"Florencio de la Merced" <bravoexo_at_work@hotmail.com> wrote:

There are days, he thought.  Ranma squinted as he caught a glimpse of the 
morning sun breaking through the clouds over the horizon.  The first ray of 
warmth striking his face was refreshing, thawing the icy coating of spring 
frost of dawn that had covered him, in places where his makeshift bedsheet 

Since "that covered him in places..." is obviously meant to be read as a
single train of thought, I'd take out the comma.

could not.  In fact, he wasn't laying on a bed either, but on a cold 

lying

("laying" is when you do it to something else. You lie on the bed,
whereas you lay bricks, or eggs, etc.)

earthian spread of roofing tiles, which had worn him out with uneasy comfort 
throughout the night, made for a substitute.

Not sure what "made for a substitute" means in this context.

HINAKO: It's from my old days, back when I didn't have any students of
my own and taught for other teachers when they were sick.

"Ranma!"  A shrill, both a cry and of desperate anger suddenly fell on his 

Sentence structure is a bit awkward here. "A cry" is a noun and doesn't
really and-combine with "of desperate anger" which is a
modifying phrase.

numb ears.   He cracked the stiffness of his neck as he tried to bring 
himself up and awake, although his eyes where shut tight, he winced when he 
heard his name again.

Looks like there should be an "and" in there somewhere.

 Louder.

"Ranma, what in heaven's name are you doing here?!"  The voice came in 
louder, closer, rising from below those two stilts of a ladder had stunted 
themselves on an edge on the roof.

rising from below where those (?)

 "Did you sleep here, ALL NIGHT?!!"  

IMO, I would lay off the excess punctuation marks. ?! together are okay,
but two exclamation points don't really express anything that one
doesn't, and it looks amateurish. Also, save your ALL CAPS exclamations
for when you really, really need them.

She sat down with him.  The mallet turned out to be... "Here, darling. I 
bought up breakfast."  a large bento box, shaped like a huge hammer.  "We 

I'd move that line of dialog to before 'The mallet turned....' Putting
it right in the middle of a sentence is grammatically incorrect, and
awkward to boot, IMO.

have omelets.... courtesy of Kasumi.."  a finger pressed on her lips, paused 

Ellipses should be three dots, or four if you also include a period to
end the sentence. Also, try not to overuse them.

The sun broke free, the clouds of the fading night were easily scattered and 
pushed aside, bringing in the morning rise.

Run-on sentence.

"I love you Ranma."  Akane sighed.  "Do you remember...when?"

"I love you, Ranma."

Anytime a speaker identifies who is being spoken to, the identification
(in this case, "Ranma") needs to be set off by comma(s). "I wanna eat,
Akane!" is pretty normal for Ranma, but "I wanna eat Akane!" is grounds
for malleting.

RANMA: I *meant* to put a comma. [rubs bruises and winces]

AKANE: Suuuuuure, you did.

"Why is it that it's only in the early morning can we be all alone 
together?"  Akane smiled with a tought lingering around her face.

thought

Ranma, chuckled. "Well, it's a good thing you, me and Kasumi are the only 

Ranma chuckled.
(plain old subject-verb sentence; no comma needed.)

you, me, and Kasumi
(when listing more than two items, put a comma after each except the
last)

"Yeah," Akane braced up.  "I guess we'll never get rid of all the pest in 

"Yeah." Akane
("braced up" isn't telling you directly that she said the dialog; it's a
separate action, so it's punctuated as a separate sentence)

the pests in
(presumably there's more than one pest ^_^)

"Shut up!!"  "We're trying to get some more sleep!"   Came all the racket 

came all
(here "came" *is* directly telling you that the dialog was spoken, so
it's the same sentence)

I assume they're yelling at someone other than Ranma and Akane? If
they're trying to enjoy a peaceful moment alone together, I'd think
they'd try to make as little noise as possible. :)

Anyhow, despite all these nitpicks, for a short interlude I thought this
was pretty good. You managed to show a nice romantic moment while
keeping an underlying feeling of "life is tough," a nice change from a
lot of WAFFs that insist on making everything peaches and cream for our
heroes. Maybe it's me, but I can relate to something like this a good
deal more easily, considering that my life generally doesn't go to
either extreme. :)

Thanks to Darkhrse
But when I said I retired, i mean it. ^_^
To the people here, enjoy.

Good to hear from you again, and good luck with whatever lies ahead for
you.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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