The following is ONLY my opinion. Take what you find useful,
ignore the rest. ^_O
Since this C&C is so late, I'm leaving the originl prolouge intact
at the bottom so the reader can put my C&C in context.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
1) "Day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day
out; day in, day out; day in, day out;"
ad infinitum is visually confusing and boring. If I were looking
for a story to read for pleasure, I'd skip this one. Same reasoning
behind overuse of CAPITOL LETTERS!
2)There's no narrative. You've got voices speaking in a void
with no context. Again, confusing at best, dull at worst.
3)The idea is pretty interesting, but the presentation is poor.
If you want to go with this, you _might_ consider using an
'omniscient' POV to SHOW the events in Ranma's life with
commentary from 'above'. BUT, keep it short. IMO, don't get
carried away with cute references to 'Clarence' or 666 (which
while in popular literature is suspect due to some peculiarities in
translation) or AMG(OMG) telephone numbers or "paved with
good intentions" and all the rest. In other words, don't spend a
lot of time beating the reader over the head, especially with
things that don't move the story along.
4)Prologue should be short and sharp to HOOK the reader and
setup the story or some critical element of the story. Frankly I'm
not really sure what's going on from this prologue, other than
the basic idea of 'angelic' intervention in Ranma's life. IMO, you
need more of a hook. If you're setting up Ranma as a Job-like
figure as part of a contest between Good vs. Evil, you need to
make this clearer. HOOK the reader, quickly. Then end the
prologue and get into the story. You don't need to give a lot of
detail or explanation up front. Let it naturally appear as the story
unfolds.
Hope this helps.
Good luck. ^_*
"Randy Grant" <dendarin@hotmail.com> wrote:
'Dendarin
http://dendarin.anifics.com
and remember:
'Vincit amour omnia,
regit amour omnia.'
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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: prelude.txt
This is a possible prelude to something; maybe I'll call it "Even Angels
Have Wings." �See the end for a list of references (and read number
five, even if you don't read any of the others; it's interesting).
� � � �Day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day
out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out;
day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day
in, day out...
� � � �Looking for some excitement?
...day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out;
day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day
in, day out; day in, day out...
� � � �Want to spice up your life?
...day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out;
day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in...
� � � �Or perhaps the dull monotony of work has got you down.
...day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out; day in,
day out; day in, day out; day...
� � � �Whatever it is, just call us...
...in, day out; day in, day out; day in, day out...
� � � �...at 136-
...day in, day out; day in, day out...
� � � �66...
...day in, day out...
� � � �...7...
...day in, day...
� � � �...9.
...out...
***
� � � �"That's not the Goddess Relief Help Line!"
� � � �NO, IT ISN'T.
� � � �"But it's the same commercial!"
� � � �NOT QUITE. �IT _IS_ SIMILAR, THOUGH.
� � � �"What is it, then?"
� � � �TAKE THE NUMBERS APART.
� � � �"The numbers? �Let's see, thirteen is ill omen..."
� � � �GOOD START; KEEP GOING.
� � � �"Six-six-six is the number of the beast. �Seven is luck, and
nine is magic. �What could it mean?"
� � � �IT'S A CHALLENGE.
� � � �"A challenge to what? �All those bad numbers; is it evil?"
� � � �NO. �NOT EVIL. �IN FACT, IT IS COMPLETELY NEUTRAL.
� � � �"What, then?"
� � � �A CHALLENGE TO FIGHT THE BEAST. �TO PERSEVERE IN THE FACE OF ALL
EVIL AND ILL-OMENED TIMES, ARMED ONLY WITH LUCK AND A LITTLE BIT OF
MAGIC.
� � � �"But why show this to me?"
� � � �YOU ARE TO WATCH THIS CONTEST. �THE DARK ONE'S SERVANTS OBSERVE,
AND SO MUST MINE; NO CHEATING IS TO BE ALLOWED.
� � � �"But who would issue such a challenge?"
� � � �FATE. �WHO ELSE?
� � � �"And who would accept such a challenge, anyway?"
� � � �WELL. �WHY DON'T I SHOW YOU...
***
� � � �"The time flux approach? �What's the point here?"
� � � �IF IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR CLARENCE TO SAVE GEORGE BAILEY'S LIFE,
IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO WORK ALONGSIDE YOUR ASSIGNMENT.
� � � �"I suppose... �Wait a minute! �Work alongside? �I'm not meant to
work directly with mortals! �What about Dudley?"
� � � �DUDLEY IS STILL RECOVERING FROM A RATHER UNUSUAL ASSIGNMENT
INVOLVING A BISHOP WHO WAS LOSING THE TRUE MEANING OF HIS - AND MY -
WORK. �HE NEEDS MORE TIME BEFORE HE IS PROPERLY NEUTRAL AGAIN.
� � � �"You mean those rumors about the human woman were true?"
� � � �NOT QUITE; NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENED. �DUDLEY RETAINED ENOUGH OF
HIS WITS NOT TO ALLOW EMOTION TO OVERRIDE HIS WORK. �HOWEVER, IT WILL BE
SOME TIME BEFORE HE CAN BE TRUSTED ON ANY ASSIGNMENT, LET ALONE ONE THIS
IMPORTANT.
� � � �"All right, I get the picture. �So, this kid's my assignment?"
� � � �YES.
� � � �"And his father is taking him on a camping trip. �Isn't that
cute?"
� � � �IT WOULD BE IF THIS WAS A NORMAL CAMPING TRIP. �HOWEVER, THE BOY
WILL NOT RETURN FOR TWELVE YEARS.
� � � �"Twelve-! �What, was he kidnapped?"
� � � �NO, HIS FATHER MERELY FELT IT BEST NOT TO RETURN UNLESS THE BOY
WAS A MAN AMONGST MEN. �HE COULD ACTUALLY HAVE RETURNED AT ANY TIME,
RIGHT UP UNTIL THE END WHEN HE MADE AN ACCIDENT THAT COULD MAKE IT
QUESTIONABLE JUST HOW MANLY THE BOY WAS.
� � � �"Accident?"
� � � �SORRY, I GOT AHEAD OF MYSELF. �ANYWAY, JUST TO GET AN IDEA...
THERE'S HIS FIRST TWO YEARS ON THIS TRAINING TRIP.
� � � �"Geez, the old man's a bit harsh, isn't he? �And abandoning that
poor girl was just plain wrong!"
� � � �JUST WAIT. �A FEW MONTHS LATER...
� � � �"My God! �What kind of sicko does that to his own son?!"
� � � �THAT'S NOT THE END OF EVEN THAT DISASTER.
� � � �"What's worse than that?"
� � � �TRYING AGAIN WITH FISH CAKES. �THEN SQUID. �THEN CATFOOD. �THEN
FISH SAUSAGE AND FISH CAKES TOGETHER. �THEN-
� � � �"Okay, I guess that is worse. �So, let me guess: the kid learns
the Nekoken?"
� � � �RIGHT. �NOW, THERE'S JUST A FEW MORE THINGS-
� � � �"You call that a few..."
� � � �-BEFORE THEY GO TO CHINA.
� � � �"What's in... Jusenkyo? �Nyanniichuan? �Niiechiezu?"
� � � �STILL MORE.
� � � �"I just hope they got off the continent."
� � � �YES. �WELL, AFTER...
� � � �"I should have expected it. �Now what?"
� � � �WE'RE ALMOST TO THE END. �HERE IS NERIMA.
� � � �"I feel sorry enough for the kid already. �I mean, come on; I'm
a warrior of Heaven and I can see the red string between those two!
Just imagine what an observant person or someone attuned with emotion
instead of battle would feel. �And the fathers! �Just what kind of evil
sickos are they?"
� � � �IDIOTS, NOT EVIL.
� � � �"Just as bad."
� � � �WELL, NOW YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH. �AS TO WHAT YOU'RE
DOING, YOU ARE TO HELP HIM REACH HIS POTENTIAL. �YOU CAN USE YOUR POWERS
INDIRECTLY OR YOU CAN ACT AS A HUMAN MESSENGER - WITH HUMAN LIMITATIONS
- OR EVEN COMBINATIONS, BUT NOT BOTH AT ONCE. �YOU ARE ALSO TO BE ON THE
LOOKOUT FOR THE SERVANTS OF THE BURNING ONE, AND PREVENT THEM FROM
INTERFERING. �ALSO, AS EVIL ENJOYS DELUSION:
� � � �"Yes, I will watch for Kuno Kodachi."
� � � �ONE FINAL WARNING: THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD
INTENTIONS. �LOOK OUT FOR THIS ONE AS WELL.
� � � �"Kuno Tatewaki. �Right. �However, if the road to Hell is paved
with good intentions, what about this one? �I think she is the most
well-intentioned of the lot."
� � � �WELL, THERE'S GOOD INTENTION, AND THEN THERE'S JUST PLAIN GOOD.
� � � �"Oh."
� � � �SO HOW WILL YOU ACCOMPLISH THIS FEAT?
� � � �"I think I'll try the human approach. �It might be a good idea
to live a full human life so that I'm not so distracted by the body,
though; could I be born, say, twenty years before?"
� � � �IT WILL BE DONE. �I SWEAR BY MYSELF.
� � � �"Thank you. �I'll go make my last-minute preparations. �I will
not fail; I swear by You."
� � � �GOOD LUCK, MIKE.
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