[FFML] Re: [fanfic][Ranma1/2][lemon] Sextacular Chapter 3

What She Wore (clothing description when writing romance novels):
http://www.classicreader.com/read.php/sid.6/bookid.619/

Narrative & Dialogue: http://freereads.topcities.com/narrativedialogue.html

The Craft of Writing: http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm
esp. the section on "Vivid Language", one of my favorites. ^_*

Erotic Writing Tips: http://www.heatherbond.freeuk.com/1024n/

Writing Resources:

http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html
EVERYTHING a writer needs, from punctuation & grammar to mythology, culture forensics, military, celtic and much much more!

Just a couple of quick comments.
There are some hysterically funny bits in this story.
I especially like your Ranma/Ryouga interaction
and Kuno's dialogue when he first appears.

Problems:
1)The introduction is slow and stilted in places.
Example: "the enormous, palatial room"
is a tad redundant. And your transition between the
first dream, waking, then the second dream is difficult
to figure out. That's mostly a problem with writing in
ASCII. Personally I use something like
@@@@
@@@@

to set off a dream or flash back. But any sort of
visual cue to help the reader is useful.

2)Again using the introduction for examples,
the narrative descriptions are occasionally awkward. Tweak
them just a tad so they blend more smoothly
with the dialogue.

ORIGINAL:
All tension left Ranma's body as he laid back on the silk divan and relaxed.
The loose-fitting toga he wore (and nothing else) allowed the smooth cloth
to delicately caress his flesh. That he wore a toga was a bit of an oddity,
but it was appropriate garb considering the Roman-style architecture
surrounding the enormous, palatial room. Fluted columns and marble tile
stretched to curtain-covered walls. It was like something out of those old
blockbuster movies that lost tons of money but won critical acclaim.

CHANGE EXAMPLE:

Tension drained from Ranma as he relaxed on the silk divan. The
blue velvet toga that delicately caressed his naked flesh perfectly complimentedthe fluted Roman columns and marble mosaic tiles of the palatial room.It was like something out of a blockbuster movie that lost tons of money,but won critical acclaim.

@@EXAMPLE ONLY for illustrative purposes. NOT
the only way or even the best way to do this!

85 words for the first vs. 53 words for the second, which is close to my
normal rule for cutting one word in five. IMO you want the intro to be
much faster paced. And timing is especially critical in a comedy.
Otherwise the 'punch line' goes flat. ^_O
I'd cut the entire story down to improve the pace and timing.
WHAT you cut and how depends on the effect you're looking
for, but I think a faster pace overall would be good.

2)Regarding things like "sperm" and 'dicktease' I'd change
all of that, just because it's not very interesting in terms
of description. I refer you to the article on "vivid language"
referenced at the start for a better explanation than I could ever give.

3) Akane/Nabiki/Kasumi all "sound" too much alike, IMO.
Need more of a distinctive voice for each one.
(see references at start for more on 'voice')

OVERALL: some ROTFLOL stuff.
(I loved the 'flashback' to the school
where Ranma is trying to get Ryouga a date
and the: "who's the guy that comes through for
you ten times out of ten?" shtick. ^_O)

IMO & ONLY IMO, it would be funnier if faster paced, so
cut the whole thing by about 1/5. Replace the obvious
terminology "sperm", "dicktease" etc with
more vivid and less blunt phraseology.
I have been accused of prudery due to my
objection to 'real' language. ^_O

IMO language sets the mood. 'Dick', 'Cunt', 'Sperm', etc
are perfectly appropriate for a crime drama
or a Waffen SS rape, for example. I personally
think they work less well for comedy/romance, but
that's just my opinion. (I refer you to chapter 24
of "Lure the Tiger" for an example of how I write
romantic/erotic scenes.)

I hope this has been useful. As always this is ONLY
my opinion. Take what, if anything you, find useful and
ignore the rest.

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