[FFML] Re: Kasumi the Wayfarer Chapter One (C&C)

You said of commas; "Going through your C&C the first time, I noticed that you seemed to like commas. :) I'm probably going to ignore most of these. As far as I can tell, I'm not incorrect in my lack of use. Also, while I'll admit that the story isn't a particular 'fast' one, so many commas will, imho, slow it down in a manner I do not want."

My reply; I was taught that in a sentence where more than one action occurs, a comma is a graceful way to separate them. Compare "She walked in looked at the clock turned around and said 'Hi, Kasumi'." to "She walked in, looked at the clock, turned around and said 'Hi, Kasumi'." Also in the particular case I pointed out just below, "Ranma glanced at the stairs then at the digital clock set in the VCR." adding a comma between 'stairs' and 'then' separates them. Otherwise when you're reading it, it goes like "Ranma glanced at the stairs then" and then you realize that "at the digital clock etc." comes next, and it's awkward. Commas prevent clumsy reading like this from happening in the first place.

You said of briefly mentioned passersby; As with the spells, I feel description of these strange passersby isn't necessary. Now if Kasumi had interacted with them, as she does with the deodand, you'd have a point. Describing everything that crosses a character's eye can lead to bloat.

Well if you're going to mention them at all tell us what they are. You don't have to wax poetic like Hugo or Dickens or Tolkein, but even one sentence would be good. "She passed butterflies with blue wings of the deepest hue, lined in black. She saw red birds with long tails that trailed like phoenix flame as they soared from branch to branch." Something simple like that, just the tiniest elaborations on what you already have. It's not bloat, it's depth!

(P.S. - instead of "small fish" try herring-sized fish" or something along those lines.)

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