Fairly good. I think that you could have used a bit more vagueness at
the beginning; try to give it a little more military/cyberpunk/etc
style so that when we find out it's just paintballs, we get a bit of a
surprise. Also, I'd limit the chronological shifts... Try starting
with the scene you have, then jumping back to when Rei gets the
tickets and run straight through to the end without any more jumping.


-- 
Jonathan Rosebaugh - Read my fics! 
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/jonathan/
------------------------------------------
The world is poor because her fortune is buried in the sky and all
her treasure maps are of the earth.
- Calvin Miller, The Singer Trilogy


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