Sorry it's taken me a while to get to this:

DB Sommer wrote:

Yep. We're doing this one again, and like so many things, this chapter

grew

on me. One day I shall learn to write shorter chapters

And since I've finally finished my finals for this sem, with Summer

Vacation loming around the corner from this side of the world, I can finally
catch up on some C&Cing.

Always look forward to it.

Preface: What's happened before: Akane got her hands on a wish and used

it

to wish her mother had never been in a car accident and was alive in the
present. Well, her mother wasn't in an accident and is with them in the
present. There's only a slight complication; Kachiko had been in two
accidents, the first occurring when she was the ripe old age of

seventeen...

On the writer's note thing coupled with the preface thing... I have to

admit, for a concept that could have been made into a one-shot shortfic or
even a spamfic with Kachi being the 'punchline,' you have really fleshed-out
the said concept to... incredible proportions. I would have never imagined
that it could have panned out the way it did. Though, IMHO, with the focus
being mainly on Kachi and Kachi mostly, with the Ranma characters taking a
backseat... I can see why this fic has somewhat its own 'limits,' so to
speak. More on this later.

Yes, it does. There's no doubt about that. I sort of knew that was going to
happen going in and resigned myself to it.

<snippage on the prose concerning Kachi's typical teenage wanton

disregard for parental advise and her current whimsy concerning sunbathing><

I have read about your 'preferrences' concerning the 'show, not tell

rule'... there are times when you 'suggest' too much in your fics that the
readers just don't get what's happening anymore... so much so that it looks
like Hideaki Anno wrote the fic (an exaggerration to emphasize the point,
but I digress). So instead you go with the tried and true rule of 'tell, not
show' which is sooo very much easier (and very reminiscent of Ammadeau's
writing, particluarly in his proto-fic 'Kumiko, the Demon-girl'). But, IMO,
a little 'snippage' here and there... character thoughts here and there...
not so much Dickens-like all-seeing omnipotent narrator and more on the
let-the-characters-tell-the-story type of thing.

I do tend to do that though. In this case the only way to describe her life
when she lived with her parents is having her recall it. There is no way to
'show' it and still make the story interesting.

Kachiko refrained from buying what was termed a thong. It wasn't that she
considered it too revealing, just that her attempt to wear one proved

that

walking around with a string running in between her buttocks was a

decidedly

uncomfortable experience. So she settled on something small, that

bordered

on scandalous, if not a touch on the other side.

Ah... touches of conservatism from a woman of bygone age seeing the

recklessness of a new generation?

Kachiko: Nah, it's just for practicality's sake.

That too. I know I wouldn't want dental floss riding up the crack of my ass.

I'm just wondering... as an aside... if Kachi or the others have heard of

the 'printed-panties on skirt which makes it seem see-through but it's not'
thing which is apparently all-the-rage in Japan (unless it's again
misinformation).

I wonder if you've heard about it outside of this C&C, Mr. Sommer.

Someone sent me several photos of girls wearing them. hard to believe
something so silly is popular. Sorry I didn't come up with it so I could
rake in the dough. One day I will come up with the next 'pet rock' and
comfortably retire. ^_^

her eyes from the glare, squinting and trying to make out who had

emerged.

"I should have brought sunglasses," she mumbled as her eyes failed to
refocus from the bright glare that had narrowed her irises to almost
nothing.

Er... everytime the door slides open, light comes in? She's tanning

herself indoors? Why does she have to squint everytime somebody slides-open
the door?

She has no sunglasses and is laying on her back, sun beating down on her
face. . Even with your eyes closed, you're going to squint at things when
you try looking at them.

"Hey, Kachi," the familiar voice of Nabiki said.

Too much being told, but not much being shown. Suggest getting rid of

'Nabiki' in the sentence and describing it in such a way that it'd say
'Nabiki,' or simply go with 'a familiar and altogether unwanted voice said'
or some such.

Dialogue itself is no indicator of who's speaking to Kachi, and there's no
reason to keep the reader in the dark. Most people like being able to
associate a character with dialogue that's being spoken.

Her eyes finally adjusting to the light, Kachiko could see that Nabiki

had

come outside. She carried a sizable basket on her arm and was wearing a

two

piece bikini that, while in no way conservative, contained about twice

the

material Kachiko's did. Of course Nabiki did have more to conceal,

Kachiko

noted with distaste.

Nabiki: (flattered) Yeah, I have more to conceal, since I'm more stacked

upstairs... wouldn't want them to suddenly spill out so as to give others a
free show, ne?

And that reaction would be why Kachi doesn't mention it aloud. :)

~I must!
~I must!
~I must increase my bust!
~I must!
~I must!
~I must increase my bust!

Heh. Evil as always, DB. Evil as always. I didn't even see that one

coming.

When I first heard the song, I knew Nabby had to use it at some point on
Kachi.

As though she had done nothing more than adjust a dial, she carefully set
the two pieces down, as if they were delicate pieces of china. "That's
better," she informed Nabiki, Kachiko's smile now somewhat back to

normal.

'Straightforwardness' did tend to render sneakiness to oblivion.

Heh

Had Kachiko been a dog, she would have been frothing at the mouth in an
effort to come up with some means of retaliation for that not so subtle

jab,

which was actually a slap in the face. There was no way such a conniving
girl could ever be her daughter. And her chest was too big to be her
offspring. Children weren't supposed to one up their parents, Kachiko
excluded from the rule, naturally.

9_9... ^-^

LIke most, the rules of the universe should apply to everyone but me. Then I
want reality to warp to my own desires.

The first edges of a plan involving hamsters, grease, and duct tape,

Mihoshi: Wai! Hamsters! ^-^

Tenchi: (groans)

I see someone remembers that little piece from so long ago.

Nabiki looked over the scene with an amused grin. "Not quite. His name is
Ryouga. He drops by sometimes. He's someone that hangs around Ranma.

They're

sort of friends in the same sense you and that Wakaba girl were."

Hm. Nice... typical

Nabiki-telling-the-truth-but-still-lying-at-the-same-time tactic.

She is sort of right, just that she knows it will go right past her mom.

had been when they were married, combined with over ten years of

abstinence,

had an odd effect upon him. His mind seem to shut down, as more basic
instincts took over. His eyes took on a vacant stare, drool trickled down
his chin, and he raised his arms up and began to walk slowly forward.
"Kachiiii."

(bigsweats) She is the little trouble magnet, isn't she?

Oui. Her presense is still the center point of the story, and will be until
the end. The while race ring thing furthers the plot in several ways, which
you'll probably pick up on.

Nitpick time... here it is again... the 'IMO of doom.'

The focus went further and further down to Kachiko that it seems like this

fic is beginning to read like a... a... a (dare I say it?) a Carrotglace
fic! Any Carrotglace fic! The insiduous author-avatar with a badass attitude
rendering all the others into heck with sade attitude and becoming the focus
of the story more than Ranma ever could.

Nah. She's been kicked around a bit, especially by Hinako and now Tarou, and
slowly losing ground with most of the others. Nabby already can't stand her,
and Akane's becoming increasingly frustrated by her.

As a certain person mentioned, it seemed that you made this fic with

specific kind of audience.

No, not really.

You said you didn't have a particular audience in mind, yet it would seem

that, unintentionally, you have made this fic 'genre-specific'... the genre
being that it's an 'author-avatar' fic... a pretty good one, but it still
has the basic characteristics of a 'author-avatar... even though Kachi
suffers the most in the fic, she's still the center of attention... she gets
to interact with all the characters, so she isn't the usual (and much
preferred by the readers, strangely enough) a blend-in-the-background,
supporting new character. She's the opposite. She's the hell-raising Author
Avatar... not necessarily a bad thing, but on a preferential basis, there
_is_ a specific audience to this kind of fic.

Yes and no. As I mentioned, she's not 'an addition to the cast' she's the
crux of matters. From Kasumi plotting to unleash her motherliness, to her
meddling postponing the engagement, to Hinako planning to go after Soun
again, she's acting as the catalyst for what goes on. If she wasn't there,
then none of this would be happening.

Sensing blood in the water, Kachiko pressed forward.

Yay! Like a shark! ^-^ Nice imagery... I hope to see more of this in the

fic, since it's the very point which I was pressing on earlier in the first
parts of this C&C.

Not good with imagery really. Need to learn to use more metaphors and
similes.

Nabiki was in a state she had rarely fallen into the last few years; one

of

trembling anger. "You're really asking for it!"

Ooooh. Testy relationship, that.

They are too much alike to get along well.

Dissenting opinion: On the other hand, as others such as yourself have

noted, Kachi could be considered having the 'new character syndrome.' The
one where a new character, when introduced (in manga canon, no less) has a
relative come-uppance with all the other characters.

Her and Nabby split about 50/50 now. This one would qualify as a draw. Nabby
got some digs in, like she planned, but lost the radio.

When introduced. Or when he's an important part of a story arc, or heck,

when he's the story arc (as with Hinako-sensei).

Well, Hinako won at every confrontation there.

True, I have no problems with the Tendo sibling's tempestuous relationship

with dear ol' mom... it's completely natural and non-avatar like... who
doesn't have a large parental impact in their lives?

Actually it's one of the points of the fic. Nabby is simply the first to
really butt heads with her. Akane obviously is really starting to be rubbed
wrong, and Kasumi, well, she still has hope, but of all the girls, she would
probably have the most patience.

If only the same could be said with the _continuous_ impact Kachi's making

on all the other characters... Ukyo, Kuno, and... as of late... Tarou (yep,
I read ahead when I a C&C).

Only the important ones are highlighted. Characters only appear in her as
needed. her real impact is on her family.

There was a loud eruption from the pond as water flew everywhere and an
inhuman roar reverberated throughout the neighborhood, making Kachiko's

hair

stand on end. Reluctantly, she turned around, immediately wincing at the
monstrosity that was now standing in the pond.

And so the other shoe drops.

Yep. That she gets summarily dispatched by Tarou shows she's not up to his
power level head on. And unlike Ranma, he's not going to hold back.

or

...definitely something lingering in the air; something not right.

or even

Something was not right.

will change.

Ranma's eyes widened. Nabiki had said it wasn't bad. How could she have

been

so wrong? He shouted, "Kachi!" and lunged into the room.

He's going to get in trouble with this "protectiveness hero aura" he's

emitting. Oh well... it's very typical of Takahashi heroes and heroines
anyway (as we shall see later).

Yep. But it's one of his nicer qualities.

Ranma covered his eyes. "I'm not looking at her chest!"

Beneath the cloth, Kachiko cried out, "See? He thinks I'm so repulsive he
won't even look at my body! Wah!"

That's kinda-sorta funny. I give it a half 'heh.' :P

Just jumping to the wrong conclusions. A pretty common occurance in R 1/2.

Ranma wanted to argue further, but let it go. He sensed any attempt to
change her mind would be a long and drawn out battle that he didn't feel

up

to, given how guilty he felt about her getting a black eye for his sake.
Besides, no matter how often he tried, he never seemed to be able to

change

any female's mind. He had tried it often with lots of different women and
never once been satisfied with the results.

Insightful, that.

Ranma: It's true years of experience.

Yep. He'll still butt his head against the wall, it's just that he knows
it'll hurt now.

It was more likely she could acquire money to purchase an equivalent

amount

of rice than find something else to get Ranma to agree to a date. To

Ranma,

she said, "Don't worry. I'll win the race and get you that ring you want

so

bad. Although don't think for one second that I'm proposing by giving you

a

ring. I like taking things a wee bit slower than that."

Very, very typical, I see. At least her characterization isn't flat.

Kachi: HEY! Who's flat?!?

Heh

"Sounds like a commitment to me," Kachiko said.

"Only to those that need to be committed," Nabiki added dryly.

Kleppe-ish, I admit... but it works.

Got to throw in a pun every now and then.

"You made than up," Akane said flatly.

"I did not!" Kachiko insisted.

There's nothing like a running gag to make things interesting and to

extend fic length. :)

Yep. I enjoyed throwing the Girl Scout cookies in there as well.

Hesitantly, Kasumi said, "Technically, you did. We used to have a family

dog

about eleven years ago. His name was Akuma. He was sort of a mix of Irish
setter, golden retriever, boxer, and German pinscher."

It's a bit off-tangent with the rest of the flow of the plot (translation:

where the heck did this little backstory come from?), but it can be called
off as character development and some such anyway. 'sides, it's nice to find
a little more about Tendo family shenanigens... only it seemed a bit sudden
and off... the execution, I mean

Hmm. I thought it worked. Gave a little insight to the old family life as
well.

Kachiko gave Nabiki a soft look. "I'm sorry. The next time you lose a

pet, I

won't lie. I'll be sure to let you know he was turned into a

roadpancake."

She should be quoted with that. Like with the Something Positive webcomic,

where they have a 'best quotes' weblink.

Have to visit that sometime.

Nabiki considered that. Slowly, she said, "No. Not really."

"Obviously it worked," Kachiko said satisfactorily.

Ah. Traumatic, that. Though it would seem that Kachi's getting one over

everybody else each and every scene... which takes us back to point A,
Author-Avatarishness with just a hint of incredible pain and suffering to
'mask' said Author-Avatarishness.

Not really. Despite getting the drop on Tarou, he still beat her easily. And
you can't consider her winning against Nabby earlier. That was a draw.

She wasn't anywhere near fast enough as two irate martial artists fell

upon

her.

This entire scene... can be interpreted in two ways (goodness, I'm in a

very nitpicky mood today....). One is the usual point A... Kachi is the
source of all the problems yet again, and she wins the day yet again,

Bah. It was obvious the recollection was for the intent of humor and to
demonstrat 'ass-kicking' pootential. The punchline Kachi ending up beaten
(unjustifyable, for a change ^_^) that and it shows how she functioned with
her gang of friends. It's also mentioned that Saffy's final defeat was
accidental, rather by intenet (she slipped, rather than deliberately
tricking Saffy into the vat) and that the means of his defeat was provided
by someone else (Wakaba).

and she gets her butt kicked yet again... she's the practically the

'newRanma' (with apologies to C. Jones) of this story... meaning she has
usurped Ranma's role as lead protagonist/punching bag/chaos magnet of the
entire fic (the latter two 'skills' being part of the protagonist job
description).

OTOH, what's happening to Kachi can be compared to Takahashi's use of

Happossai (Ranma 1/2's designated plot device) with him being the source of
Hinako's prowess... (in the same vein as, with anime canon, he was the
catalyst for the plot of the 1st Ranma movie and several OAVs)... Kachi is
footnoted as the catalyst, and promptly gets her butt kicked.

In either case... good work. But still, the overzealous referrencing of

Kachi as the main focal point of... everything can get very... detracting
for the story.

I can see that. I ought to spread things out more, but it's not easy. Too
much focus on the others can move things along too fast. Although there is a
solo Interlude planned for Soun later, and one of the upcoming chapters will
center more on Nabby. I just have to get the timing right is all.

Well now... other than the recurring Kachi Author Avatar syndrome going

on, I can see that this little piece has real direction. More on that on the
next part of the c&c. Admittedly, ANC

Well, I've always said she's been intended to be annoying to the other
characters. It's starting to take it's toll on several of them already,
Nabby primarily.

 or no ANC, I see that this fic can be categorized as one of the more
enjoyable Author Avatarish fics I've read... whether or not it was
intentionally made into one or not. I dunno... in a normal r.5 manga story

Nah. this would never have been a 'normal R/5 story. It's flavor's much too
different.

concerning a new character, whether an antagonist or otherwise, Ranma is

still the focal point. This has become Kachi's story, for good or for ill,
with all the other characters serving as the supporting characters (even
Ranma). This may turn off other readers, I must admit... but I am c&cing
this anyway, so by no means does 'being turned-off' is of my own opinion. I
quite like this story... it just seems it's coming off as another story
altogether, one which the author may or may not intend.

As long as you're enjoying it, I can live with that. ^_^

Will get to the next part soon.

DB Sommer

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