Hello Allyn,

Phew, just finished reading this. Not bad for starting it yesterday after work...

As before, anything here should be taken with a grain of salt. BTW, I'm reposting the same email I sent last night in addition to new C&C based on the revised version you sent me. 

On with the show:


You have Kounou spelled as Kounou a few times when he first comes on the scene.

Quite a few it's instead of its...

"I was not----would you cut that out!" She tried to bat
Nabiki's hands away as her middle sister came toward her
with a thermometer. "There's nothing wrong myth my tlmptr."
she mumbled around the plastic probe. 

Actually, in Japan, they take your temperature by sticking the thermometer under your armpit...

He'd
been afraid he'd lost him when they changed trains at
Ouokayama, but the maniac was still with him. He relaxed

Admittedly, I'm not that fluent in Japan's geography, but I have lived in Osaka for the last ten 
months... so-
A> I believe it's Okayama, not sure about Oukayama(unless it's a different prefecture/city). 
Wakayama is south/east of Osaka, but still about 2 hours from Tokyo by shinkansen.
and B> Okayama is West of Osaka...which is three hours from Toukyou by bullet train.  Ranma'd have 
to be moving pretty fast to get that far...

that . . . Ukyo'd have to decided to stick with the ship for

have to decide

"Yes Captain." Choe gripped the rubber coated

Yes, Captain.

"You're not takin' this damn Chosen-jin anywhere!" 

You've used extended romanization everywhere else, so this should be Chousen-jin/Cyousen-jin... 
though I've only heard Kankoku-Jin used before.

"Oh well, I guess I'll wait until Ranma get's back and see if 
he's got the

gets back

Kasumi felt a little guilty for sending her to Kyoutou for a
special tea blend. 

I think you don't need the second u when extending the romanization of Kyouto.  Half the Kyoto-jin 
just pronounce it "Kyot" anyway, which surprised me as katakana speech usually adds vowels to words. 
Salada, ando, buto.

Yeah, cause that's not far from Nerima... Speaking of, I went to Nerima in November! :) Got pictures 
of the train station, a canal, high school and a house that'd been demolished and was under 
construction. Whee!

"Isn't there _anything_ leaving today?" Kuonji Ukyo

Ukyou?  I'm trying to remember how consistant you've been about this extended romanization thing.  
Personally, I'd lose the extended Us... All the romanized signs I've seen around in Tokyo, Osaka and elsewhere either leave off the U or usually spell the Os with lines over them. Can't really do that with ascii, however. Up to you though.

"No, tomorrow will be fine." Better to loose the couple

lose 

Kuno's hospital room.

"Kuno-san," the big man wiped his balding head with

You had Kunou before...

"You're just going to have to let Nabiki beat up on her 
own boyfriends."

boyfriends?

"B...b...boyfriend?" Ukyo stuttered in horror.

"I dunno," Nabiki said doubtfully, "I think I can do
better."

and heh, this had me LOL

Best of all, they didn't . . .like the Japanese.

This might go better if you set like apart.  they didn't ...like... the Japanese.  From what I've 
seen in my classes, quite a few of my Japanese students are blatently racist...but don't really seem 
to think about it.  

It's disconcerting, to say the least, especially for my Asian friends who have students just say blankly things like, "oh, I hate the Chinese." even though my friend just said, "I'm Asian, but not Japanese."

She'd fix a nice sweet for her, mashed sweet-potato
with chestnuts or maybe pancakes with sweet-bean filling?

Kinda like the extended romanization, I'm not sure about the use (or non-use) of Japanese here. It 
seems quite random, the Japanese words you use... You used five words in Japanese and five in 
English... there's no real consistancy.

On another note, I wanna say use Anko for sweet-bean, or have Akane make a mistake and use Unko(sh!t) something she'd never do but it _was_ funny when my friend tried to order it at the convenience 
store. 

"Unko, futatsu, onegaishimasu."

"Eh?!"

"ANKO! ANKO!"

"Where is he from? What are his hobbies? Do you
even know his blood type?"

"I'm American, my blood type is red.  I think."

"Boy's Middle Division  is in building two-west."

Extra space after division.

He wouldn't teach her, but she peeked
through the door  when 'neesama was doing kata 

extra space after door.
doing a kata

She shrugged and carefully printed her name at the top,  filling out
the parts she understood and guessing at the rest. 

extra space before filling... I'm beginning to think they're just problems with Word, so I'll stop 

pointing them out.

I . . .Okay, he's trying." 

don't think Okay needs to be capitalized.

Ranko flopped down on the bed, beside Akane,
watching as Nabiki's colour deepened to a rich puce.

Have you been using British spelling this whole time?  It would go with the extended romanization
....

"You're sister doesn't trust me," Ranko grinned at
Nabiki, "she think's I have designs on your virtue." 

Your sister... she thinks

"Where do you keep the - -" opening the refrigerator Ranko
started rooting around inside. " - - never mind.".  

extra period after mind.".

"magnificent castle and all your land and wealth."she pulled

believe that should be- wealth." She pulled

So you're going to eat this if I have to suff it in your ear."

stuff

"I like okonomoyaki best of all, Pop." Ranko muttered.

Hmm, harkening back to Ukyo?

tossed the lump into the air. At it's apex there was a flash of
light and the stony material exploded in a cloud of dust.

At its apex

    "Ummmm . . ." Ranma, watching silently from the
sidelines  while Akane went through her repitoir of attacks,

repertoire 

   The scarf continued it's maddening, endless journey,
like a thousand butterfly kisses across her breasts and belly.

its

doorway, long cape swirling around her ankles, huge two-
hand flamebard clenched in one steel gauntleted hand,

You use flame-bard in the next paragraph so I'm not sure which is correct now.

power. "Knight protector of the Lady Kasumi, last of the
Temple Knights," her teeth bared in a snarl, "and your

Should that be Templar Knights?

    The pretty one's were always selfish, though. They
expected a woman to give up her carrier, her life, _, just_ to

her life, _just_ to

fulminating look. "Hmmmm . . .does that mean Yendou
Nabiki has a secret homemaker fetish?"

Yendou(gh)? Is this a pun or a typo?

    Ukyou hit the top stair to see Nabik framed in the
doorway to her father's room. His hand went to the hilt of his

Nabiki

not standing in the middle of the wreckage of Tednou
Souun's room.

Who is Tednou?

sometimes she felt bad too. Sometimes she was lonely.

*sniffle*

Feeling very sorry for herself, Naibki wept a little.

Nabiki

side of Nabiki's face was swollen to nearly twice it's normal
size, and she was alarmingly still, her breathing fast and

twice its

man snapped sarcastically, eying the young girl in the ill fitting
mismatched clothing distastefully, "but this is not a televison

television

    "I feel kinda sorry for Kunou-senpai" Norkio
muttered, wincing as the swinging doors banged against the

Noriko

reached for him. From the callouses on his hands Ranma
pegged him as a Karate man, and not a very good one. The

calluses

Teaching these sangokujin who have again and
again committed atrocious crimes against sacred Nippon." He

sangokujin? three countries' people?  You set off jin with a dash earlier: sangoku-jin

"Oneesan isn't a martial artist. She doesn't know how
to fall or to throw a punch or . . . you didn't need to - -

She did alright against Ukyou-chan...

    Kunou glared at Akane. "Return home and tell your
father and sisters to prepare themselves for judgement."

judgment

    Holding his bokken lightly, hilt just above his waist,
Kunno eyed his opponent for a moment, then moved like a

Kunou

lips and  slightly mad eyes, then down at his senpai, who
resembled a package of hamburger past it's expiration date

its

The flourescent ocean-scape that rippled across the

fluorescent

shifted in the bed, his thigh accidently brushed her leg and she
could feel the heat of his body through the thin silk of his

accidentally

    "I don't have to - - -just get on with it Akane
snapped." glaring at him fiercely.  

it," Akane snapped

straighten her bowed body. Tiny flakes of ceiling tile flaked
off and fell like snow as a mere reenforced concrete wall 

reinforced.  Pshaw, it's just concrete n rebar...

deadpanned, then sighed when Ukyou just stared at her. Only
her second bilingual pun ever and no one around to appreciate

I've tried those, no one gets them.  Actually tried a trilingual one once too...

dressed in a faded and work-stained samue or work-robe,
rose from where he was seated on a low stool.

You haven't been explaining the Japanese before...why this time?

"And that's why I'm off to Tokyo," Genma said

You've been adding the extra U, so it should be Toukyou for consistancy.

a row of the gambling machines, surrounded by a cluster of
sallarymen, all of whom were devouring sweets and sake as

salary men

     "Uhhh . . .that's nice." Rnama said noncommitally,
wondering what he'd missed while he'd been daydreaming.

noncomittally

    "Think you're bettern' me?" Hawking a blob of
phlegm at a well dressed sallaryman just leaving Shinjuku

salary man

why half a company of Russian light infantry were remaining
with the Amazon's, rather than returning to Russia, had taxed

Amazons

    Shanking with anger as he recalled what his mother
had done, he could hardly speak. "Filthy whore. She was

I don't think shanking is the word you want here.

There was an undefinable emotion in her eyes as she looked
briefly into Ranko/ Ranma's eyes, before crossing the distance

indefinable

    "The goddamned nag didn't even place." Nodaka
remarked brightly, repeating without understanding, Genma's

Nodoka

    "Ominous Cloud?" Akane replaced Shunranko at her
breast, wereupon the infant latched on limpet-like, feeding

whereupon

    "It's NOT alright!" Nabiki fumed. "Instead of a profit,
we're going to _lose_ probably five hundred-thousand Yen.

Nabiki really does love money if she's capitalizing Yen.
You've got Yen in caps later, too.

    He finally solved this problem by renting a parking
space from a resident, for twice it's purchase value, then giving

its

ticket." She raised an eyebrow as Nabiki snatched the envelope
and it's contents from her hand.

Ditto.

    "Well, Oregon _is_ about the size of Hokkaidou,"
Genma said, looking at the guide book. "And they've got
forty-nine other prefectures."

Heh, this made me laugh.  Especially since my "prefecture" is about 3.5 times bigger than Japan.

was afraid. Weak. I can't.be weak anymore. Not again. Not
and live with myself."

can't be

    "Ahhhh . . ." Akane seemed taken aback for a moment,
then came to a decision. No sacrifice was too great for her big
sister. Even . . . "she reached into an apron pocket for The

don't need the quotes before "she reached


Good story overall, I'm not exactly sure what to think about the end.  Things seemed to fall into place a little too easily.  Genma goes from Mr. Psycho, I'm gonna kill your daughter, to Granpa G... I understand the whole "keep your friends close and enemies closer" thing, but it just seemed like he changed heart a bit too easily.  Ranma too; three years is a huge chunk of time, I assumed he went to China looking for a cure-- I think I have to reread it because I thought after pinning Genma, he'd left the loot just out of reach.  

Kasumi was using bifocals, Nabiki was using a cane from her, I assume mostly healed but still causes pain, vertebra damage...

Sorry if this isn't very coherant.  Overall, entertaining read, thanks for your hard work Allyn.
Warr
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I refuse to star in your psychodrama. 


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'