thermopyle wrote:
----- Original Message -----
From: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>
To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Friday, January 17, 2003 8:03 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma/Love Hina/Goldenboy] Diamonds in the Rough -- Chapter
Five
Some comments....
Some replies....
The silence of the house at night was disturbed only faintly
by the rustlings of tenants moving in their sleep -- a faintcreaking
>from a toss here, the scuffing of a mumbling of those nearly asleep
as they wandered to the restroom.
'faint creaking'. 'scuffing of a mumbling of...'? This sounds rather odd
and I'm not really sure if it's what you meant to say.
Nah, there were some typos here.
Of course, there was at least one solution...
Heh. Hehehehe. Don't you need four '.' to end a sentence with an ellipse?
;)
Yep. This one seems to have gotten lost on its way to the server (along
with one of the spaces that someone else noticed was missing). It's got
all 4 on my copy, and on the copy that was sent to the server... and on
the copy I recieved back from the FFML. I'm going to blame it on a
rolling blackout.
Ranma knuckled back a yawn as she stumbled through the main
room of the inn, on her way to the baths. How long was she going to
have to sleep as a girl, anyway? Suu seemed to pop into her bed --
or at least her bedroom -- whenever she was ready to turn in. She
paused on the carpet in the center of the front room, and glanced
outside the window, towards the deck where Shinobu habitually hung
the laundry up to dry, dimly illuminated in the pre-dawn light.
What was dimly illuminated? The window or the deck or the laundry?
The deck.
Will clarify.
'her kendo forms' or whatever style would be appropriate might work better.
Granted, it's easy to assume that Motoko is practicing armed forms, but you
should probably say that explicitly. Iirc, she fought Kanako in the manga
with no weapon at one point. It's been a while, though. Regardless, you
should still say outright to make things clear.
Hmm. Easily fixed.
"I can't get it," Ranma mumbled. He sighed, scrubbing a hand
through his hair. "It's like it's just out of my reach." Shaking his
head, he offered the girl a shrug and a wry grin. "Looks like I'm
just wasting space here. I'll let you get back to your own practice.
Gotta work on the place today." He stretched, yawned slightly, then
trod towards his room.
Hm. It's not really a huge deal, but you use practice twice in this
segment. You might want to change one of them to 'forms' or something.
I would, but 'forms' is already somewhat overused already in this
chapter. Hmm. Something. 'Stance' is being used a lot, too. Gah.
I think this needs a bit of revision just to lessen the repetition.
Motoko frowned, watching him stride away confidently. He
moved with casual grace, his training evident in his walk -- the
balance, and the way he held himself.... Everything she had seen him
do while practicing looked flawless to her, if a bit unorthodox. He
didn't move through any form she recognized, but the motion was
perfectly fluid in her eyes.
And again here, actually. You also use form, so maybe using that in the
previous instance isn't the way to go.
I'm not sure if this one's as bad, but I'll see what I can do.
Well, she wasn't about to give in. She shook her head,
retrieving the pack from where she had left it, beneath an
overturned laundry basket.
She shook her head while retrieving the basket? That's kind of wierd, to do
both at the same time. Generally when bending down, you keep your head
fixed in a steady position.
Now you're just being silly. :p
Anime characters do ten impossible things before breakfast. ;)
However, retrieving is a more general term than you're thinking as far
as the application goes here -- it just means at some point while
getting her backpack, she shakes her head. Not neccesarily while in motion.
Suzuki Taiso trooped up towards the inn, his uniformly burly
assistants trooping behind him up to the courtyard atop the stairs.
They all ground to halt in the middle, spying Ranma standing before
the door to the inn itself. Taking a step forward, Taiso studied
Ranma closely. "On time," he said, nodding his approval. "Got your
hard hat?"
The second 'troop' should probably be 'marching' to fit in with the army
approach without being repetitive.
According to Word's dictionary, there is no space in hardhat.
Yeah, but it's backed up by real dictionaries, too. :p
Will fix.
"Rules are rules," Ranma sighed, hefting a slightly battered
hard hat and nodding back to the burly man. He put the hat into
place, mirrored by the entire construction crew, then strode forward
to meet Taiso. Bowing to the larger man, he announced, "I am Oe
Ranma, and I'm glad for the opportunity to work with you."
Did he sigh the words, 'Rules are rules,' or did he say that, and then sigh?
Sighed it dramatically. Of course, if he were to wear that hardhat in
chapter one, he could have avoided a lot of trouble....
But where would the fun in that be? ^_^
Hat could probably be replaced by cap, to avoid repetition.
Good call.
"Right!" the men exclaimed in unison, rising from their bows
and all breaking up into small teams headed to various points around
the inn.
'bows and breaking up' -- I don't think the 'all' is necessary. Actually, I
think it doesn't belong in the least. It doesn't fit as part of the
sentence at all.
It does work, but it's unorthodox, and doesn't scan as well as it
could. Will revise.
Taiso handed Ranma a clipboard and pen. "You're going to
help me take notes," he said. "And the better notes your take for
me, the more I know you understand about what we're doing. I'll
check up on you during lunch, and we'll see. 'Til then, let's check
out some of the damage -- we got a team clearing out the rubble from
the boiler explosion, so we're gonna go there first. C'mon."
You could probably change one of the 'check's to something else.
check out some -- take a look at
The workers had begun shuffling their equipment around -- a
ladder was leaning against the side of the inn, roofing shingles lay
in a tarp-covered pile near the ladder, a team had already uncovered
most of the water pipes leading to the inn. It appeared that the
prior day had been planning, and so Keitaro lay some of his worries
to rest.
Three repetitions of 'team' over these last three paragraphs. Might want to
change one.
Crew works nicely.
'Keitaro lay some...' is this past-tense?
Absolutely.
I think.
Of course, one of those workers was Ranma, though he had
subtly made it apparent that his employers didn't know that he was
also a tenant. He wasn't certain why the martial artist had done so,
but Keitaro respected that he had.
In the meantime, occasional workers -- though they all
looked identical to Keitaro, excepting Taiso and Ranma -- would run
up to him and ask him a question about the inn. He answered to the
best of his ability, sometimes catching a fleeting glimpse of Naru,
though the girl appeared to be evading him. Whenever he moved to
chase after her, another worker with yet another question would
appear as though summoned before him.
Workers, three times in a row. Perhaps one could be changed to 'men'.
Easily adjusted.
He gave up on trying to catch her attention and talk to her,
focusing instead on studying in his room -- breaking from that on
occasion to answer the questions that still found their way to him.
Things continued in this manner until lunch, which was punctuated by
a shrill, piercing whistle.
Too many 'her's in a row, IMO. One at the end of the previous chapter,
then two at the beginning of this one. You might want to rephrase or change
one of the later two to Naru or something.
Chapter?
I don't know about that, but I'll fix it here.
Wandering out of the inn revealed the workers gathered in
the side-yard -- the one where Ranma had fought Happosai the prior
evening -- opening up lunch boxes and chatting amiably. The craters
that had been blasted in the yard were already filled in with dirt
>from the uncovered plumbing. Except for the fact that nearly all of
the grass would likely be killed, it was an improvement. Probably.
Um. Two 'lunch'es in two sentences, then you use another in two paragraphs.
You should probably change the second one to 'bento' to break things up a
bit. 'bento' won't be used for some more paragraphs from now.
That'll work.
Keitaro shook his head, and retreated into the kitchen,
warming some leftovers for himself. Mitsune sat at the table,
occasionally glancing out the window towards the workers. "Heya,
Kanrinin," she greeted, stirring a bowl of soup idly.
He was warming leftovers while he retreated into the kitchen, or he
retreated into the kitchen to/and warm/warmed some leftovers?
Intentionally abstract, since it's not a major detail.
"Hello, Kitsune," he responded, looking to see what had
gotten her attention for only a moment before turning his attention
to his leftover rice and fish. "Staying home today?"
He looked for only a moment, or he looked to see what had, for only a
moment, gotten her attention? Attention is used twice, either way, and one
of them should be changed to something else.
Easily fixed.
"Hmm?" Keitaro mused, swallowing. "Well, maybe I should make
him something." He frowned, considering that. "No, no... the workers
in the yard would catch on," he sighed. "Well, I hope he can hold on
until dinner, then."
He sighed those words, or said them, and then sighed?
He sighed those words.
He glanced to the hallway, surprised to see Naru there, a
particularly haggard expression marring her features. Realizing
Keitaro was looking at her, she managed a quick smile, quickly
bustling to the refrigerator and making a bento for herself. "I'm
headed out to pick up some more study guides," she offered, before
he could ask. "Do you or Oe-san need anything?"
quick/quickly, repetitive. She made a bento while bustling to the
refrigerator, or 'quickly bustling to the refrigerator to make a bento'?
Hmmm. Good question -- that one got a bit messed up.
Will revise.
Greeted, responded, mused, offered...I personally prefer to see people 'say'
things. The wild variations and attempts to avoid that simplicity tend to
catch my eye much more quickly than 'said' does. It's a stylistic thing, I
guess, and I've no idea whether other people find it as annoying as I do.
It's stylistic. Some people will say that you need to avoid using
'said' altogether, some people think you shouldn't be afraid to use it
exclusively. I prefer to use a bit of both. You'd be surprised how many
instances of 'said' you'll find in the entire chapter -- about 39, which
works out to nearly 2 per 'page' in MS Word.
Generally, I just like to use other speech indicators to add a little
more flavor.
"Ah... I'm fine," Keitaro replied, bowing his head and
flushing slightly. How considerate of her.... He hadn't thought that
escalating their relationship to the next level meant she would be
so kind to him. "But, thank you very much for the offer."
I don't know if the comma is needed after 'But'. It seems unnecessary.
He pauses there when speaking.
"No problem," Naru replied quickly, wiping at her eyes and
sniffling. "Stupid onions...." Shaking her head, she packed her
bento up, and handed Keitaro another. "Here, you can give this to...
to Oe-san later. I'll see you later, Kanrinin."
This is odd. She asked if Keitaro or Oe needed anything, Keitaro said that
he didn't, and Naru made one for Oe without getting any response regarding
him at all.
She was asking about study guides, as in, if they needed anything while
she was out. She wasn't asking about lunch.
Before he could say anything else, she had vanished down the
hallway, and Keitaro's attempt to follow was aborted when he nearly
dropped the packaged lunch. A frenzied lunge saved it from spilling,
and sent him sprawling on the floor.
Heh. 'lunch'/'lunge'. Being silly on this one, admittedly. :)
That was intentional.
"Smooth," Mitsune advised, plucking the box from his
fingers. "I'll deliver this package for you, Kanrinin."
...I don't think this tag quite lines up. What does 'advised' have to do
with commenting on Keitaro's blunder? If she was saying 'Steady,' I could
see it, but not 'Smooth'.
Oh, it's valid:
2. To give information or notice to; to inform; -- with of before the
thing communicated; as, we were advised of the risk.
Curious, he hesitated before chasing after Naru, and peeked
out the window. Mitsune worked her way through the small groups of
workers, offering an occasional giggle or wink, drawing nearer to
Ranma. She drew to a halt before him, and knelt on the lawn,
offering the bento to him and smirking widely.
'he hesitated before chasing after Naru'.... This doesn't work very well.
It says that he hesitated and then chased after Naru. What you're trying to
say is 'Curious, he postponed chasing after Naru, and peeked out the
window.'
No, it works out the same, given tenses. He hesitated, and then
performed another action (which, come to think of it, means that he lost
his five-foot step, so now provokes an attack of opportunity).
Mitsune has a wide head. Of course she smirks widely.
Heh.
He accepted it hesitantly, offering the woman a nervous
smile, then swallowing worriedly as he examined the actual meal
itself. Of course, Keitaro realized, shaking his head. Naru's
cooking looked dangerous. Ranma, however, nervously took a bite,
then blinked, grinning, and set into the bento with vigor, reducing
the lunch to a pleasant memory very quickly, then thanking Mitsune
profusely. Keitaro could hear the laughter and wolf-whistles from
the other workers through the window, though not a whit of their
conversation carried.
'then swallowed worriedly', not 'then swallowing worriedly'. If it was
'then swallowing worriedly, he *something*' it would work, but that's not
what's happening here. Same with the 'thanking', it should be 'thanked'.
Strange that no one else has commented on this -- I've been doing it
for years.
Whatever he said in reply, it seemed to please her, and she
took the bento and chopsticks back, heading towards the inn again.
Sinking back to his seat, Keitaro set about finishing his lunch,
which had cooled. Mitsune entered after a half-heartbeat, and
dropped the box into the sink, before lowering herself to her chair
with a somewhat dreamy expression.
Again, the same problem. 'she took the bento and chopsticks back, heading
towards the inn again.' With the way this is written, both events would be
happening at the same time.
I don't think the comma after half-heartbeat is really necessary. I
actually read that one out loud and it seemed very disjointed as it is.
Will fix.
Keitaro rolled his eyes, and set about washing the dishes
up. The workers began to rise outside the window, and migrate back
to their positions about the inn, Ranma vanishing into their midst,
along with Taiso. He paused his dishwashing, then turned to regard
Mitsune curiously. "Say... do you think I should ask Narusegawa out,
as well?"
'washing the dishes up'? I've never heard the 'up' attached, there. Is
that a mistake, or is it how you're used to saying that particular phrase?
You'd be surprised at how many other people said the same thing.
I blame my step-mother. ;)
Eh. I'm tired. I'll go through more later, assuming you don't find this
useless or infuriating. If you do, let me know. ^_^;
Nah, just relax a bit -- you're more uptight in C&C than I am in
writing, and that's saying a lot. ;)