You wrote:

Shayla stood at the controls of a small hovercraft, somewhere out
over the ocean.  She didn't know where she was, or what direction
she was facing.  It was still morning, but it was black as night.
Her forward visibility was zero.

Her hair and clothing were soaked with sea water, but they still
blew back, in a torrential wind.

I'd combine that with the paragraph above it.

And this scene does seem to come out of nowhere. Might want to set it up a
little.

She was relieved that he was still in the craft, but she scowled
as she turned back.  Damn it, she thought.  Maybe you won't be
washed overboard-- but if this craft goes down, you'll go down
with it.  I wish you'd brought Ura with you on this trip...

Why? Can Ura double for a scuba tank as well as armor? :)

The scowl left her face, and she gasped in sheer panic.  Oh no,
she thought.  Makoto's gone.  He's washed overboard.  Oh no.

The next wave caught Shayla unawares.  She was washed overboard
after him.

Well, that should balance things out anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Shayla's life had never flashed before her eyes.

As a great priestess of fire,

is there more than one? Unless so, might want to capitalize it as her title.

 she had faced death so many times.

But she always seemed to think of only a short time, when she
faced death, before she was lost to the darkness.

She had reckoned, during occasional bouts of drunken self-pity,
that she was too slow-witted to remember her entire life, like
she was supposed to do, in times like these.

And this time

Overuse of 'time' thoughout those paragraphs. I'd reword some of them.

You're asking me to travel alone with him, she had said.  It'll
take several days.  And several nights.  Alone with him.  And
you know how I feel.  Damn it, you know how I feel about him.

We know, Shayla, they had said.  We know.  But we trust you.

Of course, she doesn't trust herself. :)

Damn it!  Is Ifurita doing this to him?  Even though she's gone?
And even though... I'm here...

Damn it, Shayla had thought.  What a waste.

As it turned out, she needn't have worried about being alone with
him.  He hadn't said fifty words to her, the whole trip.

don't think you need that comma.

 He had

fallen out of the habit of making eye contact with other people,
let alone speaking with them.

At least she had managed to stuff some food, and some wine, into
him.  He was in a little better shape now, physically, at least.

But after they had reached the island, she had waited for Makoto,
by the craft.  She had waited on him, while the locals took him
to the ruins on the island.

Since it's an island, we know they are on it. Delete after 'ruins.'

And when he had come back from the

ruins on the island,

Ditto here, except axe more. end at 'come back,' and pick up with 'she'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Shayla opened her eyes and looked up.  She saw trees.

She saw a brilliant clear blue sky.  She saw the sun, still high
above the deep green sea.

Making these single sentences isn't working for me here. I'd make it more
standardized and put them in a paragraph.

She looked down along his body, and saw his bare feet.  He had
lost his shoes in the ocean.  His right ankle was swollen, and
most of his right foot was a strange blue color.

He's becoming a Phantom Tribesman. Oh, the horror. ^_^

Shayla had helped Makoto to drag

drop 'to'

Then she had gone to the remains of the hovercraft, to salvage
what she could.

Might want to list some of what she salvaged here.

Damn it, she had thought.  Why did this have to happen to me?
Why did it have to happen on my watch?  Afura could have flown
away, and Kauru could have coasted across the ocean.  Either one
of 'em could have gone on for two or three days, sleeping in the
ocean at night, floating with a life-saver from the hovercraft.
They'd probably be able to reach the mainland.

True. But then the title of 'Marooned' wouldn't have been applicable.

I'm the great priestess of fire,

Recommend capitalizing again.

trained for battle and in peak

physical condition-- and a scrawny basket case with a painfully

drop 'painfully.' Needless.

"We've got a few days' rations here, from the hovercraft.  We've
got some coconuts.  And between us, we might be able to identify
and harvest some edible roots and leaves.  And maybe I can catch
us some fish.

"But, even at best...  We're gonna starve within a month.

"Roshtaria won't know we're in trouble for at least a few days.
They might not start looking for us for a week or two.  And who
knows how long it'll take 'em to find us...

again need to lump this altogether.

She mumbled to herself, even as she walked away from Makoto.
"I'm no damn good for anything else, but at least I can start a
damn fire..."

True. There's always that. :)

Shayla whooped, and held up her spear.  She had snagged something
that didn't actually look edible, at first glance.

Go without food a few more days and it's ediblity will increase
tremendously.

"I wasn't talking about the fish, you know," Shayla said.

Makoto didn't answer.  Yeah, I know, he thought.  Neither was I.

Heh. He's changing his tune rather quickly.

"Makoto.  *Please*.  Don't leave me to think about doing that.
If you refuse me now, I don't know if I can keep myself from--"

Heh. Usually it's the guy that's this desperate. :)

Oh, *no*, Shayla thought.  Not *now*!  Damn it, not NOW!!

Nah. It's best in the long run. They'll look back on it and laugh.

Makoto hobbled towards Shayla.  "Thank God!  And thank God you
saw them!  If you hadn't shot that flare, they might have..."

He trailed off, as he came to her, and saw that she was crying.

She grinned at him, and spoke between sobs.

"Just in time *sob*  Huh? *sob*  You're safe now *sob*

"I'm sorry *sob* Makoto *sob*  I wish *sob* I'd done *sob*
better *sob*

Too much sobbing. Just mention she's crying and have her hitch her words
maybe.

Makoto smiled.  "No, no, Kauru.  Don't worry.  And thank you.
You came just in time."

True. it's easy to do anything when you don't have to live with the
consequences (for long) but if you do...

Nice work. Effective and enjoyable. Nice little drama that played out
between the two. Only recommendation is making a lot of the single sentences
into paragraphs.

DB Sommer

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