[FFML] Re: [Ranma][fanfic] The Things We Wish For... Chapter 8 Part A



DB Sommer wrote:


Yep. We're doing this one again, and like so many things, this chapter grew
on me. One day I shall learn to write shorter chapters


And since I've finally finished my finals for this sem, with Summer Vacation loming around the corner from this side of the world, I can finally catch up on some C&Cing.

[Writer's note: I ordinarily don't like to do this, but I don't believe this
chapter is quite as good as the one before, but it accomplishes what I want
and need to do. Hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway.]

Preface: What's happened before: Akane got her hands on a wish and used it
to wish her mother had never been in a car accident and was alive in the
present. Well, her mother wasn't in an accident and is with them in the
present. There's only a slight complication; Kachiko had been in two
accidents, the first occurring when she was the ripe old age of seventeen...


On the writer's note thing coupled with the preface thing... I have to admit, for a concept that could have been made into a one-shot shortfic or even a spamfic with Kachi being the 'punchline,' you have really fleshed-out the said concept to... incredible proportions. I would have never imagined that it could have panned out the way it did. Though, IMHO, with the focus being mainly on Kachi and Kachi mostly, with the Ranma characters taking a backseat... I can see why this fic has somewhat its own 'limits,' so to speak. More on this later.

<snippage on the prose concerning Kachi's typical teenage wanton disregard for parental advise and her current whimsy concerning sunbathing><


I have read about your 'preferrences' concerning the 'show, not tell rule'... there are times when you 'suggest' too much in your fics that the readers just don't get what's happening anymore... so much so that it looks like Hideaki Anno wrote the fic (an exaggerration to emphasize the point, but I digress). So instead you go with the tried and true rule of 'tell, not show' which is sooo very much easier (and very reminiscent of Ammadeau's writing, particluarly in his proto-fic 'Kumiko, the Demon-girl'). But, IMO, a little 'snippage' here and there... character thoughts here and there... not so much Dickens-like all-seeing omnipotent narrator and more on the let-the-characters-tell-the-story type of thing.

Of course this is, again, just a preferential thing.

Kachiko refrained from buying what was termed a thong. It wasn't that she
considered it too revealing, just that her attempt to wear one proved that
walking around with a string running in between her buttocks was a decidedly
uncomfortable experience. So she settled on something small, that bordered
on scandalous, if not a touch on the other side.


Ah... touches of conservatism from a woman of bygone age seeing the recklessness of a new generation? 

Kachiko: Nah, it's just for practicality's sake.

I'm just wondering... as an aside... if Kachi or the others have heard of the 'printed-panties on skirt which makes it seem see-through but it's not' thing which is apparently all-the-rage in Japan (unless it's again misinformation).

I wonder if you've heard about it outside of this C&C, Mr. Sommer.


Kachiko had been laying out on her back for no more than fifteen minutes
before she heard the door to the house slide open. She rose up and shielded
her eyes from the glare, squinting and trying to make out who had emerged.
"I should have brought sunglasses," she mumbled as her eyes failed to
refocus from the bright glare that had narrowed her irises to almost
nothing.


Er... everytime the door slides open, light comes in? She's tanning herself indoors? Why does she have to squint everytime somebody slides-open the door?

Please educate an ignorant youth as to how this is going on... apparently. so far, I'm the only one taking note of this, as if I'm missing something.

"Hey, Kachi," the familiar voice of Nabiki said.


Too much being told, but not much being shown. Suggest getting rid of 'Nabiki' in the sentence and describing it in such a way that it'd say 'Nabiki,' or simply go with 'a familiar and altogether unwanted voice said' or some such.

Besides, Nabiki's name would already be mentioned on the next paragraph... of course, this may merely be just me nitpicking again.

Her eyes finally adjusting to the light, Kachiko could see that Nabiki had
come outside. She carried a sizable basket on her arm and was wearing a two
piece bikini that, while in no way conservative, contained about twice the
material Kachiko's did. Of course Nabiki did have more to conceal, Kachiko
noted with distaste.


Nabiki: (flattered) Yeah, I have more to conceal, since I'm more stacked upstairs... wouldn't want them to suddenly spill out so as to give others a free show, ne?

~I must!
~I must!
~I must increase my bust!
~I must!
~I must!
~I must increase my bust!


Heh. Evil as always, DB. Evil as always. I didn't even see that one coming.

"It's a bit loud," Kachiko said, smile not faltering in the slightest. "I'm
going to turn it down." She picked up the radio, and brought it down over
the top of her head, rending plastic and wires as she shattered it in two.
As though she had done nothing more than adjust a dial, she carefully set
the two pieces down, as if they were delicate pieces of china. "That's
better," she informed Nabiki, Kachiko's smile now somewhat back to normal.


'Straightforwardness' did tend to render sneakiness to oblivion.

Had Kachiko been a dog, she would have been frothing at the mouth in an
effort to come up with some means of retaliation for that not so subtle jab,
which was actually a slap in the face. There was no way such a conniving
girl could ever be her daughter. And her chest was too big to be her
offspring. Children weren't supposed to one up their parents, Kachiko
excluded from the rule, naturally.


9_9... ^-^

The first edges of a plan involving hamsters, grease, and duct tape,


Mihoshi: Wai! Hamsters! ^-^

Tenchi: (groans)

Nabiki looked over the scene with an amused grin. "Not quite. His name is
Ryouga. He drops by sometimes. He's someone that hangs around Ranma. They're
sort of friends in the same sense you and that Wakaba girl were."


Hm. Nice... typical Nabiki-telling-the-truth-but-still-lying-at-the-same-time tactic.

As her attention was riveted to wiping her body, Soun emerged from the
house. "Is everything all right? I thought I heard a..." his voice trailed
off as he espied his wife, standing in a swimsuit far smaller than he had
ever seen her wear before. The sight of seeing someone he had been married
to for so many years in such a revealing in garb, in better shape than she
had been when they were married, combined with over ten years of abstinence,
had an odd effect upon him. His mind seem to shut down, as more basic
instincts took over. His eyes took on a vacant stare, drool trickled down
his chin, and he raised his arms up and began to walk slowly forward.
"Kachiiii."


(bigsweats) She is the little trouble magnet, isn't she?

Nitpick time... here it is again... the 'IMO of doom.' 

The focus went further and further down to Kachiko that it seems like this fic is beginning to read like a... a... a (dare I say it?) a Carrotglace fic! Any Carrotglace fic! The insiduous author-avatar with a badass attitude rendering all the others into heck with sade attitude and becoming the focus of the story more than Ranma ever could. 

As a certain person mentioned, it seemed that you made this fic with specific kind of audience. You said you didn't have a particular audience in mind, yet it would seem that, unintentionally, you have made this fic 'genre-specific'... the genre being that it's an 'author-avatar' fic... a pretty good one, but it still has the basic characteristics of a 'author-avatar... even though Kachi suffers the most in the fic, she's still the center of attention... she gets to interact with all the characters, so she isn't the usual (and much preferred by the readers, strangely enough) a blend-in-the-background, supporting new character. She's the opposite. She's the hell-raising Author Avatar... not necessarily a bad thing, but on a preferential basis, there _is_ a specific audience to this kind of fic.

Sensing blood in the water, Kachiko pressed forward.


Yay! Like a shark! ^-^ Nice imagery... I hope to see more of this in the fic, since it's the very point which I was pressing on earlier in the first parts of this C&C.

Nabiki was in a state she had rarely fallen into the last few years; one of
trembling anger. "You're really asking for it!"


Ooooh. Testy relationship, that. 

Dissenting opinion: On the other hand, as others such as yourself have noted, Kachi could be considered having the 'new character syndrome.' The one where a new character, when introduced (in manga canon, no less) has a relative come-uppance with all the other characters.

When introduced. Or when he's an important part of a story arc, or heck, when he's the story arc (as with Hinako-sensei). 

True, I have no problems with the Tendo sibling's tempestuous relationship with dear ol' mom... it's completely natural and non-avatar like... who doesn't have a large parental impact in their lives? If only the same could be said with the _continuous_ impact Kachi's making on all the other characters... Ukyo, Kuno, and... as of late... Tarou (yep, I read ahead when I a C&C).

Kachiko grabbed him by the back of his shirt and heaved him into the koi
pond, his wincing form making a loud splash. She said to the pond. "That's
what you get for trying to ambush up my Ranma." She slapped her hands
together, and gave a satisfied grin to Nabiki. "That takes care of that."


~~Dun dun DUUUUUUN~~

There was a loud eruption from the pond as water flew everywhere and an
inhuman roar reverberated throughout the neighborhood, making Kachiko's hair
stand on end. Reluctantly, she turned around, immediately wincing at the
monstrosity that was now standing in the pond.


And so the other shoe drops.

Ranma wasn't in the Tendou home for more than minute before he sensed
something amiss. He entered the living room and spotted Nabiki watching the
television. Everything appeared all right on the surface, but there was
definitely something lingering in the air. Something not right.


The last sentence was a fragment. I suggest revision,

Suggest: 

...definitely something lingering in the air... something not right.

or

...definitely something lingering in the air; something not right.

or even

Something was not right.

Ranma's eyes widened. Nabiki had said it wasn't bad. How could she have been
so wrong? He shouted, "Kachi!" and lunged into the room.


He's going to get in trouble with this "protectiveness hero aura" he's emitting. Oh well... it's very typical of Takahashi heroes and heroines anyway (as we shall see later).

Ranma covered his eyes. "I'm not looking at her chest!"

Beneath the cloth, Kachiko cried out, "See? He thinks I'm so repulsive he
won't even look at my body! Wah!"


That's kinda-sorta funny. I give it a half 'heh.' :P

Ranma wanted to argue further, but let it go. He sensed any attempt to
change her mind would be a long and drawn out battle that he didn't feel up
to, given how guilty he felt about her getting a black eye for his sake.
Besides, no matter how often he tried, he never seemed to be able to change
any female's mind. He had tried it often with lots of different women and
never once been satisfied with the results.


Insightful, that.

Ranma: It's true years of experience.

It was more likely she could acquire money to purchase an equivalent amount
of rice than find something else to get Ranma to agree to a date. To Ranma,
she said, "Don't worry. I'll win the race and get you that ring you want so
bad. Although don't think for one second that I'm proposing by giving you a
ring. I like taking things a wee bit slower than that."


Very, very typical, I see. At least her characterization isn't flat.

Kachi: HEY! Who's flat?!?

"Ranma said he loves me no matter what I look like," Kachiko said dreamily.

Akane shot Ranma a shocked, then angry glare.

Ranma let out a strangled noise and quickly blurted out more to Akane that


than

Kachiko, "I did not say that! I said your black eye would go away and it
wasn't anything to feel bad about."

"Sounds like a commitment to me," Kachiko said.

"Only to those that need to be committed," Nabiki added dryly.


Kleppe-ish, I admit... but it works.

"I am," Kachiko corrected. "After all, I'm not known as the Queen of the
Obstacle Course for nothing."

"You made than up," Akane said flatly.

"I did not!" Kachiko insisted.


There's nothing like a running gag to make things interesting and to extend fic length. :)

Bitterly, Nabiki snapped. "Right! Like when you told me our dog wasn't
around anymore because he got a new job in a junkyard and had to relocate to
Singapore?!"

Somewhat off guard by the accusation, Kachiko said, "I never told you that."

Hesitantly, Kasumi said, "Technically, you did. We used to have a family dog
about eleven years ago. His name was Akuma. He was sort of a mix of Irish
setter, golden retriever, boxer, and German pinscher."


It's a bit off-tangent with the rest of the flow of the plot (translation: where the heck did this little backstory come from?), but it can be called off as character development and some such anyway. 'sides, it's nice to find a little more about Tendo family shenanigens... only it seemed a bit sudden and off... the execution, I mean

Kachiko gave Nabiki a soft look. "I'm sorry. The next time you lose a pet, I
won't lie. I'll be sure to let you know he was turned into a roadpancake."


She should be quoted with that. Like with the Something Positive webcomic, where they have a 'best quotes' weblink.

"Probably to teach you not to be gullible," Kachiko retorted. "Are you
gullible?"

Nabiki considered that. Slowly, she said, "No. Not really."

"Obviously it worked," Kachiko said satisfactorily.


Ah. Traumatic, that. Though it would seem that Kachi's getting one over everybody else each and every scene... which takes us back to point A, Author-Avatarishness with just a hint of incredible pain and suffering to 'mask' said Author-Avatarishness.

....And looked into two faces whose glare alone threatened to pull her into a
hellish abyss where her soul would be damned for an eternity.

"What?! What?!" Kachiko cringing back in fright.

A miasma of hatred clung to Ranma as he said is slow, dangerous tones, "You
mean to tell me that from hauling my butt halfway across a continent."

"To being kidnapped," Akane added.

"To nearly being frozen to death."

"To nearly being drowned."

"To nearly being boiled alive."

"To being shrunk to the size of a doll."

"WAS ALL YOUR FAULT?!!" the pair said as one.

"What are you two talking about?" Kachiko backed away, realizing neither was
in the mood to give her answer that didn't involve tremendous amounts of
violence, and prepared to retreat to somewhere, like Hokkaido.

She wasn't anywhere near fast enough as two irate martial artists fell upon
her.

This entire scene... can be interpreted in two ways (goodness, I'm in a very nitpicky mood today....). One is the usual point A... Kachi is the source of all the problems yet again, and she wins the day yet again, and she gets her butt kicked yet again... she's the practically the 'newRanma' (with apologies to C. Jones) of this story... meaning she has usurped Ranma's role as lead protagonist/punching bag/chaos magnet of the entire fic (the latter two 'skills' being part of the protagonist job description).

OTOH, what's happening to Kachi can be compared to Takahashi's use of Happossai (Ranma 1/2's designated plot device) with him being the source of Hinako's prowess... (in the same vein as, with anime canon, he was the catalyst for the plot of the 1st Ranma movie and several OAVs)... Kachi is footnoted as the catalyst, and promptly gets her butt kicked.

In either case... good work. But still, the overzealous referrencing of Kachi as the main focal point of... everything can get very... detracting for the story.

Well now... other than the recurring Kachi Author Avatar syndrome going on, I can see that this little piece has real direction. More on that on the next part of the c&c. Admittedly, ANC or no ANC, I see that this fic can be categorized as one of the more enjoyable Author Avatarish fics I've read... whether or not it was intentionally made into one or not. I dunno... in a normal r.5 manga story concerning a new character, whether an antagonist or otherwise, Ranma is still the focal point. This has become Kachi's story, for good or for ill, with all the other characters serving as the supporting characters (even Ranma). This may turn off other readers, I must admit... but I am c&cing this anyway, so by no means does 'being turned-off' is of my own opinion. I quite like this story... it just seems it's coming off as another story altogether, one which the author may or may not intend.

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