Again with the C&C...

********

Madoka, the Wise One of Cold Feet Hold, a stronghold of the
Animeigo tribe of the Aiel, looked down from the balcony and sighed. Her
sister-daughter, Shampoo, was playing 'Whack the Stone Dog' with Naru,
Mutsumi, and Motoko, using poor Keitaro as their victim again. How can he
be so patient with them, she asked herself. Not that patience is a bad
quality in a man, but putting up with this more than once was overdoing
it. Mutsumi wasn't too bad, as she was very gentle, but Shampoo, Naru,
and Motoko didn't seem to be holding back at all.

Yin:  Madoka as the leader of _these_ ladies is a good choice.
Yang:  True.  And yet again, another 'real world' ref, which is cute.
Yin:  And just like Ranma is a ladies man no matter where he is, Keitaro is 
still one unlucky bastard...

She tugged her skirt irritably and wished that the other Wise Ones
hadn't decided that guitar picks counted as weapons so she couldn't carry
them anymore. But that was dust in the wind and decades past, besides.
She had learned more subtle methods, though using subtlety on Shampoo was
a waste of water, so to speak.

"Shampoo." She spoke just loud enough that Shampoo could hear
without appearing to be shouting.

Shampoo didn't hear her. She whacked Keitaro in the head with her
bonbori while he was trying to dodge blows from the others. It was the
third Wednesday of the month and by the rules of his club, Keitaro
couldn't strike anyone without owing them a year of window washing, which
he really hated. Luckily, it wasn't also the third month of the year, in
which case he would also have owed them a lifetime supply of rice-a-roni
and a golden Shmoo if he struck any of them. The rules of Tic-tac-toe are
easily a snare for those unwilling to memorize all 5,235.34 of them.

Yin:  And some of those rules are damn strange, too.
Yang:  Like the one that say whoever wears purple at noon on the 
28 day of the fourth leap year has to eat nothing but cabbage for a week.

Madoka raised her voice slightly. "Shampoo."

Yusaku turned to chew out Shampoo, then Naru and Motoko whacked
him in the back of the knees, while Mutsumi tickled him. The rules of
their club required randomly tormenting Stone Dogs on this day of the
month, so that is what they were doing. Sure, most of the other Sisters
of the Mallet made sure they didn't encounter Stone Dogs they liked on
this day, but Shampoo, Naru, and Motoko tended to be rather sticklers for
rules, and Mutsumi always seemed to get dragged along with them. It
wasn't that they disliked Keitaro...well, Shampoo and Mutsumi didn't seem
to normally dislike Keitaro, anyway. They were simply following the
rules. This was the day you tormented Stone Dogs.

Yang:  Sisters of the Mallet?  Oh boy...
Yin:  You know, this explains alot about anime females...

-Snip-

"Aiya, why you take Shampoo away from her duty,
Great-Grand-Mother?"

Madoka only barely resisted the urge to whack Shampoo in the head.
"I am your sister-mother, not your Great-Grand-Mother!" Shampoo had
always called her that for reasons Madoka could not comprehend. "Anyway,
the time has come for you to become a Wise One."

Only Shampoo's iron-clad will kept her from screaming. That and
the fact that the last time she screamed, Madoka had used her patented
triple-slap on her. It was some sort of channeling trick, Shampoo was
certain. "Shampoo not want to become Wise One."

Yin:  Shampoo the Wise One... isn't that an oxymoron?

Hikaru fainted this time. Madoka sighed. I bet they'll faint
again when I tell them why. Feigning unconsciousness to avoid bad news
was perhaps the most annoying of the 3,245 Aiel customs listed in the
latest issue of 'Aiel Anthropology Today', which she really needed to read
when she found time. The Anthropologist Aardvarks got annoyed when you
didn't read their journal, and if they found out, under rule
2456-subsection B of Tic'Tac'Toe, they could require you to listen to a
reading of their latest paper, which was almost as much fun as being
suspended over an antbed while covered with honey. Madoka knew this by
experience, which despite its reputation is not the best teacher, at least
if you don't like pain.

*************************

"Mmm, that smells really good," Ukyou said, sniffing the air. Her
stomach growled.

"Beef, it's what's for dinner, I hope," Ryouga said, speeding up.

They came to the edge of a clearing and found a dark-haired girl,
about their age, busily cooking steaks over a large firepit, as a
half-dozen boars lounged about, waiting to be fed. Her yellow eyes
glinted in the firelight, looking a little eerie, though her smile was
wide and sincere. "Hello there!" she said, waving. "You two look to be a
long way from your home."

"Yeah, we're hideously lost, thanks to genius-boy here," Ukyou
said.

"Hey, I'm not the one who lost the map."

"I'm not the one who sent us to another continent!"

"Well, I'm not the one who blew a hole in the forest!" Ryouga
protested.

The woman waved her hands nervously. "I'm sure neither of you
meant to get lost."

Ukyou sighed and slumped to the ground. "We're trying to get to
Whitebridge."

"Well, you're on your way to Kandor, instead," the woman said.
"Oh, my name's Akari. What's yours?"

Yang:  YES!!  Akari's finally here!!  But... she isn't dressed in her warrior 
outfit.
Rats.
Yin:  Give it time.

"I'm Ukyou al'Vere, and this is Ryouga Ayabara," Ukyou said. "And
we've been lost for days and lost all our supplies and my grill and
everything." She sighed.

"Well, if you don't mind beef and noodles..." Akari began.

"BEEF AND NOODLES!" Ryouga proclaimed, then looked embarrassed.
"We'd be very grateful."

"Chamberlain, can you bring me the noodle bag?" she asked one of
the boars.

The boar got up and dragged the bag over to her. She began
getting out more noodles. "They told me to expect visitors, so I stocked
up," she said.

"Who did?" Ukyou asked.

"The boars," Akari said, patting the boar fondly on the head.
"They were a little wary of you," she said, looking at Ukyou, "But they
seem to like Ryouga."

"Are you Saldean?" Ryouga asked.

"I'm not insane enough to be Saldean," Akari said. "I just talk
to pigs, like in the elder times."

"Like in the elder times?" Ryouga asked.

"Thousands of years ago, before channeling was re-discovered, men
and pigs lived together in harmony, led by those who could talk to them.
Then dark times came, and the Dark One convinced men pigs made better
dinners than friends. It's all part of the evil cow conspiracy, you see."

Yin:  (As Akari)  But now the pigs are getting their revenge.
Yang:  (As Ryouga)  How?
Yin:  (As Akari)  All those mutilated cows that are attributed to UFOs 
and secret black helicopters?  It's our doing.  But keep it under your hat.

One of the boars nuzzled against Ryouga's leg like a cat.
Nervously, he petted it. "Good boy," he said weakly.

The boar purred, or tried to, anyway.

"Do you know the way to Whitebridge?" Ukyou asked.

"Yes, I do," Akari said. "I have some friends who are going that
way; I'm sure they can help you get there." She started fixing some more
food.

Yang:  (As Akari)  I also know the way to San Jose.
Yin:  No obscure song refs, please.

-Snip-

"Almost..." Ryouga paused. "Wait..."

He and Ukyou looked at each other. "Tinkers," they said in
unison.

"They're very nice," Akari said, smiling.

Yang:  Yeah, for people who think death is just another word for slacking off.

"If we start running now..." Ryouga began.

It was too late, as several men and women in labcoats emerged from
among the trees. "Akari! It's so good of you to come visit!" one of
them, a short woman with red spikey hair said. "And you brought us
experimental subjects!"

"Hi, Dr. Wasyuu!" Akari said. "This is Ryouga Ayabara and Ukyou
al'Vere. They got lost in the woods. Do you think you can help them get
to Whitebridge?"

Wasyuu clapped her hands gleefully. "We can test THE
MEGA-CATAPULT!"

"We were hoping to just ride along with you," Ryouga said.

"But that wouldn't be even HALF as exciting," Wasyuu said.

"Boredom is good," Ryouga said.

Ukyou nodded firmly.

"Fine," Wasyuu said. "I could use some help taking care of my
carnivorous plant collection."

Yang:  That's our Washuu!

"..."

Another one of the Tinkers, a blonde woman with glasses, said, "I
claim the girl. I need a pilot once I get Hawkwing's statue to come to
life."

"Oh, like THAT will happen in this lifetime," Wasyuu said
derisively. "It wasn't designed to be a giant warmachine, you know,
Ritsuko."

"It wouldn't be any fun if it was," Ritsuko said.

"So how's your boyfriend doing up north, anyway?" Wasyuu asked as
they now headed into the camp and Ryouga planned his escape.

The camp was a collection of roofed wagons, virtual miniature
houses and laboratories on wheels, all drawn up to form a delta around the
central campfire, where food preparation experiments were being conducted.

"We'd be a lot closer to completing the project if he hadn't
decided he was prophesied to be the Ronin and save the world," Ritsuko
said. "I told him Saldea was a lousy place to start, but you know him.
He just doesn't listen to reason."

"He can be like that," Akari said. "So what's for dinner
tonight?"

"Professor H. M. Wogglebug is mixing up a batch of his food
pills," Wasyuu said. "Hopefully, these won't turn people into food this
time."

Yin:  Don't tell me, let me guess: Wogglebug grew up eating plenty 
of Solent Green.

Ryouga prayed for Ukyou to explode again.

********

The Deus ex Machina was awash with clothing, clothing hanging from
every line, every pole, every single elevated part of the ship. This was
because Tylor had declared it to be laundry day. 

Yang:  And, of course, this was cause for another celebration.

Nanami had taken charge
of the laundry work, as she had experience in it. Yamamoto was pleased
with the results; for once the whites were white and the darks were dark
and the lights were light, instead of EVERYTHING somehow turning plaid.

Yang:  Personally, I prefer everything tie-dyed.  Brings back memories.
Yin:  Memories, and acid flashbacks.

"You did a very good job," Yamamoto said to her.

She smiled. "Thank you," then handed him a slip of paper.

"What is this?" he asked.

"The bill for my services."

"..."

"What, you expected me, a paying customer, to do all the ship's
laundry for FREE?" she asked.

"But this...This is twice what all four of you together paid to
ride with us!"

"And?" Nanami asked. "I gave you a ten percent discount because
you supplied all the cleansers yourself."

Yin:  You would think Yamamoto had never heard of 'good business sense'.

-Snip-

"It's very good," Dr. Wasyuu said grudgingly. "Much better than
the turnip butter was."

"I would have perfected that EVENTUALLY," Dr. Machinegal grumbled.

Ukyou tried some. "Wow, it is good. I thought everything here
blew up or poisoned you, but..."

"Well, we're still searching for the Bomb," Dr. Wasyuu said. "But
we haven't found it yet."

"The Bomb?" Ryouga asked, not sure if he wanted to know.

"The perfect explosive. Once we find that, our lives will be
complete. In the meantime, we advance the ways of science and travel
around the world, one step ahead of rioting mobs, who can't appreciate our
genius," Dr. Frankenstein said.

Yin:  Just because you can think of 709 ways to kill someone with an 
splinter, a hamster,
and a paperclip doesn't make you a genius.
Yang:  No, it makes you MacGuyver.

-Snip-

********

"Do you have anything to declare?" the customs officer asked
Tylor.

"It's a mighty fine later winter day," he said.

"As in, any goods you've brought into the country?"

"Yamamoto is always telling me I'm up to no good, so I'd have to
say no," he said.

"..."

"Anything else?"

"If you're not hauling goods, what is your business here?" the
official asked.

"We're dropping off some passengers and selling some peppers so we
can afford to pay them."

"So you are bringing goods into the country," the man said.

"No, we're selling them here in the city," Tylor said.

"..."

"So we can afford to pay our passengers."

"You're paying your passengers?"

"Yes, we worked it all out, and we owe them money."

"For sailing with you," the customs agent said.

"Yes." Tylor paused. "Do they count as imported goods? We're
not selling them."

The customs agent's eyes began to fuzz over. "You're going to
sell your passengers in order to pay them the money you owe them for the
peppers?"

"No, no, we're not selling the passengers, we're selling the
peppers."

"Who you owe money to."

"Let me try again," Tylor said.

"Just...go. Go away. Take your peppers and sell them to your
passengers or whatever."

"Well, I just..."

"Go! Go! Go!"

Tylor went.

"How much do we owe?" Yamamoto asked.

"He just asked me to go away," Tylor said, shrugging. He turned
to Nanami. "Ready to sell those peppers?"

She nodded. "Let's go!"

Yin:  (Rolling on the floor, laughing)
Yang:  (In his chair, trying to catch his breath)  This... is the... funniest 
part yet.

**********

"Are you ready?" Nanami asked Ranma-chan.

"Are you SURE I should be doing this?" she asked. She was pretty
sure that wearing a bunny costume was NOT a standard part of selling bulk
merchandise.

Yang:  It worked for Hugh Hefner.

"You're more stacked than I am," Nanami said. "If you've got it,
flaunt it and get paid for it, as they say. Besides, I'm wearing one
too."

Ranma-chan sighed. "Wisdom Hinako would kill me."

"I don't see Wisdom Hinako," Kurz said.

"If I see one drop of drool, you die, Kurz," Ranma-chan said.

"I'm certainly not drooling," he said. "And at least you get to
wear a partial top," he continued. "I'm having to go topless."

"Use what you've got," Nanami said. "Let's make some sales."

Basara tagged along, watching Nanami negotiate. The merchants
found it hard to concentrate on anything besides the unusually bare flesh
around them, and she closed several deals with a lot more success than he
would have expected. She has good instincts, he thought.

Yang:  Ah, yes, her instincts are _very_ good.  

-Snip-

**********

Ranma-chan found herself elegantly dressed in red and black, her
hair done up with ribbons and bows and jewels and golden chains, topped
with a tiara. She was at a grand ball of some kind, feeling a little
confused as to how she got there.

Soon, she spotted the punch bowl, and decided to get a drink and
try to find out where she was. The smiling server, a purple-haired woman
with dark skin, said, "You look wonderfully elegant today, Princess."

"Princess? When did I become a Princess?" Ranma-chan asked.

"Every woman is either a Princess or a Witch," the woman informed
her primly. "You don't want to be a Witch, do you?"

Yin:  (As Anthy)  Trust me, being a Witch is like being a voodoo doll:
you're going to get skewered either way.

"Well, no, not really," Ranma-chan said. "But I'm a guy."

The woman leaned across the table and poked her breast.

Yang:  What is it about Ranma's breasts that make any woman she 
meets poke them?  And on a side note: can I poke them?

"That's just from this curse thing. Give me some hot water, and
I'll show you."

The dark-skinned woman passed her a teakettle. Ranma-chan poured
it over her head. Nothing happened. "What? Dammit, it must not have
been hot enough."

"Now, now, only Witches curse," the woman said.

"I'm a guy! We swear!" Ranma-chan insisted.

"Oh dear, would you like a towel?" a man asked Ranma-chan.

"Yeah, please," Ranma-chan said.

The tall, dark-skinned man handed her a towel, which she used to
dry herself off as best she could. "Thanks. I'm Ranma, what's your
name?"

"I am Prince Dios, Princess Ranma."

"Hey, did you meet my friend Kurz?"

"Oh, you know Prince Kurz?"

"PRINCE Kurz?" Ranma-chan asked in disbelief.

"Yes," Prince Dios said. "Would you like to dance?"

"I can't dance with a guy."

"She thinks she is a man," the dark-skinned woman said.

It suddenly struck Ranma that they looked like siblings. "Hey,
you two related?"

"This is my sister, Princess Rose. I hope you two will be good
friends," Dios said, smiling benevolently. 

Yang:  (Darkly)  Yeah, right.  Like her and Saionji were 'good friends'.
Or like you and Touga, Dios.  Or, say... YOU AND HER?!!

"I know I am," Ranma-chan said. "Just get me hot enough water,
and I'll show you."

"Well, I suppose I could ask Rose to take you to the baths. We
have a hotspring."

"That would be great," Ranma-chan said. "Thanks."

They went to the baths, but no matter what they did, Ranma-chan
didn't change back. She sank into the hot water. "I don't understand."

"Perhaps you only dreamed of being a boy. I once dreamed I was a
wheel of cheese," Princess Rose said.

"..."

Yin:  How very sad: even the Power of the Rose Seal can't save you from 
senility.

"Worst of all, my pet mouse ate me. But no matter. Let's get you
dressed so you don't miss the whole ball."

"But...this is just a dream," Ranma-chan insisted.

"Who can tell what is real and what is dream? We can only go by
what is happening to us now, and it seems you are all woman here, whatever
may happen in your dreams," the Rose Princess said.

"Well, if I'm stuck, at least I can..." Ranma-chan began, then
she felt herself shake. "What the..."

And then she shook awake. Basara was standing over both her and
Nanami, and they could hear the undulating wail of the Fanboys. "SIEG
ZION!"

"Come on," Basara said. "The Fanboys have slipped into the town,
and we must flee,"

They ended up leaping out of a second story window into an
alleyway, then taking off through the streets, the distant shouts slowly
getting closer. "How are we going to get out of town? The gates are
closed at night," Kurz asked.

Basara ducked into an alleyway, and emerged dressed in a watch
commander's uniform, complete with mask. "I'll order the gates opened,"
he said.

"Wow," Kurz said.

"Where did you get a mask of the watch commander?" Nanami asked.

"I made it, just in case," Basara said.

Yin:  Basara - lover, fighter, homemaker.  The perfect man.

-Snip-

End Part Four

Yin:  A very good story, nicely written, with lots of intriguing questions 
and subplots.
I can't wait for the next chapter.
Yang:  Neither can I.  I want to find out what happens to Basara, and to see 
more of the 
Tinkers.  Great chapter.

Dave Fox



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