In a message dated 1/17/03 5:24:19 PM, allynyonge0000@netscape.net writes:
oh boy, another easy one to C&C.
I love it when people know how to tell a story. ^_*
We try.
1) you might leave out [1st draft][Fusion]
that way the chapter number would show up. I kept thinking it was a repost
of the first chapter� due to a server glitch or something. ^_*
Granted, however, I don't want to be accused of reposting either. Lemme give
this one some thought.
2)Some really snappy dialogue and an interesting premise.
I believe it was you who said that I had a knack for dialouge.
However (you knew there was a however coming, didn't you)
Of course.
A] there's not a lot of difference in 'voice' between the characters.
usagi/naru/ami/tuxedo mask/jadite, etc all sound pretty much alike.
Usagi and Naru think a lot alike. They're both young, self confident, and
don't care to much what other people think of them. I don't know if we can
lump Tuxie and Jadeite in there. We haven't seen too much of them in this
fic.
As for Ami, she spends a great deal of time with Usagi and Naru, it makes
sense that she would pick up thier speech patterns. Even more so, now that
Spiderwoman has entered the picture and needs Ami to be as far from herself
as possible.
B] There's not a lot of dynamic tension, due IMO to the fact that usagi
is just too cool and accepting. Part of the charm of the original SM is the
clumsy crybaby evolving into the Moon Princess. I'm not getting much of a
feel for any sort of 'conflict' (other than the 'kicking ass' kind)
Agreed. However, that was canon. In this case, we are focusing on Ami rather
then Usagi, who instead provides comedy relief. That, and she's fun to write.
What you're doing with the characters is cute, but there's not a lot of
depth. OTOH, it IS a nice action story (along the lines of "Destroyer" by
Warren Murphy & Richard Sapir for instance. with Usagi as Remo williams)
Pretty much the same holds true for Ami. I'm not getting much of a feel for
any emotional conflict.� For example, Peter Parker had to work for a living
. . . Ami has a trust fund and almost effortlessly makes a million on the
stock market.
I debated her getting the money from her Grandfather, but it seemed
unlikley. What I may do is scrap the scenes entirely and have her mug
criminals that she captures instead.
Now, there's a fine old tradition for this. The Lone Range had a silver mine
and could shoot the gun out a bad guy's hand at half a mile while riding at
a full gallop while Doc Savage, the Man of Bronze had a gold mine and could
do brain surgery with a bent spoon while making a dead stick landing in the
Concord during a Typhoon.
I'd prefer more conflict/dynamic tension myself, but some of the best
selling books in the world were rip-roaring adventures in a similar vein.
(E.R.B. didn't do great literature, just great adventures. ^_*)
Yeah, I enjoyed the John Carter of Mars books. I think I even have books
seven and eight in a box in the garage somewhere.
3)The story is a bit dialogue heavy. I'd like to see more narrative. it's
GOOD dialogue, but the story feels a little disembodied. Some narrative
would help 'flesh' out the story.
Yeah. I think part of my problem is that I whipped this chapter out in a week
or so, rather then my usual policy of letting it stew for a few days once I
finished.
Time to do some editing...
*************
Steve "Komodo" T.
"Great," Nabiki said, getting up to pace as her voice began to climb in
volume with every word. "Kasumi gets a man who worships the ground she walks
on, Akane has three different rich lunatics, or kings, or Demigods fall in
love with her nearly every day--and that's just before breakfast, mind
you--and what do I get?" She glared at SETCOM's burnished black metal shell,
her voice soft, but her tone as cold as ice. "A computer."
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