the store, he did finally confirm that he was in Japan
by the roadmaps that were stocked in back.


Joel: They read "Rando Makuneeri"

Tom: The soldier's extensive training in five fingered discount and
shoplifting etiquette was finally paying off.

Crow: <Tank> Ha-ha, Japan, no Third Amendment protection here!
MWAHAHAHA!!


Ammunition wasn't quick in coming, the sports and hardware store was
a lot more stringent about their security, not that it would take much
to keep him out. A locked door was really all that was needed.


Crow: Yes folks, the locked door does its job one more time!  Let's
give it up for the locked door!

Tom: One of the least appreciated theft deterrents in the modern
day, the locked door stands firm!

Joel: Buy door bonds where you work or bank!


He got lucky when he ran into a local street tough, who wasn't near as
quick on his feet as the tanker was. A Kevlar helmet to the head
before he caught a glimpse of him was enough to take him out of the
picture.


Joel: <Tank> Using my own helmet against me, that's just mean!

Tom: And with that, the invasion of Nerima was defeated.


Rummaging the lads things, he acquired a small tanto knife and
self-sharpening sheaf.


Crow: <Tank> Ah, he was about to commit Seppuku.  Thank god I
fractured his skull in time!

Tom: Loot and pillage... be all you can be in the Army!


"Nice.always wanted to get one of these. Thanks dick." He said
cheerfully to the prostrate and out cold teen. In the boys trouser belt,
he found an old pistol of an unfamiliar make that used 9mm bullets.all
three of them. "Shit kid. You use this thing, and it's liable to blow up
on you."


Joel: He just beat up an undercover police officer!

Crow: Or a plot contrivance.


He scowled at the pistol, which was slightly rusted, the barrel foul with
carbon, and the moving parts in dire need of oil.


Joel: <Tank> Hmm, there's a nametag attached... 'If found, please
return to Barney Fife'...?


The bullets where new though, signifying that he'd either used the
pistol before, or had just gotten it.


Tom: ...from the magical gun fairy in exchange for his teeth.


He pocketed the bullets, disassembled with great difficulty the pistol,
and pocketed the parts, leaving the kid with the handle assembly. He
also kept the knife, and left the kid in the alley. He tossed the parts into
a hole he scooped out of the ground back at his little campsite.


Crow: <Tank> Finally found some good shit for my time capsule.

Tom: I'd still love to know what all this has to do with Sailor Moon.


Water was another thing entirely. The food vendor kept him supplied
in dry stores, but, oddly, the owner locked the bathrooms, cutting him
off from using the sinks for water.


Crow: And once again, the well trained soldier proves to be no match
for the locked door.

Tom: Somewhere, Jill Valentine is shaking her head in disgust.


The park itself lacked water fountains. It wasn't until the fifth day of his
first week that he located a source of water.


Crow: <Imitates the sound of rumbling thunder.>

Joel: <Tank> Aw man!   I already took my shower this month!

Tom: <Tank> So help me, Kevin Costner, you'd better be right about
drinking... yeech.


A creek ran through the woods, giving him a long lasting supply, so
long as he boiled it first.


Tom: Fortunately, the creek came equipped with whirlpool controls
and within minutes, it was bubbling like a cauldron.


"Ok, not bad." He nodded appreciatively at his findings and current
possesions a few days after his 'acquirement' of the knife and bullets.
Laid out before him were several canned goods, his weapons, the three
bullets, two full canteens, his helmet, and the LBE.


Crow: Seriously, did Dr. Forrester send us an urban survival guide in
lieu of a fanfic or what?


He placed the two tin cups that came with the canteens back in the
canteen pouch, and then placed the canteens within them. "Well,
might as well get some more explore time in." He said as he shrugged
the LBE harness on.


Joel: Tank later went on to write a best-selling book, "Touring Japan
while Stealing about $5 A Day."


Over a week ago he had painted his face using his camo paint pad so
his pale skin wouldn't give him away at night, making it easier for him
to blend in the darkness.


Crow: Besides, he had an awesome kimono and wanted to see if he
could still pass as a geisha.

Joel: <Tank> Foundation, mascara, eyeliner... where is my non-clumping
powder?!


His face was rough, rougher than he'd ever had it, and he was pretty
sure that he was ripe, if not overripe.


Joel: <gagging> He smells like bad feet!

Crow: Or good cheese.

Tom: It's called soap!  Look into it!


He couldn't tell, but figured that since the mosquitoes had left him
alone over a day ago it was a good indication.


Crow: <Mosquito> Eh, I'm sick of going out for Tank.  Let's just enjoy
a nice suck at home tonight.

Tom: I would just like to point out that practically ALL insects -- ticks,
fleas, mites, lice, AND mosquitoes... are DRAWN to rotting and stagnant
areas.  Thank you, this has been Mystery SCIENCE Theater 3000.


He placed the bullets in the magazine for his pistol, loaded it, and then
slid the pistol into his holster. He slipped the sheaf of the knife into
the top of his boot, and then wrapped the strap around his leg. It was
now in an easy to reach place if needed.


Tom: <Tank> Ah crap, just sliced my Achilles tendon.  Oh well.

Joel: Around the next bend, he's going to meet up with his contact
Benchpress... otherwise known as Ramada.

Crow: <Ramada> It's a sequel, I had to come back.


He placed his canned food and his rifle in the tarp, and tied it up. Using
a rope that had been attached to the tarp, he pulled the tarp high into
the tree, far out of reach of prying eyes.


Joel: <Tank> Nobody looks at my spam and lives.  NOBODY.


He tied it off on a decently high branch on another tree a couple feet
away. "It'll do for now." He murmured, as he grasped his helmet.
Putting it on, he quickly left his camp, and headed out into the park.
Before he reached the edge, he saw some bright flashing lights.


Tom: <Tank> A Dance Dance Revolution contest!  I must enter!

Crow: <Tank> Aww crap, it wasn't supposed to happen for another
couple hours!  How come it's apocalypse now?!


He froze in place, fearing he had finally been discovered. "Shit!" He
exclaimed as he took cover.  Fortunately it was near the edge, allowing
him to peer around the tree, and into the park. This time he got his
second shock since arriving.correction.awaking in Japan.


Tom: <Tank> That vending machine is selling USED PANTIES!

Crow: <Tank> Whoa!  A naked chick with big breasts!  What's your name,
honey?  Oh, that is your name!


Before him on the sidewalk was a large.creature of some sort, facing
off against five girls in what looked like school uniforms of a sort,
made up of a white tight top and skirt, with a large bow parked between
their breasts.


All: YAY!!!!

Tom: Thank god!  I was beginning to think the senshi would never
show up!

Crow: Their skirts drove around their dangerous curves, which were
very slippery when wet.  And oh yes, there WERE falling boulders.
Most definitely.


All had a headband on, and each of their skirts where a different color
than the other.


Crow: <Usagi> Sorry, we're late!  We had an audition for 'Flashdance'!

Joel: <Tank> Hey, they look familiar... THAT'S it!  They're going to call
their Zords and make a big gigantic robot!


"Fuck.why does this seem familiar now?" He rubbed his eyes a
moment, and then looked again. "Yup, still there."


Tom: <Tank> I still have a ruby eye guard and it looks like Jean Grey
is right next to me... did I die and go to fanboy heaven?


One girl, with two small buns on top of her head with long pigtails
trailing from them was shouting something at the creature, making
several silly postures.


Tom: <Tank> Ladies, ladies, you'll never earn the queen of posture
crown like that!

Joel: <Sailor Moon> For the last time, Doomsday!  Superman isn't
HERE!  Metropolis is wayyyyy over THAT way!


All of the others did the some silly postures as well. Tank raised an
eyebrow, "What the hell are they doing? Are they mimes or
something?".


Tom: No, they're doing the skirts-and-charades version of Shakespeare's
"Macbeth".

Crow: Well duh, Tanky-boy!  They're clearly fighting evil by moonlight!


He gazed at the...thing across from them, and nearest him.


Joel: <Tuxedo Mask> What?  Something on my face?


The creature looked to be a cross with a woman and a pistol handle.
Two shapely legs protruded from the handle, with the handle itself
being the butt, literally.


Crow: She must get her panties on one pistol grip at a time.

Joel: Everybody run!  The homecoming queen IS a gun!


The upper body was made up of where the barrel would be, with the
trigger placed where its' stomach would be.


Crow: <Megatron> Excellent... care to join me for a energon cube after
work?

Tom: Heh heh, the things those nutty kooks at Smith and Wesson
come up with, boy, I tell ya....


The head looked like a flat coin, with only the nose and cheeks raised
>from the surface. The arms extended out from the slide of the assembly,
and how the creature could put breasts on it, simply baffled the soldier,
but somehow it did.


Crow: <Tank> She's a 36C caliber, I see.

Joel: So now we're peering into Charlton Heston's wet dreams?


"Strange.that handle looks.shit! That's the handle assembly I left
with that dumb ass kid!" He started, recognizing the handle he left
with the street tough some nights ago.


Tom: Redundancy!  Sailor Scouts??

Crow: <Tank>  Oh great!  When they lift the fingerprints from it, they'll
finger ME for this rampage!


The creature now screamed something back at the girls, and pulled its'
trigger. From its' mouth, a black ball shaped projectile shot forth,
scattering the girls.


Joel: <Tank> Ah heck, she only fires BBs.

Crow: <Youma> Taste the terror of my TAW, Sailor Scum!


One started to chant something, and within her hands a bow made of
flame appeared. Before she could release anything, the creature fired
again, this time getting a direct hit. She flew back a few feet, and
crumpled.


Crow: <Tux Boy> Ooh, my favorite part of watching them!
Accidental Panty shots!  Sweet!

Tom: <Tank> Right on, soul brother.


"Oh Hell no!" Tank said angrily. He rushed from cover, and charged the
critter, which was now taking shots at the other women, hitting another,
this one with short blue hair.


Tom: <Youma > You son of a submariner!

Joel: <Mercury> Hey!  That was just cheap!

Tom: <Youma> Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?!

Joel: <Mercury> Urk... inept insults... draining strength....


His heart pumping, and the adrenaline rushing, he leapt up and landed a
booted kick into the side of the creature, ramming it into a lamppost.
It shook it's head and looked up at its' new attacker.


Crow: <Youma> Hey, your face is all small and detailed... and what the
hell happened to your eyes?  They're so tiny....

Tom: Yes, kids, it's what you've all been waiting for... the long-promised
Sailor Moon/GI Joe crossover!

Joel: <Sailor Moon> Now you know... and knowing is half the
battle.  Sailor Moon Says!  <giggles>


Sailor Moon blinked at the newcomer. His face was rough, unshaven,
apparently covered with some kind of dark paint. He was dressed in a
dark uniform of some kind, with splotches of green, black, and brown
all over it. His feet were clad in black boots, tightened with straps
instead of strings.


Tom: <Sailor Moon> Data analyzed and confirmed.  Increasing
hormonal levels 30%  Proceeding to klutz mode gamma.


Upon his head was a helmet, also colored like his uniform. Upon his
body was some kind of harness, with several items clinking about on
it, and in his hand he held a weapon.


Joel: <Jupiter> USAGI!  Stop gawking at the gaijin and give us
a hand here!

Crow: <Moon> Just a few more seconds!  I've almost identified
his measurements and turn-ons!


"Hey fucker," the newcomer addressed the youma in a different tongue,
"don't you know it's not nice to hit the ladies?" His eyes were hard as
he gazed down the sights of his pistol.


Joel: <pistol> No way I'm gonna hurt my momma!

Crow: <youma> Aww, you're so sweet my little Ruger!


"Good work Tanker, you got its' attention. Now what? Do you shoot
the thing?" A little voice said in the back of his mind. Aah shaddap,
I'll deal with it when I get to that point. I'm working the issue, so if you
wouldn't mind..." He angrily told the voice.


Crow: Tank's imaginary friend had great difficulty teaching him the
Value of Violence.

Tom: <Tank> Hmm, the girls are still doing silly gestures... either
they're on to something... or they're *on* something....

Joel: <Mercury, singing> Vogue!  Vogue!  Let your body mooove to
the rhy-thm!


"Sailor Moon, who's that?" Jupiter said, wary.
"I don't know, I've never seen him before." Was the reply.
"Is he a friend? Or an enemy?" Mars asked, also wary.


Crow: <Jupiter> Well, he's not dressed like us.  Better waste 'em.

Joel: <Mercury> Is our enemy's enemy our friend?  Is the friend of our
enemy our enemy?  Or is the enemy of our enemy our enemy?

Tom: <Mars> Ami, don't make us hurt you again.


"Well, he isn't fighting us is he?" Mercury tossed out.
"Yea, and he's kinda cute too." Everyone turned to Venus, who blushed.
"Sorry, I couldn't help myself. I had to say it."


Crow: Silly me, I thought three-week old body funk would've been
sufficient to turn off even the horniest Senshi.


The Youma rose slowly, gazing at the soldier. "You are a fool human.
Now your energy will be added to my collection!" It pulled out a
crystal of some sort, and aimed it at Tank.


Tom: ...only to helplessly spin out of control before fainting.

Crow: <Tank> Fool!  Do I look like a yak to you?


He blinked, puzzled as the monster shook its crystal in a vain attempt
to make it work.


Joel: <Youma> Come on, WORK!  Stupid green shard!  You always
come through for Superman!  Give ME the deus ex machina for once!

Tom: <Youma> Aw, hell!  Twelve hours of charging for TWO measly
hours of power!!  Frigging stupid useless rechargeable batteries!!


"I haven't a clue what you said, but is that thing supposed to do
something?" He asked, smirking. "If it is, I think it's broken. Here,
lemme make sure." And with that, Tank aimed at the crystal and fired.
The bullet ran true, hitting the crystal and shattering it, releasing its'
energies.


Crow: Before Tank knew it, he was landing in Cephiro, in front of
three certain Rayearthian knights.


The bullet traveled up the youmas' arm and lodged itself into its' armpit.
It howled in pain, clutching its wounded extremity.


Joel: Whoa!  I think he just reloaded the youma!


"How dare you! You die!" It cried as it charged Tank faster than he
could dodge. It swiped the pistol out of his grip, and then took swing
at his head.


Tom: For *being* a gun, she really has no conception of what
gunpowder-charged cartridges fired from her orifices can do....


"Oh fuck!" He managed to get out as he ducked much too slowly. The
blow landed on his helmet, sending him flying. The youma shrieked,
holding its hand in pain from the blow on the bulletproof helmet.


Crow: The irony was like a +4 deathroll.


Tank staggered to his feet, shacking his head. "Damn.that hurt. That's
it, you're mine now bitch!" He snarled as he rushed it. The Sailor Scouts
watched.transfixed as a regular person, even if he was strangely clad,
launched himself at the youma.


Joel: He then proceeded to fieldstrip the youma, eyes closed, in under
fifteen seconds.

Tom: As long as he doesn't sensually oil its moving parts or lovingly
pull its trigger, I think we'll all be happy.


He slid, tangling his legs into its' legs, tripping it. He quickly jumped on
top of it, and landed several blows to its head before he realized that
wasn't working.


Crow: <Tank> Funny, this approach always worked for Earthworm
Jim....

Joel: <Tank> Oopsy, let my bloodlust overtake me again.


"Damn, that hurts! I need something better. I got it!" He yanked his
helmet off and proceeded to give the evil being the K-pod treatment.


Joel: <Tank> This exfoliant should smooth out the rough areas.
And be sure to always have finishing cream handy, you never know
when you'll need it!


On every downswing, he would cry some obscenity, or curse.


Tom: Bubble bubble... <sniff>.... Toil and T-Trouble... <sob>.....

Crow: <Tank> Ann'a one, ann'a two.... shit two three four, fuck two
three four, ass two three four...

Joel: <geezer> This isn't the Lawrence Welk I'm used to...


"Bitch!" Slam
"Fucker!" Slam
"Take that!" Slam
"Die dammit!" Slam


Tom: NBA Jam 2003 has just surpassed Conker's Bad Fur Day as the
#1 source for videogame obscenities.

Crow: Boomshakalaka, bitch!  Boomshakalaka, bitch!


"Attack women will you?" Slam


Tom: <Tank> That's my job!

Joel: Nice to see Tank taking this assault weapon ban to heart.


"Think you're getting up now?" Slam
"Who's your daddy?" Slam
"No soup for you!" Slam
"You're my bitch now!" Slam


Tom: All these and more if you buy the Uncensored Seinfeld collection!

Crow: <Youma> Yep, just keep slamming me against the ground, oh, I
won't misfire and accidentally kill someone, nope.

Joel: Just get Jamie Lee Curtis to drop her, the bodycount will be
through the roof in fifteen seconds.


At the last exclamation, the youma finally got enough sense to take a
swing back in response. This time, it connected with his head and not
the helmet. He rolled several feet away, not far from the Scouts as little
tanks rolled about his head.


Joel: Little Tank's head rolled about?

Tom: <Moon> He should've listened, only the penitent man will pass.


"Ok, so far, so good. I've gotten its attention, and now I've gone and
pissed it off. I'm getting good at this distraction stuff. Aww to hell
with this shit.it hurts to damn much."


Crow: <Tuxedo Mask> Good for you!  It took me... uh... two whole
seconds to realize direct confrontation was for suckers!

Tom: <Tank> Next time someone needs a distraction, I'm dropping my
drawers and whistling Dixie.


He thought groggily as he struggled to get up. The youma wasn't in
much better condition. Tank placed a shaking hand down, and grasped
something cool. He looked.it was his sidearm. He smiled wickedly.


Joel: <Tank> Sayonara, sucker!  BLAM BLAM... ooooooh, next time
point the hole AWAY from me... ouch.

Crow:  Meanwhile, the sailor senshi were doing diddly but looking damn
fine doing it!


As the youma finally lifted its head, it gazed into a barrel.


Joel: <Youma> Wow, look at all those little monkeys....

Tom: <Youma> Ooh!  It's full of fish!   Damn, what a lousy time to
be out of ammo!


"Night Gracie." He pulled the trigger, and the bullet lodged into its
forehead. It collapsed like a heavy sack of grain. Sighing deeply, he
holstered the 9mm, and then kicked the monster for good measure.


Crow: Oops, now they'll have to cut this part out for the UK release.

Tom: Negaverse energy... what a load of hoo-hah.  Next thing they'll
tell us, Moon Princess Halation is a carcinogen.


Slipping the K-pod back on, he turned, only to face the Sailor Scouts.

"Ahh.Howdy." He said cheerfully. "Ok.now what?" He looked into
at the girls, and they looked back in return, a couple curious, a couple
in awe.and one in shock.


Crow: <Jupiter> My god, he... he... DOESN'T look like my old
boyfriend!

Tom: <Mars> Any idea what's he saying, Mercury?

Joel: <Mercury> According to my computer... jellyfish walk when
the apples ride Corvairs?


"Shock? Uh oh." He felt something rise behind him, so he quickly
ducked and rolled to the left, just as Sailor Jupiter fired a blast.
"Jupiter Oak Evolution!" The youma screeched in pain, its' skin sizzling,
smoke pouring.


Crow: <Tank> Remind me NOT to shake that girl's hand.

Tom: <Tank> Always knew those pussy Berettas were junk.  Heck,
it can't even stand up to 5000 volts without major damage.


"Moon Tiara Attack!" Sailor Moon finished the job, and the creature
collapsed again, only this time, its' body melted away.

"Ok.remind me never to do that again." Tank said aloud, to no one
in particular.


Tom: Where WAS Tuxy through all of this anyway?

Joel: Finding a can of Lysol for Tank?


"Who are you mister?" Jupiter asked. Tank didn't reply, as he looked
himself over for any injuries. "Well, >other than a little bit of a headache,
I didn't too badly for myself." Jupiter scowled, thinking he was ignoring
her.  "Hey, I asked you a question." Her tone was demanding, and Tank
looked up quizzically.


Tom: <Tank> Okay now... these girls just pasted that creature without
a problem.  They're strong, quick, and angry... HALLELUJIAH, I'M
WITH THE AMAZONS NOW!  I'll gladly submit to your breeding
stock program, ladies...


"Hmm? Are you trying to talk to me?" He placed a finger to his ear,
tapped it, then scratched his head, then shrugged, in an attempt to let
them know he didn't understand them. "Sorry ladies, I don't speak
Japanese."  He tried a different tack..."Me no speakea Japanea,
comprende?"


Tom: He speakea insulto, lazy, patronizing Englishea.

Crow: <Mercury, as Speedy Gonzales> Si, senor!  Arriba arriba andale
andale!


One of them understood what he said though.from the moment he
arrived. Sailor Mercury was blushing quite fiercely as she remembered
all that he said during the battle. A couple of the other Scouts noticed.
"Hey Mercury, what's wrong?"
"Ahh.." she stammered, "n-nothing. I just know what he was saying the
whole time. He speaks English. He doesn't know Japanese."


Joel: And how does Mercury know all of that?

Tom: Her time with the Marines on Okinawa?  How the hell should
I know?!?


The proverbial light bulb clicked on all their faces.


Joel: Where were you all the night of the sixteenth?!

Crow: They were all getting their bread baskets removed by rather
unskilled players.  BZZT!


"So what is he then? A gajinn?"
Tank interrupted. "Hey now, I don't know how to speak it, but I know
some Japanese words, and I'm not sure I like being called a gajinn."
"I'm sorry sir. It's nothing personal." Mercury replied apologetically.


Crow: <Mercury> In that case, we'll call you our little koinu.

Joel: <Tank> Is that good?

Crow: <Mercury> Oh yes.  Now fetch me that newspaper and my
slippers, will you?  That's a good boy.


"Finally! Someone who speaks English around here." Tank said in relief.
He took a couple steps closer into the lamplight, giving the Scouts a
better look at him.


Joel: <Jupiter> I still can't see him!

Tom: <Tank> Mwahaha, behold the power of CAMOUFLAGE!

Joel: <Jupiter> But I can sure SMELL him...

Tom: <Tank> Hey.


His face was even rougher in the skeletal light, with green, brown, and
black paint smeered all over his face, making it impossible to tell what
he looked like, even in the dark. Venus gave an coy glance over the
strangers body, and was the first to notice a flap of fabric hanging by a
string on the left side of his chest.


Joel: He DOES have a bra on!  Ick!

Crow: <Tank> Gotta keep the nipples April Fresh for Lott!


"Hey, he's been cut!" Venus exclaimed, pointing at his uniform. Tank
looked, and sure enough, the youma had made a cut in his uniform.
The monster had cleanly cut off the nametape, and nearly took the
pocket that was below it with it.


Tom: <Venus> No!  Not his pocket!  That BASTARD!

Joel: And thus continued the legend of the unknown soldier.


"Damn. This was one of my good BDUs too." He muttered, fingering
the hanging pocket on his chest.  Mercury looked closer. On the right
side of his uniform was another nametape. This one stated in large
letters, "US ARMY," upon which she started.


Tom: <Mercury> Hey soldier, would you mind invading my
beachheads?

Crow: <Venus> Yeah, care to raid our Bungling Bays?

Joel: <Moon> Ooh, from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of
hot 'ol me!


"What? What is it Mercury?" Sailor Moon asked, concerned. Tank
blinked in response. "What now?"
"This man is in the United States Army! He's a soldier!" She exclaimed.
Everyone looked at Tank now in more surprise, making him feel highly
uncomfortable.
"Umm.would you gals please stop that? I'm starting to think I was
growing a second head or something." He said.


Tom: Oh, I will SO avoid the obvious riff here...

Crow: <Mercury> Umm, no, but you've got an eye socket on your
shoulder....

Joel: <Tank, singing> I'm always feelin' like... somebody's watchin'
me!  And I have no privacy!


"Sorry sir." Mercury said automatically.
Equally automatically, Tank replied, "Don't call me Sir, I'm a Sergeant,
I work for a living." "Now why did I have to go and say that? And I'm
not a Sergeant yet, you idiot." He slapped himself mentally.


Crow: ...while Mercury slapped him physically.

Joel: <Mercury> Fine, do your own translations, jerk!


"Sorry, Sergeant." Tank had to stop himself from making the other
automatic comment, "Oh, so I'm a sorry Sergeant now am I?"


Joel: Tankers have a lot of pain to work through.

Tom: Would it be bad to request Tuxy show up with a rose, throw
it at Tank, and yell to the Senshi, "The real battle begins now, ladies!"?


"That's ok. I apologize, I shouldn't have snapped. It was an automatic
thing." He apologized, a little germ of a memory starting to grow as
the adrenaline dissipated.


Crow: It turned out to be scarlet fever, and after seven months of
bed rest and assisted life support, he died, the end.

Tom: <Mercury> Virus detected!  Sorry Tank, we'll need to place
you in quarantine for a while.  Hope you brought a book or three.


"So what do we call him Ami?" Mars asked. Ami translated.
"Call me Tank, Tanker, or Sergeant. Any of those will work." Tank
responded. "Well, I may not have my Sergeant stripes yet, but I best
get used to hearing it now for when I do.when I get back."


Tom: Ha!  After this escapade, piling AWOL on top of an eventual
deportation from an ally, you'll be lucky to be a private second-class in
charge of peeling potatoes!


"Now, may I ask who you all are?" Tank had a sneaking suspicion that
he knew, but wanted to be certain.  "Certainly! We are the Sailor
Scouts, defenders of..sir, er, Sergeant? Are you alright?"

Tank was not all right though. He had collapsed to the ground, not in
pain, but in anguish. "Shit! I knew it! Dammit! My sorry ass is being
punished for all the stupid crap I've pulled over the years!"


Joel: <Moon> Oh relax.  Have a flakie!

Crow: <Tank> Cottage cheese in Lott's cockpit, tacks in my lieutenant's
chair, syphilis for the general's wife, but it was all in good fun, damn it!


He proceeded to slam his helmeted head into the grass. The Scouts
watched in abject confusion and surprise as he beat himself up for
several minutes.


Tom: Hey, I like this part!

Crow: Eh, he's got nothing on Bruce Campbell.

Tom: <Venus> Is he trying to dig his way back to America, Ami?


Finally though, he came out of it. Taking a deep breath, he stood back
up, and faced them, things much more clear now than they had been
in weeks. Well, they were clear, up to the point he beat himself up.


Joel: <Tank> Of course!  It all makes sense now!  I'm in Japan!


"Ami, there's no more need for introductions." Ami started, her eyes
now glazed in fear. He continued. "I already know who you all are.


Tom: <Tank> Hey, hey, you're the Monkees!  Care to monkey around?


Right now, I wouldn't doubt I know more than you do, and that isn't
much. Would you translate to Serena please?"


Crow: <Mars> What'd he say?

Joel: <Ami> According to my computer... I do the spider often and
I'll shake your bouncy booty?


Ami dutifully did so, and soon, all the Scouts were either looking upon
him in apprehension, fear, or distrust.


Tom: <Tank> Aw, come on!  A stranger is just a friend you haven't met!

Joel: <Jupiter> I swear, I saw my bushes move when I undressed last
week.  He KNOWS I know.


"Can we go somewhere more private than this? Besides, I sure could
stand to clean up a bit, especially after that little fight." Tank suggested.
"Ahh.sure. We can go to my house." Ami replied, and then translated.


Tom: <Ami> Hope the gaijin's housebroken.

Crow: Hey, when did Sailor Mercury dehenshin into Ami anyway?


The others agreed, and they all quickly left the lighted park.


Joel: <Venus> So what's it like to be a big, hairy, white barbarian?

Tom: <Tank> The hours are good and I get all the tobacco I can spit!


To be continued..


Crow: In Tank 2: The Soviet Menace!

Tom: Oh man, I feel like I've been listening to Philip Glass for about
fifty-two straight days.

Joel: Lott didn't get a lot of screen time, did he?

Crow: Nor did "Plot".

Tom: Needless detail sure got its money worth though, huh?

Crow: Oh yeah.

Joel: Still, I guess we can honestly recommend this fanfic as a safe and
effective sleep inducer.

Tom: <yawns> Extremely effective.

Crow: Let's just pray they don't make this fic into another reality show.

Joel: Yeah, suddenly I have a new appreciation for Survivor.

Crow: Really?

Joel: Nah.

Tom: So, uh, anything else anyone wants to say about this fanfic?

Crow: No, not really... except, "Ding dong, the witch is dead..."

Joel: So be it.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

*          *          *

SATELLITE OF LOVE


     As Joel and the bots emerged from the theater, Crow abruptly
gasped in surprise.

     "Whoa!  Hey guys!  Look!  Look over there!  Looky look look!"
Crow stammered while frantically gesturing towards a nearby window.
Joel and Tom both glanced over in the direction Crow was pointing and
did a double take as they noticed what appeared to be a young woman
with long flowing blue hair pressed up awkwardly against the window
like a Garfield suction cup toy.  She wore a miniskirt that resembled
body armor and white support hose.

     "Uh, guys, am I going crazy or is there a woman clinging to our ship
from the outside?"  Tom inquired nervously.

     "Joel!  Sensors are detecting a life form outside the shi... oh my!"
Gypsy exclaimed as she rushed onto the bridge and noticed the woman
at the window.  Suddenly, the woman spoke.

     "Greetings.  I am COUS-COUS."

     "Hey, you look familar... wait a minute, aren't you KOS...."  Crow
began.

     "COUS-COUS.  My name is COUS-COUS.  Ask me again and I'll
tell you to bite me."  COUS-COUS replied calmly.

     "But you look just like the girl from Xeno...." Crow tried again.

     "As my time is limited, I will get right to the point."  COUS-COUS
interrupted.  "I request you change course immediately and steer this
ship towards Neptune so I can settle my...."

     "Neptune?  Lady, we can't even break our own orbit!  The satellite's
attached to the Earth by a tether!"  Tom interrupted.

     "There is no need for concern.  I will sever the tether for you and in
return, you can take me to Neptune...."  COUS-COUS replied as she
began to edge her way off the window.

     "Whoa whoa!  Hold it!  We have only minimal guidance control over
the satellite!  Snap the tether and we'll drift off to who knows where or
even worse, fall to Earth and burn up in the atmosphere!"  Joel said,
concerned.

     "I will make this brief.  Either let me in or I will smash through this
window, board your ship and do it myself." COUS-COUS threatened.

     "But that would kill us!  Well, OK, technically, that would only kill
Joel... but it'd sure as heck inconvenience the rest of us!"  Crow added.

     "Yeah!  Sudden decompression sucks!"  Tom exclaimed indignantly.

     "Then follow my instructions or I'll pop your human's head like a
zit and dust you little robots like bundt cake."  COUS-COUS replied,
her voice cold.

     "Hey, NOBODY pirates my ship or threatens my creator without a
fight!  Bring it on!"  Gypsy growled.

     "You asked for it.  Prepare for oblivion."  COUS-COUS replied as she
cocked back her fist and swung it forward to smash against the window.

     "No, don't!"  Joel cried out.

     *THUNK!*  "YEOWUCH!!  OWIE OWIE! PAIN! OWW!"
COUS-COUS screamed as she gingerly shook her bruised fist and
wiggled her fingers.  "Damn it, I think I broke a nail!"  she whined in a
high pitched squeal.  Joel and the bots could only blink in surprise before
lapsing into giggles.

     "Uh, what was that about smashing the window?"  Crow snickered.

     "Shut up!  I'll break this stupid thing!  Just watch!"  COUS-COUS
exclaimed as she swung her fist again and again, screaming in pain with
every failed shot.  And as she relentlessly continued her ineffectual assault
against the window, Joel noticed the red light on the console flashing and
decided to give it a press.

*          *          *

DEEP 13


     "Assistant Frank!  Assistant Frank!  What the hell's going on here!?"
Dr. Forrester exclaimed as he found himself furiously jogging in place,
unable to stop while Frank frantically slammed his hands against
an oversized console with flashing square lights that had appeared out
of nowhere.

     "I'm sorry, Professor!  I was testing out the plot degausser on a
Xenosaga fanfic but instead of its plot being erased, it somehow merged
with OUR reality!  I should have it fixed in a jiffy or two, though!"

     "Well, hurry up, you load!  My legs feel like they're gonna... AHHHH!
CRAMP! CRAMP!"  Dr. Forrester screamed as he hopped around on one
foot clutching his knee before falling against the console, sending it, TV's
Frank and him crashing to the floor in a heap.

     "Hey, I think you fixed it, Doctor...URK!"

     "And now I'm gonna fix you, ASSISTANT Frank."

     "Oh, poopy."


 ...AND THE MSTINGS
            CONTINUE...

I hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

Author's Notes: Hey guys!  Happy April Fools!  And Rabbit!  (for those
who celebrate that tradition every first of the month.)  I think I ended up
going through this fic about thirty times or so by myself and with various
people before I was happy with the results.  The Xenosaga parody came
to me just yesterday and I hope people unfamiliar with the game found
some enjoyment from it.  I just had so much fun writing it.  ;p

I've been MSTing for almost six years now and I want to thank each
and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years.  I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing.  To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come.  :)

I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing....

- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings
'Moon Honey Flash' and 'From Weird to Weirder'.  The editing of the
FFIRC MSTing 'Battle Royale' is also complete and all of these can
be found in the 'Recently Completed Projects' section of 'A MSTing
For All Seasons'.  Finally, Zoogz is currently finishing up the first chapter
of a fanfic collaboration with Rahkal called "Crossed Signals", coming
soon to a fanfiction archive near you!

- Jolt's webpage is down at the moment but you can request his MSTings
by e-mail at joltcaffiene@shaw.ca

Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated.  I can't say enough nice
things about this guy!  :)  If you haven't had a chance to check out the
newest chapter of HaM, you can reach him at gary@garykleppe.org or
his webpage at http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html and I'm sure he'll
be happy to send the story along to you.

Incidently, The Placid Jack Acid has been kicking it up a notch by
releasing several new revisions of his MST 3001 series.  All these plus
his latest MST 'An Old Friend', can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/j_acid/  (We're also hard at work on a group
project that must remain secret for now.  ;P) You can find his awesome
MST3K artwork scattered around the site and he has a new website
featuring his web comic 'Upstate' at http://upstate.stalo.com/index.htm
that's well-worth checking out.  He can be contacted by e-mail at
samdoug@stalo.com

Finally, I'd like to again thank M1A2Tanker for writing 'Achtung! Sailor
Scouts??' and giving me a lot of material to work with.   I hope you're
not offended.  Again, it's all meant in good fun.  :)

'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://www.svamcentral.org/svam/

SEASON ONE
------------------
101- "GAMES" by Artemis  (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER"  (Original Draft)  by Oscar  (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA"  by The Flashman
(SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER)
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker  (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin  (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave  (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson  (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave  (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
(SM/WWF Crossover)
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon  (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER
CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker  (SM Christmas Fanfic)

SEASON TWO
-------------------
201- "THAT GIRL"  PT. 1-2  by Oscar  (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino  (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Ryot  (SM/SPAWN Crossover)
204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2  by Hitomi Ichinohei  (R1/2 Fanfic)
205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz  (SM Lemon)
206- "OSCAR TOON"  PT. 1-4 by Oscar  (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover)
207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari  (Mutiple Crossovers)
208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep  (R1/2 Fanfic)
209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS  (SM Lemon)
210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou  (UY Lemon)

SEASON THREE
----------------------
301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea  (R1/2 Lemon)
302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal  (R1/2 Fanfic)
303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure  (R1/2 Fanfic)
304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea  (R1/2 Fanfic)
w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea  (R1/2 Fanfic)
305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON"
by Dr. Thinker  (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic)
306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz  (SM Crossover Lemon)
307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer  (R1/2 Fanfic)
308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent
(R1/2 Lemon)
309- "I WANT TO MEET A PRINCE LIKE DEAR OLD DAD, MOM,
SIS, BRO & FRISKY!" by Katherine  (Utena Lemon)
310- "THE IO SAGA" PT. 1-4 by Sarah J. Gates  (SM Fanfic)

SEASON FOUR
--------------------
401- "LINES AS Q PART 2" PT. 1-2 by Dave Hines  (ST:TNG Fanfic)
402- "RAW IS ORO" by Jedi Master Horace  (WWF/Rurouni Kenshin
Crossover)
403- "SABLE TAKES THE GOLD" by Martin4Life  (WWF Lemon)
404- "SOMETIMES" by Writer By The Sea  (SM/GW Crossover)
405- "WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE, CHARLIE BROWN" by Ryot
(Original Fanfic)
406- "RANMA'S REVENGE" by Freyr Gunnar �lafsson  (R1/2 Fanfic)
407- "MOON HONEY FLASH" by Xaila  (SM/Cutey Honey Crossmix)
408- "EPISODE 999: FROM HELL!" by Antony M. Hernandez, Zach
Helke and Distorted Perceptions Animation Fan club  (R1/2 Fanfic)
409- "ACHTUNG! SAILOR SCOUTS??" by M1A2Tanker  (SM Fanfic)

SHORTY!
-------------
101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY!
102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET!
103- PHEROMONES!
104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!
105- THE SECRET FLAW!

OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO
---------------------------------------------------------
"DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker  (SM Fanfic)
"MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff  (SM/TNG Crossover)
"THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin  (SM Dark Lemon)
"9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams  (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon)
'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE
TROUBLE!
(Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle)
"THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee
(Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover)
"REDHEADS" by Robert "Kenko" Haynie
(Slayers/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"WILD SILVER" by Francis Bourque
(Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"RELATIONSHIPS" by Sidewinder
(Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover)
"A LITTLE CHANGE OF PLANS" by Wishbringer
(Neon Genesis Evangelion/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"HOUSE OF IKARI'" by Teisu
(Neon Genesis Evangelion)

*Recent Collaberations*

"INFERTIA'S SON" by Rei Inverse
(Ah, My Goddess/El Hazard/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"BATTLE ROYALE" by Jason Gregory
(Sailor Moon SI Fanfic)
"MOON HONEY FLASH" by Xaila
(Sailor Moon/Cutey Honey Crossmix)
"FROM WEIRD TO WEIRDER, CHAPTER 2" by Tomas Mergerson
(Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)

OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING

- Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page
http://www.nav.to/Zoogz
- Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html
- The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot"Wong
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html
- 'SuicideBlast' by: Keener
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html
- Additional links for Keener's stuff
http://tmffa.com/
- Website Number 9 MSTings
http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml
- Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page!
http://carnage.fanfic.org
- A Sailor Moon Romance
http://www.moonromance.net/
- Webdragon's Lair
http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/
- Sean Gaffney's Webpage
http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html
Seanbaby's NES Page
http://www.seanbaby.com/nes.htm
X-Entertainment
http://www.x-entertainment.com/


">Lott snorts, "Shit, I would, if it'd get me out of this bullshit."
"Amen to that.""


Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2003 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics....



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