Finally getting to this one. Only had the first draft, so some comments
might be repeated:

With the Phantom close behind, the Knight Sabers emerged from the

underground

complex to be greeted with a horrific sight. Boomers marched across the
complex, firing concussion beams at anything that moved,

Boomer: Dust mote! Kill it!

<sound of 100 boomers firing on a dist mote.>

the waves of force

crushing and twisting everything they hit, be it steel, stone, wood, or

flesh

and bone. People didn't so much as die, as they collapsed under their own
weight as their skeletons fractured into shards.

three 'as' in that sentence. end it with 'weight, their skeletons
fracturing'

Also, that seems too bland. Might want to throw in some more descriptive
imagery

Like a well oiled machine, the Knight Sabers sprang into action. Sylia

took

to the air as Nene fell back, her hardsuit generating EM waves at high
frequency which wreaked havoc with the boomer's gyros, making them easy

prey

for Linna and Priss as they darted into they fray, the armor of the

boomers

resisting, but gradually denting into pieces under the repeated blows.

that second sentence is long. I write long sentences, but that one is
awkward.

"Phantom!" Guran called as he too emerged from underground, carrying a

large

laser cannon. Taking it, the Phantom took aim as his suit's systems

connected

with the cannon's targeting scanners, bringing up the HUD in his mask.

"Computer," Phantom said, firing at the boomers whenever he could as he
dodged their return fire. "Uplink to Ghost Eye One for tightbeam com
transmission to Sparks."

"Operator," replied a boy's voice a moment later. It was very young, it's

its

owner couldn't have been more then fifteen.

I know older people that have young voices like that. :P

Sparks was actually only

fourteen, but he was quite possibly the best computer expert in the world

"Sparks, have you been watching those old movies again?"

Sparks: Showgirls is cool.

Phantom: I'll never understand you.

A snicker was the

reply. The Phantom decided to ignore that.

The middle of a firefight is not the time for such a scolding, no.

"I don't need a sales pitch, Sparks, I need to know where it's

its

weak spot is."
Silence. "Sparks?"

"Here. Sorry. Needed to hack into Genom's files. Took me a few seconds.

My, he is good.

 No

weak spot persay, but the armor is only half an inch thick just below the
back of the neck in a two square inch section. That's where it keeps the
antenna for it's

its

 com gear." A diagram flashed in the Phantom's mask of the

boomers, a small square highlighted.

"Got it. Thanks, Sparks. Computer, cancel uplink and log on to Phantom Jet
mainframe. Download saber tac net band."

Did they let him in on it, or did he hack his way in earlier?

"...Watch your left, Linna!" Sylia was shouting as the suit's com
synchronized with the Saber's tactical net.

"Hey!" Nene broke in. "Somebody just hacked the tac net!"

That was fast.

"Already there," Priss said, already

overuse of 'already'

glared at the Phantom. "How did you get into our tac net anyways?"

"The phantom's

Phantom's

jet simply decoded your scrambling, while

don't think  you need that comma

 you were engaged in

battle with the rogue's

rogues

Nene glared at Guran for a moment. "You are so losing your credit rating,"
she muttered and sat back down.

Heh

"Distraction?" Priss asked, joining them.

"Of course," Sylia said archly. "But from what?"

"Agggggghhhhhhhhh!" Linna and the Phantom shouted simultaneously, grabbing
their heads. The pain lasted only for a moment and then Linna recovered.

Hmm

"You okay?" Nene asked.

Linna: Yes, I usually scream out in pain to gain everyone's attention. It
doesn't mean anything is wrong.

They had told Linna Yamazaki there was no way she, a girl from a small

town

with barely any training could beat Sun-Yin, one of the fastest women in

the

world at the Eastern Games. Linna Yamazaki had beaten her by a full three
seconds.

That Sun-Yin had a broken leg at the time notwithstanding

They had told her that she would never compete professionally again after

her

knee injury. Linna Yamazaki took first at the Japan national Games in
Kung-Fu.

After Hammoto had used her, Linna Yamazaki had vowed that never again,

would

she be used for someone else's plans.

Sylia: That's what she thinks. Hehehehe.

But in the jungle, watching an ordinary man

Of all the things he is, that isn't one of them.

 >

The kay suit raised it's

its (watch out for that mistake)

For a moment, they heard nothing, and then Linna's voice came over the

com.

"It's all right, it's over." Resetting their faceplates, the Sabers found
themselves looking at a the remains of the clearing, the burned out wreck

of

the kay suit in the middle. All the figures were gone save two, a man and
woman facing the Phantom. The woman's lips moved, and then they vanished.

His parent's probably.

"Praise be, Great Nekoaluri," Guran whispered softly.

He stopped the kay suit and got all the experience points. Sorry, KS, no one
levels this time out.

Nice work. Fight  scene flowed well. Really short, but most of these
chapters have been


D.B. Sommer

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