VERY short remarks.

Not very short, but I do appreciate them.

Good story over all. some very nice dialogue/narrative smoothly done.
BUT - -

Thank you.

1)don't write large chunks of exposition/description such as :

This is more a result of style.  I've read a novels that do insert
exposition into the narratives, and I've read novels that have so little
exposition you're wondering WTF is going on.  A lot of my inspiration
comes from writers like David Weber and Tom Clancy, who do insert
explanations of what's happening.  On the other hand, I have read (or at
least tried to read) stories by authors that don't feel the need to tell
the readers about the original, dynamic, and complex worlds where they
set their stories.  I've always felt the latter is to be avoided at all
costs.
 

2) " . . .It was only seconds between Hayes cutting off and the rushing
of air being cut off in a huge, jarring rumble that nearly sent the Veritechs  to the floor.  Artificial gravity cut out and Tenchi felt momentum press down . . ."

Cutting, cut off, cut out . . .

the author's knife must be getting pretty dull about now. ^_*
seriously, go through your manuscript and LOOK for things like this. It
really breaks the flow of the narrative.

Actually, I was thinking more of just needed a better thesaurus.  I
hadn't noticed how bad that paragraph was.  Thanks.

3) A nifty "free demo" from
http://www.x-plane.com/

[snip]

If nothing else, it's useful for keeping the cockpit layout straight while writing.
For example . . .are the Transformation controls from flight to guardian mode  on the right side or the left?

IMO if you've got the layout in front of you, it's easier to keep it straight. (And you can have the fun of flying your Veritech through a thunder storm and seeing how it handles)

Considering the number of times the cockpit layouts change between
scenes in the anime (I have three different pictures just for a Jet mode
Veritech), I try to leave details like that fuzzy.  As for the flight
sim, I'll check it out.  My preferred source is more the 'action sims'
like Crimson Skies, Wing Commander, and the X-wing series (the recent
Robotech game was a little light on physics), where (like good space
opera) they don't let physics get in the way of the action or the
story.  Yes, I am trying for a degree of realism not found in the source
material (see the exposition), but there comes a point where attention
to detail becomes too much.

The story has promise, but it needs a little tweaking.
Hope this has helped a little.
Good luck.

Again, thank you.  And thanks for the links.

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'