Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. Rev. 2.4

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. 
 My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

Accept those comments and criticism that
you find useful, ignore the rest.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


1)Give your story a title. That's the first thing the reader sees, and
lacking cover art, it's the most likely thing to attract a reader. 

2)Don't explain or tell readers "not really sure where I plan to go 
with this . . ."

It implies you're not serious about the story and the writing process. If
you're unsure or don't care, why should the reader?

3)Disclaimer. IMO, out of respect for the effort and creativity of the
original author a short, simple disclaimer giving due credit by name is
best.

4)I'm against 'keys' for things like *thoughts* and ~telepathic speech~.
I recognize the limits of ASCII, but things like that should be evident
from context w/o a key. Keep it simple. IMO you can use *italic* and
_BOLD_ and get the same sort of effect with less effort and confusion.
And if you want to use ~telepathic speech~ (though the Rhine Institute
used to use #telepathyA#) that's fine. But your use should be evident
from the context. IF the reader has to keep looking at a key, the story
quickly bogs down. And if they don't have to go back and forth to the
key, you don't need it in the first place. There are some exceptions to
this, such as very involved SF or Fantasy novels or series that have fold
out maps, genealogical outlines, dictionaries of languages, etc.  but it's
best to avoid that sort of thing as much as possible.

In your story, w/o the key, it's obvious from context that ~word~ is
Metalia 'speaking' and *word* is Beryl 'speaking'. AND since you're
already using "word" for normal speech AND since you state explicitly
that there is "a voice in the woman's head", you do not need the key.

5) IMO, START with 'the woman' staring out the window. (BTW,
they're going to be giving her a bath every day. Plus turning her to
prevent bed sores. At least in any facility I'm familiar with.  VERY good descriptions, but  you you might want to point out why this is a special case or at least accepted where ever Jane Doe is.)
 The conversation with the voices in her head is the real start of your story. 


EXAMPLE:

     *People, faces frozen in silent  screams . . .*

     Jane Doe' stared out of the grimy hospital window.

     *Creatures, their bodies twisted, distorted mockeries of human 
beings . . .*

     Her matted, greasy hair lay tangled against her almost fleshless
skull.

     *Glowing buildings of crystal  . . .*

     Her clawlike hands twisted in the bed sheets as she waited for what
she knew would come. What always came.

     *Crescent moon, burning like molten gold . . .*

     That was what she remembered first. Like liquid fire, branded
on the woman's forehead.

     *The staff, taller than the woman. The crystal staff, burning
with fire . . .*

     Silver fire. As the staff pointed at her. Silver fire.

     That was what she remembered last.

     ~It doesn't have to end that way~ 

     *Go away* Jane Doe thought peevishly. *You're just a drug induced halucination.*
     
     ~I can help you.~

END EXAMPLE

Obviously NOT the only way to do this. The point I'm trying to make
is START as far into the action as possible. AND, integrate the
narrative into the action.  Rather than a static block of description of
'Jane Doe', work that into the narrative. AND only what you need at
that point in the story. For instance, I left out the grey hair, age, etc. as not needed AT THIS INSTANCE. At the start, the greasy hair and
fleshless skull are sufficient to give the picture of a woman who is in
bad shape. Grimy hospital window implies a second rate facility. (Not
enough money to spend washing the window.)

Also, I don't have to tell the reader "The 'patient', known only as 'Jane
Doe' . . ."

IF I use "Jane Doe stared out the grimy hospital window"

1) Jane Doe implies she's unknown.
2) 'hospital window' implies she is a patient. 


Then, get to the 'voice' as quickly as possible after the setup. 


You could just as easily START:
EXAMPLE 2:
     Jane Doe's hands clawed at her face as images flooded her
tortured mind. Creatures twisted and torn, crystal building that rose to
the stars . . .

     ~I can help you~ Whispered the voice in her head, sweet as
poisoned candy.

END EXAMPLE 2
And add descriptions of the hospital and Jane Does appearance during
the conversation. 


IMO, some interesting ideas. I like the concept. Your description of
Jane Doe was very vivid. And a nice job with Artemis.
I think you might try playing around with different ways of integrating
narrative and dialogue into the story. 

A few links I find useful:
     
http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

http://www.geocities.com/twadvice/

http://hobgoblin.net/resources/createlink1.asp

     


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