--- Cute Kitsune Kaydee <fox1@colla.com> wrote:

This is a very rough draft fic. Please suggest how it can be improved.

- This is, more or less, eight pages of raw exposition. Given out like
this, direct from narrator to reader, that's usually not a good thing. 
One way around this is to work the backstory into dialogue.
- The pace of exposition is also way too fast. It works if this is a 
part two and you've got one paragraph to say what's happened so far,
but to kick off a story, ack.
- "He said he did not age anymore. He said he would meet them in the
future." <-- tastes kinda bland. One of the great and enjoyable facets
of writing is that one recieves the opportunity to spin sentences with
Quite Remarkable Flavour, imparting to them a fascinating afterimage.
- ...Though that could be just me. :)
- Needs more commas.
- There's not really all that much emotional impact for the reader so
much as there is a laundry list of, "This happened, then this happened,
then this happened, then this happened...." 
- Good fusions take work. Good multifusions, even more so. 

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