DB Sommer wrote:
Wee. Another chapter of DitR:
And another two on the Refuge -- hope to have 08 up tonight or
tomorrow. ^_^
The silence of the house at night was disturbed only faintly
by the rustlings of tenants moving in their sleep -- a faintcreaking
faint creaking
Got it.
>from a toss here, the scuffing of a mumbling
scuffing and mumbling (would be better, IMO)
Already fixed. ;)
Ranma knuckled back a yawn as she stumbled through the main
room of the inn, on her way to the baths. How long was she going to
have to sleep as a girl, anyway? Suu seemed to pop into her bed --
or at least her bedroom -- whenever she was ready to turn in.
Heh.
It's an all girl dorm, Ranma is spending a lot of time as a girl... it
makes sense to me! :p
Regardless, it wasn't feasible that he teach a student who
wasn't willing.
True. He's going to have to convince her somehow.
Happosai: Tell her to give in to the ecchi side!
Kintaro: Worked for me!
Ranma: ... no.
She broke off her practice and turned to study him for a
moment, warily. "Indeed it is," she replied after a moment, crossing
her arms across her chest.
Heh. It's going to be a hard one.
Time heals all wounds.
He shuffled his feet nervously. "Mind if I practice with you
for a bit? We're supposed to spar with Seta sometime tonight."
Seta? That should be fun.
Much like Keitaro ends up doing in the later volumes of the manga. :p
But how was it done?
So even he doesn't know. Interesting.
I told you it was intentional!
He broke off his practice with a
muffled curse.
'broke off his pattern' maybe? Practice doesn't seem right.
Hmmm. Will adjust.
She considered that for a moment. Was he showing off? That
was a possibility
Nah. He did it too quick to be showing off.
You never know....
... but she couldn't understand him, truly.
Well, he is a man. Moto doesn't understand any of them. :)
Naru: Nonsense! I taught her everything I know about 'em!
The ordeal would require some thought, however, and that
meant going somewhere awayfrom the inn
I'd drop 'somewhere'. '...going away from the inn' looks fine
Done.
Suzuki Taiso trooped up towards the inn, his uniformly burly
I don't like two words ending with 'ly' so close together. Maybe some
similar word for 'burly'
Swarthy? Hmmm. This will be prodded at until it looks less awkward.
Hey, it worked for raising kids in the 60's, right?
The crew returned the bow as one, while Taiso nodded,
grinning widely. "Welcome aboard, kid.
Ought to throw in an affectionate slap on the back that'll almost knock
Ranma off balance. Taiso comes across as the type to do it.
That's a good idea!
For your first day, I want you to stick with me while I show you
what our boys do. The rest of you, you all know where to go."
Coffee break. They are union men, after all. :)
Men: Damn straight.
"Right!" the men exclaimed in unison, rising from their bows
and all breaking up into small teams headed to various points around
the inn.
Ranma straightened while
'straightened' seems a bit odd there. I'd switch it with something, but not
sure what.
Since Taiso just slapped him on the back (now), he will recover his
balance instead.
Taiso handed Ranma a clipboard and pen. "You're going to
help me take notes," he said. "And the better notes your
you
Gah! >_<
The workers had begun shuffling their equipment around -- a
ladder was leaning against the side of the inn, roofing shingles lay
in a tarp-covered pile near the ladder, a team had already uncovered
most of the water pipes leading to the inn.
Given the oddities of the inn. I vote for them finding strange pipes or
artifacts or something.
Not a one!
In the meantime, occasional workers -- though they all
looked identical to Keitaro,
that happens. Artists draw pretty generic background figures most of the
time. :)
SOMEONE got the joke.
excepting
think it's just 'execept' here. But I could be wrong.
Fixed.
"Hmm?" Keitaro mused, swallowing. "Well, maybe I should make
him something." He frowned, considering that. "No, no... the workers
in the yard would catch on,"
Yeah. And think he's gay, and we just beat down that nasty rumor last
chapter. :)
Er... well, there were three people who were convinced, Ranma only
corrected one of them.
He glanced to the hallway, surprised to see Naru there, a
particularly haggard expression marring her features. Realizing
Keitaro was looking at her, she managed a quick smile, quickly bustling
two 'quick's close together. I'd just drop the second since 'bustling' works
fine on its own
Already fixed. :p
"Ah... I'm fine," Keitaro replied, bowing his head and
flushing slightly. How considerate of her.... He hadn't thought that
escalating their relationship to the next level meant she would be
so kind to him.
So in his eyes escalating a relationship means being abused more instead of
receiving kindness? That would explain SOOO much. :)
His comprehension is a bit skewed, you must admit.
"Thanks," Keitaro managed, climbing
Here's I'd drop 'managed. Just go with "Thanks." Keitaro climbed...' managed
isn't really needed here and I am a big fan of clipping 'said, replied,
managed, etc' when possible.
Stylistic, I say!
... fixed.
He accepted it hesitantly, offering the woman a nervous
smile, then swallowing worriedly as he examined the actual meal
itself. Of course, Keitaro realized, shaking his head. Naru's
cooking looked dangerous. Ranma, however, nervously took a bite,
then blinked, grinning, and set into the bento with vigor, reducing
the lunch to a pleasant memory very quickly, then thanking Mitsune
profusely.
Sentence seems to go on for a bit. I'd try making it two or something. Even
'quickly. After he was finished, he thanked Mitsune...'
I can do that.
She said something to him -- bending close and whispering it
in his ear -- that Keitaro couldn't make out, but it made Ranma pale
slightly.
Heh. I knew she couldn't resist.
Of course not.
She nodded. "I think I'll tell him who really made it," she
said absently. "After he takes me out to dinner tonight, of course."
Of course. :)
Hehe....
Keitaro rolled his eyes, and set about washing the dishes
up.
drop 'up'
Dropped on Sarah.
The workers began to rise outside the window, and migrate back
to their positions about the inn, Ranma vanishing into their midst,
along with Taiso.
The start of the sentence parses off to me. Perhaps "Outside the window,
Keitaro could see the workers...' It could be just me, but something does
seem off about the wording.
Works better that way, you're right.
Mitsune clapped her hands together, coming out of her daze.
"Yes! A double date! A brilliant plan, Kanrinin -- I'll even ask
Naru for you."
Well, there's a recipe of disaster.
What, anything involving Naru?
Keitaro grinned, hope for the evening filling him.
Don't worry, boy, Your dreams will all be shattered soon.
Wouldn't be me writing if it didn't happen, now would it?
Taiso snorted, shaking his head. "Nah, nah, simple stuff,
but you made the same mistake everywhere. Anyway, to make it simple
for you, the numbers actually work out like this." He sketched a few
formulas out for Ranma. "You gotta round out a bit, but in this
business you need to pad your schedule some."
Heh. Thought so. Ranma didn't take into account 45 minutes of breaks every
hour. He'll never be a proper union man. :P
... did you read ahead to the next chapter? ;)
"Construction materials were spot-on," Taiso rumbled,
secretly annoyed that he couldn't charge for extra materials and siphon them
off to the house he was building.
Heh. Not quite.
pounding Ranma on the back enthusiastically,
Heh. There's the backpounding. since you have it here, you can skip the
earlier one I suggested.
No, no. I'll leave them both in. Come to think of it, I should add some
into the next chapter, too.
"Damn," he mumbled under his breath. "I thought I finally
got the math stuff, too... how the heck am I going to find time to
study with a job like this?"
Sighing, he balanced the clipboard on his head, drawing his
notebook from his belt, and recording all he had learned in it
before stretching. He dislodged the clipboard as he did so, catching
it when it fell behind him with one foot, then retrieving it with
one hand.
Mention he's doing it absently. That it's automatically makes it neater.
I made such an adjustment. Absently.
"Uh... oh yeah," Ranma mumbled,
Mitsune; Well, stop getting along. You're mine. No one else can have you.
Hah!
Naru smiled at that. Mitsune could be thoughtful, sometimes.
Taking her out after the revelation of Keitaro and Ranma.... "Wait a
moment. What's your plan?"
There we go. Naru's up to speed on her buddy.
Ish.
"Well, you, and I, and Oe, and Keitaro-kun will go to the
restaurant together," she began.
Heh. Worded that too vaguely, but she had to.
Of course!
Naru nodded, trooping to her room, Mitsune heading to her
own. She hesitated, then picked out a simple dress, and marched
nervously to the hall. Somehow, she never quite expected her first
date to end up like this. Mitsune emerged a moment later, wearing a
sleek black Chinese dress with a gold embroidered dragon up the
length, and a split from the hem ending only at mid-thigh.
Naru compared that to her own light brown patterned outfit,
and suddenly felt underdressed.
Only because she is. :)
Relatively. Keitaro still likes her better.
Naru considered that for a moment, then decided she
preferred Keitaro's neat tie and carefully buttoned shirt to Ranma's
sleek darkness. She shook her head, smiling at the couple. Mitsune
nodded to herself. "I thought you'd pick that shirt," she mused.
which one mused? Naru or Mitsune
Mitsune -- will clarify.
Naru smiled, sighing inwardly. How far did they intend to
take the fiction?
I thought she believed they were out in the open with their relationship.
Maybe I am misremembering.
Still... she might as well play her role --
Keitaro and Ranma would catch no end of difficulty for their choice
of lifestyle.
Oh. She thinks she's their cover. Now i get it.
Right!
Trying to cover for his slip-up -- and for no other reason
-- Naru grabbed Keitaro's arm, and smiled brightly. Keitaro froze,
grinning awkwardly, and unable to speak while she grabbed onto him.
Poor fool, she thought to herself. So used to playing the role he
overplayed it now that she knew.
She's soooo blind. ^_^
Where would the fun be if she weren't?
"I understand," Naru soothed him, before he could finish.
Mitsune blinked suddenly, and broke her attention away from Ranma,
who relaxed visibly. "You don't need to explain it to me." Naru took
Keitaro's hand in hers, across the table, and offered a reassuring
smile.
So he scores by not being available. *Sigh*
Hey, I hear some of the things that attact women are being gay, or
having children.
....
I honestly don't see how either of those work, but from what I hear....
"I think Motoko-chan will come around," Keitaro offered. "At
least, I think she will."
Drop the first 'I think' then, since he says that again in the second part.
Second 'think' should have been 'hope'.
He cleared his throat as his face reddened, and sipped at
his drink to cover. He made a face, immediately setting it down.
"Bah, white wine," he grumped.
"I prefer Thunderbird' he explained.
Not familiar with it?
"Narusegawa!" Keitaro yelped, pulling his glass out of her
reach and managing -- barely -- not to splash himself or Ranma with
it. "You're not old enough to drink!"
She's not? I thought drinking age was pretty low in Japan?
She's 18, the age is 20. This is not something that is (from what I can
tell) heavily enforced in Japan. Naru drinks when she fails to get in to
Toufai the first time, and Keitaro makes the same observation there.
It's worth noticing that Keitaro usually doesn't complain when Naru
drinks at other points throughout the manga, however, usually Mutsumi or
Haruka are present (and I'd expect one of those two to suggest leniancy
in the area of alcahol).
"Never cared for it, myself," Ranma said quietly, pushing
his glass away.
Mitsune readily traded his glass for her own, which was
already empty. "More for me," she declared.
My goodness. Mitsune's drinking. For shame. :)
Who would have imagined?
Naru released a quiet hiccup, and regarded Keitaro coolly,
as the waiter arrived again, silently placing a dish before each of
them, then refilling each of the wineglasses.
Heh. The boys are gonna pay when the girls get lushed up.
It takes more than that to get Mitsune drunk.
"Salmon," he answered quietly. "It's okay."
He hasn't tried it yet. How can he know?
It's salmon. It's always okay, and never bad or spectacular.
He shot Mitsune a pointed glance, then indicating Naru and
Keitaro with a nod of his head. Naru had quickly finished her
refilled glass of wine, and was idly pushing the pasta before her
around on her plate. Keitaro was actually absorbed
I'd drop the 'absorbed' part. Not really needed.
Okay.
in trying to eat
his pasta without making a mess, and making
two 'makings' close together. I'd change one.
Done.
"What do you mean?" Keitaro asked, frowning slightly.
"I thought our first date would be real," she whispered,
shaking her head.
Heh. Maybe it'll come out now.
Gotta twist some more irony out of the situation.
Harder than blood from stone, but not impossible.
I'm willing to try, anyway. ;)
She sniffled, raising her head, and regarded Keitaro with
tear-filled eyes. "It wasn't real at all!" she whimpered. "It was
just a...." She swallowed, and blurted out, "It was just a cover so
you could enjoy your date with your boyfriend! I'm sorry, but I....
I don't like it!" She lowered her face to her hands and sobbed.
Heh. Okay. At least they'll inform her of what's going on now?
Of course.
"Is it because of your curse?" Naru asked, frowning, and
tapping her lower lip with her fingertip. "Or was it something
else?"
Ranma; Would you like me to sleep with you to prove my heterosexuality?
Heh!
"It's not the-- Alright." Wheeling, she took Mitsune's wrist
in one hand.
The woman had exactly enough time to release a frightened
'Eeep!' as her eyes widened, and Ranma swept her into a deep,
searching kiss.
Heh, Ranma seems to be doing that a lot.
No one's complained so far.
"No!" he protested, bristling. "I wanted to go out on a date
with you because I like you! Do you want me to prove it, too?"
That should earn him a punch into the wild blue yonder.
Very nearly does.
Ranma grinned, sighing in relief. "So we've finally got that
settled," she enthused.
Mitsune couldn't help but smile, as
help smiling as (I think)
You sure? Will revise.
The redhead stared at her for a long moment, then nodded. "I
don't expect everyone to always be able to take the curse in
stride," she said, shrugging. "I understand."
"You know, Ranma, you don't make a very good boyfriend,"
Mitsune mused,
Heh. She sure decided that in a hurry. She was all for him up until that
point.
In the manga she's typically shown as being interested in Keitaro
mostly for the possibility of money. She was interested in Ranma for
other reasons, but....
"I... think so," Shinobu hazarded. But
"But
Drat.
Naru, apparently having calmed down from the previous night,
frowned pointedly at him, and said, "She may have run away because
of you, you know."
Naru: Thanks. She was getting annoying with her constant anti-man stance.
*Snicker*
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. I have work in the morning, and we
may be overreacting. She's probably okay, but she might just be on a
training trip, or something. Since I don't work the day after
tomorrow anyway, I'll wait until then to see if she comes back
before I look for her," Ranma decided. "Sound fair?"
"A training trip?" Suu asked, excitedly. "Like a real
martial artist? How long do they last?"
And do they taste good?
^_^
Ooh. Point.
It was, after all, her first night out. Would they even have
noticed she was gone, or would they be wrapped up in the novelty of
the new person who had invaded their home? Would they devote all
their time to him, and not even gather that she was gone?
So it is a cry for attention at the same time.
Everything is, in some sense. But it's also that she's angry and hurt
-- she's human.
All she knew was that she wanted her sword back. The blade
was not just a weapon, or a tool -- it was her honor, her pride....
and how could she be expected to skewer perverts without it?
Well, actually.... Nevermind.
The final option, the one Ranma had not mentioned, would be
to defeat him. If she could beat him in a fight, then she could
reclaim her blade, and had obviously proven that she was not in need
of his training.
Well, not necessarily. But with her mindset she would think that.
And of course, if she could beat him, the rest wouldn't matter.
After work had finished for the day, Ranma stood at the
large window, staring out at the pouring rain that she'd only barely
managed to avoid while on the job.
Hadn't thought of that. That would make working outdoors difficult.
Quite.
"Are you sure it's wise to leave with that storm going on?"
the girl asked, clasping her hands together over her chest and
drawing into herself slightly.
Heh. She does tend to do that often.
Well, it's Shinobu. :p
Ranma winced as the wind picked up momentarily, slashing
rain across the window. "Yeah, I know it's not so great, but
remember that she's already out there." She stretched slightly,
already dressed in a pair of jeans and a black T-shirt. She pulled
on a jacket, and hauled her pack onto her shoulder. "If there's any
kind of trail to follow, it's only going to get harder, the
don't think you need that comma.
Drat. Got it.
Back to a large pine tree, Motoko shivered, glad that most
of the rain had been kept off of her,
can drop 'of'
Arg! I always make that mistake. >_<
Her sister, Ranma, and now, the weather. Why was it all
against her? She grimaced, then yawned, before her yawn was
interrupted with another sneeze, and she finally succumbed to her
exhaustion.
Heh. He's going to find her sick and have to rescue her.
Of course.
A loud -- but petite -- sneeze reached her, sounding from
over the cave's entrance, and she sighed again, shaking her head.
Heh
:p
That had been patched, and then the construction crews had
proceeded to dig up all of the plumbing -- leaving it intact but
exposed. She shook her head, frowning at the disaster area of the
backyard. The craters of Ranma's fight against Happosai were
completely gone, lost in all the digging.
Yeah. It's all one big crater now. :)
Pretty much. Ranma's next job: landscaping!
"Augh!" she exclaimed, panicking, and turning to face the
girl. Motoko was carrying Ranma -- in his cursed form, of course --
on her back, Motoko seeming more herself, and Ranma.... Ranma looked
fit to die from her fever, her face flushed, and eyes distant.
Heh. That backfired slightly. Nice to see I was wrong as well.
Well, there were a few ways about it -- one being that Ranma can't
always be the hero, or it gets annoying. Another is that I love to play
tricks with cliche....
"... P-chan?"
Hmm. Interesting.
Boggle.
"I...." But they had no reason to listen. Not bothering to
face either of them any longer, and unable to bear the sight of....
More hinting. Heh. We'll get the full low down at some point.
I imagine that most readers will be able to piece it together
themselves before then, but yes.
At some point.
There had to be something there, to make her take care of
the poor fevered girl through the night. Something.
Hmm. Interesting she's starting to step back a bit. We'll see what develops.
Can't ever have anything solid -- that would defeat the purpose. :p
If she didn't know any better, she'd think that, maybe, she
had judged him poorly.... But then, had she reacted so badly? Naru
typically did the same to Keitaro whenever he did anything so
inappropriate, didn't she?
Oh, there's a wonderful relationship to use as a standard. :P
Isn't it just?
Would Seta and Haruka be a better example?
I wouldn't think they could be considered a couple at this point.
Pretty much everyone who read this got the idea that somehow Motoko is
looking for an example of a couple, and that she's seeing herself in a
relationship with Ranma. She's looking for -- quite simply -- an example
of how men and women interact with one-another in general. She does not
know that Seta and Haruka are a couple, as they aren't at the moment.
I'm going to need to make this more obvious.
Waking to a brightly-lit room, Ranma sighed, blinking away
the sleep, and yawning. The sense of health that she never really
appreciated until after she had recovered from an illness filled
her,
All people are like that. Myself included, though the last time I was sick
was back in 97. Before that, maybe 93 or so. I'm unusually healthy.
I get sick a lot, so I tend not to forget.
She sighed, reaching under the covers, and gently pushed Suu
away from her. Except instead of finding a shoulder, she found
something much larger... and much softer.
Oops.
He wouldn't complain too much. Probably.
"No problem -- next time, I'll take all our clothes off. I
hear it warms you up faster."
Heh. She's still evil.
She's still Mitsune!
Nodding, Ranma grabbed her chosen outfit, and swept out the
door, making a beeline towards
I'd change to 'directly towards'. the beeline phrase is a bit wordy and
cliche.
Alrighty.
Male again, he relaxed for a moment, until he heard
footsteps approaching, and realized that he'd forgotten to put up
the 'occupied' sign. Jumping out of the bath,
Sigh. Just shout out and whoever is there will stop.
Yeah, but he can just say, "ninja vanish!" and problem solved.
I need to learn that trick.
"Oh, I'm an archeologist," he explained. He nodded to
himself, then glanced around the rooftop. "Is Motoko-chan here?"
Hmm. Why is he asking about her?
He was supposed to spar with Ranma and Motoko....
"Yes, actually," Seta chuckled. "I was going to spar with
Oe-san, and Motoko-chan for a bit, since I forgot to last time."
Ah, I see.
Right!
He reached for it, uncertain, and swallowing nervously,
finally took it from her. She seemed nervous, not looking at him,
and shifting her feet uncomfortably, until he said, "Then... I will
teach you. But... this is your sword, so you should hang onto it. If
you want me to teach you... you may not end up using it for a while,
but you should keep it, not me."
Motoko: No, you take it.
Ranma: No, you.
Motoko: No, you.
Ranma: We'll give it to Shinobu, then.
Motoko: Fine. Becoming a swordswoman will do her good.
Shinobu: Waa!
HAH!
"I look forward to it," Motoko replied, not grinning, but
offering a small smile of her own.
And I look forward to the next chapter.
You know where to find it. ^_^
Nice work. Motoko and Ranma reach a truce, and Naru no longer believes Kei
boy is gay. Mitsune waffles back and forth a bit, which is cool as it still
leaves tension in the air. Little slice of life in there as well. Not a huge
development chapter, but gets some small things accomplished and moves
things along. Nice work and I approve. Nothing here for me to recommend that
I haven't already.
Thanks a lot for the C&C!
This chapter was something mostly to address the complaints that the
last chapter had generated... meaning at the end of chapter 07, I
actually get to the point I had wanted to reach at the end of chapter 03.
This is Montoya's doing.
D.B. Sommer