"Andrew M. Petalik" <wolf@magma.ca> writes:
Flying through the air, Mousse wondered where he might land this time.
Shampoo tended to put him in water. Whether it was a pond or a drinking
glass, he invariably got wet... or so Shampoo and Cologne thought.
So it seems that you're highlighting that he has opportunities as a
human when Cologne and Shampoo thinks he's helpless as a duck. But
then you don't do anything with it! He lands, he pays someone to throw
some water on him, and he flies back.
And why is he trying to get Shampoo to hate him? Wouldn't that
endanger his mission, or make his time spent around her even more
unpleasant? (Possibly answers there, but in a short one-shot, you might
not want to bring up the issue).
The story as is is framed as an unnamed narrator telling the truth
about the Nerima situation; unfortunately, that means the story,
although well-written, is somewhat flat.
Recasting it to have some dialogue and interaction would spice it up
quite a bit; you wouldn't even have to change it very much if you made
it so the details came out when Mousse had internal dialogue with
himself, or had a flashback to when he was first ordered to Japan.
A larger change could have Mousse receive a message from home after he
lands and before he flies back, or Mousse could be shown setting the
scene for a failed Shampoo/Ranma interaction.
Just my suggestions, of course.