Papa 51 <papa_51_productions@yahoo.com> wrote:

A few of you may remember me under another handle.  I
was subscribed a few years back to the FFML as
Bigbore.  If you remember me, great!  If you don't
well, I guess that means it's a chance for a fresh
start with new fics!  (BTW, my sig contains a link to
my homepage with my old fics on it).

Righto. As a veteran FFMLer, you probably don't need to be told any of
this, but just for pro forma's sake: the C&C below represents no more
than one reader's opinion. If you end up deciding you agree with it,
great; if not, that's okay too. A thoughtful reply to C&C that you get
will make it more likely that you'll get it in the future, and doing
some C&C yourself for someone else will be even more helpful in this
regard.

First suggestion: put most or all of these notes at the end of the fic.
Readers are an impatient lot, and generally like to get to the story as
quickly as possible. Pre-story notes, IMO, should be limited to
information that readers might need when deciding whether to read the
story or not. If your story will make no sense to anyone who hasn't read
your previous ten-chapter series, that would be something to put in the
introduction notes. :)

	"Well, if Ryouga thinks he's gonna trick Akane into
going out on a 'date' with him, he's got another think
coming!"  Ranma fumed as he busily went through
Akane's closet for some suitable clothing.  "Stupid
tomboy should know better than agree to an idea of
Ucchan's  when Ryouga is involved!"
	After finding a suitably long, feminine dress, Ranma
returned to  his own room.  Lifting a glass of water,
he grimaced and poured it  over his head.  In place of

You've got extra spaces between words (i.e. two spaces rather than one)
in a bunch of places here.

the muscular, raven haired teen aged boy  was a
petite, yet voluptuous red haired girl of about the

When you make a two-or-more-word phrase into an adjective, as with
black-haired, it should be hyphenated.

	Grimacing again, Ranma put on the wig and carried the
make up  case to the door.  Sticking her head out the
door, she snuck down the  hallway to Akane's room
again.  Reaching in she grabbed Akane's spare  purse

Missing a period at the end there.

	It took twenty minutes of screw ups and primping, but
finally  Ranma managed to get the make-up on close to
right.  The results were  spectacular.   In the place
of the red haired Chinese girl was a sexy  looking
brunette that bore only a passing resemblance.  Ranma
admired the finished product.  "Perfect, Ryouga won't
recognize me when I  pounce on him and pretend to be a
long lost fiancee!  If that  doesn't send Akane home,
I don't know what will!"  Whistling happily,  Ranma
walked out of the dojo for his 'appointment' with
Akane and  Ryouga at Ucchan's.

Apart from the (ugh) anime hair color, and some unsurprising character
extrapolation, this scene is straight out of canon. Do you really need
to include it? It's generally better to get to what *your* fic is about
as quickly as possible. I understand the need to set your fic within
continuity, but it seems to me that a few well-chosen lines of dialog
could accomplish that *while* the plot of your fic is starting.

	Shoki McLaren was again marveling at how cramped the
Nerima  district of Tokyo seemed to him. Growing up
mostly in the highlands of Scotland, he was used to
more wide open spaces.  He was an average   young man
of 20, with black hair, blue eyes and a deceptively
muscular build.   Dressed in blue jeans,  long sleeve
shirt and Aussie Bush hat, he looked like a mildly

Unless you're referring to George W., "Bush" probably shouldn't be
capitalized.

eccentric businessman on holiday. Hearing the scream

First of all, write out numerals unless they're exceptionally large.
"Twenty" scans better than "20."

Secondly, be advised that there's no need to describe your character
until a point-of-view character is paying attention to his looks.

Thirdly, remember that when it comes to descriptions, it's quality that
matters, not quantity. The goal is not that the reader should be able to
pick your character out of a line-up. The goal is to make your character
stand out in the readers' minds. A few well-chosen, interesting details
serves much better than a police blotter.

	"No way Ranma!  Your not going to get away with it

"No way, Ranma!  You're

(When a speaker identifies who is being spoken to, as with "Ranma"
above, the identification must be set off by a comma. Otherwise you
completely change the meaning of your sentence. Also, "your" refers to
something belonging to you. "You're" is short for "you are.")

this time!"
	Suddenly, a young women jumped from the top of a

woman
(women is the plural)

nearby roof,  without even bothering to look down. 
Several yellow and black  objects went whirling past
her like angry bumblebees on speed.  Her long dress 

Ryoga's multiple-bandanna thing only worked during his first battle with
Ranma, and he never used it again.

realized that the  she was on a collision course with
him.  With out thinking he reached out and caught her

Without (one word)

just before she hit the ground.
	"Huh?"  Ranma said intelligently as she found herself
looking into a pair of shockingly blue eyes, and held
by a pair of strong  arms.
	"Hello, may I be of service to you ma'am?"  His

you, ma'am?"
(see above)

accent was strange, but not unpleasant.  Perhaps
someone raised in another country?  (1) Trying to

Arrrrg. DON'T put footnotes in a prose story. Flipping back and forth to
the end breaks the flow of reading.

	"Oh, please mister, save me from that terrible man!" 

please, mister,

Ranma  used her most girlie voice and blinked her
eyelashes fiercely.  He hated to do that, but
sometimes it was just easier than the alternative. 

I can see Ranma doing this to Kuno or someone like that, but to an
unknown? For all he knows, this guy could be as competent as Gosunkugi,
and Ryoga could end up killing him.

Besides, surely Ryouga wouldn�t hit someone he didn�t
know, right?

RANMA: And he'd certainly never accidently cut Akane's hair. Yeah. Never
in a million years.

	"Okay,"  was all the stranger said as he gently slung
Ranma to the  ground and out of the way.  He took a
moment to carefully gauge the falling man�s speed and
angle then reached  out,  grasped Ryouga's wrist with
a thumb and forefinger, redirecting his path. 
Ryouga's face met the ground at a high rate of speed
and the  pavement cracked under the impact. (2)

RYOGA: He just kicked my butt in the first scene. That means...

RANMA: He's a self-insert!

RYOGA: AAAAAA!

RANMA: Keep away from me, mister! I'M A GUY! It's Nabiki you want!

	"Well, my name is Ra-"
	"His  name is Mud!"  Screamed another female voice. 

screamed
(no caps, since it's part of the same sentence)

	"Geez, Akane, you don't even know who he is and you
clobber him!"  Ranma-chan taunted.

AKANE: He's a self-insert. You said so.

RANMA: Oh yeah. In that case, he had it coming.

	"Well, It's your fault for hiding behind a complete
stranger!"  She looked down at the fallen man.  Biting
her lip worriedly she said "do you think I hurt him

said, "Do

	"What was that Ranma?"  Akane demanded.

RANMA: That Ranma was me. Do you know any other Ranmas?

(That same comma thing again. "What was that, Ranma?")

	"Nothing, we just better get moving."
	"Well,"  Akane fumed, "don't think your off the hook

you're

for this!"
	�What you�re not going to just hit me now?� Asked

You've switched to non-standard quote marks with this paragraph. These
will show up as something completely different on other platforms. Use
the standard quote marks that you used up until this paragraph.

Ranma with a startled expression.
	Akane grinned evilly.  �No, not until AFTER your help

AFTER you help

	Auditory:  clinking of dishes perhaps in another
room, and a low voiced argument going on over his

low-voiced

head.
	"But Kasumi, it was Ranma's fault for hiding behind a

"But, Kasumi,

stranger!"
	"Yes Akane, but you were the one who struck him.  You

"Yes, Akane,

must learn to control your temper, especially since
not everyone is as tough as Ranma."

Seems an odd reaction from her. Since when does Kasumi lecture Akane
like this?

	Sensing no immediate danger to himself and curious
about the owners of those voices, Shoki slowly opened
his eyes.  Kneeling to either side of him were two
very pretty girls.  The one on the right was older,
with long hair and a bit of a matronly air about her. 
He guessed her age at about the same as his. He also
noticed what looked to be a first aid kit in her
hands.  The girl on his left was a few years younger,
with much shorter and darker hair.   He  remembered
her from just before losing consciousness.  She was
the one who had given him this headache.  Just then
the older girl noticed his open eyes.
	"Oh, your awake.  I'm Kasumi.  How are you feeling?"

you're

She smiled brightly in a reassuring manner.
	"Uh, I'm feeling better.  At least so far,"  sneaking
a glance at Akane who blushed.  �I Just feel like I've
been hit by a freight train, � he didn't add.

Again, you've got some weird non-standard accent mark around his
thought. If you want to delimit thoughts, just use a regular ASCII
character, such as an apostrophe (').

	A beeping sound from behind momentarily got Kasumi's
attention.  "I need to get to the kitchen and finish
dinner.

KASUMI: Fries are up!

 Please lie down for a while longer until the
aspirin we gave you starts to work.  If you need
anything, please let me know."  With that, she got up 
and walked out of Shoki's line of sight.  He then
noticed that the other girl was about to burst.
	"I'm so sorry!"  She blurted.  "I didn't mean to hit

she (no caps)

you, I was aiming for Ranma.  You just kind of got in
the way."  She turned an interesting shade of red and
stammered on "could you forgive me?  I'm really,

on, "Could

really sorry..."
	"Yes, I can forgive you, under one condition."
	"What condition?!.....You had better not want a

Use three dots for a set of ellipses, or four if they also end a
sentence.

BROTHER MAYNARD: Five is RIGHT OUT!

date!"  She almost shouted, causing Shoki's  headache

she (no caps)

A bit of a precipitous reaction there. Why jump to such a conclusion?
It's not as if this guy saw her naked, the way Ranma did in vol. 1.

	"No harm done other than a headache Mr. Tendo.  Oh,

headache, Mr. Tendo.

"My mother was a Japanese businesswoman, and my father
was an Scottish-American Police Detective.  I just

"police detective" isn't the name of some particular group or thing, so
don't capitalize it.

moved here from my grandfather�s home in Scotland.�

And here you're back to the platform-specific quote marks again.

	�Ah, so you would be our new next door neighbor,��

Extra weird character after the comma there.

	�Yes, assuming that you are moving into the Yashima�s

the Yashimas'

(Presumably there are more than one Yashima. Otherwise it would be "into
Yashima's")

	Just then another girl poked her head into the room. 
She had close cropped brown hair, and a guarded look. 

close-cropped

She glanced inquisitively at Shoki, then addressed the
other man.  �Daddy, Kasumi says dinner is ready.�
Without waiting for a response, but shooting another
glance at Shoki, she disappeared again.

NABIKI: Are you another self-insert character come to have your way with
me? *sigh* Let me see which days I have free....

	Finished with his food, Genma took up the
explanation.  �Well, Ranma is the heir to the Saotome
School of Anything Goes Martial Arts.  Until a few
months ago he and I were on a long training journey to
sharpen his skills.  One of our last stops was a place
called Jusenkyo, or the pools of sorrows.  There are
over a thousand springs there, each one cursed.  If
you fall into a spring you turn into whatever first
drowned in that spring.  Hot water changes you back
into your normal self, but only until you are struck
with cold water again.  Ranma fell into the spring of
drowned girl.�  He made a big show of crying into the
arm of his white gi.  �Oh, the horror!�

Given that your readers have more than likely read the manga, and
probably a lot of fanfics as well, recounting something they're already
intimately familiar with is only likely to bore them. IMO, it would be
better just to say that Genma explained the origins of the curses and
then show whatisname's reaction. There's no need to tell us in detail
what he said.

	Ranma hopped up at that.  �Horror!  Like you even
know the half of it Pops!�  Ranma grabbed his father

it, Pops!

and threw him through the open side door into the
yard.  There he landed in the Koi pond.  Moments later
a black and white panda stood up out of the water. 

RANMA: Because of you, we have to repeat tiresome stock scenes like this
one in every goddamn fanfic!

GENMA: [raises sign which reads: "At least it's not as overused as the
one where Kasumi calls us to breakfast right when we fall in the pond!"]

The panda glared at Ranma and produced a sign from
behind it�s back.  <That is not the way to treat your

its

("it's" means "it is". "its" means "belonging to it")

father in front of guests!>  Read the sign.  Ranma

Reading the sign, Ranma

decided to let his fists do his talking, and moments
later the red-haired girl and panda were duking it out
in the backyard.
	Shoki looked at Soun and asked �are they the only

asked, "Are

ones?  Anyone else here cursed?�  Soun shook his head.

Might be funny if P-chan also shook his head at this.

�Okay, how do you deal with it?�
	�Oh, we�ve gotten used to it!� Chorused Nabiki and

chorused

(When you have a "said"-type verb that explicitly tells you that a line
of dialog is spoken, the line is part of the same sentence as the
dialog, and punctuated accordingly.)

	�You mentioned that you work for McLaren Oil, Shoki. 
Does this mean you are related to the owners?  No
offense, but you seem awfully young to be taking on
such responsibilities alone.�  Inquired Soun.  Nobody

alone," inquired

noticed that Nabiki took on an interested look.
	�Well, my grandfather is the majority stockholder and
CEO, but that didn�t really cut any ice getting me a
job with them.  That had more to do with a bet,� 
grinned Shoki.

bet." Shoki grinned.

(Here, grinning is a separate action. You can't grin a line of dialog.)

	�Wow,  you must be really smart to finish school that
quickly!� Exclaimed Ranma, wondering if Shoki had used

exclaimed (no caps; same sentence)

some sort of martial arts school learning technique or
something.
	�No, not really all that smart Ranma.  But a

smart, Ranma.

[snip to end]

There's a kind of "new character" fanfic that seems to be reinvented
every so often, for reasons I've never figured out. It's unlikely that
the authors have read each other's work, but the stories all follow a
common pattern to an uncanny degree -- from the introductory scene where
the new character beats up one of the regulars to establish how good a
fighter he is, to the Tendos inviting him over and him impressing them
with his wealth, talent, and charm.

This one, so far, seems like a pretty typical example of the pattern.
Certainly, IMO, it suffers from the same problems that those stories
typically do -- dull characterization, and lack of conflict.

Shoki is, frankly, an uninteresting character. We don't get any notion
of what motivates him, what he cares about, what kind of things *get* to
him. There's no sense that he might get into a situation that he can't
handle, that he might need to learn and grow, because he seems to be
able to handle everything perfectly. Okay, he did get accidentally
clobbered by Akane, which is good, until you consider that he stepped
into that attack intentionally as a way of keeping someone else from
being hurt.

Conflict is perhaps *the* most important factor in a story. Conflict,
generally speaking, means that you have a situation with two or more
possible outcomes, that each of those outcomes has significant forces of
some sort trying to push it in that direction, that your main character
very much cares about the outcome, and that his or her actions will
ultimately determine the outcome one way or another.

This is the sort of thing that you desperately need in your story. If
the conflict happens later than what you're showing now, then you should
probably have started your story later. There's no obligation to start
from the beginning. The Ranma manga doesn't start by showing Genma and
Soun arranging a future marriage, or even by showing Genma and Ranma at
Jusenkyo. It starts where the conflict starts, which is a good rule of
thumb to follow.

I hope this was useful, and good luck with this and any future fics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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