In lieu of my usual disclaimer, I'll borrow from more authoritative sources (slightly modified):

McIntyre's First Law: "Under the right circumstances, anything I tell 
you may be wrong." 
O'Brien's First Corollary to McIntyre's First Law: "I don't know
 what the right circumstances are, either."

From:
Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/


I'm only going to make a few general observations. Take what you find useful, please ignore the rest.

1)some of your dialogue is VERY funny.
2)There is a lack of narrative/description.  Mostly disembodied voiced speaking in a void. 
3)You're TELLING the story, rather than showing. Some large chunks of exposition, especially at the start.

HOWEVER:
I _think_ you're trying to do a sort of "Hitch Hikers Guide to Nerima" story.
If so, you've made a good start. BUT, IMO, this sort of story is more dependent  on pacing/timing of story and exact word choice than any other kind. VERY VERY hard to do. ^_*

SFWA has some good articles/links on writing that I've found useful:
http://www.sfwa.org/writing/

click on:
Writing the craft

You might also look at an article by Terry Prachett, where he discusses the 'how to' of the humor in his books.
http://www.writerswrite.com/journal/apr00/pratchett.htm


Hope this has helped a little.



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