allyn Yonge wrote:

Just a couple of quick comments.
There are some hysterically funny bits in this story.
I especially like your Ranma/Ryouga interaction
and Kuno's dialogue when he first appears.

I enjoyed writing those parts as well. The switching of roles to various
degrees is fun.

Problems:
1)The introduction is slow and stilted in places.
Example: "the enormous, palatial room"
is a tad redundant.

Yeah. My eye caught that one too when I revised it. Even though they aren't
quite redundent, palatial does invoke images of large structures, so I'll
axe enormous

 And your transition between the

first dream, waking, then the second dream is difficult
to figure out.

It was meant to be, especially in the first case as you aren't quite sure
when the dream ends. Since I did that with the first, I did the second the
same way.

2)Again using the introduction for examples,
the narrative descriptions are occasionally awkward. Tweak
them just a tad so they blend more smoothly
with the dialogue.

     Tension drained from Ranma as he relaxed on the silk divan. The
blue velvet toga that delicately caressed his naked flesh perfectly

complimentedthe fluted Roman columns and marble mosaic tiles of the palatial
room.It was like something out of a blockbuster movie that lost tons of
money,but won critical acclaim.

Will consider. That is smoother.

85 words for the first vs. 53 words for the second, which is close to my
normal rule for cutting one word in five. IMO you want the intro to be
much faster paced.

Not so much here. The hook was already there in the first part of the first
chapter. This is the third.

And timing is especially critical in a comedy.
Otherwise the 'punch line' goes flat. ^_O

Yes, I am aware of that. At the same time, there is a slow build up to the
joke, as well as fanservice in the lemon here, such as describing the girls
clothing and the hints of fanservice.

I'd cut the entire story down to improve the pace and timing.
WHAT you cut and how depends on the effect you're looking
for, but I think a faster pace overall would be good.

2)Regarding things like "sperm" and 'dicktease' I'd change
all of that, just because it's not very interesting in terms
of description.

'dicktease' was dialogue, not description. The word was appropriate from
that character at that time. Unless you think 'cocktease' is better. :)

As to the sperm bit, using 'love juice' in that Ryouga scene didn't seem
quite right. And other similar words, such as spooge, cum, or even seminal
fluid don't really make that much a difference in my eyes. It was a quick
and sloppy BJ, not really meant to invoke eroticism. On the contrary, since
it's quick and non romantic, referring to it crudely works better, IMO.

3) Akane/Nabiki/Kasumi all "sound" too much alike, IMO.
 Need more of a distinctive voice for each one.
 (see references at start for more on 'voice')

Well, Akane is the only one with any real dialogue. The others are only
commenting on situations in vague terms, so in this case it's hard to
distinguish them.

OVERALL: some ROTFLOL stuff.
(I loved the 'flashback' to the school
where Ranma is trying to get Ryouga a date
and the: "who's the guy that comes through for
 you ten times out of ten?" shtick. ^_O)

Obligatory Shaft reference.

Thanks for the comments. They are appreciated.

D.B. Sommer



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