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* Disclaimer *
Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and
situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever,
and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly
licenced do not sue me.
William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much
Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I
don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My
apologies nonetheless to the Bard.
"Okay, gang, places. Quickly!" Nabiki was waving her copy of
the script in the air. "This is a really big scene, and I want
to do it in as few takes as possible. If we have time, I also
want to squeeze in Scene Two."
The scriptwriter smirked. "A whole Act in one day? Boy, you're
ambitious."
"Aren't I, though?" She grinned. "If we can pull it off, it
means I shave three grand off the production cost. And that'll
put me well under budget."
"Nabiki's always concerned with the budget," said Ranma. "To the
exclusion of all else."
"Shut up, you. Where the hell's Ukyo?"
"She's in costuming," replied the scriptwriter. "Problems with
her breast bindings. I offered to help her with them, and she
offered to loosen some teeth."
"And rightly so," muttered Akane.
"Okay, cram the editorials. And someone go light a fire under
Ukyo."
"What's the rush, Nabs? We can't start without her."
"Exactly the problem. And don't call me that."
"I'm here." Ukyo rushed into the dojo, moving as quickly as she
could in her Shinto robe. Her hair was bound into as masculine a
style as was possible without using scissors. "Where do I
stand?"
"Right over there. Dad, you stand there. Ranma, you're here.
Kuno, over here."
"I shall not stand next to that vile demon, that enemy of--"
"You will, or you forfeit your payment. Genma, you stand here.
Now over here, I need Akane and Shampoo. Leave a space for me.
That's it." She glanced around the room. "Good. Now Kasumi and
Tofu. Here, please." She eyed the nervously sweating doctor.
"You gonna be okay in this scene, Doc?"
He nodded. "I am, Nabiki. All set. No problems. Green
lights."
"Right." She nodded at Shampoo. "All right, everyone. Scripts
down. Roll cameras."
The scriptwriter tapped his remote. "Cameras rolling."
"Action!"
Tail Kinker Presents
In Association with TN Enterprises
Much Ado About Ranma
"Let's make it brief, Ukyo. Only the barest minimum needed."
Tendo glanced meaningfully at Tofu. "I don't know how much this
boy can take."
"Understood, Tendo." He addressed the couple. "You come here to
marry this lady?"
Tofu's eyes glazed over. "Yes!" He grabbed Kasumi's hands, and
started dancing giddily.
"Cut!"
Tofu continued dancing. Nabiki sighed, and turned to Shampoo.
"Do it."
Shampoo nodded, stepped forward, and grabbed the Doctor's jacket.
She quickly pinned a small broach to his lapel. Instantly,
Tofu's expression changed. He dropped Kasumi's hands and stepped
back, an expression of loathing on his face.
"Doc, remember your lines! From Ukyo's line. Action!"
"Understood, Tendo." He addressed the couple. "You come here to
marry this lady?"
"No."
Tendo chuckled. "Marrying her is your job, Ukyo. He is here to
be married."
"Lady, do you come to be married to this man?"
Kasumi nodded. "I do."
"If there are any present who have reason to prevent this
marriage, let them speak now."
Tofu glanced over at Kasumi. "Do you know any such, Kasumi?"
She shook her head. "No."
Ukyo addressed Tofu. "Do you, Doctor?"
Tendo butted in. "Let me answer for him: No! Get on with it."
"Excuse me, Tendo. I can answer for myself." He turned to face
the Tendo patriarch. "You've given me this girl freely?"
Tendo blinked. "Well...yes."
"And I may do with her as I please?"
Tendo scowled.
Tofu grabbed Kasumi's arm and pushed her towards her father.
"Then take her back! I want no such corrupted filth!"
The gathered witnesses exploded into a babble of voices. Tofu
spoke clearly above them all. "Oh, the shock on her face! One
would think she was as pure as the driven snow. Cunning, isn't
she? But it's not shock of surprise, but of discovery!"
"What the hell are you saying?" Tendo balled his fists.
"I refuse to marry the slut!"
"Quiet, all of you!" Tendo waved an arm at the crowd; the other
supported his sobbing daughter. "Now, you had better explain
yourself, Tofu."
"No, Tendo. You'd doubt my word." He turned to Genma.
"Saotome, please tell your friend what we saw last night."
Genma sighed. "Oh, the tragedy! That I thought to link my good
friend Tofu with such a common tart!"
Tendo gaped. "Saotome!"
Ranma shook his head. "Doesn't look like much of a wedding."
"Tendo, I'm sorry you have to hear this. Upon my honour, as a
Martial Artist, I saw this girl, your daughter Kasumi, on her
balcony with a young man."
"Are you certain it was her?"
"Yes, Tendo. She was half-wearing the same dress she'd worn that
day."
"Half!"
"Only half, yes." Kuno now spoke up. "It is true that she was
in intimate contact with a young man. I was there as well, my
lord. I shall not revile this holy place with descriptions of
the scene that unfolded before us, and indeed we left before the
lady's actions proceeded much beyond."
"If only she was as faithful as she is lovely!" Tofu shook his
head in dismay.
Kasumi sobbed, and crumpled to the ground. Akane ran over and
cradled her head. "Kasumi!"
"It is clear that the discovery of these events has smothered her
spririts." Kuno turned and started for the door. "Let us
depart." Tofu and Saotome fell in behind him.
"Cut! Ranma, Shampoo. Grab the doc!"
They did so, and Shampoo flipped the broach over. Again, Tofu's
face changed, and he turned and ran for Kasumi.
He knelt by her. "Kasumi, I'm sorry I said all those horrible
things. I don't know what--"
"It's okay." She smiled up at him, and quickly wiped away the
tears. "I'm only crying because I rubbed onion juice under my
eyes."
"...Onion?"
"They warned me that they might have to do this to you. I'm
sorry I didn't tell you."
"I...I understand." He stood, and turned to Nabiki. "We can
resume any time you like, Nabiki."
Ranma nudged Akane. "You notice anything funny about the way the
Doc's actin'?"
"No. Why?"
"Exactly. How come he ain't flippin' out?"
Akane frowned. "I don't know."
"Shut up, back there. On with the scene." Nabiki flipped
through her folder. "Doc's left the scene, and we'll continue
from there. Places!"
"We're all in place, Nabiki."
"I said can it! All right, Doc, Kuno, Mr. Saotome? You can
leave. We'll take it from Ranma's line. Action!"
"Is she okay, Akane?"
"I don't know, Ranma. I think she..." Akane bit her lip. "She
might have died from the shock."
"Just as well."
Akane glanced up at her father. "Dad! How can you say such a
thing?"
"With the sort of shame she's brought to our household--"
"You can't honestly believe that sort of thing!" Kasumi stirred,
and Akane turned back to her sister. "Oh, thank all that's holy!
Ranma, help me make her comfortable."
Ukyo stepped over to Soun. "You should be glad she'll be okay."
"Glad? Why?" Soun turned to the Priest. "Doesn't every thing
around us cry out her shame? Can she deny even a single thing
that Kuno and Saotome said? It stuns me that she hid this thing,
right under my very nose!"
"Hey, Tendo, calm down!" Ranma stood up from beside Kasumi. "I
mean, yeah, this is a hell of a surprise--"
"It's all a lie!" Akane shook her head.
Ranma turned to the younger Tendo. "Were you in her room last
night?"
"No." Akane shook her head. "I've slept in her room many times
in the past, but not last night."
"A lie? Why would Saotome lie? Why would Kuno lie?" Soun shook
his head. "For that matter, why would Tofu lie? He had the
least reason to do so."
"All right, I have an idea." Ukyo adjusted his robes. "Now if I
could only remember what it was."
"Cut."
"Sorry, Nabiki." Ukyo pulled a script out of the voluminous
robes and started flipping through it.
"I'd like to take the lost time out of your pay, but..."
"But I'm doing this for free." She smirked. "Can't have it both
ways, can you?"
"Shut up."
"I'm ready." She stowed the script back into her robes. "Sorry
'bout this."
"Okay. Fom Ukyo's line. Action!"
"All right, I have an idea." Ukyo adjusted his robes.
"Personally, I think she's innocent of what she's accused of.
She was far too surprised, far too shocked, for it to be true.
I've spent a lot of time learning to read people; it's a part of
my job." He jerked a thumb at himself. "Call me a fool if you
like, but I'm certain she's innocent." He turned to Kasumi.
"Who was the man they accuse you of?"
"Ask them." Kasumi's tone was bitter. "They know; I don't."
Ranma frowned. "I'm certain that my Pop was telling the truth.
I've learned when to tell he's lying. Kuno, on the other
hand..." He frowned. "I've known him to do some vile stuff in
the past. If it's a lie, then he's behind it."
"Well, here's my idea." Ukyo grinned. "As they left, the last
thing they must have heard was Akane stating that Kasumi might be
dead. Let them believe this."
"Oh?"
"Trust me. Once they hear she's dead, they'll start to regret
what they've said. If they've lied, they'll be filled with
remorse. If they've told the truth...well, we'll work on that.
Find the cracks in the story, and figure out what the truth
really is. Then once we've exposed the lies...well, those that
were misled by them will change their tunes."
Soun frowned. "And what if it's all truth?"
"I doubt very much that it is."
Ranma dropped a hand on Soun's shoulder. "Tendo, let's do what
Ukyo suggests, okay? I mean, Tofu's one of my best friends, but
what he did here was kinda over the top, y'know?"
Soun nodded. "All right. We'll give your idea a shot." He
gathered his daughter in his arms. "Let's go back to the house,
and I'll take Kasumi to her room. Ukyo, you come with me; it'll
be more convincing with a priest in tow."
"Cut. Okay, let's move the cameras to the garden. We're a bit
ahead of schedule here. Let's keep it this way."
"Uh...Nabiki?" The scriptwriter waved the printout at her.
"This is all one scene."
"I'm changing it."
"But--"
"Shut up. I'm the director."
"But--"
* * * * *
"You okay, Akane?"
"Yeah...I guess." She wiped her eyes, but didn't look at him;
her eyes remained fixed on the koi pond.
"Look, I know that was kinda harsh. I want you to know that I
think Kasumi's tellin' the truth." He stepped up to sit down
next to her, slipped, and fell into the pond.
"Cut!"
Ranma surfaced, and spat out water. "Why does this always happen
to me? Any time I come near this friggin' pond, I end up takin'
a bath!" She pulled a fish out of the top of her shirt and
dropped it back into the pond, a look of disgust on her face.
"Akane, stop gigglin'."
"Sorry." She snickered.
"Don't worry, we've got a kettle available for just such an
occasion. And dry clothes." Nabiki sighed. "It was going too
well to be true. Let's take five, then try again."
* * * * *
"You okay, Akane?"
"Yeah...I guess." She wiped her eyes, but didn't look at him;
her eyes remained fixed on the koi pond.
"Look, I know that was kinda harsh. I want you to know that I
think Kasumi's tellin' the truth." He sat down next to her. "I
wish I could prove it...but it's just a gut feeling."
"You could prove it." She glanced up at him. "There is a way,
but..."
"But?"
"But I don't think you'd do it." She looked back down at the
pond.
"I--" He hesitated. "Akane, believe it or not, I care about
you." He folded his hands in his lap. "Strange, isn't it?"
"Strange? Is it really?" She turned towards him and grabbed his
hands. "You know that Tofu's lying, right?"
"Well, I don't know about lyin'. I think he's been lied to,
somehow."
"Ranma..." She looked down at their hands. "Right after the
wedding, I was going to tell you I loved you."
"You--" His eyes widened. "You do?"
She smiled. "If you can admit it, so can I."
"I didn't admit nothin'!"
"Cut!" She sighed. "Ranma, please restrain from such knee-jerk
reactions."
"Sorry, Nabiki."
"Okay, from Akane's line. Action."
She smiled. "If you can admit it, so can I."
I didn't--" He paused. "Well, I didn't, but I will. I'd do
anything for you."
"Then challenge Tofu."
He shook his head. "I can't."
"Anything for me, eh?" She stood up, anger etched in her face.
"Wait!"
"Why?"
"Akane--"
"Sorry, I'm already gone." And she was turning to leave. Ranma
hopped to his feet.
"Why do you want me to challenge Tofu? What did he do to you?"
"You need to ask?" She whirled, eyes blazing. "He's slandered
my sister! Said the most vile things about her, right there
before our family's shrine! I'd challenge him myself, but..."
She sighed. "But I'm not good enough to beat him."
"Akane--"
"He called her a slut! And your father, who claims to be a great
Martial Artist and defender of Truth, backed him up! I'm not
good enough to beat him." She turned away from him, and a slight
smile creased her lips. "If only there was someone good enough
to challenge Tofu, and defeat him!"
"Akane." He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Look,
you know I believe that your sister's innocent, right? Even if
she's guilty, I think that Tofu went too far."
"Prove it."
He hesitated a long moment, then nodded. "All right. I will
challenge Tofu."
"Cut and print!" Nabiki chuckled. "Oh, we're doing well here."
"Uh, Nabiki?"
"What?"
"This digital video camera of yours? It's flashing some message
at me."
"What message?"
"I don't know. I can't read any kanji."
Nabiki stormed over to the camera. "Out of memory...Oh, great.
Just bloody great." She dropped her head into her hands. "If
it's not one thing, it's another."
"How much is missing?"
"Well, we got the entire scene on the camcorder, but I really
wanted at least a few shots from this angle..." She fiddled with
the camera. "Why is there only a 64-meg card in this thing?
We've lost almost the entire scene here. We'll have to re-shoot
it. Go get me another memory card, a 256-meg this time."
Akane threw up her hands. "With the out-takes in this scene, and
you think we're gonna get it right the second time through?"
"Not really." Nabiki chuckled. "Don't worry...it just gives us
another opportunity to move cameras."
With the new memory card installed, and the analogue camera
repositioned, Akane and Ranma took their starting positions
again. Nabiki considered, then tapped the script. "Let's start
from the top of page twenty-nine. We don't need to get a lot of
this scene re-filmed. It's the last half I want from this angle.
Okay?"
"We're set."
"Good. Camera, and...Action!"
"Ranma..." She looked down at their hands. "Right after the
wedding, I was going to tell you I loved you."
"You--" His eyes widened. "You do?"
She smiled. "If you can admit it, so can I."
"I didn't--" He paused. "Well, I didn't, but I will. I'd do
anything for you."
"Then challenge Tofu."
He shook his head. "I can't."
"Anything for me, eh?" She stood up, anger etched in her face.
"Wait!"
"Why?"
"Akane--"
"Sorry, I'm already gone." And she was turning to leave. Ranma
hopped to his feet.
"Why do you want me to challenge Tofu? What did he do to you?"
"You need to ask?" She whirled, eyes blazing. "He's slandered
my sister! Said the most vile things about her, right there
before our family's shrine! I'd challenge him myself, but..."
She sighed. "But I'm not good enough to beat him."
"Akane--"
"He called her a slut! And your father, who claims to be a great
Martial Artist and defender of Truth, backed him up! I'm not
good enough to beat him." She turned away from him, and a slight
smile creased her lips. "If only there was someone good enough
to challenge Tofu, and defeat him!"
"Akane." He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. As she
spun, she raised a fist, catching him across the face.
"Cut!"
"Sorry, sis. Reflex action."
"Tomboy," grumbled Ranma.
"You want another?"
"Can it, you two!"
"Sorry."
"Just..." She threw up her hands, exasperated. "Honestly! It's
just amazing that you two haven't killed each other yet! Let's
take it from Akane's line. Action!"
"He called her a slut! And your father, who claims to be a great
Martial Artist and defender of Truth, backed him up! I'm not
good enough to beat him." She turned away from him, and a slight
smile creased her lips. "If only there was someone good enough
to challenge Tofu, and defeat him!"
"Akane." He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around. "Look,
you know I believe that your sister's innocent, right? Even if
she's guilty, I think that Tofu went too far."
"Prove it."
He hesitated a long moment, then nodded. "All right. I will
challenge Tofu."
"Cut." Nabiki glanced down at her watch. "So much for saving
the extra time. We're gonna have to film Scene Two tomorrow."
She sighed. "Ten grand down the tubes."
"Sorry, Nabs. I think it was my fault this time."
"Yeah, funny, that." She shook the 64-meg memory card at him.
"Why the hell would you load this card when you knew we were
doing two Scenes today?"
"I didn't know. And it was the first card I laid hands on."
"Three grand. Three freakin' grand! Do you know why this cost
me three grand?"
"Uh...why?"
"Remember those two muttonheads I hired to play the watchmen? I
had to pay them to show up, today, and I'll have to pay them
again tomorrow!"
"I thought they were doing the shot for free."
"Yesterday, they were. Today...well, they found out it was
actually work. I had to pay them fifteen hundred each just to
get them to show up."
"Oh."
"Oh, he says!" She grabbed the digital camera. "I'd take it out
of your pay, too, if I could. No, don't touch that camera! I'll
do it myself!"
* * * * *