Meant to mention somethings, Bjorn:

"Of course," he flippantly replied. "Let's see what I can teach you."

*cue porn music*

I still shudder at the idea of Kintaro being introduced into a 'Boogie
Nights' environment. :)

The two fighters passed one another and reassumed their stances, each
facing away from the other.

The first paragraph makes it sound like the two had already
passed each other, and then they pass each other again in
the third one.  Either that, or what you wanted in the first
paragraph was to show that they were at first going for a
block or something and then shifted their swords to cut
through at the other person.  If that was the case, then
your "flying onwards" is attaching to the wrong referent,
and it needs more description.

Oh, and another nitpicky detail:  there's no real point resuming
a stance if you're facing away from your opponent.  If you
have the time to do that, you have the time to turn around,
too, which is probably a lot more useful, all things told.

That scene is classic fighting anime type, though. Unrealistic? Perhaps, but
it fits the genre.

"I ain't dead," Ranma pronounced, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and
sitting up, eyeing Suu suspiciously. She merely offered him an innocent
smile. Shaking his head, he turned back to Motoko. "I think I'm gettin'
the idea here, though," he said slowly, wincing as Suu prodded his side.

To me, "pronounced" implies a formal announcement.  Is that
how Ranma's actually talking?

Agree. I think Brian needs to use more simple 'said's. They actually blend
in well with good dialogue and go almost unnoticed.

Ranma bristled for a moment, and Suu's hair stood on end, as though she
had picked up a tremendous static charge. The girl looked at Ranma in
surprise, but he calmed, and her hair settled. "That's not the point.
The point is I'm supposed to help train you. I bet you could probably
beat anyone if you and the other person were using the same weapons."

Even Seta, or Tsuroko?

Don't think he's seen Seta with a weapon yet. You're rought about Tsuroko,
though.

Sighing, Keitaro nodded, taking the cloth strap and putting it over his
shoulder. "I get the feeling I should start praying now," he muttered,
shaking his head.

Why a strap that goes over his shoulder?  A sheathed katana
is just stuck through a belt.

Too many sword and sorcery movies with those type of sheaths. :)

Why is Ranma being so pushy about this, anyways?  His major
focus is on teaching Motoko, Keitaro has already
volunteered to train up to be another sparring partner, and
Ranma plans to leave within three months anyways, which
isn't all that much time to train someone.  Why is he so
intent on pressing Naru to train?

Seeing wasted potential might rub him wrong, or it's her smugness when she
in fact doesn't know a lot. Could be a lot of motives, and I don't see a
need to elaborate on it myself. *shrug*

That last sentence suffers from too many punctuation
transitions.  I'd suggest:  "Suu was difficult to teach,
seeming to shift whatever he tried to show her into a form
similar to Savate.  She was very good at it, however -- a
lot better than he'd expected...."

By the way, presuming he started trying to teach her Tai Chi
(which the comment about not teaching multiple arts
suggest)... if you're doing it in a Savate-like way, there's
no way it can be called Tai Chi.  (Arguably, that's true of
just about every art.)  I'd suggest, "Suu was difficult to
teach, seeming to insist on doing something like Savate no
matter what he tried to show her."

Well, maybe, but Ranma might have a more liberal way at looking at martial
arts since Anything Goes is openly an amalgamation of so many techniques. To
him it might be her own 'style' of Tai Chi. Technically it might not be, but
Ranma's upbringing might give him the unusual perspecgtive.

Naru bit her lip. "Um... not... exactly," she said weakly. "The formula
you gave me is a trick... pretty much any numbers you put in will always
work out to just under two and a half weeks."

Ranma slumped, staring at the ground. "But... what reason would Taiso
have to lie?" he asked nervously. "And if that was wrong...." His eyes
widened in horror. "I blew the math questions, didn't I?"

This is part of where this joke falls apart from me.  So
Ranma was given a wrong formula for calculating how long
work will take.  This wouldn't affect, say, his ability to
do trignometry, or algebra, or calculus, or, in fact,
anything *other* than estimating how long work would tak.
Why is it messing up everything else?

It is a bit weak in structure, but I'd be willing to overlook it since it is
dealt with right away. (meaning now)

"Perhaps I gave my respect to you too soon, Oe," Motoko murmured.
"You've fallen in with thieves and scoundrels."

Or, you know, an ordinary average construction company.

"Hot water?" Shinobu managed, her only contribution to the conversation
so far. "Wait, insurance fraud? Auuugh! Sempai, are you going to call
the police?"

You know, I could be wrong, but this isn't insurance fraud.
Insurance fraud is filing for a claim which isn't valid --
saying, for example, that you had a stamp collection worth
millions of dollars that was stolen, or setting fire to your
own house and calling it an accident.  Taiso and Co. aren't
doing anything illegal, such as shirking on materials, or
doing extra work without approval -- they're just taking
their own sweet time getting the job done, which is the time
honoured priviledge of men getting paid on an hourly basis
who aren't being properly supervised.

An Insurance company probably could prove otherwise if they're deliberatly
not working (as the day they took off when Ranma did the water system). It
would be hard to prove, but it could be messy and give the construction
company a bad rep. Or if they knowingly gave a false estimate, as in what
the boss did with Ranma about the time.

I can understand why Ranma is getting so upset about this,
because Taiso did lie to him.  Everyone else's reaction
seems a bit... extreme to me.

Well, the construction is inconvienceing them. Realizing the crew is lying
about working hard would rub them wrong.

But, he realized as he tossed his clothes into a hamper and strolled
into the bathing area itself, how would he explain that he knew? He only
knew now because Ranma and Naru had figured it out -- from the
information he was supposed to know, everything was slowed due to
legitimate holdups. "Seta-san was right," he grumbled. "There is
intrigue involved."

Okay.  Again, I don't understand why such a big deal is
being made out of this.  Keitaro is entirely within his
rights to complain about how long things are taking, and to
insist they work faster.  After all, he knows that they left
early after the water heater was installed for no good
reason, which ought to be more than justification enough;
and waiting for equipment is never justified, since it
should have been booked in advance.  And if Ranma and Naru
had figured out, why couldn't he have?

Given the LH lot, overdramatization is a must for them. I'd say it's just a
case of that. :)

His last vision was of the manager's final attack, and then everything
began to grow dim, the manager's form laughing darkly as he incinerated
Ranma's body with a stray bolt of ki. A deep voice announced, "NIFTY
combo!" and Ranma fell out of his seat.

"I hate video games," he grumbled, handing his controller to Suu.

This was kind of obvious, mostly because the initial
dialogue was so blatantly not Ranma and Keitaro.  It's a
good joke, but it fell a bit flat.

Keitaro nodded, his brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to win
against Suu, who wasn't actually pressing buttons -- she was gnawing on
the controller, though her strategy was granting her a clear victory. He
watched for a moment longer, until he spied Naru walking down the
hallway, wearing her glasses and frowning at a study guide.

Nice touch with Suu.

Agree. The gnawing bit I think makes the joke work. Otherwise it would have
been flat.


And those were my rebuttles to another's work.:)

DB Sommer



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