Hello Jeremy Harper (and FFML),
Here is my critique of Kasumi the Wayfarer, Chapter One.
Give me a few more days for chapter two. . .
-Andrea Hill
>From DorianVal@aol.com (Jeremy Harper)
Subject [Ranma 1/2][FanFic] Kasumi the Wayfarer Chapter 1
X-Original-Date 16 Sep 2002 221823 -0700
Kasumi the Wayfarer
A Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction
By Jeremy Harper
Disclaimer - Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi
and is used without permission.
Chapter 1 A Long Desired Return
>From the top of the stairs Kasumi called down, "I'm going to
bed now. Good night."
"Good night," her sisters and Ranma replied in unison. The
television's audio was set low, so they could hear her gentle
footsteps and the shutting of her bedroom door. Ranma glanced
at the stairs then at the digital clock set in the VCR.
stairs, then at the digital clock in the VCR.
"Kasumi goes to bed pretty early," he commented. "It's only
ten o'clock, and tonight's a Saturday to boot."
"Well, Kasumi has a lot of chores on Sunday and she likes to
finish them early," Akane explained. "She's very responsible,
unlike some people around here I could mention."
"Huh," Ranma snorted. "I also guess that she needs more beauty
sleep than certain tomboys I could mention."
This is an (inadvertent) insult to Kasumi. How about
something more along the lines of �She cares more about her
beauty sleep than certain tomboys I could mention.�
"Jerk."
"Macho chick."
Nabiki just rolled her eyes and watched this latest exchanged
with veiled amusement. Since the fiasco of a wedding that had
occurred a few weeks ago the arguments between Akane and Ranma
had deescalated, becoming playful - almost affectionate -
teasing instead of the cacophonic shouting matches that were
once their norm. It could still be annoying though. Nabiki
turned up the TV's volume with the remote.
In her bedroom Kasumi couldn't hear the good-natured bickering.
She sat at her dresser, clad in her nightgown, looking into the
mirror as she brushed her long hair.
Her expression was dreamy, her gentle brown eyes wistful,
almost longing. "Maybe tonight, finally..." she murmured to
herself. She set down her hairbrush, rose to her feet
feet, and
and walked to her bed. She slipped under the covers, checked
the clock on her nightstand to make sure the alarm was set
then switched off her lamp.
was set, and then switched
She pulled her covers up to her shoulders and laid on her
back,
and lay on her back
staring into the gentle, friendly darkness. "Maybe tonight,"
she murmured again. She folded her hands below her breasts,
closed her eyes and with practiced ease fell instantly to
sleep.
closed her eyes, and with
*****
A pleasant warmth enveloped Kasumi. From a middle distance she
heard birdsong, mellifluous, sweet to the ear, yet queerly
alien in a way
birdsong; mellifluous
that she would be hard pressed to describe if asked to
explain.
Remove �if asked to explain�
A cool breeze caressed her gently, almost with a lover's
touch.
It may sound better to say �A cool breeze caressed her
gently, with a lover�s touch.� Or even �A cool breeze
caressed her gently; a lover�s touch.�
Leaves rustled, branches creaked. Kasumi opened her eyes, and
found herself standing in a forest glade. Great oaks and
maples surrounded her, their foliage hued a deep, dark
emerald and the grass of the sward, verdantly luxuriously.
dark emerald, and the grass of the sward was verdantly
luxurious.
A noontime sun blazed in a sky bluer than any she'd ever seen
in Japan. She looked down, and found herself not in a
nightgown, or one of her housedresses, but a flowing white
blouse, trimmed with fine lace, and brown deerskin breeches.
She looked down and found� fine lace. One her legs were
brown deerskin breeches. (You should separate the blouse from
the breeches because even though we know better it makes it
sound like the blouse is also trimmed with breeches. Har har!)
Instead of house slippers one her feet
slippers on her
she wore sturdy leather boots, their cuffs flared and folded.
How tall are the boots? Ankle height? Knee-high?
Mid-calf?
A sash of fine purple silk wound about her waist, tied in a
knot at her right hip; a saber sheathed in a fine leather
scabbard was thrust into it by her left hip.
into it at her left hip
A large satchel hung from a baldric slung across her chest.
She raised her hands - covered in gloves of kidskin - and took
off her hat.
covered in kidskin gloves
What is the hat made of? Leather? Straw? Canvas? Wood?
Its broad brim was folded up slightly on one side, and a
shimmering blue-green peacock's feather adorned the band that
wrapped the base of its crown. She wore no ribbon in her hair;
it flowed down past her shoulders in waves, free and unbound.
What color is the band?
She wore no ribbon in her hair, preferring to leave it to
flow past her shoulders in waves, free and unbound. (Also
why not do some explanation or short comparison like this:
Whereas at home she needed to tie back her hair as well as
her adventurous spirit, here she wore not ribbon in her hair.
Here she preferred to leave it, etc.)
Kasumi threw back her head and laughed joyously. "I'm back!"
she cried, throwing her hat in the air, pirouetting
gracefully. She caught her hat and set it on her head and
laughed again.
Did she throw the hat up, or did it boomerang out and back
to her?
"I'm finally back!" After a stint of unwanted exile Kasumi
had returned to the dreamlands she had lived and wandered in
for nearly a decade.
This needs a comma somewhere. . . Try exile, Kasumi
She first dreamed of this realm not long after her mother's
death and
death, and
since that first fateful vision she explored and wandered its
length and breadth almost every night.
Dude, she walks fast. ;) Try something more like �she had
explored and wandered here almost every night, and had seen
its length and breadth�. Although you can�t really say that
because as she tells Tofu later there are a lot of places to
which she�s never been.)
Here she was not Kasumi Tendo, the meek, primly proper,
staunchly traditional daughter of Soun Tendo.
Here, she
Instead she was Kasumi the Wayfarer, swordswoman, itinerant
adventurer, bold and resourceful. But recently the dreamlands
had been barred from her.
recently, the
Worries for her little sister, abducted by the bird folk of
Junsendo, and the stresses caused by the chaotic wedding her
father and Uncle Saotome had arranged somehow inhibited her
from dreaming.
Pheonix People (capitalize this)
Also, why would the HUGE stress of her mother�s death allow
her to wander in the Dreamlands, but the other huge stress of
Akane�s abduction prevent it? If nothing else Kasumi would
need this wandering time to relieve the much greater stress
that she must have been experiencing.
But after Akane's safe return and her improving relationship
with Ranma the fears and anxieties had eventually dissipated;
peace had returned to Kasumi's house, her exile was over. She
laughed one more time before taking her locale into deeper
consideration.
But after Akane's safe return and her improving
relationship with Ranma, the fears and anxieties had
eventually dissipated; peace had returned to Kasumi's house,
and her exile was over. (Perhaps �her exile was finally over)
Kasumi looked about the forest glade, her lips quirking into a
small half-frown. She knew these woods. It was the Enchanted
Forest, a woodland both beautiful and perilous. Strange
creatures roamed its twisting trails, many of which craved
human flesh. Kasumi had hoped she could have willed herself to
someplace more hospitable- Ulthar, for example, which lay to
the west of the forest, situated along the winding banks of the
River Skai. She had managed such feats before, often saving
herself much tedious journeying. Still, she was not overly
concerned. She had traveled through the Enchanted Forest many
times before, and as long as one kept wary and alert it was
not too hazardous a place.
Replace �many times before,� with something like �many times
already�
Kasumi shut her eyes and meditated for a moment. She realized
that the spells she last memorized had faded from her mind.
spells she�d last memorized had since faded from her mind.
She opened her eyes, loosened her saber in its sheath, and sat down in the shade of one of the larger trees. From her satchel she produced a small, slim volume- her grimoire.
Dictionary.com defines �grimoire� as �a manual of black magic (for invoking spirits and demons)�. It�s also not a commonly used word, and some people may not know what that is right off the bat. Try using something more people would recognize, such as �spell-book�. This is more appropriate, because �spell� is defined by dictionary.com as �A word or formula believed to have magic power.� This is more benign-sounding and covers more area than summoning demons.
Kasumi was no true sorcerer, but over the years she learned a
few things about magic.
sorceress
Her mind was supple and strong, and with some effort could
encompass some of the more straightforward of mystical
formulae.
straightforward mystical formulae.
Leafing through her grimoire she selected two spells she
deemed would be useful for the short walk to Ulthar - the
Charm of Alacritous Motion and the Spell of the Slow Hour.
spells that she deemed OR spells which she deemed
She poured over the incantations, pondering the strange logic
they represented, forcing the enigmatic syllables into her
mind, where they writhed and twisted in protest. Kasumi
closed her eyes, covering them with a hand, and in a moment
the turmoil subsided. She sighed in relief, snapping shut the
book and returning it to her satchel.
snapping the book shut (I know it�s grammatically correct
either way, but this way flows better. You can, of course,
choose to ignore any or all of my suggestions.)
What are these spells? You should take a paragraph here
to explain what they do, and why Kasumi thought they�d be a
good pick. Sometimes it�s ok to make your characters
enigmatic by not explaining their reasons for doing something,
but so far you�ve been writing a lot about what she thinks and
how she acts, so it�s inconsistent here.
She rose, glancing up at the sun. It had just started its
decline. With speed and good fortune she should reach Ulthar
before sunset. Picking out a trail to the west, she headed off,
whistling happily.
The trail snaked through the trees, curving gently and
twisting treacherously in turns.
�twisting treacherously in turns� is redundant. Besides
that, immediately before �treacherously� you�ve got �gently�.
Dissect what you meant to say through this sentence and try
again.
It hunched roughly up rises, poured rapidly down slopes.
rises, and poured
Kasumi walked it with wide, confident strides, surefooted and
swift.
Are you sure you mean wide strides? Did you mean to say
long? Wide indicates that our dear Kasumi is bow-legged, or
something.
She whistled or sang when she could spare the breath to help
pass the time, un-fearful of the forest, but not unwary,
keeping her saber close at hand and her spells foremost in her
mind.
She whistled - or sang when she could spare the breath -
to help pass the time. She was un-fearful of the forest, but
not unwary, keeping her saber close at hand and her spells
foremost in her mind. (You seem to be in love with long
sentences. Try to go through this story and future chapters,
and break down you long sentences into shorter ones. Short
sentences don�t mean dumb sentences, but long sentences can
often sound pretentious.)
As she walked along the trail she saw many of the forest's
denizens going about their simple business- birds, squirrels,
a few times a deer foraging in the underbrush or in clearings.
Prime example here of a sentence that could be separated
into two. �As she walked along the trail, she saw many of the
forest's denizens going about their simple business. Birds,
squirrels, and a few times a solitary deer foraged in the
underbrush or in clearings.�
More unusual creatures also caught her eye. Plump Zoogs the
size of tanuki poked their round, furry faces cautiously
through the foliage of their trees to peer at her curiously.
Scintillant mynahr birds flitted from bough to branch, their
emerald and ruby plumage glittering in the sunlight, quite
literally sang for their supper.
Scintillant � Wow, my spell check tells me this isn�t a
word, but Dictionary.com says it is. It�s a adjective for
the word �scintillate�, meaning �to throw of sparks, to flash,
to sparkle or shine.� It can also mean �to be animated and
brilliant� as in �dinner conversation that scintillated�.
Now I know. Just for any one else that was curious, now YOU
know!
More than once Kasumi shook her head to clear it of the
hypnotic cobwebs the mynahr's music wove. A twk-man buzzed by,
mounted on a golden dragonfly, raising his lance in friendly
salutation as he passed; Kasumi reciprocated with a wave of
her hand. Once a butterfly dragon crossed her path, floating
serenely through the trees, its large prismatic wings barely
stirring in the air. Kasumi observed its grace and beauty in
silent admiration.
It�s hard to imagine the butterfly dragon�s grace and beauty
without more description. Also the twk-man could use some.
All we know about the twk-man is that he�s male, rides a
dragonfly, and has a lance. Is it human-shaped? What color?
After a few hours of uneventful travel Kasumi came across a
glen where a silvery brook burbled quietly to itself. She
thought she recognized it. Scaumanu's Brook, if she were
correct- named after the forester from Ulthar that discovered
it.
>from Ulthar who had discovered it.
It was the westernmost source of water in the Enchanted Forest,
quite close to the woods' periphery. From here Ulthar was
perhaps five miles walk.
Ulthar was perhaps a five mile walk.
Kasumi doffed her hat and wiped her brow with a handkerchief
from her pocket. The water looked refreshing; Scaumanu's Brook
was renowned in the area for its purity. She walked to its
bank and kneeled down, putting her hat to one side. Small,
colorful fish swan in the current, poking about the rocks,
silt and plants.
rocks, silt, and plants.
She wished she had some line and tackle with her. Roasted fish
would have tasted nice after tramping through the Enchanted
Forest.
I thought they were small? I�m imagining gold-fish sized
fish, here. If that�s the case then catching one to eat
wouldn�t be worth the effort.
She peeled off her gloves and placed them neatly in her hat.
In the previous sentence where you describe Kasumi laying
her hat to one side, you should further explain that she lay
in top-side down. Or you should say that she placed her gloves
ON her hat.
She washed her hands, laved the sweat from her face and drank
deeply from the brook, quaffing down handfuls of water to
quench her dry throat. She sighed contentedly and delicately
wiped her mouth with her kerchief.
A faint rustling sounded behind her, from the far side of the
glen. The small, fine hairs on the back of neck rose as a
premonitory chill danced down it. Kasumi spun around swiftly,
rising into a crouch. Her saber rasped free from its scabbard.
Something crawled towards her through the thick sward,
something lusterless black, large as a man. It froze
statue-still when it spied her movement, then rose up
serpentine from the ground. It would have looked like a man,
a handsome man dressed in leather harness, if not for the
gleaming fangs so prominent in its mouth, the iron claws
curving from its digits, the large, murky yellow eyes with the
slit, cat-like pupils.
Kasumi straightened her stance and pointed her saber at the
creature.
'A deodand,' she thought. 'What ill-fortune.'
Separate Kasumi�s thought from the deodand smiling by a
paragraph spacing (or indent, whichever).
The deodand smiled widely. Its eyes raked greedily over her
body. A long, too narrow tongue flitted across its fangs. She
could feel radiating from it the intensity of its
anthropophagic cravings. They struck her almost like a
physical blow. It held out its hands out to either side as if
in friendly welcome and spoke, its voice a resonant baritone.
She could feel the intensity of its anthropophagic cravings
radiating from it.
"Ah, I recognize you now," the deodand crooned. "Kasumi the
Wayfarer. You are as beautiful, as... delectable... as the
stories say. You have strayed quite far from your usual haunts,
I think."
If Ulthar is her usual haunt, then this deodand is sadly
misinformed. Five miles isn�t far even when you can�t drive.
"I have no usual haunts. I have traveled farther than you can
imagine," Kasumi answered. "I wander as I will, beholden to no
one and causing no harm without just provocation. It is a
philosophy that would profit you this day to adopt, deodand."
Kasumi twisted her wrist, making a tight cut in the air with
the tip of her saber.
"What barbaric times we live in, when just-met strangers make
such boorish and unwarranted threats," the deodand murmured
pettishly. "Your sword looks fine, though. How it catches the
sunlight! Is it sharp?"
"Quite sharp, and very strong. It was wrought by the smiths of
Kaiin, the finest swordmakers in the world." Kasumi flourished
the weapon in question. "Note well the rune of puissance
engraved on the blade, the blessed ribbon tied above the
pommel. It is a weapon of the highest quality, and I am
proficient in its use."
sword-makers
"Yes, yes, but do you think that will be enough, when brought
to the task? I have heard that you know something of magic,
Kasumi. Are you with spells today?"
"I am. The spells I know are of excellent brevity and power.
You will have to find your supper elsewhere, deodand."
are of brevity and excellent power.
"Perhaps, but I think not." With a slim claw the deodand
pointed over Kasumi's shoulder. "Even now my brother comes
behind you, foolish girl. He shall strike your head off your
shoulders ere you blink."
Kasumi turned quickly, raising her saber to ward off an
attack. But nothing was behind her, and the deodand sprang as
she turned. But Kasumi expected such treachery and jumped
back, the monster's claws missing her by the thickness of her
skin. It pivoted to strike at her again and she uttered
urgently the Spell of the Slow Hour. The air twisted and
shimmered about the deodand, and its motions slowed by half,
then by half again. Kasumi almost casually stepped out of the
way of its lethargically swung claw then lunged with her saber.
The blade flashed three times, piercing the deodand once
through the shoulder, twice through the chest, high and low.
The air shimmered around the deodand again. It fell writhing
to the ground, blood spurting on the grass, staining the
verdant stalks black. Grimacing in distaste Kasumi dispatched
it, stabbing it through the throat. The deodand twitched once
violently and lay still.
Kasumi wiped her saber on the sward, cleaning it of blood. Her
lips were pursed in a tight, thin line. What an unfortunate
way for her return to her dreamlands to begin. She wished no
harm to any creature, but she was worldly enough to understand
that not all shared such an enlightened belief. Her sojourns
had made her pragmatic; if threatened by unreasoning violence
she was more than capable of making the offender regret his
incivility.
Her sojourns had made her pragmatic. If threatened by
unreasoning violence, she was more than capable of making the
offender regret his incivility.
But she would never like doing so.
Pointedly avoiding looking at the deodand's corpse, she
sheathed her saber, donned her hat and gloves and started
west.
donned her hat and gloves, and started west.
She heard more rustling in the underbrush and looked over her
shoulder. Several zoogs had waddled out of hiding, eagerly
approaching the slain deodand, licking their furry lips.
Kasumi grimaced and left the glen as swiftly as her dignity
would allow.
Another hour of walking passed before Kasumi reached the end
of the Enchanted Forest. She stepped free from the tree line
and the thick shadows, out onto a grassy rise. The Skai River
Valley stretched out before her, green, pleasant and peaceful.
On the far horizon the sun wearily sank behind the sharp,
distant peaks of the Magnatz Mountains, its tired light
painting the valley in red and shadows, transmuting the River
Skai into a curving line of ruddy gold. A cool breeze blew
from the west. Kasumi sat down in the grass, taking off her
hat and drawing her knees to her chest, content to watch the
sunset for a few minutes in quiet introspection.
Start a new paragraph here.
Along the southern banks of the River Skai were the neat,
white cottages of the town of Ulthar. She couldsee the
villagers, made miniscule by distance, going about their last
minute chores, preparing to settle in for the night after a
day of honest labor. Boatmen moored their craft at the dock.
Storekeepers closed the shutters of their shops. Housewives
called their children in from play. One by one lamps and
candles flickered on in the cottages. Kasumi stood up and
descended down a well-trod trail leading to the village.
Twilight had come and was swiftly darkening when she reached
Ulthar. She made her way to the inn she favored, her boots
clicking on the streets' cobblestones. Few people were out,
but those who saw her greeted her warmly, for she was well
known and liked in Ulthar. She returned their welcomes with
bright smiles, glad to have finally returned. She had grown
up in this town, playing with the town children, consorting
with its numerous, ubiquitous cats, learning the ways of these
dreamlands at the feet of far-flung travelers. In many ways
Ulthar was more of her home then the house in Tokyo she had
been born in. Kasumi dearly loved her father and her sisters,
but here in Ulthar she was free, free to be the type of woman
she wished she could be in the waking world, unfettered by the
duties of house and home that had been thrust upon her when
she was so young...
Remove the ellipse from the end of that sentence.
Kasumi sighed and shook her head, banishing such melancholy
ruminations from her mind. She entered a large two-story
building, a wooden sign hanging over its door, an
illustration of a tankard brimming with foam painted on it.
a wooden sign hanging over its door with an illustration of
a tankard brimming with foam painted on it.
Lamps and the roaring fireplace brightly illuminated the inn's
common room. The many patrons ate, drank and chattered
merrily. The master of the Overflowing Tankard, old Ranson,
welcomed Kasumi, waddling out from behind the bar and giving
her a fatherly hug. Kasumi laughed and kissed him on the cheek.
He beamed happily and escorted her to a table near the
fireplace, ordering one of his serving maids to fetch food and
fine wine. They talked for a little while before duty called
him away, Ranson informing Kasumi of events great and small
that had passed during her absence.
They talked for a little while before duty could call him
away. Ranson informed Kasumi of events great and small that
had passed during her absence.
She listened with interest, and ate her dinner of gamebird,
game bird
(next line) soup, cheese, and bread
soup, cheese and bread with gusto, her appetite sharp after
the long hike from the Enchanted Forest. Night wore on, and
one by one people retired, seeking their rooms or houses.
Kasumi was content to sit before the fire, staring into it
drowsily and sipping sweet wine. Finally she yawned and
inquired to Ranson about a room for the night. He led her
upstairs to a large chamber, its window overlooking the inn's
courtyard, and bid her goodnight. Once her door was shut and
locked she set aside her saber and satchel and untied her sash.
Along with her hat and gloves she placed them neatly on a
chair. She stepped to the window, opening its shutters so she
could look up at the night sky. The stars twinkled, diamonds
strewn on black velvet; the moon floated among them, flat and
full, glowing with a diffused, white light. Kasumi shut her
window and undressed for bed. She slipped into bed, naked
under the blankets, and quickly fell into a pleasant slumber.
*****
Nabiki watched her sister as she hummed happily to herself as
she prepared breakfast. "You seem chipper today Kasumi," she
commented.
This sentence sounds akward. Say it out loud and you�ll
know what I mean. There are too many �as she�s in there. Try
something like �Nabiki watched her sister humm happily to
herself as she prepared breakfast.�
Kasumi nodded. "Yes, I had a very good night's sleep."
"Oh? Did you have any interesting dreams?" Nabiki asked,
grinning.
Kasumi paused and looked at her younger sister with a small,
pursed smile. Something mischievous flashed in her brown eyes.
"Well, I did have a few dreams, but I doubt they would be of
any interest to you, Nabiki. Could you go tell everyone that
breakfast will be ready shortly?"
Nabiki blinked, a little puzzled by her older sister's
demeanor. "Ah, sure Sis." She left the kitchen with a
thoughtful expression. Nabiki thought she knew how to read
people, deduce their intentions and tendencies, but Kasumi
had always been an enigma to her. She seemed so simple, yet
sometimes Nabiki sensed hidden depths within her... Nabiki
shook her head and called her extended family down to
breakfast.
/////
Author's Notes
The dream realm Kasumi adventures in is an unsubtle
amalgamation of H.P. Lovecraft's Dreamlands and Jack Vance's
Dying Earth.
Comments and criticism are welcome, and can be directed to
DorianVal@aol.com.
Thank you for your time and tolerance,
Jeremy Harper
----------
>From DorianVal@aol.com (Jeremy Harper)
Subject [Ranma 1/2][FanFic] Kasumi the Wayfarer Chapter 2
X-Original-Date 16 Sep 2002 222308 -0700
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