Kyle Emmerson <tydripper@shaw.ca> writes:
[I've rewrapped the story for easier quoting]
Ranma 1/2: Bid my Light Farewell
Over-all comments: you're not just using conventional bad
conscience/good conscience stuff, since there's collaboration across
bad consciences. Be interesting to see how you develop this good/bad
society. (And why would the bads cooperate with one another? It would
seem like a bad conscience would prefer to work where others are
controlled by good consciences, so that the bad can have his host or
person take advantage of the goods).
Ranma 1/2 is the sole creative property of Rumiko Takahashi. I take no
credit in the creation of the following characters, I am simply a fan
who wishes to express himself. Thank you.
Prologue:
The Wager
----
Ranma sighed as he walked down the road, following the path to
school. Physically, he was completely alone. Akane had stormed off in
a hurry that morning, upon hearing a certain bit of news from
Nabiki.
Should there be a comma before 'upon'?
But Ranma wasn't truly alone. At least, not in the spiritual
sense. Standing behind Ranma were two figures-- a male and a
female. The male looked exactly like Ranma, but was dressed entirely
in black. The female was a carbon copy of Ranma's girl-form. She, in
turn, was dressed in a white conservative number. If one managed to
look even closer, they'd notice small horns jutting out from the
forehead of the male Ranma, and a faint halo hanging over the head of
the female...
Perhaps some more description of their clothes would be useful.
(Is devil-Ranma dressed in a black adaption of Ranma's Chinese
clothes? Or black leather motorcycle gear? And is the female wearing a
white dress, or a white adaption of Ranma's Chinese clothes). Not that
it matters a whole lot, but it'd help at hinting their personalities
(and how different they are from Ranma).
"What, are you kidding me?" Male Ranma asked. "It was a free
meal. We're going to pass THAT up?"
"Your influence on that whole subject is EXACTLY the reason Akane's
not speaking right now, you know!"
"Oh, like you could do any better?"
"I would if you weren't always butting in on my influence," Female
Ranma said. "Being a good conscience has it's frailties, and you
its. Perhaps 'disadvantages' rather than 'frailties'?
manage to exploit every single one of them!"
"You couldn't do him any good! With you in control, he'd starve,
possibly die of Akane's cooking right off the bat!"
or possibly
"Oh, her cooking isn't that bad and you KNOW it!"
"Whatever," Bad Ranma said. "At least you get to keep his morals in
check-- I've allowed you that much."
balance the whitespace around the --
Good Ranma growled inwardly. "Maybe so, but you control his attitude!
He'll never marry Akane at this rate!"
"So? There are plenty of other fish in the sea."
"I can't believe you'd say something so cliche. Besides, if I were in
charge, he'd be more sucessful, more kind and generous-- and many
more
successful
people would like him! He's got the ability to become a very likable
and kind person, you know."
Bad Ranma shook his head. A moment later, a sly grin started to
spread across his face. "You know... We could put that to a wager..."
we
"What?" Good Ranma asked.
I'd expect this to be either a little more excited, or more detailed.
('What'd you say?' or 'How's that?' or 'What type of wager?')
"I could leave you in charge for a week. You would be in complete
control, and I'd go for a vacation or something."
"That's against the rules and you know it. Every human must have both
a good and a bad conscience."
"Yeah, but it's not like I'd be gone for good-- just a week," he
said. "Hold on a sec."
whitespace balance around --
Bad Ranma reached upwards, forcing his hand into a tear in the fabric
of space. A moment later, he pulled it out, holding a book. He flipped
through the pages.
"Here we go. The Malcolm Clause."
"What's that?"
"In such a case as two consciences are in disagreement over
something, one conscience can allow the other complete and total
control over their human charge for a period not to extend one week."
"Really?" Good Ranma asked.
"It says it right here," he replied.
Good Ranma smiled, thinking of the possibilities of the future.
sugg: future possibilities, or possibilities for the future
She looked at him and smiled. "Let's do it."
Bad Ranma smirked. "Okay. Now what to wager on...?"
Good Ranma thought for a moment. "Well... it's only fair that if he's
not in a better situation in one weeks, that you get to control him
for a week."
one week
Bad Ranma thought for a moment. "Nah, that's no fun," he said. "How
about we make it INTERESTING?"
"Like how?"
"Like your car."
"The Angelexus 2003?" Good Ranma ground her teeth for a
moment. Finally, after a sigh, she sighed. "Fine, but if I win I get
your... Hmm... You know, there's nothing of yours that I really
want..."
lowercase hmm and you
"How about you get to have most of the say for the rest of his life?"
Good Ranma smiled. "That works!"
Trusting, trusting Good Ranma; unless this is a situation like OMG!
where consciences have to do as they say/promise, why would Bad Ranma
follow through? And what does 'most of the say' mean? And maybe a
contract specifying this would be a good idea... *grin*