Insertion Panic!
Chapter 1 - The Prime Directive for Dummies
There was, all at once, the sound of a mallet striking flesh, a
strangled cry of “RANMA, PREPARE TO BWEEEE!!!”, a hastily scrawled sign
thudding into a wall, and a loud POP!
The POP may need some explanation.
As for the rest, one can easily assume that Ranma said something to
upset Akane, Ryoga once again got splashed (completely ignored by Akane,
as once again she completely missed the “Ryoga=P-chan” clue train), one
of Genma's signs got knocked out of his hand, and another misadventure
was about to start. This is where the POP comes in.
For those who require a bit more explanation, a martial arts touring
competition company was rolling into town, and Akane wanted to
participate, boldly proclaiming that they needed to be shown how “real
martial arts is done!” Ranma, of course, said that the tomboy better
step aside to let a real martial artist (such as himself, natch) could
join. Akane replied that the competition flier said the competition was
for girls only. Ranma replied that then she REALLY shouldn't try out,
'cause “how could a tomboy like you know anything about being a girl?”,
and besides, he could still join, as he made a better girl and was
“Better built to boot!” This is when P-chan, incensed at Ranma's
treatment of Akane, hopped off her lap and headed strait (with a detour
through the kitchen, the dojo, a brief stopover in San Fransisco, Soun's
bedroom, and the front gate, in that order) for the furo, and changed
quickly back into Ryoga, made his way to the dining room (via Tailand,
the kitchen, some place in Africa, Akane's room, a temple to the
almighty Cthulu, and Nabiki's room) and made it as far as the back yard
when a misstep dropped him in the pond as he was issuing his challenge
to anyone who would listen, and specifically Ranma. Genma, who was “Mr.
Panda” at the time, held up a sign saying, [For the sake of the schools,
show your fiance more respect, boy!] Akane finally ran out of the short
fuse she did have and wholloped Ranma with “Mallet-sama,” sending him on
a collision course with his father into the wall.
And then, of course, there was the POP.
The POP was enough to cause the residents of the Tendo home to pause, as
it wasn't one of the usual sounds that resulted from a Ranma/Akane
“tough love” session. What made them focus on the apparent source of
the POP was the splash of water that came shortly thereafter. As one,
Akane, Ranma, “Mr. Panda,” Soun, and Kasumi all turned to look at the
Koi pond.
Surfacing was a gaijin. His hair was blond, he was wearing what
appeared to be very wet sweat cloths, no shoes or socks, and a pig. The
pig was on his head, as that was where P-chan landed after the stranger
splashed down. Sopping wet blond hair poked out from under the pig,
crowning a Scandinavian face. Said face also was very confused.
Instantly, Ranma was out by the pond. Helping the stranger out of the
water never even occurred to him. What did occur to him, as with just
about every other thought in his head, came out his mouth without a
filter. “Hey, are you another challenger?”
“Baka!” snapped Akane, who had followed Ranma outside, “Does it look
like he's here to challenge us...”
Unnoticed by the squabbling pair, the eyebrows of the stranger squeezed
together in consternation.
“Me.” interrupted Ranma.
Just as unnoticed, the wet man's eyes shot open in panic.
“What?!?” sputtered Akane.
Had the couple paid attention, the would have heard the gaijin muttering
about “tainted realities,” “self-inserts,” and “prime directive,” but,
again, they weren't. P-chan heard it all, but didn't really understand
what the man was saying.
“Well, he wouldn't be here to challenge _you_, would he?”
“What's that supposed to mean?!?” The informed observer would know that
whatever Ranma said next would likely buy him a trip to the canal
courtesy of Akane's mallet.
In fact, the informed observer /did/ know that, and that's when the
stranger spoke up, displaying his superior attention-dividing skills to
the arguing couple. This isn't saying much, as when Ranma and Akane
decide to argue with each other, Nerima could be attacked by skydiving
clowns and they wouldn't notice.
“It means that if I did present a challenge, which I assure both of you
that I am in no condition to challenge even Nabiki to a martial arts
match, he wouldn't want you to get hurt.” As he spoke the gaijin stood,
removing the piglet from his head and stretching his arm out to hand it
to Akane, who took the pig absentmindedly.
Akane, well, both of them, gawked at the newcomer, as he was still
standing in the middle of the pond, which was roughly one meter (about 3
feet) deep, yet he came to nearly eye level with them. What Akane was
even MORE aghast at was this total stranger was proposing that Ranma
actually /cared/ about her.
Ranma spluttered for a moment, then said, “Oh, uh, yeah? Well, what do
you know about it anyway?!?”
The stranger flipped up an eyebrow, then suddenly pointed over Ranma's
shoulder and said, “Look out! Shampoo!”
“YEARGH! WHERE? WHERE?” As soon as Ranma turned to look, the gaijin
man grabbed Ranma's shirt and yanked him into the pond. The girl spat
out some water and shouted “Hey! What'd you do that for?”
“To show that I know quite a bit, actually.” With that, he stepped out
of the pond. Akane's eyes bugged out even more as he rose to his full
height, easily over two meters tall. “Allow me to introduce myself. As
I would probably butcher the traditional Japanese bow, I'll simply use
my native form of greeting. Hi, I'm Chris.” He reached his hand out to
Akane.
Before he could blink, Ranma was between them. “You aint touchin'
Akane!” she said dangerously.
Quirking a slight grin, he left his hand out. “Martial arts etiquette
contest!” Instantly the red-headed girl snapped into a stance,
mirroring Chris'. “Grab your opponents hand!” Ranma complied, expecting
to have to throw the newcomer. “Pump up and down twice, then release!”
She did so. “Repeat after me; 'Nice to meet you.'”
“Nice to meet you!” she barked back.
“Nice to meet you, too.” a full smile broke out on Chris' face,
“Congratulations Ranma, you've just mastered the 'Western Handshake
Greeting Revised, US Army style'.” Ranma blinked owlishly at her hand
as the gaijin walked up to Kasumi. “Hello, my dear, could I trouble you
for use of your bathing facilities, a plastic bag, and, hopefully, a
change of cloths?”
“My, I don't know about the change of cloths. Let me show you to the
furo.”
As the two walked into the house, Chris telling Kasumi that, sorry, he
didn't know where his towel was, the remainder of the family looked at
each other.
“Well, Saotome, that was interesting.”
[Indeed it was, Tendo, indeed it was.]
Ranma continued to stare at her hand.
“Shall we return to our game?”
[Sounds good.]
The two fathers left to continue their cheating... I mean competitive
strategy.
Ranma was still staring at her hand, Akane watched her. After another
moment, the red-head burst out, “What kind of stupid special move is
THAT?”
That did it for Akane, as the shear lunacy of the situation finally hit
her. She broke down laughing, gasping out between guffaws, “It worked
on YOU, didn't it?”
---
“Here's my theory,” said Chris as he brought the teacup to his lips. He
had changed into one of Soun's old training gi, but even that was too
small to fit the strange foreigner. One of Ranma's tank tops stretched
painfully over the stranger's thankfully thin torso, and the stranger
occasionally complained of Ranma's boxers riding up. As it was, the gi
pants only went down to his knees, and the gi top had to be left untied,
as it didn't fit around the slight belly that the gaijin had developed.
Chris took a sip of the herbal tea (specifically requested, “Religious
reasons,” he explained.) and resumed his speech. “I come from a
universe where all this,” he waved his hand expansively, “Is fiction.”
Nabiki, who had arrived while Chris was in the washroom, raised her
eyebrows at that. “What do you mean, fiction?”
“Just that. All of this, Ranma, the Tendo's, Chinese Amazons, even you,
is all part of a cute little story.” He paused a moment to allow that
thought to settle in. “Now, this doesn't mean it's not real. I
wouldn't be able to exist here if it wasn't. What it does mean is that
I, and a whole planetful of other people, know a lot more about your
lives that you'd probably be comfortable with.”
“This is your theory?” said Nabiki.
“No, I'm getting to that.” he took another sip, “There is a phenomenon
about 'shared universes,' such as this one, that when it reaches a
certain level of popularity amongst the general populous, individuals
will begin to create original stories around the characters of that
universe. These are called fanfics, short for 'FAN FICtion.'”
“This fits nicely with a theory in quantum physics that postulates that
we live in, not a universe, but a multiverse.”
“Huh?” goggled Ranma, who had turned back into a guy.
Chris sighed heavily, “OK, imagine a tree. The tree is time. At the
base of the tree is the beginning of time. As choices are made or
events happen, the tree grows a new branch, which in turn splits off to
create new branches.” Chris looked around the table and observed that
the only people to comprehend what he was saying was Nabiki and,
amusingly, Kasumi. “Alright, we'll try this another way.” He picked up
his teacup, drained it, and tossed it over Ranma's right shoulder.
Ranma easily caught it. “Now, what happened?”
“I caught the cup.” said Ranma as he set the cup on the table.
“Let me break that down for you a bit. You, Ranma, saw the cup moving
through the air in a general trajectory over your right shoulder. In
that instant, you made several decisions, one of which was to catch the
cup. What would have happened if you had decided not to catch the cup?”
“It would have broke if I didn't. Duh!”
“The idea behind the multiverse is that you _didn't_ catch the cup, but
you caught the cup.” He held up his hand to forestall any
interruptions, “I'm not done. In that instant, you created a second
time line. In one time line, the one we're in now, you caught the cup.
In the second time line, you decided /not/ to catch the cup. It's not
even as simple as that, really.” He took a deep breath, “You could have
caught the cup with your left hand, you could have missed, you could
have decided to throw it back, you could have decided to refill it, you
might have handed it to Akane, it might have tipped off your fingers and
broke anyway. Each of these “what ifs” creates another time line. This
brings me back to the tree. The base of the tree is the instant you saw
the cup flying through the air to you. All the decisions you could have
made are the branches.” He looked around the table again, noting that
several more people were understanding what he was saying, including
Genma, to his amazement.
Ranma still seemed oblivious. Chris focused on the part time girl.
“Think of it like this. The multiverse is like a house with a bunch of
rooms. Got that so far?”
“Uh, yeah...”
“OK, now lets say that each room is going to be a bedroom. What goes in
a bedroom?”
“Uhm, a bed?”
“Right, so we are going to put a bed in each room. All the rooms need a
bed. What kind of bed?”
“Well, a futon is good.”
Chris gave a sort of half-smile, “You're not married and Japanese, so
I'll give you that. What about the second bedroom?”
Feeling a little more confident, Ranma immediately answered, “A futon.”
“OK, let's say the futons are exactly the same, and they came from the
same store. The same person isn't going to sleep on the two different
futons. Let's say you sleep in one room on one futon, and your father
sleeps in the other room on the other futon. Let's make this even
easier and say you both sleep every night in your cursed forms. Can we
agree that a huge panda is going to be heavier than a girl?” At Ranma's
nod, he continued, “Let's say you sleep in the same futons for a year.
At the end of the year, if you compared the two futons, which one would
be more worn out?”
Ranma smirked, “That one's easy, Pop's! Heck, he'd wear it out without
a curse!”
Genma attempted to whack Ranma over the head with a sign that said,
[Show some respect, boy!] Ranma dodged it, grabbed the sign from the
panda's paw, and whacked his father with it. “When you earn it, you'll
get it, Pops!”
Chris cleared his throat, “Yes. As I was saying, both futons started
out exactly the same, coming from the same place, but because they were
in different rooms and had different stuff happen to them, they came out
differently.”
He paused for a moment. Ranma mulled that over in his head, then,
tentatively, said, “So, we're like the mattresses?”
“Exactly! Congratulations Ranma, you just grasped an aspect of quantum
physics.”
Nabiki looked like she was going to freeze him on the spot with her
gaze, “I'm still waiting,” as she spoke the room temperature dropped a
few degrees, “For your theory.”
“Ah, yes. Getting back to the stories. There's an unattributed theory
in my universe that all the fiction, all the /viable/ fiction anyway, is
actually the author tapping into the events of another part of the
multiverse with their minds. Some people even theorize that events in
these realities can be influenced by the author as they write their
stories.” Chris reached across the table and grabbed the teacup he had
thrown, added some more water and a fresh teabag and let it sit. “For
the sake of this discussion, lets call these universes that get tapped
by professional writers that wind up as shared universes 'Prime'
universes.”
Taking a breath, he scooped the teabag out of the tea and reached for
the sugar he had requested and began shoveling a liberal amount into his
tea. “This will probably give Ranma a big head, but the Prime universe
for this particular section of the multiverse revolves around, er...
Ranma.”
The results of this declaration were predictable. Ranma turned to Akane
and said “HA! And you said I was stuck up!” Nabiki looked like she
could curl up and die, Genma seemed torn between pride in his son and
disappointment that the universe didn't revolve around him. Kasumi
smiled and said, “Oh, how nice for you Ranma!” Akane, meanwhile, was
whipping out Mallet-sama, “Watch it Ranma,” she growled, “Or that head
of yours won't fit through the door!” She did her part to make it fit
through, at least vertically, with repeated blows to the top of Ranma's
head.
“Hmm, yes,” remarked Chris, “THE POINT is that the Ranmaverse is one of
the most tapped areas of the multiverse for creative fiction. It's part
of an even larger continuum called the Takihashiverse, named after the
woman who wrote the original story about Ranma called Ranma one-half.”
“Referring,” Nabiki broke in, “To the fact that Ranma changes from boy
to girl?”
“Exactly. The story became so popular that /loads/ of amateur writers
began tapping into the Ranmaverse creating fanfics. You wouldn't
/believe/ what kind of fan following the lot of you have.” Chris began
sipping on his tea as he continued. “In fact, Ranma one-half has,
perhaps, the second largest fan base in the entire world. Funny thing
is, it's not acknowledged like the others are because of the nature of
Ranma's curse. Heck, my own wife doesn't like that the whole thing is
about a guy that turns into a girl.”
He smiled, “In fact, don't get your head /too/ big, Ranma, some of your
popularity is due to the fact that you look HOT in a two piece!” Once
again Akane burst out in laughter, while P-chan made some piggy noises
that resembled laughter. Ranma turned absolutely white while Genma
started looking about frantically about for any sign of a katana.
Nabiki grinned, thinking, /So, there _is_ justice in the uni...
multiverse!/
“Now,” said Chris, drawing the attention back to himself, “There is a
sub-genre of fanfiction called the 'self-insert' fanfic. These are
considered to be the absolute /worst/ fanfics ever written, but they are
usually the very first fanfics a fledgling writer writes. As a result,
there are literally thousands, if not hundreds of thousands or even
millions of self-insert fanfics.”
Nabiki leaned forward. “Wait, then that means...”
“Yes, but let me finish.” Chris /knew/ Nabiki would figure it out
quickly. “I'm subscribed to the Fan Fiction Mailing List, or FFML. One
of the authors wrote a piece that had shades of self-insert, and I
pointed it out. He objected, strenuously, so I decided, in a fit of
pique, to write a SI fic just to show him how it's done.” He chuckled,
“I think I got just a bit carried away.”
Their was a pregnant pause at this statement, “Wait,” said Akane, “You
mean you WROTE yourself here?”
Chris took another sip of his tea. “From a girl who's engaged to
someone who transforms with a splash of water, you sound skeptical.” He
set his cup down. “Frankly, I was joking. I don't know precisely
/what/ caused me to show up here, so I'm just as much in the dark as you
all are.”
“So, when do you go back?” asked Nabiki.
/Trust her to think of that,/ thought Chris, /I would, after all, wind
up staying here if I did stay./ “I gave that some thought. Here's my
thought, there are two basic types of SI fanfic; the type that solve all
the problems of a given continuum, and the kind that are just humorous
one-shots. As I have no intention of even attempting to solve the
problems inherent to this continuum, which I wouldn't wish on my worst
enemy, I'm hoping this is just a humorous one-shot that's badly
written. I should be shuttled home soon.”
“How soon is 'soon'?” asked Akane.
“Probably after roughly two hours worth of writable material occurs,
which around here should develop pretty quickly. For instance, this
conversation and my arrival should have made roughly 45 minutes of
material, but the time I spent in the bath wouldn't count toward that,
even though I've been here for a little over an hour if you include that
time.”
“What counts as 'writable material?'” asked Nabiki.
“Oh, romantic scenes, slapstick, action, any pivotal plot point, stuff
like that. Oh, and the more stuff happens to me, the better.” With
sudden realization, Chris slapped his hands over his mouth.
/Shouldnasaidthat... Shouldnasaidthat... Shouldnasaidthat...
Shouldnasaidthat... Shouldnasaidthat.../ the thought ran through his
head repeatedly.
For the first time in history, Ranma and Nabiki looked at each other
thinking the exact same thing. Ranma grinned his big, cocky grin and
turned to look Chris square in the eye, “So, do any martial arts?”
Chris whimpered.
---
Chris was laid out on the floor, several bruises marking where Ranma
decided to “test the toughness of his skin.” His one consolation was
that Ranma, in girl form, was laid out next to him with a rather large
lump on his head.
“If you'd stopped hitting me long enough to listen, I could have told
you that mindless violence in a Ranma fic doesn't count as writable
material!”
“Well, how was I supposed to know? Besides, you had the Tomboy on your
side, it was two on one, a fair fight!”
Akane reared up like the devil... or rather how the devil only /WISHED/
he could rear up, mallet raised to the ready. “Gee Ranma, you don't
seem to be doing so well, I think you need MALLET THERAPY!” Another
lump joined the one already there, sending Ranma into slumberland.
Shortly thereafter, Nabiki wandered in. “I hate to tell you, but two
hours is just about up.”
“What?” said Chris in disbelief.
“Yep. Looks like this is a 'solve everything' situation.” Frankly, she
was a little disappointed. The “problems of this continuum,” as Chris
put it, were her primary source of income.
“Can't be, I wouldn't do that in a million years!”
“Why is that?”
“Do you watch Star Trek?”
“The import? Never watched it, myself, but Akane used to.”
“There's a law in the Star Trek universe which says that you can't
interfere in a group or culture that doesn't have the same level of
technological development as your own group or culture. It's called the
Prime Directive. I have my own Prime Directive, and that is NEVER MESS
WITH A UNIVERSE YOU'VE BEEN DROPPED IN!!!” This last he shouted at the
ceiling, in hopes that whatever power dropped him here would hear and
understand.
“Why's that?” asked Nabiki calmly. After over a year of listening to
Ryoga shout aimlessly, she could easily ignore Chris' ranting.
Chris eyed her critically. “Do you know what kind of /damage/ I could
do if I started messing with this universe? Heck, I may have caused
irreparable damage just by being here. Think about it,” he got a
disgusted face, “How would you like to be paired up with Kuno?”
A look of shock passed over her face. “What? Why would I be paired up
with Kuno just by you being here?”
“It's not my presence that would do it. If I started to interfere with
things, all of a sudden strange things would happen like Akane and Ranma
admitting they love each other, or you and (ick!) Kuno would get
married! Every SI fic winds up doing something like that, even if it
would be totally out of character for those people to do... whatever it
is that the author of the SI fic wants them to do.”
“How do you mean? You can't just tell me what to do...”
“That's just it, in a 'problem-solver' SI fic, I _can_ tell you what to
do, and you'd do it, because you wouldn't have any choice! Remember
what I told you about authors having some influence over what happens in
their tapped universe?” At her nod, he continued, “There are authors
who abuse that ability terribly. It's a given that just about everybody
who starts writing fiction is dissatisfied with life, but SI people are
dissatisfied with /fiction/ as well! They have these ideas about how
things should be, and so they set up these timelines where people act
just like the authors think they should. Heck, if this were an SI fic,
I could make Ranma spontaneously decide to marry Ryoga, and she'd do it
without looking back.”
That comment penetrated Ranma's state of unconsciousness. The part-time
boy jolted upright screaming, “W-W-WHAT?!?!”
Chris smirked, “You think /that's/ bad? I could pair *you* up with
Kuno.”
Ranma turned green, “I think I'm gonna be sick...”
“Try this one... I could pair you up with Kuno /as a guy./”
Ranma slapped a hand over her mouth, “Fcuse me!” she said around her
hand and bolted to the toilet.
“Heh, I haven't seem him /that/ green in a long time, last time Akane
tried to cook, in fact.” Nabiki said as she turned to her visitor. He
wasn't sharing in the mirth. In fact, he looked downright upset.
“Anything you want to share?”
“That was a test. Ranma should still be knocked out cold.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I wanted to see if I had any control over this universe. Ranma
was my test subject. Just focusing on making her wake up and be ill
made her do just that. I could have said 'Kumquats are tasty,' and she
would have /still/ tossed her cookies.”
Nabiki mulled this over, “So,” she said after a moment, “You're stuck
here?”
“Yep,” sighed Chris, “At least until everyone's different problems are
solved.” He collapsed back with an even heavier sigh. “Oh,
fuddy-duddy!”
***
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 doesn't belong to me. Frankly, I wouldn't /want/
to own it, what with all sorts of hentai perverts makin' Ranma do nasty
stuff in girl form. That's like watching a porno and seeing one of your
full grown children on screen!
Datclaimer: I never visited the Ranmaverse, this is purely an
experimental conjecture to see what I can do with the concept.
De-other-claimer: No, I don't like SI fics, but I thought it'd be funny
to write one, seeing as I hate 'em. It's irony, laugh!