At 18:08 03/28/03, tabyk@attbi.com wrote:

Score!  More of this line!

Please keep in mind that all C&C is my opinion only, feel free to ignore 
it, take it, or double-check to make sure I'm not totally wrong.  (I'd 
really suggest that last one, in fact.)

Also, my C&C engine is a wee bit rusty, so bear with me, 'kay?

## All my comments will be prefaced with these babies.

     Final note:  I can't honestly remember if I've already
posted this to the FFML or not, so here it is (again?) after a
a number of rewrites and updates.

## I'm fairly certain I haven't seen it before.  More's the pity.

<snip>

     "Take a seat Officer."

## Should be "seat, Officer."

     Giving her a short nod, he sat before noticing that she
wasn't joining him.  Giving him a critical look she finally said,
"Welcome to the Saigo Gumi, Saotome.  I'm busy at the moment, so
you're just getting the abridged chew for now."

## I might suggest "abridge version".  "abridged chew" seems a bit...off, 
to me.

     "This unit was formed, by order of the Prime Minister
himself, for the singular purpose of dealing with the increasing
number of terrorist attacks that are happening within Japan.  For
every three incidences the uniformed police and special
investigators stop, one gets by, and THAT is unacceptable."

     "I've got a hand picked team here, but I need someone with

## "hand-picked", I believe.

specialized training to manage them the way I want.  I've read
your dossier, and I like 'most' of it, so I went through Hell and

## Are those single-quotes for emphasis?  If they are, I'd suggest using a 
different character for them.  *these* or _these_, maybe.

## Also, I think that should be "hell".

I got you."  Lowering her tone a moment she then said," I know
this isn't the assignment you were expecting, or trained for, but
I need you to take these people and turn them into what you've
been working with in Hong Kong for the last 18 months."

## "tone a moment, she then said, "I know..." and so forth.  (Misplaced 
quotation mark, missing comma.)

<snip>

     Letting out a tired sigh, Saotome gazed at the closed door a
moment before turning to face them all.

     "Er... hi.  I'm Saotome Ranma, nice to meet you all."

## If he'd said "Sorry 'bout this.", I'm afraid I'd have had to scream.  Or 
cry.  Maybe both.

     There was a moment of silence before Katai suddenly exploded
saying, "Well this is just fucking great!  We've been hitched
with a fucking cadet!"

     Having spent enough time around 'hard core' military
personnel, Doi almost groaned out loud as he watched Katai
approached Saotome.

## "approach Saotome."

     Jabbing two fingers into the young man's chest, Katai then
said, "Listen up, cadet.  I didn't serve in the Forces for ten
years just to wipe some trainee's fucking nose.  I don't know
whose ass your father kissed for you to get here, but you just
stay out of my way so I can get the fucking job done.  Got it?"

## This is just a pet peeve of mine, but I personally try to avoid using 
"said" as much as possible.  Usually, it's possible to find a replacement 
for it that's much more active in voice and conveys a feel better.  For 
example, "growled", "hissed", or "spat".

     Seeing a brief moment of severe annoyance flash across
Saotome's face, Doi watched as the young man reached up to remove
Katai's fingers from his chest.  It was exactly what the older
man had been waiting for.  As soon as Saotome grabbed his
fingers, Katai threw a hard left hook, which should have
literally smashed the younger man backward into the Director's
door... if he hadn't suddenly moved.

     Leaning to his right, Saotome grabbed Katai's arm, right
behind the wrist, and just dragged the man across his body and
into the door, face first, behind him.  Pushing himself away from

## I'd suggest moving that "face first" to right after the "and", personally.

the door, Katai spun in place towards Saotome's back, only to go
backward once again as the young man's elbow hammered into his
chest, tossing him back against the Director's door a second time.
Coughing violently, the older man slid down to his knees as he
tried to regain his breath.

     Still not even bothering to look in Katai's direction
Saotome then quietly, but firmly, stated, "I didn't ask for this

## "direction, Saotome quietly" (comma needed, and 'then' not needed)

job, but I got it, and I'm going to do it."  Then taking two

## I'd also suggest dropping the "then" from this sentence, too.

envelopes that had been held in his right hand the entire time,
he tossed one to each Doi and Junko.  "I don't expect you to like
me.  In fact, it's probably better that you didn't, but I do
expect you to listen."

     With a final glance over his shoulder he added, "And learn."

## "shoulder, he"  (Missing comma.)

<snip>

     He felt his own body jerk as the pulse passed over him
causing multiple minor system failures.  It was only by the grace

## You switched tenses mid-sentence, here.  "passed" and 
"causing".  Suggest "and caused", instead.

of all the heavy shielding built into him that he wasn't on the
floor twitching as his brain went into system shock.  Grabbing
onto the table next to him he frantically began the process of
shutting down unnecessary functions while rerouting everything
else that he could.

     Looking up through the static haze that now filled his
vision he saw everyone else staggering as well, though not nearly
as bad as both Saotome and himself.  Was the man completely
crazy?

## Uhhh....  Was there ever any doubt?  ^_^

     That's when he heard Saotome almost scream, "Speed round.
Start!"

     Reacting almost instinctively from his academy training, he
lurched and grabbed the 10mm pistol on the table in front of him
before pointing it in the general direction of the target and
squeezing the trigger as fast as he could.  Just as his vision
was starting to improve, the clip ran dry.

     Dropping the pistol he took two steps and almost threw
himself into the nearest chair available, still trying to access
all the damage that he'd taken.  Upon hearing Katai's voice he
looked back towards the rest of the group.

## "assess", not "access".  "Access" is to enter or gain admittance. 
"Assess" is to determine the amount or rate of something.

## "voice, he" (comma needed)

     "Are you fucking crazy you asshole?!  You could have killed
someone with that stunt!"

## "crazy, you"  (Comma needed)


<snip>

     She stared at him, silent, for a period of time before
opening a drawer on her desk.  Taking a single photograph out she
glanced at it a moment before muttering, "It was hell getting
this," and slid it across the table to him.

## "sliding", not "slid".  Wrong tense.

     The photo was of a Japanese officer, happily chatting away
with some Caucasian while the both of them enjoyed what appeared
to be very nice meal.  Uncertain about what the image was
supposed to tell him, Ranma turned back to the director and said,
"So?"

     "Would it help to know that the man you are looking at is
Major Fujimaki Akira, the clear military choice to lead this
unit.  The man sitting across from him is from the American
Embassy."

## "unit?"  (She's asking a question, it should end in a question mark.)

     Groaning out loud he looked once more at the photo before
tossing it back onto her desk.  "I'm not suited for these games,
Akimoto..."

## "loud, he" (Comma needed.)

     Once more leaning back in her chair she said, "And that's
one of the reasons why I wanted you.  With Akira compromised, you
were my best choice, my first if truth be told.  And you don't
have to enjoy it, Saotome, you just need to learn to play."

## "chair, she"  (Our old friend the comma, again.)

     Closing his eyes in thought once again he finally asked,
"How long do I have?"

     "Days, Saotome.  If you're lucky."


     * * * * * * * * * *


     Stepping into the bar Doi looked around, taking in all the

## "bar, Doi" (Comma.)

early morning drunks and toughs that frequented the place, before
he noticed the bartender motioning him towards one of the back
areas.  Nodding his thanks he made his way over and eventually
spotted a secluded corner where the rest of his team were
situated, it being walled off on three sides yet still giving
them enough room to more then make their own mess.

     Like most officers Doi was used to having a regular watering

## "officers, Doi" (Comma.)

hole, a local meeting spot where he could talk with his fellow
co-workers in a non-official environment.  The whole place had a
sleazy feel to it, but with the bartender recognizing what party
he'd wanted so quickly, the staff were obviously familiar with
this kind of use.  He just knew that it had to be Katai who'd
picked it.

     "You like the place Harugushi?"

     Yup.

     Shrugging his shoulders he dropped into an empty chair and
spent a moment rubbing his face with both hands before looking at
the three of them once again.

     "Hey Doi."  Looking up he took in Goro's concerned look

## "Hey, Doi."  (I think.  Not sure on this one.)

before the man said, "What's the problem?  Hell, 'boot camp'
ended yesterday.  Relax, drink a beer, something..."

     Sighing to himself he replied by pulling out a set of

## "himself, he"  (Yet another comma.)

documents from his jacket and throwing them onto the table.
Junko, who immediately gave them a cursory glance, was the first
to react.

     Snatching a particular report with sudden swiftness she

## "swiftness, she" (Guess.)

quickly flipped through it before turning to him and demanding,
"What the hell is this?"

<snip>

     Pushing back to his feet he stepped in front of the man
before he could leave.  They stood that way, facing each other,
before Doi heard the man growl.

## I'd suggest some kind of a time unit in there.  "facing each other for a 
mew tense minutes", for example.

     "Get out of my way Doi."

## "way, Doi."  (Good ol' comma.)


<snip>

     Reaching out he took the papers still being limply held in

## "out, he"  (Comma.)

Goro's hand.  Taking a lighter from his pocket he then
deliberately lit them, dropping the result onto the pile still on
the table, before saying, "Don't worry, Katai.  I plan to."

     Tossing her own paperwork onto the now flaming pile Junko

## "pile, Junko" (Yup, another one.)

leveled her own gaze at him before looking down at Goro's slumped
form, who just mutely stared as his life burn before him.

## And the last part of this sentence is in a separate tense.  Maybe "who 
was mutely staring as his life burnt before him." or similar?

     "We'll be waiting."

     Nodding towards her, he turned and made it as far as the
front door before an emergency over-ride slammed it's way into
his cyberbrain.

## "its", not "it's".  "It's" is a contraction of "it is", while "its" 
shows possession.

Hmmmm....

One last thing, this time about ellipses.  When used to end a sentence, you 
use four periods to form an ellipses.  When used inside a sentence to show 
a pause or an edit to remove words, you use three periods.  There's several 
points when you used three periods to end a sentence.

All in all, a very fun read.  Looking forward to the next chapter 
muchly.  By and large, the only things I could find were minor grammar and 
spelling errors.  Nice prose, nice flow, and a good hook.

Hope to see more soon!

Ja Ne!
Slacker

***********************************************
STUDENT: Master, what is the secret of a popular fanfic?
MASTER: Child, the secret is simply this: You must serve the fans.
STUDENT: So the secret is...fanservice?
MASTER: You begin to learn, grasshopper.

After finishing a story:
If you liked the story, drink a bottle to celebrate.
If you disliked the story, drink two bottles to cheer you up.
If you're apathetic, then drink till you care, dammit!
(From a Slayers drinking game.)


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