Rather late C&C, but I've got to get back into this game
somehow. Hopefully still in time to be of some use to you.
I'm probably going to do a couple of other fics before I
come back to finish C&Cing DitR, but I hope to catch up
entirely soon.
"I see you know how to hold a bokken," Motoko observed, shifting into
an offensive stance, her wooden blade before her.
This is a really trivial detail, mind you, but as far as I
can tell, the much more commonly used word (in Japan) is
"bokuto." I don't know why I mention this.
This comment confuses me slightly, as it seems to be a
sarcastic sort of remark: "At least you know how to hold on
to that thing without cutting your fingers off." If that's
true, then the otherwise dispassionate narrative doesn't
quite jive. On the other hand, if Motoko is just trying to
indirectly compliment Ranma, it seems awfully indirect. Why
not simply something like "I see you have some skill with
the sword"?
Ranma nodded, taking up a stance of his own across from her. "I've had
a bit of training," he said casually.
Perhaps "position" instead of "stance"? Mostly for variety.
"I think I recognize the style," the kendoka said slowly, studying him.
"Are you ready?"
While this works just fine as is, I'm going to suggest,
"said slowly, studying the placement of his feet and the set
of his hips." Just because those are the sorts of things
that would distinguish one style from another.
"Of course," he flippantly replied. "Let's see what I can teach you."
*cue porn music*
The two rushed one-another then, wooden swords passing mere
hairsbreadths apart before flying onwards.
On the sidelines, Shinobu gasped, covering her eyes and unable to
watch, while the rest of the tenants stared avidly.
The two fighters passed one another and reassumed their stances, each
facing away from the other.
The first paragraph makes it sound like the two had already
passed each other, and then they pass each other again in
the third one. Either that, or what you wanted in the first
paragraph was to show that they were at first going for a
block or something and then shifted their swords to cut
through at the other person. If that was the case, then
your "flying onwards" is attaching to the wrong referent,
and it needs more description.
Oh, and another nitpicky detail: there's no real point resuming
a stance if you're facing away from your opponent. If you
have the time to do that, you have the time to turn around,
too, which is probably a lot more useful, all things told.
Both bore impassive expressions, the only
features to differentiate the scene from a samurai drama being Ranma's
casual jeans and T-shirt, and the bokken they bore in place of actual
blades.
Actually, a number of samurai movies featured dramatic fight
with bokuto -- "Seven Samurai," for one, and "Musashi."
I think "differentiate" is a bit dry. Maybe something like,
"Excepting Ranma's casual jeans and T-shirt, it was a
tableau taken straight from a samurai drama."
Finally, Ranma straightened up, turned to face Motoko, and said, "I
think I pulled something," before collapsing flat on his face.
Heh.
"Well," Haruka mused quietly, watching the duelists on the island from
the safety of the riverbank. "That was unexpected."
I'm reminded that I like Haruka a lot.
Which island is this, anyways? For that matter, what river?
Motoko stared at the bokken in her hands, and then cocked her head to
one side, and turned to face Ranma, sprawled on the ground and unmoving.
"Oe-sensei?" she asked cautiously.
"Cocking her head" doesn't strike me as very Motokoesque
behaviour. Normally, she's rather formal, and she'd only do
that sort of thing when she's very surprised/flustered,
which is not the impression I'm getting from the rest of the text.
He didn't respond, even when Suu bounced over the river surrounding the
miniature isle, and began shaking him. "I think you broke him," the
smaller girl surmised, frowning. She brightened a heartbeat later. "Now
I can take him apart and see how he worked!"
You don't need the comma after "isle."
"I ain't dead," Ranma pronounced, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and
sitting up, eyeing Suu suspiciously. She merely offered him an innocent
smile. Shaking his head, he turned back to Motoko. "I think I'm gettin'
the idea here, though," he said slowly, wincing as Suu prodded his side.
To me, "pronounced" implies a formal announcement. Is that
how Ranma's actually talking?
"Does this hurt?"
"Yes, it hurts," he snapped, picking her up, and rising to his feet.
Motoko raised an eyebrow as the girl shifted her position to sit on his
shoulders and toy with his hair. "Um... anyway, it seems to me that you
know how to use a sword really well, but you don't know how to fight
without a weapon quite as well."
Again, the minor mechanics escape me. How did Ranma pick
Suu up? From context, it would seem likely he did so by her
shoulders, but it's hard to see how he could have done that
while sitting down -- and harder to see how he could have
then stood up. But if he picked her up in a cradling
position, why did he do that?
"And your own skills with a blade are less than remarkable," she
returned flatly, crossing her arms over her chest. "Is it so certain
that you should be training me after all?"
That's a pretty big leap. Ranma just threw out his back,
right? If Motoko didn't land a hit on him, she shouldn't be
this arrogant.
Ranma bristled for a moment, and Suu's hair stood on end, as though she
had picked up a tremendous static charge. The girl looked at Ranma in
surprise, but he calmed, and her hair settled. "That's not the point.
The point is I'm supposed to help train you. I bet you could probably
beat anyone if you and the other person were using the same weapons."
Even Seta, or Tsuroko?
And you might want to stick to "swords." We have no
evidence, for example, that Motoko has any skill with a spear.
"Keitaro beat Motoko-chan in a sword-fight!" Suu chirped happily,
tugging on Ranma's braid.
Ranma's left eyebrow began to tic, and he turned towards the inn's
young manager. "Really?"
"It was only a tie!" Keitaro protested quickly, waving his hands before
him defensively, as if he could push Ranma's gaze aside. "She was sick!
It was an accident, I swear!"
Heh.
He stared blankly, then turned his attention back to
Motoko.
Okay. To me, "staring blankly" implies confusion, and
there's really nothing in what Keitaro said to prompt that
reaction. Even more, though, why does Ranma just drop it?
Is he swallowing his frustration? Did he just shrug and
chalk it up as just one of those things? Is he pretending
nobody said anything?
Ranma's left eyebrow ticked again, stopping only when Suu leaned over
him to examine his face closely, incidentally obscuring his view of
Motoko. When Ranma calmed, she offered an impish smile, and straightened
up. "Alright, I think a demonstration is in order, here. Kanrinin, would
you be willing to lend a hand?" he asked, turning to Keitaro.
This is more what I want. In this case and the first one,
you provide a good reason for Ranma to calm down. (Well,
when I say good... Suu? Calming people? I shudder. ;)
Ranma offered Keitaro a somewhat reassuring smile. "Trust me on this
one. There's a trick to it. The bokken is going to be on your left side,
and you'll draw it with your right arm, across your body. You start the
duel with your hand on the hilt. As soon as you hear me say 'begin', you
just draw it and bring it straight across your body as hard and fast as
you can, angled downwards. The tricky part is, at the same time, you
want to throw yourself to the ground on your left side. Your momentum
should carry you clear, and let you hit her once -- and that's all that
the match is to. You follow?"
It's very hard to angle a cut from out of a sheath
downwards. The mechanics of getting the sword out of the
sheath dictate that your hand has to be as far away from
your body as possible, which doesn't leave you any room to
go downwards. As well, if Keitaro angled his cut down *and*
dove for the ground, he'd hit the dirt.
I'd also suggest having Keitaro dive to his *right*, not to
his left. For one thing, that's a much more natural motion
when trying to draw a sword; the full extension needed to
get the sword out is hard to obtain if you're leaning into
the sword, and it also has the momentum of your body going
in the direction of the cut. As well, somewhat
counter-intuitively, it's safer to be moving *into* the cut
than away from it; Motoko would have time to change her
angle mid cut to follow Keitaro if he's moving in the same
direction of the cut, but she can't easily reverse the cut.
As well, if Keitaro were fast enough, he'd be able to dive
*under* her "scabbard" before she could get the sword out,
which would make it impossible for her to hit him.
I think about this sort of thing too much.
Sighing, Keitaro nodded, taking the cloth strap and putting it over his
shoulder. "I get the feeling I should start praying now," he muttered,
shaking his head.
Why a strap that goes over his shoulder? A sheathed katana
is just stuck through a belt.
Motoko put her hands on her hips, frowning, and called across the
distance, "What's this, Oe-sensei?"
"A demonstration," he replied, explaining the rules again for her
benefit quickly.
I'd drop the "again"; it suggests that he's explained it to
her once already. I'd also suggest puttign "quickly" before
"explaining," as it sounds more natural to me.
Once he had done so, Motoko nodded, taking up a stance within Keitaro's
reach, and sheathed her bokken in a loop of cloth at her side. Keitaro
swallowed, and put a hand on the hilt of his bokken, closing his eyes,
and waiting.
Again, the normal way to simulate sheating a sword with a
bokuto is to simply shove it through the ties of the hakama
(or the obi under the hakama, if you're wearing one).
Motoko frowned, and both waited until Ranma's signal to move. Both
combatants shot into motion the second that Ranma barked, "Begin!"
Motoko swiftly drew her sword, launching a blindingly fast slash across
Keitaro's midsection -- but the young man wasn't there to receive it.
The second she began to move, he'd already begun throwing himself to the
ground, away from the stroke, drawing his wooden blade and swinging it
in a motion too fast to be clumsy. The strike drove into Motoko's leg,
unbalancing her, and throwing her to the ground, stunned.
I'd suggest "just below her kneecap," or something a little
more precise.
"You underestimated him, and left yourself open. If this were real
swordplay, Keitaro would have taken your legs off just above the knees,
Motoko," Ranma explained. "Not because he's skilled, but because he's
doing something you don't expect. That's what I think I need to teach
you. How to deal with the unexpected."
Suggest dropping the "I think". Ranma is pretty confident
at this point.
The kendoka sighed, nodding, and offered Keitaro a hand up. He accepted
it hesitantly, climbing to his feet, and glanced at Ranma uncertainly.
"That makes sense, I guess," he said slowly.
Why is Keitaro speaking up here? The conversation doesn't
really involve him directly, and he's not showing the
exuberant enthusiasm you'd expect if he was just so
interested he had to break into the discussion.
"It'd be a great idea," Ranma assured him. "You picked up what I told
you to better than I thought you would -- I thought you'd just hit her
at the same time she hit you -- and learning has other benefits, too.
It'll improve your balance, your physical conditioning, and your
coordination."
I'd suggest dropping the "too" -- the first point Ranma made
isn't a benefit, it's just proof that Keitaro might have
some natural aptitude.
"And detract from his excuses to 'accidentally' be a pervert," Naru
teased from the sidelines.
Heh. This is a bit formal, though. Why not something like,
"Which means he won't have an excuse for 'accidentally'
being a pervert!"
Glancing behind him, to where Mitsune had raised a speculative eyebrow,
and Shinobu had finally stopped covering her eyes, Ranma said, "Okay,
how about this, then, Narusegawa-san -- I want you to knock me down."
I'd suggest, "Mitsune was raising a speculative eyebrow" --
as written, it seems a little passive to me.
Why is Ranma being so pushy about this, anyways? His major
focus is on teaching Motoko, Keitaro has already
volunteered to train up to be another sparring partner, and
Ranma plans to leave within three months anyways, which
isn't all that much time to train someone. Why is he so
intent on pressing Naru to train?
He snapped his head around in time to raise one hand, catching her
launched fist, and pulling on it. His other hand shot out, pressing into
her sternum as he pulled on her fist, guiding her in a gentle throw over
his head, and then setting her on the ground with the minimum possible
force. Naru found herself sitting on the dirt, her arm locked in Ranma's
vice-like grip. "Hey..." she mumbled. "How'd you do that?"
"There's more to defending yourself than just knowing how to throw a
punch," Ranma replied, releasing her hand, and turning to look at Mitsune.
Dumping someone on their rear and then turning to look at
someone else seems a bit cold. He should really, at the
least, check to make sure she's all right.
Shortly after the sun rose, shedding soft amber light across the field,
Ranma surveyed his assembled students.
Motoko was there, as expected, along with both Keitaro and Mitsune.
Narusegawa had passed on the opportunity to learn, as she already knew
what she had needed, but Shinobu and Suu had both elected to see what
they could learn. Keitaro could only guess at the other's reasons --
Mitsune liked the idea of being able to stay in shape, and probably just
to ogle Ranma, from what he could guess. Suu liked being near Motoko, or
Ranma, and this was what both of them were doing, so it seemed to make a
certain amount of sense. He wasn't certain what prompted Shinobu to
join, but hoped it wouldn't be too much for her.
Confusing P.O.V shift. First paragraph implies this is
going to be from Ranma's viewpoint, but the second sounds
like it's from Keitaro's.
She and Suu were both dressed in their school physical education
uniforms, while Mitsune wore track pants and a T-shirt. Motoko was
dressed in her standard garb, as was Ranma, while Keitaro was wearing an
older pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
This paragraph has an obligatory sort of feel to it, out
alone by itself. I'd suggest including these details in the
previous paragraph: "Motoko was there in her usual garb.
Just as expected, Keitaro and Mitsune were there, too, both
in T-shirts...." etc.
Ranma bowed to his class, and they bowed back to him. "Okay, for some
of you, this may be old news, and for some of you, this may be new...
but the first part of your lessons is going to be how to fall right."
Motoko nodded dubiously at that. "Some of you look like you already know
the basic idea, but learning how to fall correctly can save you from
being hurt in an accident, or how to save yourself some damage when you
get knocked down in combat."
Why is Motoko nodding dubiously? She should know this. If
she's nodding because she thinks she knows that already,
then it's not clear.
And so the lessons began....
It's a little trite, but I'd suggest ending off with a
sentence fragment from Ranma: "So, to start, kneel down and
put your arms like this...." The sentence you have strikes
me as a bit overdramatic.
Mitsune reminded him -- in many ways -- of Nabiki, but at the same,
seemed less mercenary... and sometimes more devious. The manager of the
inn was easy to get along with, and showed a surprising aptitude to
learn martial arts. Enough so that Ranma had asked if he'd had formal
training before. Keitaro explained that he hadn't, but the things that
had happened at the inn before he began training probably already honed
his reflexes. Not sure what else to teach, Ranma had begun demonstrating
Tai Chi to him.
Is the explanation for Keitaro's abilities Ranma's or
Keitaro's? If it's Keitaro's, it's awfully insightful for
him; if it's Ranma's, that needs to be made more clear.
I'm just going to say, right here, that I don't understand
why Ranma isn't teaching all of them Anything Goes (or his
own derivative thereof), and let it go at that.
Shinobu and Mitsune progressed at about the same rate, and Ranma had
decided to teach them Tai Chi, as well. Trying to teach multiple forms
of martial arts would just be confusing to everyone, after all. Shinobu
had shown a lot more strength than he had expected from such a small
girl, but he thought she could benefit from training to turn an
attacker's moves against themselves. Suu was difficult to teach, seeming
to shift whatever he tried to show her into a form similar to Savate...
but she was very good at it -- a lot better than he'd expected for
someone who had just started to learn.
That last sentence suffers from too many punctuation
transitions. I'd suggest: "Suu was difficult to teach,
seeming to shift whatever he tried to show her into a form
similar to Savate. She was very good at it, however -- a
lot better than he'd expected...."
By the way, presuming he started trying to teach her Tai Chi
(which the comment about not teaching multiple arts
suggest)... if you're doing it in a Savate-like way, there's
no way it can be called Tai Chi. (Arguably, that's true of
just about every art.) I'd suggest, "Suu was difficult to
teach, seeming to insist on doing something like Savate no
matter what he tried to show her."
He shook his head, banishing the distractions. Training would need to
take a back seat to studying for the exams, soon, though he wouldn't
drop it entirely. For the moment, however, he had work to do. "So," he
said, turning to one of the identical-looking members of the
construction crew, "we just need to get the water heater into place, all
of the rest of the plumbing is ready?"
I'd recommend "into place? All of the rest"
Also, since Ranma is apparently working, it's really unclear
why he'd been thinking about all this stuff. Some sort of
mnemonic cue at the beginning, like seeing Motoko practice
or something, would make it more natural.
"Exactly right," Taiso announced, rounding the corner of the view to
where Ranma stood, just outside of the bathing area. "We'll need to move
the water heater into location, of course, and that's going to require
something to move it across here without damaging the area. We'll
probably get a small crane in here in the next few... days...." Taiso
trailed off, as Ranma dashed over to the side of the huge metal water
heater, and hefted it over his head with only minor strain.
"Rounding the corner of the view" doesn't make a lot of
sense to me.
"Heh," Ranma gloated, tossing his completed answer sheet onto the table
before him. "There's my studying -- see you later, I'm going to get in
some practice with Noriyasu-san." Nodding at the other prospective
students, he jogged out of the room.
Keitaro took the dropped paper with a trembling hand, and compared it
to the key at his side, Naru watching him breathlessly. One question...
two... another....
You need a little more in the middle, there. Why are
Keitaro and Naru so excited? Even adding a simple, "That
was easy" to Ranma's dialogue would help.
Once finished, he swallowed, and set the answer key down. "Amazing," he
whispered.
Naru nodded in agreement, only managing to add, "Every single question...."
Another moment of silence filled the room, the two bowing their heads
in thought.
"How exactly did he finish high school with math this
terrible?"
Heh.
Naru frowned, considering things. Something here didn't add up...
Ranma's previous test scores, from what he had said, were better than
his latest performance. Did it tie in with the inn taking so long to
repair? While there were some visible differences, really, the inn
wasn't that much different from when they had started working. "Well,"
she temporized, "the hot water's been restored, but... that's a good
question."
Going from "the inn is taking a long time to repair" to
"Ranma's test scores are getting worse" and finding a
connection is an incredibly far-fetched leap of logic. This
is especially true since I have a really hard time accepting
what we eventually find out: that, somehow, spending time
with the construction crew has entirely skewed Ranma's
ability to do math. It's only plausible as a joke, and you
don't make enough of it for it to register as such. If
Ranma got two and a half to every math question, before and
for a while after this revelation, it might work.
Naru hesitated for a moment, then nodded, following Mitsune out to the
torn-up side-yard, where Ranma was sparring against Seta. Just as well,
she reflected, watching the two practice, that the yard was still not
repaired. The way the two of them were fighting, it would have gotten
ruined anyway. The fight ended in an apparent stalemate, Ranma shaking
his head, and Seta chuckling ruefully. "Heya, Narusegawa," he greeted,
nodding at her. "What brings you here, Mitsune? Want some more practice?"
I'd drop the sentence that starts "The way the two of them
were fighting," as it belabours the point. It's pretty
obvious why Naru would think that, and you make it clear
when you describe Seta and Motoko sparring.
Also, I'd suggest a smoother linking: "Just as Naru and
Mitsune got close, the two men broke away from each other,
having reached a stalemate; Ranma shaking...."
"Uh... yeah," Ranma replied hesitantly, as Motoko took over, sparring
with Seta behind him. He seemed oblivious to the fact that Motoko and
Seta were launching themselves at one-another in inhuman displays of
force just behind his back, occasional misses tearing up the turf, and
Motoko's techniques blasting narrowly to one side of him. "Taiso said
that, uh, the guys deserved a break for getting the water heater set up."
I'd suggest leaving the description of Motoko and Seta's
fight a little longer. The full description coming right on
the feels of the announcement that the fight had started
strikes me as a little odd.
Naru stepped forward, and asked, "Oe-san, can you give me the numbers
you used, and I can try the math?"
Suggest: "o I can try the math?"
Ranma obligingly explained the numbers to her, and she worked the
entire formula out on her own. "Was I right?" he asked anxiously.
Naru bit her lip. "Um... not... exactly," she said weakly. "The formula
you gave me is a trick... pretty much any numbers you put in will always
work out to just under two and a half weeks."
Ranma slumped, staring at the ground. "But... what reason would Taiso
have to lie?" he asked nervously. "And if that was wrong...." His eyes
widened in horror. "I blew the math questions, didn't I?"
This is part of where this joke falls apart from me. So
Ranma was given a wrong formula for calculating how long
work will take. This wouldn't affect, say, his ability to
do trignometry, or algebra, or calculus, or, in fact,
anything *other* than estimating how long work would tak.
Why is it messing up everything else?
"I think you should ask Keitaro about that," Mitsune interjected. "To
the Kanrinin-- Onwards!"
I don't think "onwards" should be capitalized.
Keitaro glanced up from his desk when the door slammed open, and leapt
backwards, reflexively yelping, "It was an accident! I swear!" Naru
blinked at that, as Keitaro stared around wildly, then calmed, frowning.
"Wait, what's going on?"
Two things. Drop the "reflexively" -- you're showing us
it's reflexive, you don't need to tell us. Secondly,
*someone* should react to Keitaro flipping out like this.
It would be entirely in character after this paragraph for,
say, Naru to growl, "I don't know, but I'm going to find
out," and then have Mitsune break in before a fight breaks
out, or something. As it is, I'm left hanging, expecting
just a little more.
Quickly, Mitsune explained what Ranma and Naru had done. Keitaro bowed
his head, thoughtful, then retrieved the ledger for the inn's finances,
along with a copy of the insurance policy.
"Well," he said after a moment, "they're getting paid by the hour, but
not by us. Um... it would look like they're trying to cheat the
insurance company, which will cover quite a bit more than they've
already been paid."
"Perhaps I gave my respect to you too soon, Oe," Motoko murmured.
"You've fallen in with thieves and scoundrels."
Or, you know, an ordinary average construction company.
"Hot water?" Shinobu managed, her only contribution to the conversation
so far. "Wait, insurance fraud? Auuugh! Sempai, are you going to call
the police?"
You know, I could be wrong, but this isn't insurance fraud.
Insurance fraud is filing for a claim which isn't valid --
saying, for example, that you had a stamp collection worth
millions of dollars that was stolen, or setting fire to your
own house and calling it an accident. Taiso and Co. aren't
doing anything illegal, such as shirking on materials, or
doing extra work without approval -- they're just taking
their own sweet time getting the job done, which is the time
honoured priviledge of men getting paid on an hourly basis
who aren't being properly supervised.
I can understand why Ranma is getting so upset about this,
because Taiso did lie to him. Everyone else's reaction
seems a bit... extreme to me. Maybe I'm just cynical.
The woods were silent, home to watchful eyes, and attentive ears. The
young man before the woods, angrily absorbed in his practice did not
notice the wood paying attention to him. He flowed from each form with
power, but far less grace than the watcher expected, striving to wear
himself down through the process of exhaustion, and rid himself of his
anger.
Suggest "did not notice the attention focused upon him," as
the first sentence explicitly seperates the watcher from the
woods. I'd also suggest "the young man in the clearing", as
"before the woods" is awkward.
Also, consider "as if striving," to make it more from the
watcher's POV, and dropping the comma of the final clause:
"process of exhaustion and rid himself".
Shinobu, nervous about the changes, but grateful for the return of hot
water -- laundry would be so much easier, now -- followed Ranma
hesitantly after he finished cleaning the baths. Everyone else except
Keitaro was comfortably soaking. Ranma lost the usual grace and elegance
she admired when he showed her Tai Chi, instead using motions that even
her newly trained eyes saw as clumsy.
What changes worry Shinobu?
The scene transition is awkward to me. I had to read this
twice to realize that this is supposed to be happening
during the previous practice scene, rather than in the
baths, or just outside them. You could make it a little
more clear by saying "Shinobu had followed Ranma out after
he cleaned the baths, and now watched as he ripped through
his forms" or something.
That was when it happened. He turned to look at her, and time seemed to
slow down, the woods behind him disgorging a fleeting creature of
shadow, moving too quickly for her to make out. Much like Happosai, but
significantly larger. It blurred towards Ranma, who was facing the wrong
way to defend himself, and Shinobu's eyes caught the glints of steel,
sharpened and upraised, descending towards the unsuspecting martial artist.
"glint of steel"
The third sentence is a fragment, which may or may not
bother you.
How can Shinobu tell it was sharpened?
And the watcher didn't wait very long, did she?
She shrieked in panic, eyes widening in terror as the mass of steel
descended upon him, and he turned around in time to catch the blade with
a resounding 'Whang!' noise on the side of his head. The force slammed
him to the ground, where he slid all the way to her feet.... Wait.
Blades didn't make noises like a shovel smacking someone upside the head.
"Mass of steel" is a blunt sort of term. It fits
Ukyou's spatula, but not, for example, a sword. It jars
with the image you're trying to present up to this point.
Swallowing nervously, she stepped across Ranma's prone form, slipping
into her Tai Chi stance. "Who are you?" she asked, her voice quavering
much more than she wanted it to, while she studied her opponent. The
blur had stopped moving, and Shinobu beheld a young woman, probably
about Ranma's own age, with long chestnut hair. She wore blue tights and
a jacket, her hair bound with a white ribbon that waved playfully in the
gentle breeze. In her hands she carried -- of all things -- a massive
metal spatula, with an indentation approximating the profile of Ranma's
head curving it.
Suggest "a Tai Chi stance." I'd also drop "curving it", as
that's redundant with "indentation" (or used "embedded in it").
"Sorry?" she fumed, turning to look back at the spatula she had dropped
when she charged past Ranma. "That all you can say? I spent ten years of
my life chasing after you, Saotome, and then most of another year trying
to get your attention, and now another, what, four nearly five years
chasing after you _again_, and all you can say is 'sorry'?" She affixed
him with a dire gaze, and he shrank away a step.
"Um, I'm really sorry?" he asked meekly.
Heh.
"Eh... well, yeah," he said, shrugging uncomfortably. "Um, Ukyou,
before we go on, I gotta tell you... my name's not Saotome anymore. It's
Oe. I'm now Oe Ranma."
Last sentence is a bit redundant.
"I'm guessing it's about the engagement," Ranma said slowly. Shinobu
felt faint at the proclamation -- it explained so much! Ranma was
engaged to a dangerous ninja-woman!
"Ah!" Shinobu exclaimed. "So that's why you became gay!"
A moment of absolute silence took hold of the small clearing, Ukyou
blinking, then taking a half-step back, and eyeing Ranma up and down
before it passed.
"Not again," Ranma groaned, smacking his forehead.
Heh again.
"I see," she said, smiling softly. "Don't sweat it, Ranchan. It's been
too many years -- I had to figure out a long time ago what we wanted...
and if you ran away from the engagement, I figured that wasn't what you
wanted, anyway."
This doesn't quite make a lot of sense to me. I get the
gist, but the components don't make any sense, if you know
what I mean. It would probably be justified to spend a
little more time explaining why Ukyou's given up -- if not
here, then she can say, "we should talk about this later."
"Hmm," Ukyou mused. "I wasn't hunting you down, Ranma. I was just
passing through the area, and heard someone mention you. So... I've got
my revenge." She hefted the spatula, eyeing the likeness impressed into
its surface. "Should make my dad happy, anyway. And... what he doesn't
know doesn't hurt him."
What won't her dad know?
"Ah, stick with it -- you'll understand in time," Ukyou encouraged her.
"You've been training for, what a year? Maybe two?"
"for, what, a year?"
It was, Shinobu decided, amazing. A ninja that made okonomiyaki. Who
would have thought? "I was afraid at first that you'd be like the first
person that came to visit Ranma," Shinobu admitted, blinking at her
meal. The sauce across the top had been delicately brushed there, a fair
likeness of herself -- smiling -- while in a Tai Chi stance, with her
name at the side. In hiragana, as Ukyou wouldn't have known the correct
kanji, but still.... "This is really good!" she exclaimed, after taking
a bite.
"couldn't know" or "didn't know" instead of "wouldn't have
known", I think.
"Ooh, well, that's half of it," Ukyou encouraged. "If you get the legal
side of teaching taken care of, you'll be able to teach in a dojo
professionally."
I'm not sure what Ukyou is referring to with "legal side of teaching."
Mitsune watched intently, saying nothing for the moment.
I'd suggest either dropping the last clause, or using "but
said nothing." We know she isn't speaking, because there's
no dialogue, so the only reason to mention it is if you want
to emphasize that she *wants* to speak.
"Not if I can help it," he said dryly. "I'm going to do the dishes, and
then use the hot springs." He paused for a moment, surveying the other
tenants to assure that they understood what he meant, and that they
wouldn't walk in on him.
The last sentence strikes me as a little much -- a subtler
way of spelling it out would strike me as better. Maybe,
"He paused for a moment, pointedly eyeing the girls."
Once he had finished the dishes, Keitaro sighed, glancing behind him.
All of the girls were gone, once the meal was over, but that wasn't what
concerned him at the moment... what worried him was the construction
crew. He knew that Ranma was strong, fast, and a good martial artist. He
wasn't, however, certain that it would be a good idea for Ranma to
confront the construction workers alone.
They were large, burly, and there were dozens of them. Ranma himself
wasn't perfect, as his failure to defeat Motoko at kendo had
demonstrated. Not only that, he mused on his way to the hot spring, they
could damage the inn itself. Or refuse to work on it further. When he
considered it, he wondered if maybe he should confront the workers himself.
But, he realized as he tossed his clothes into a hamper and strolled
into the bathing area itself, how would he explain that he knew? He only
knew now because Ranma and Naru had figured it out -- from the
information he was supposed to know, everything was slowed due to
legitimate holdups. "Seta-san was right," he grumbled. "There is
intrigue involved."
Okay. Again, I don't understand why such a big deal is
being made out of this. Keitaro is entirely within his
rights to complain about how long things are taking, and to
insist they work faster. After all, he knows that they left
early after the water heater was installed for no good
reason, which ought to be more than justification enough;
and waiting for equipment is never justified, since it
should have been booked in advance. And if Ranma and Naru
had figured out, why couldn't he have?
Additionally, why is Keitaro worried about a fight breaking
out? Most of my family regularly complains to craftsmen
when things take too long to repair, and no fistfights have
broken out yet. If Keitaro was worried about Ranma picking
a fight, that would be one thing, but it reads like he's
worried that Ranma will stand up and say "Confess thine evil
ways, Construction Workers of Foul Procrastionation," and
they'll all jump him like extras in a pirate movie.
Letting Ranma deal with it is entirely within Keitaro's
character, since he likes to avoid conflict himself. All
this worrying would be in character, too, if he was more
emotional and frantic about it. But this reasoning comes
across as careful, logical thinking, and that doesn't fit
Keitaro or the situation.
"Eh, we replaced the plumbing up to this point," Ranma answered
distantly, adjusting his towel as Keitaro came into view, and sat in the
hot water nearby. "The pipes are better insulated... the last ones in
the house are supposed to be taken care of next week -- the next phase
of repairs is going to make it really hard to live in the inn for a
while. You might want to have people change rooms for a day or so, so
the workers can finish it faster."
"as Keitaro came into view and sat in" With the comma, it's
Ranma who sits.
"You...." Keitaro trailed off, considering. Why not trust Ranma? He was
good for his word, as he had demonstrated. He defeated Happosai, as he'd
said he would. He'd found Motoko, as promised. Why not trust him to deal
with the workers? "Yeah, that'll be nice," he said, instead of asking if
Ranma was certain. "The inn will look nice and new... and we won't have
all those piles of equipment in the yard."
Drop the "instead of" -- it's implied by everything else.
Tamago nodded in the water, making another happy chirp.
"Traitor," Keitaro grumped, removing his glasses, and setting them on
the floating turtle while he settled in for a nice long soak.
Heh.
Carefully wrapping the package in the last bit of parcel paper, Ukyou
gave a nod, and then sealed it with twine. She'd carry it back home with
her instead of mailing it, given the relative importance of the entire
thing. Well enough, she mused, falling to the futon on the floor of her
rented room in the small hotel.
What is the package?
"Ranma," she murmured aloud. All those years.... She'd finally given up
on finding him again, until a random comment from someone near one of
the building sites she had been looking at mentioned a young man with an
incredible penchant for attracting troubles. A cautious question or two
had revealed that there was, in fact, a girl matching the description of
Ranma's girl side.
Uh, lost me there. There was a girl where? I'm assuming
she heard about Keitaro, started asking, and then found out
about the girl's dorm and Ranma living there, but that
should be made clear.
Sighing, she looked up, frowning as someone knocked on her door. She
climbed to her feet, checking her robe to make sure she was adequately
covered before opening the door, and not entirely surprised to find
Mitsune standing there, grinning nervously. "Heya," she greeted, waving
at Ukyou.
Major run-on sentence there. "Climbing to her feet,
she checked her robe to make sure she was adequately covered
before opening the door. She was not entirely surprised...."
"Easy!" Mitsune exclaimed, grinning. "He told me that something
happened that made him leave -- I don't know what, but I'm guessing it's
_really_ personal to him. When that happened, he met Kintaro Oe, who
legally adopted him as a younger brother, and the two traveled together
while Ranma studied for Toudai."
Oe Kintaro. You've been using Japanese name order.
Ranma shifted his shoulders uncomfortably, and stared at his teacup.
Ukyou had come by to visit him, and he'd wanted to talk with her. On a
hunch, he'd gone to Haruka's teashop, suspecting that the woman was more
easily than capable of thwarting eavesdroppers than the manager of
another teashop might be. It was also much cheaper, but that was
incidental. "Maybe," he finally admitted, straightening up and smiling
faintly. "I don't feel that different."
"more easily than capable" is probably supposed to be
"more capable"
"That doesn't explain...." She trailed off, biting her lip. "So, what
did happen to the dojo? And, where's your sister?"
"And where's"
Ranma's actions were explained, if not justified. And more importantly,
he was watching over Shinobu with genuine concern, not something else.
Something that would have worried her. She listened to the story
continue between wracking sobs, carefully keeping her expressions
neutral, and pretending to be absorbed in the trashy romance novel in
her hands. Neither Ukyou nor Ranma noticed when she quietly reversed the
'open' sign on the door.
Whoa, what? Which actions were justified? And where does
Ranma spend an excessive amount of time watching Shinobu,
especially in such a way that would get Haruka worried? And
how does hearing that Ranma accidentally blew up Kasumi help
resolve those concerns?
His last vision was of the manager's final attack, and then everything
began to grow dim, the manager's form laughing darkly as he incinerated
Ranma's body with a stray bolt of ki. A deep voice announced, "NIFTY
combo!" and Ranma fell out of his seat.
"I hate video games," he grumbled, handing his controller to Suu.
This was kind of obvious, mostly because the initial
dialogue was so blatantly not Ranma and Keitaro. It's a
good joke, but it fell a bit flat.
Keitaro nodded, his brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to win
against Suu, who wasn't actually pressing buttons -- she was gnawing on
the controller, though her strategy was granting her a clear victory. He
watched for a moment longer, until he spied Naru walking down the
hallway, wearing her glasses and frowning at a study guide.
Nice touch with Suu.
A man wearing a coat with the inn's logo on the front greeted him,
smiling. "Hello, can I help you?"
"I'm here to see Kuonji Ukyou," he explained. The man nodded, motioning
him to wait, and then vanishing around a corner. In short order, he
returned, and again motioned at Ranma -- this time to follow him. Ranma
trailed after obligingly, nodding to the man when Ukyou greeted him at
her door with a wink.
This might work better if you used "waved at Ranma."
"I can only guess," she admitted. "Listen, sugar... I... have to decide
where I'm going to set up shop for my father. He wants me to pick a spot
around here, since okonomiyaki appeals to the college crowd, and it's
kinda close to Todai." She bit her lip, staring at the papers. "I...
don't know if that'd be a great idea, though... so I think I'm going to
pick a spot near the college... but not so close as I'll be in your
way." She winked at him. "Still close enough you can drop by if you want
someone to talk to, though. Sound good?"
I thought she wanted to move south to open her shop?
The kendoka shot Mitsune a look of what might have been annoyance, then
nodded. "I have more than a passing interest in seeing what exactly
Ranma does about this," she admitted.
"And aren't you worried he'll see you?" Mitsune asked, raising an eyebrow.
"He shouldn't be able to notice us up here -- the tree branches obscure
us from him, mostly," Keitaro offered.
If they can see Ranma, why can't he see them? And, more
importantly, why would he care if they watched?
Eventually, it changed, and Ranma said something, stepping through toe
crowd to stand before Taiso. "Oe says he has issues he wants to discuss
with Taiso," Motoko murmured, furrowing her brow.
I'm guessing it should be "stepping through the crowd"
"Shouldn't you be at school?" Motoko asked, glancing over her shoulder.
"Oe is making a challenge against Taiso--"
Perhaps, "Oe is challenging Taiso"?
Naru frowned at that, shaking her head. "Something doesn't seem right,"
she mumbled.
I have no idea what prompted Naru to say that. Or what she means.
"Will you make up your minds?" Mitsune snapped. "Are we mourning or
cheering, already?"
Heh. The whole Mitsune bit was done well.
"Hmm," Motoko noised, tearing off her kendo outfit. Everyone stared,
shocked, as she was wearing a pair of jeans and a comfortable looking
short-sleeved shirt beneath. "His word of honor stated... that he would
work without their help." She smiled faintly. "They said nothing of
mine." With that she bounded away, landing at Ranma's side on the rooftop.
There's no need for the ellipsis in Motoko's dialogue.
This is a bit nitpicky, but the outfit you've described
Motoko wearing would probably show under her normal garb
(not to mention be insufferably hot). I think you want to
put it as "stared, shocked, as a pair of jeans and a
short-sleeved shirt were somehow revealed" or somethign --
that is, make the explanation less prosaic.
"Um...."
"That's good," Naru encouraged Mitsune, winking.
"I knew that."
Heh.
"Easily adjusted," Motoko reasoned, her sword flashing. The ends of the
beam fell off, Keitaro scrabbling to catch the new end again, though it
was sized and shaped appropriately.
"end of the beam fell off," I suspect.
Sighing, Keitaro nodded, quickly donning gloves, and doing as Ranma
instructed. In short order, the insulation around the rotten timber was
replaced. Suu and Mitsune, recovered from their break, resumed leading
the way, as the others swiftly replaced the tiles again.
"quickly donning gloves and doing as"
The others offered their own tired thanks, before Shinobu took the
empty collection of glasses down from the roof. "Just tile from here
on," Ranma reasoned, staggering to his feet, and shaking his head.
"Whenever you guys are ready."
I think "Ranma noted" or "Ranma observed" would be better --
there's no logical process involved in Ranma's statement.
"Ten minutes to go," Keitaro gasped, Suu and Mitsune already done
removing bad tiles, and laying in a heap on the newly replaced roofing.
Break that sentence up like a roof tile, baby! "Keitaro
gasped. Suu and Mitsune had already finished removing..."
Motoko laughed quietly again -- almost a giggle. "I... wanted to find
something that was not so demeaning as my sister suggested... but still
comfortable."
"as what my sister suggested"
"Whatever it was, you proved you got heart, kid," Taiso admitted,
shrugging again. "That's what matters. You're off the crew -- I'll give
you two weeks of severance. My boys will come back tomorrow, and we'll
be done before two weeks. For real, this time."
Can you spell "wrongful dismissal"?
Okay. Overall, I liked this chapter. The best parts, by
far, with the parts with Ukyou, who is by far and away the
cheeriest character to show up in this series. The last
half of the chapter in particular was very good; the
flashback was done well, the race to finish the roof was
well-paced, and the scene between Motoko and Ranma at the
end was done well.
DitR Ranma is now actually starting to feel fully-fleshed as
a character to me, which is good.
This chapter feels a bit more light-hearted to me than most
of the previous chapters, which is good; but some of the
humour you're including (Motoko tearing off her clothes to
reveal new clothing, Ranma being exposed to Evil
Construction Worker Math and losing his ability to do
arithmetic) are a bit too slapstick for the tone you've
established. (Other bits, mostly having to do with
witticisms, are great.) That's a line you'll need to watch.
And there you go. I'll try to get the next chapter done by,
oh, the time you're up to chapter twenty.
All my two and a half cents (no, wait! Damn you, Evil
Construction Worker Math!),
Bjorn