Hello there,
There's an old fable that holds if you "speak of the devil, he will appear", which apparently holds true for C&Cers, since I find myself
here.  Therefore you have no one to blame but yourself. ^_O

I'll skip my usual disclaimer since you know me, but will add
that after my wife had to undergo cold laser surgery on her
retina, she then got bronchopneumonia. After which my Irish
Wolfhound was diagnosed with possible metastatic liver cancer.
Everyone's alright now (recovering from pneumonia nicely and
no cancer found) but I am not in a real upbeat mood. So keep
that in mind when reading my C&C. ^_* (Or better, run
screaming into the night like a sensible person.)


1) skip the preamble, especially the bit where you say "This
version is better . . . (it's not awful . . .)" etc, etc.  NEVER,
NEVER NEVER (get the idea?) run down your story! That's
MY job. ^_*
Let the story speak for itself!!!

2)go through the story and change 95% of the places where
you have "she said" "Nodoka said", "Ranma said", "said
Ranma Saotome",  etc. 

Better to use some variation:

"Nodoka implored", Groused Ranma", "Sneered Genma"
"Nabiki laughed" " whispered kasumi", etc, etc, etc. 


Good also 
"Akane asked absently" "Ryouga said thoughtfully" "Kodachi 
murmured despairingly" or "Kuno barked!"
 
I don't mind "he said" "she said". Sometimes it's the best way.
BUT, if that's all you use, or what you're using the majority of
the time, IMO, it's grating and unnatural sounding. Have the wording fit the mood of the speaker and situation. "Said" or "asked" is very generic and bland.

3) "as though filled with fear" 
followed a few lines down by 
"as though in reverence of the newly born rain storm"

Go through the story and change areas where you're using
similar phraseology too close together. 

Such as:
     "It suddenly appeared, just right before I found Pop,"
he said, wishing there was more he could say. However, even
if he could say anything more, . . ."

     "there was more" followed by "anything more"


For example:

     "It suddenly appeared, right before I found Pop," he
said, wishing he had something further to add. Even if he had
more to say . . ."


4) "VOICE"

I blame modern education. There's too much of it. <sigh>
EVERYONE understands style and grammar. But that's not
how most people speak or think. :( 
It's too formal and too  perfect.
Fortunately I never learned style or grammer. ^_+


For example:

"I don't trust this weather. It's too ominous. And it's 
those kind of storms I hate the most! He looked back up at 
the unmoving sky. "Something bad always happens." He 
thought about the word he had used, 'Storm... there's no 
lightning and thunder, yet I can't help but think of this 
as anything but a storm!'




<aaaakkk!> Ranma has been possessed by the ghost of Little
Lord Fauntleroy (by Frances Hodgson Burnett). This is NOT
(IMO) Ranma's 'voice'. Ranma would be something more along the lines of :

     "This weather is givin' me the creeps.  Somethin' bad's
gonna happen in this storm." He frowned, puzzled by
something" "Storm? But there ain't no thunder or lightnin' . . .
but it _feels_ like a storm comin'."




NOTE: NOT the only way, or even the best way. BUT, notice
I've tried to simulate a rougher speech pattern.  AND, I've
replaced "can't help but think" with "feels like", on the
assumption that a martial artist works with his whole body
(trained reflex) and is more apt to go with 'feeling' rather than
'thinking' (though it's a _Trained_ feeling, based on
experience, but operating on a subconscious level)

And again:

     "Hmm, I wonder is this strange occurrence in the air 
tonight is related to the story of an odd man that the 
neighbourhood watch representative brought to Tendo and 
me?" Ranma heard Genma say, after his father stepped over 
and on him.



<whoops!> Just a teeny bit convoluted. ^_*


Possible alternative:

     "Hmmm, Genma mused, stepping over his prostrate
son," I wonder if this is related to the story the neighborhood
watch brought to Tendou tonight?"

     "What did he say, dear?" Nodoka asked, worriedly.

     "Something about an odd man . . ."

NOTE: NOT the only or best, but IMO, breaking it up is
better, rather than one VERY long sentence. (Unless you're
German. ^_* They LOVE long sentences. I _think_ the record
is three pages for a single sentence.)


5)START with the action, as far into the story as possible.
Most of the begining with Ranma the rain, Genma, etc, isn't
really needed. IMO, I'd start close to the introduction of :

    "Yes, I am the one who makes people nervous," said the 
stranger.

Most (not all) of the earlier section doesn't really move the
story along. You want to HOOK the reader, so get to the
mysterious stranger ASAP. Start with a monster eating the
heart of the world. Now that's new and interesting. ^_*


OVERALL:
1)voice: language is too formal and correct. It doesn't sound
natural. 
2)Use more vivid imagery and wording.
3)START with the world/heart eating monster. ^_* That's the 
good stuff. I was really impressed with that image/idea. 
Most creative.



a few links to places I've found useful:

http:://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html

http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm

http://freereads.topcities.com/narrativedialogue.html

http://writing.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/cliche.html

http://writing.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/clarity.html

http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm


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