--- Tim Williams <ffml_tim@yahoo.com> wrote:

I've only skimmed this fic and don't have detailed comments. However,
I do have a couple general ones. For one, Keitarou will have to wake
up at some point and realize that not only is Motoko's dream now
wrecked, but his is as well. As I said I only skimmed the story but
he didn't seem to have reacted very strongly (at least not yet) to
losing his dream.

My only other point is in reference to Tsuruko's letter:
 

Though your debt to me has been discharged, I feel that I must ask
a
favor.  The family line of which I and Motoko are the last
descendants
will die out completely with your union, and the Shinmeiryuu may
well be
lost or fragmented beyond repair without the Aoyama family to lead
it.
I care for the Shinmeiryuu almost as much as my own sister, and
wish to
put forth the following offer so that both may flourish.

Tsuruko and Motoko are among the strongest fighters in the history of
the Shinmeiryuu, but they aren't by any means the only ones. Remember
Motoko's dream just before she saw her sister. The clan wouldn't
disappear without them, though it would certainly be diminished if
neither of their greatest fighters were teaching.

It is my wish that your family continue the Aoyama line.  Should
you
choose to learn the way of the Shinmeiryuu, I shall return to the
Hinatasou each year on the anniversary of your union.  If I am
defeated
by honorable means by the pair of you, then I will stand to certify
you
as a master of the school and allow the school to pass on to your
second-born child, provided he or she takes up the Aoyama name. 
Until
such a time as your child is able to take up the school, my sister
will
have to manage the dojo.

The Shinmeiryuu are an all-woman clan. They marry and have children,
but all the fighters are women. No matter how good he becomes,
Keitarou can't become a master in the clan because he's male. Not to
say that he couldn't learn some of their techniques, since the Hina
clan are fairly gifted themselves - even if Keitarou's parents only
run a bakery. ^_^;

>From what I've read, this isn't a bad story at all. If I were a
bigger fan of the "what if" genre (alas, I'm too much of a canon
freak) I'd have done a more careful read and could give you more
complete C&C.

Cheers,

Brian Welch

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