[FFML] Re: [Ranma][x-over]Devil Hunter Ranma 3b update


Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. Rev. 2.4

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. 
 My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

Accept those comments and criticism that
you find useful, ignore the rest.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


<SNIP> 138 words about RL.
IMO it's always best to get into the story
as quickly as possible. IMO,
it's better put this at the END of the chapter.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

<SNIP>


Devil Hunter Ranma

By Micronime

Micronime@hotmail.com

All the characters are the property of their respective owners.


@@ IMO, Disclaimer should give credit BY NAME to
original authors.
@@@@


--------------------------------------------------------------

---- indicates the beginning and the end of a section

**** indicates the beginning and the end of a flashback

""   indicates a speech in Japanese

<>   indicates a speech in Chinese

[]   indicates a thought


@@ Entirely too complicated. IF the reader
can figure this out from context, you don't need the
key. AND, if the reader does need this key, they're 
going to have to STOP reading and scroll back 
to the top to refer to this. 
@@@@

Author's note :

     This story that you're about to read is a crossover
featuring the Ranma 1/2 cast, the Sailor Moon cast and the
characters from Devil Hunter Yohko. The action takes place at
the beginning of Ranma 1/2 and after the arrival of Kanzaki
Asuza. At first I wanted to write the plot into "The Truth
Revealed", but I believed the story would have become too
complicated.


@@Put authors notes at the END of the story. Again, IMO
you want to get to the story as quickly as possible.
@@@@

What has happened before :

     Ranma, Genma and the Chinese guide arrive at the dreaded
valley of Jusenkyo, but something unexpected happens. After
running for their lives, they finally find shelter in the
Amazon village. In the village things also go differently. A
scouting party is sent while the Amazons prepare themselves
for the battles ahead.

     After fighting the demons for a month, Ranma and Genma
leave the Amazon's village. Back in Japan, Ranma meets the
Sailor Senshi and his mother.


@@VERY good. You might want to tell the reader WHAT
Ranma & co. were running from. But this is just what
the reader needs if there is some time between chapters.
@@@@


     If you want more details read Devil Hunter Ranma chapter
1 & 2 at www.geocities.com/Micronime.


@@Why not just put the entire link?
EXAMPLE:
Devil Hunter Ranma, Chapters 1 & 2 may be found at
http://www.geocites.com/Micronime

If this is a situation where you can't direct link
you might mention that to readers. ^_+
@@@@


     So now let the show begin!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3 : Demons, girls and more demons.
09:03, Saotomes' residence
Juuban district, Japan

     Akane could barely contain her frustration while they
waited for someone to answer the door. Here she was at the
front door of the boy that her father wished one of them would
marry. She was sure that Saotome Ranma was a pervert like all
the boys at Furikan High school.

 [ I hate BOYS! They are all perverts! Nothing like
Tofuu-sensei. ]

     Remembering the good doctor Akane mentally sighed. Two
month ago, the doctor had worked up the courage to ask Kasumi
out on a date. A little more than two weeks ago, Kasumi had
told them that Tofuu-sensei had proposed to her. Akane had
spent a week without knowing how to feel when Kasumi had told
them about her and Tofuu-sensei. She was happy for her big
sister, but she couldn't help but feel sad about losing
Tofuu-sensei.


@@
1) Nice twist on the original, having Akane be the one at the door.
2) the use of [brackets to indicate thought]  breaks the flow of reading, IMO.
3) Seems to be a repeat of Canon story in terms of 
Akane/boys are perverts etc. 
@@@@

     She recently had come to accept that they loved each
other and that she could do nothing about it. She also came to
the conclusion that there was surely another man that she
could love. The day after, her father announced them that one
of them would marry the son of his best friend.

 [ He?s better not try anything or else... ]



@@Too much TELL, not enough SHOW.
Dialogue heavy. Needs more narrative to give
some action/energy to the story.
@@@@


<SNIP>


VERY slow moving. You're TELLING, rather than
SHOWING. And there's too much re-telling
of Canon Ranma and not enough of YOUR story.

 Getting rid of  Kasumi as a fiancee early on, 
and having the Tendou's going to the Saotome home are both
nice twists. BUT:
1)Dialogue heavy. You're TELLING the story,
rather than SHOWING the reader what is going on.
2) Mostly a re-telling of the original Ranma story thus
far. This exacerbates the problem of being dialogue heavy 
and slows the story even more.
@@@@



<SNIP>

OVERALL:
1)Too much TELL, not enough SHOW.
Replace about 2/3 of the dialogue with
narrative and SHOW the reader what
is going on. Give sights, sounds, smells,
emotions. Give details so the reader can
feel the thud of fist against flesh, smell
fear and sweat during a fight . . .textures,
colours, etc.

2)Much too much re-telling of the
original story. And to increase
difficulties, it is simply TELLING
the story.

Tell us YOUR story. Most of FFML
knows the original Ranma. We want to
read YOUR ideas, see YOUR characterization.
PLAY with the characters and situations.
You made a GOOD start with switching the Tendous
to the Saotome home, but then seemed to get
nervous about the whole thing and fell back
into retelling the original story. And you
are just telling. SHOW the reader. Use
action/reaction, movement, sights, sounds,
smells to paint a word picture of
what's going on.

Also, timing and pacing are very important.
Does the reader HAVE to know the details
of the Tofu/Kasumi/Akane triangle at the
opening of this chapter? Or can this
part of the chapter proceed simply with
the knowledge that Kasumi is engaged? And
that Akane's love for Tofu was unrequited?
Do we (the readers) even need to know that much?
WHAT moves the story along AT this point?
Certainly there are times when you (the author) will
want to set up future events by showing certain events now.
This sort of thing needs to be worked into the narrative
as seamlessly as possible.
HOWEVER:

1) What is the ESSENTIAL information that the reader
must have at this point in the story? Don't clog up the narrative
with non-essentials. JRR Tolkien could write 6000 words about
food and make it interesting. JM Auel can do five pages on
flint knapping and keep the readers attention. That's VERY
hard to do and, IMO, it's easier to use a fairly lean, fast paced
narrative. I got daring and did 300 words on "Piss Alley"
in "Lure the Tiger" chp. 27, and those 300 words were
a killer. :(

That little section took me longer
to write than the next 3000 words of that chapter
and the next two chapters combined, BECAUSE is was simply static
description. So, you want to SHOW the reader what's going on
(as opposed to simply telling) BUT the SHOW (narrative) must
be interesting to the reader. And it's generally easier to keep
the readers attention with action than with static descriptions
of events.

2) How can you SHOW this information to the reader?
For example, rather than have Akane tell the reader (via internal dialogue)
that she thinks all boys are perverts, why not SHOW
the reader through Akane's reactions to a 'boy'.
Perhaps a grimace or flinch, sweaty palms, feeling
of nausea, hesitation in shaking hands, etc. when
meeting a male.

I think you've got an interesting story here, but
I want to SEE more of THAT story, not original Ranma.
AND, I want to SEE the story. So, IMO:

1)Delete most of the re-telling of Canon Ranma
2) SHOW me YOUR story using narrative.

Some links I've found helpful:

http://hobgoblin.net/resources/createlink1.asp

http://writing.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/clarity.html

http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm
http://freereads.topcities.com/narrativedialogue.html

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