And heeeeere we go.
My C&C belonged to me, but now I'm giving it to you. If you
decided to put it with all your Christmas fruitcakes,
remember to seal it up in tupperware.
Tsukikage Ran, beautiful maiden, connoisseur of fine sake, aficionado of
elephants, and by chance, wandering samurai, sat back against a tree,
enjoying the shade provided by its leafy canopy. There wasn't a cloud in the
sky, and the temperature was a touch on the warm side. But between her
refuge and a light breeze, everything felt just right. That was to say, with
the jug of sake in her hand, it felt right. To prove it fact rather than
opinion, she took another sip. A sip in the sense she only gulped twice
before bringing the nearly empty jug down and wiping her sleeve across her
lips.
My dictionary lists it as "afficionado."
Perhaps, "given the jug of sake", or "it felt right with a
jug of sake in her hand."?
I think it should be "sip in the sense that she".
"Ahh! It does indeed feel just right. There's not a thing I would change.
Wouldn't you agree, Myao?"
Maybe "This does indeed?" Since Myao wasn't privy to Ran's
thoughts, "it" is a little unclear.
Myao, far away from the tree and toiling under the bright sun, grunted
non-committally, then returned to her task at hand.
I think it's "non-committedly," but I could be wrong.
Ran shook her head at her friend's behavior. Myao, as much a country bumpkin
as the samurai had ever come across, was obsessed. It wasn't as though Myao
had never been obsessed before. Actually, she was quite
obsessive.
The repeated "obsessed" grates on me a little, though this
probably a stylistic difference. I would have used
something like ", was obsessed. This was hardly a new state
of affairs; Myao had, in all honesty, a rather obsessive
personality."
She
tended to latch onto things like her namesake martial arts school, digging
her claws into whatever caught her eye and maintaining her grip until
someone pried her off, or she came to understand the image she had built up
in her mind was not the same thing as the reality of the
situation.
"Namesake martial arts school" implies, to me, that the
school is named after her, which is not technically the
case. "Namesake of her martial arts school" is probably
more what you had in mind.
From
joining cults to having her picture painted, Myao had a tenacious energy
that caused as many problems as it solved.
It *solves* problems? I must not have seen that episode
yet. ;)
Still, Ran couldn't envision her
constant companion behaving in any other way. Nor would she have wanted a
change in Myao's behavior, though she would never admit such to the girl. It
was more fun to complain about it. And it did tend to keep their lives
interesting.
I'd suggest "It did tend to keep their lives interesting,
and it was [even] more fun to complain about it." The
"complain about it" line is the punchline to me, and it
doesn't work as well as the penultimate sentence.
But this time was different. Myao's obtuse, little mind had come up with
something that Ran did not approve of. Mostly because it seemed incredibly
stupid, even by Myao's standards. Ran had tried to talk the girl out of it,
but Myao was being extraordinarily stubborn this time. Still, perhaps one
more attempt would be called for.
You don't need a comma in "obtuse little mind."
"I still say this isn't a good idea."
Ahh, such persuasive logic. ;)
Myao threw down the items she had been tying together. She stood up and
stomped toward Ran, irate frown on her features. Given the worn state of
Myao's clothing, dirt smudged on her hands and face, combined with the way
the martial artist's look of intensity, which was similar to a five year old
being told he couldn't have any candy, proved to be quite the comical sight.
It took everything Ran had not to laugh aloud.
Your clauses don't quite link up right. Suggest: "Given
the worn state of Myao's clothing, the dirt smudged on her
hands and face, combined with the martial artist's look of
intensity, which was similar to a five-year old being told
he couldn't have any candy, this proved to be quite the
comical sight."
And heh. Good description of Myao.
Standing above the placid samurai, Myao leveled an accusatory finger at her.
"I have to do this. I'm tired of being relegated to the role of sidekick to
your heroism. I am Myao of the Neko Tekken, unconquerable avenger and
righter of wrongs. My martial arts are supposed to be supreme. I should be
able to dispatch any evildoer with a minimum of fuss, and do so with style
and grace as befitting a young woman of my beauty." Each statement was
punctuated by vigorous arm motions, almost as though she believed she was a
bird and could take off if she pumped her appendages fast enough.
I never thought I would utter these words, but: you need
more exclamation marks. I don't think Myao is really
capable of uttering a sentence that ends in a period. ;)
The description of her body language is as good as it goes,
but I'd like to see more, and more detailed: "Myao leveled
an accusatory finger at her. `I have to do this. I'm tired
of being relegated to the role of sidekick to your heroism.'
She crossed her arms with a flourish, and turned to display
a proud profile. `I am Myao of the Neko Tekken,
unconquerable avenger and righter of wrongs.' With a snap,
she was hunched over, shaking impassioned fists at Ran...."
Etc.
"Your martial arts are impressive," Ran admitted. Although Myao tended to
look more like an excited little girl than a beautiful young woman when she
was beating the crap out of someone. Ran, on the other hand, was all
composure and elegance, like a gentle leaf blowing in the wind when she went
into battle.
And modest, too.
"They are, aren't they?" Myao started to preen, then quickly returned to her
former angry state. "They might be good, but they're nothing compared to
your swordsmanship. Swordswomanship, whatever," Myao said, momentarily
flustered in confusion.
Maybe make a little more of Myao's confusion?
"...swordsmanship. Swordswomanship?
Swordperson... whatever."
Also, the "flustered" implies the "in confusion," to me.
Sounds a bit redundant.
"You're being too harsh on yourself," Ran assured her. "Think about our last
fight with those opium dealers. You took out at least a dozen of them."
"I took out six," Myao corrected, her voice as flat as a sheet of paper. "Do
you know how many you beat?"
"I did't really keep count," Ran said.
"Fourteen," Myao said.
Ran's eyebrow raised slightly. "It was sixteen."
"didn't really keep count" (typo)
Heh.
"Ha!" Myao held her hand up triumphantly. "I know why you're so intent on
stopping me. You're afraid I'll get better than you and you'll be reduced to
the role of my sidekick."
Ran's eyebrow twitched. "A pig would sooner learn to fly than that every
happening."
"I'm betting this technique can do it, so you'd better get ready to take
some pork on the fly.
Ran: What, so even with your new, advanced martial arts,
you still won't be able to hunt?
Myao: Shut up.
The samurai rose to her feet and walked toward Myao. "I'm afraid I cannot
allow you to do this to yourself." She placed a hand on Myao's shoulder
Myao pulled a bottle out of a nearby bag and held it before her companion.
"I'll give you this sake."
Ran snatched it out of her hand, undid the stopper, and took a swig. She
nodded her head in approval. "You make a good argument. Who am I to stand in
the way of your attempt to improve yourself? After all, as you have reminded
me so many times, the path of a martial artist is fraught with peril."
I'd suggest dropping the "You make a good argument." (Maybe
replace it with, "On the other hand...") Both because it's a
bit unneccessary, and because it makes Ran sound more like
Genma. ;)
Ran ignored the cries, and shook her head sadly as she read the appellation
Myao had given to the technique. It was kind of pathetic, considering it was
so similar to the name of her style of martial arts already. Really,
couldn't she have come up with something more original than the 'Nekoken'?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
End notes:
Well, I think it's a distinct possibility. Don't you? ^_^
Most assuredly. And if it's not a distinct possibility,
it's at least a very amusing one, which is just as good for
me. ;) If I were going to suggest any alterations to the
basic premise, it would be one last final paragraph:
Pausing only to stomp on Myao's fingers as she almost
reached the top of the pit, Ran took out a brush, wet it,
wet her throat, and flipped the page. Carefully, she
inscribed, "Only an idiot would consider training...."
(Or whatever the hell that line is.) The idea of Ran adding
that note to the journal seems to me to fit properly, though
since your story already has a good finish as is, I don't
know that it's worth taking the time to add that joke in.
Good little spamfic. I really liked your characterization
of Ran. The story doesn't really allow enough room for
Myao's character (the mood changes, the dramatization, the
open expressiveness) to really come into play, but it all
seemed appropriate.
Bjorn