In a message dated 1/27/2003 6:33:34 AM Eastern Standard Time, 
tabyk@attbi.com writes:

   She had thrown a screaming fit when Father had announced to 
both her and Nabiki that he had decided to take on another 
student, especially in light of the fact that he had neglected 
her own training as of late.  It had taken agreeing to teach them 
both that had finally quieted her down.  Of course, it was then 
that he'd also come up with... the idea.

    "Screaming fit" seems awfully strong, here, and to me implies a very 
childish, emotionally immature Akane.  OTOH, she *does* have a legitimate 
reason to be angry, even *very* angry, with Soun, for the very reason cited 
above.  This presents an opening to give Akane a real, *human* reason for 
resenting Ranma, without turning her into a fanfic stereotype, IMHO.
    Sug:  "It had taken his promise to resume teaching them both..."

   Stopping at the threshold, I watched as Ranma slowly entered 
while his mother stayed back at my side.  With a quick glance at 
Akane, wearing her favorite gi and an insufferable smirk, he came
to a stop before Father.

       Again, "insufferable smirk" seems stronger than is warranted, unless 
you're trying to make Akane less likeable than she first appeared in canon.  
I can see her being overconfident --she *was* the best in Nerima before the 
Wrecking Crew crashed into her life, after all-- but she never struck me as 
the type of person to rub someone's nose in it.  

   Clearing his throat - a habit, I noticed, that had suddenly 
appeared since the Saotome's arrival - Father said, "In order to 
place your skill level, I have decided that a sparring match will 
be used.  My daughter, Akane, shall be your opponent."  Then 
stepping back to the sidelines, and without further warning, he 
simply said, "Begin."

       Sug:  "--a habit, I noticed, that he had only developed since..."
       Also, I *think* that the posessive-plural of Saotome is Saotomes' -- 
the apostrophe needs to go after the s.
       That last sentence is a bit of a run-on.

   From the way Akane launched herself at him, it was obvious 
it had been planned that way.

       Akane launched herself at Soun?  That's odd.  Also, who planned this 
-- does Kasumi think that Soun and Akane planned this, or that Akane is 
acting alone?

   With a slight growl from her lips she bore down on him,
jumping right in with several powerful punches and kicks, and it
became apparent, to me at least, that she fully intended to take
out her recent frustrations with the whole situation on him.  I
opened my mouth to say something, but... she never touched him.

       I'd lose the "from her lips."
       Now this part makes more sense, although Akane is still coming across 
more violent than I tend to see her.  This newcomer waltzes into her life, 
immediately gets attention from her father that *she* has been unable to 
get... it's a fairly normal human reaction to want to take out some 
frustration on him.

   Moving with an almost casual ease, Ranma stepped and ducked 
around her, constantly moving just fast enough, just far enough, 
that she kept missing him.  It was the most amazing thing I'd 
ever seen.  And after nearly of minute of it, Akane practically 
screamed in frustration before grabbing a small hand weight from 
the dojo wall and throwing it at him.

       Ehhh... well, if you say so.  Serious question:  are you trying to get 
the readers to actively dislike this Akane?  Because it does seem that way.

   It also missed.

   Shocked at the display, I couldn't help but watch as she 
grabbed weight after weight and threw them at him.  And every 
single one she threw, he somehow just managed to dodge.  Fearing 
how things might escalate further, I turned towards Father to 
stop it when I caught the almost solemn look on his face...

   ...like he had expected this.

       Hmmm.  The soup-- I mean, the *plot* thickens.  Now I wonder if Soun 
deliberately set Akane up to be humbled, here.

   But how?

       "I found a crystal ball among the Master's belongings -- right between 
Jane Mansfield's bra and Marylin Monroe's panties."
       Mmm.  Maybe Kasumi should take a look at Nodoka's face next, before 
the next bit.  It'd be interesting to see if she and Soun are wearing the 
same expressions.

   And then...

   "Ranma!  Stop playing around!"

   With those sharp words from Mrs. Saotome's mouth, everything 
suddenly changed.

       I dunno, that last sentence seems awkward.  But maybe that's just me.

   No longer dodging Ranma turned and bore down on my sister, 
his arms weaving a furious offensive against her, and for a split 
second I saw a moment of pure panic in her eyes.  A few seconds 
after that, it was over.

       A second of pure panic, followed by several minutes of blank comatose 
unconsciousness.  Heh.  
       I'd break up that first line, like so.  "...against her.  For a split 
second..."

   Sidestepping a desperate forward lunge, the boy lashed out 
with a powerful side kick that hit her right above the kidney, 
literally picking her up and tossing her a couple feet through 
the air, where she then hit, face first, into one of surrounding 
walls.  After a moment of her whole body being held there as the 
kinetic energy was bled off of her, she slowly crumpled to the 
floor.

       Sug: "...the air, to impact face-first into..."  
       Sug:  "After hanging there a moment as her momentum bled away, she 
slowly..."

   I was so shocked at the brutal display it took Father's 
voice to snap me out of it.

       What was Ranma doing at this point?  I can understand that Kasumi 
might not notice, but it does kind of leave a gap in the narrative.  Did he 
just stand there, was he moving in to finish her off, was he watching her for 
a potential counterattack, did he just walk away without looking back?  What 
he does here will be a clue to his state of mind.

   "Kasumi, please take Akane inside and attend to her."

       Technically, they're already inside, but I think it's a safe 
assumption that he means "in the house."

   Glancing at him, that stony expression still on his face, I 
rushed forward and grabbed her just as her eyes began to blink 
with consciousness. Helping her to her feet, I led her, still 
dazed, back to the kitchen before sitting her down on a stool.  
Quickly stripping her of her gi, I surveyed the damage.

       Hmm.  This isn't the "Waterworks" Soun we all know and carry ubrellas 
around.    I wonder what emotion --duty, fear, determination-- is strong 
enough to make him react to his youngest daughter's beating so stoically.
       And... Kasumi "stripping" Akane *in the kitchen?*  Someone could walk 
in too easily.  I could see her opening Akane's gi up to check the bruises, 
but stripping it off her entirely seems a bit too much.

   Her face had several minor cuts, though the quick 
application of a wet cloth confirmed that they were minor at 
best.  Her arms and left side, however, were going to be heavily 

       ITYM "at worst" there.

bruised for several days.  At least.  I began to wonder if a trip 
to Doctor Tofu might be necessary.  It was then that I noticed 
the look on Akane's face, and pulling her against me I let her 
cry, her sobs shaking her as the shock and adrenalin raked her 
body.

       Too many "her" in that last sentence.

   And through it all I kept wonder, 'Why hadn't Father stopped 
it?  What had he been thinking?'

       Kept wonderING.
       And if the single-quotes are actual thoughts, there's a bit of a tense 
problem.  If Kasumi was thinking that to herself, it would more likely be 
"Why *didn't* Father stop it, and what *was* he thinking?"  As-is, it's more 
like Kasumi is describing things to her diary like an after-action report, in 
which case the single-quotes should go away.  IMHO.

   It took me most of the next hour to finally move her to her 
bedroom, where she eventually fell into an emotionally exhausted 
sleep.  It was coming down the stairs that I finally ran into 
Nabiki, who'd just now home from after school activities.

       Just now *come* home....

   All it took was a glance between us before she quietly 
asked, "What happened?"

   I glanced towards the dojo and said, "You had to have seen 
it, Nabiki."  Then shaking my head, "She didn't stand a chance.  
Ten seconds... it took less then 10 seconds before he'd beaten 
her unconscious."

       Then, shaking...
       That line doesn't work too well for me.  I'd suggest:  "I shook my 
head.  "She didn't...""

   And then in a whisper I added, "And Father hadn't even 
looked surprised."

       Since she's *saying* this to Nabiki, it should be "And Father didn't 
even look surprised."> 

       Well, it's interesting, so far, although not much has happened yet.  
Akane seems over the top, IMO.  Ranma is definitely showing aftereffects from 
"A Child's Prayer," -- much quieter, no apparent arrogance, no reluctance to 
pound Akane flat.  OTOH, how did he become so skilled?  In canon, Akane only 
looked bad compared to martial artists at or near Ranma's level -- against 
less superpowered opposition, she's no pushover.  And yet Ranma beats her 
here just as easily.  Without Genma's (brutal but effective) training for 
over a decade, where did Ranma get so highly trained?  

-- 
David McMillan, Imagineer at Large.  
Chief Systems Analyst and Integration Engineer, Exotic Technologies Division, 
  <Censored> GmBh.  Mecha and Weapons Design Specialist.
"Agent Mulder?  My name is Neo.  I believe I may be able to show you part of 
the truth you've been searching for.  I should warn you, however -- it's not 
what you think."
--



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'