Subject: [FFML] Re: [Hellsing][xover][fanfic] The League: Gathering
From: allynyonge0000@netscape.net (allyn yonge)
Date: 2/11/2003, 3:52 PM
To: menard5078@rogers.com ("Dave Menard"), ffml@anifics.com ("FFML Posting")


A few ad hoc comments:

1) Purple bordering on ultra-violet prose at the start.

2)stylistically it reminds me of AC Doyle's Sherlock Holmes or
a 30's pulp novel. I like that style, but to carry it off you need to add
MORE detail. For example, in describing
the men's club as Edwardian you need physical details, like 'spindle armed oak 

chair"- -

 But more importantly you need sight, sound, texture, etc that 
give a _feel_ for the period. Edwardian was a transitional period
and had a mix of styles (Medieval and Georgian, for example) and
the underlying themes were expensive simplicity (VERY expensive)
sunshine and MUCH lighter colours than the preceding Victorian
period.

Little details mean a lot:
EXAMPLE: Port & Cigars are another way to increase the 'feel' for
both locations and character. For instance, Port is traditionally served
in a _clockwise_ manner by the host, so you might have your host
serve it anti-clockwise with a mention that this is an affection or
a signal that there are large troubles in store. Details that add depth to
the characters and story in an unobtrusive manner.

DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS. Many may never make it into
the story, but they are important in helping YOU the author build
believable characters. 


Some URL's giving the sort of information I'm talking about:

 http://www.fashion-era.com/the_mood_of_edwardian_society.htm
http://www.cigaraficionado.com/Cigar/Aficionado/faq7.html

3)A "Royal Decree" is not the same as a 'writ". There are problems
with simply having the "RD" simply disavowed. Making it retroactive
is even worse. Kings (and Queens) can't simply disavow a decree. It
weakens their own power. Even if they don't LIKE a decree and it's
consequences somewhere down the line, they can't simply wish it 
away without undermining their own authority.  And doing it 
retroactively? The entire legal system and all royal authority goes
down the drain if people get the idea that no matter what the law
is today, it can be something else tomorrow.

 I'm NOT saying you can't
do this in a story or that it hasn't happened in real life (early Japan didn't
publish laws, on the theory that if the public didn't KNOW what the
law was, they'd be less likely to try to get around it. And it worked to
a degree. People were often afraid to do anything for fear of breaking
a law they didn't know about. It worked, but made for a rather 'conservative'
society by Western standards)

In your story, a fairly easy work-around (keeping within 'standard' English legal
systems) would be to have the 'Crown' decide that Helsing had violated or acted
outside the bounds of the RD. (That's how they got William Kidd for piracy)

For example: "Yes you had a Royal Decree authorizing you to kill Hell Spawn.
However you weren't using department issue holy water and therefore
everything you did was extra-legal and not covered by the Decree."

There are a LOT of examples like that on the web or in the library. I'd
look around British/Commonwealth sites for modern examples. Otherwise
Victorian era BE, especially India will give good examples of legal pettifoggery. 

4)VERY good segue with "lady Croft" in the wheel chair.
I'm not too sure about calling her "Lady Croft" as it's too close
in sound to "Laura" and I found it confusing. 
Glock is NOT a hand cannon. Desert Eagle .50AE, Casul .60
or Barrett .50BMG . . . THOSE are hand cannons.

5)An *excellent* paragraph starting with "You'd best
watch that Miss Victoria . . ."Dialogue, Narrative, pacing
all just as they should be. First rate writing.
and the "bloody hell" about being drafted fit perfectly. 
 

Overall: it's uneven. Some really first rate dialogue/narrative interspersed 
with less good stuff. I like the style you've chosen, but to make it work
you're going to have to do a lot more work on bringing things to life.
more back-story may help. Lots of little details to add life
to the world you're building. The *voice* of the story (and the actors)
isn't *quite* right. It all feels just a bit off, in terms of sounding
 like British government officials in a gentleman's club, for example.
Again, it's a matter of adding some subtle detail work, polishing rather
than re-writing. 

I hope this has been helpful. I'll be glad to go into more detail if you
wish.


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