Subject: [FFML] Re: [1st draft][Fusion][SM/Spiderman]The Amazing Spiderwoman: Chapter Three
From: allynyonge0000@netscape.net (allyn yonge)
Date: 1/17/2003, 8:22 PM
To: Kyhdin@aol.com, ffml@anifics.com


oh boy, another easy one to C&C.
I love it when people know how to tell a story. ^_*

1) you might leave out [1st draft][Fusion]
that way the chapter number would show up. I kept thinking it was a repost
of the first chapter  due to a server glitch or something. ^_*

2)Some really snappy dialogue and an interesting premise. 

However (you knew there was a however coming, didn't you)

A] there's not a lot of difference in 'voice' between the characters.
usagi/naru/ami/tuxedo mask/jadite, etc all sound pretty much alike.

B] There's not a lot of dynamic tension, due IMO to the fact that usagi
is just too cool and accepting. Part of the charm of the original SM is the clumsy crybaby evolving into the Moon Princess. I'm not getting much of a feel for any sort of 'conflict' (other than the 'kicking ass' kind)
What you're doing with the characters is cute, but there's not a lot of depth. OTOH, it IS a nice action story (along the lines of "Destroyer" by Warren Murphy & Richard Sapir for instance. with Usagi as Remo williams)
Pretty much the same holds true for Ami. I'm not getting much of a feel for any emotional conflict.  For example, Peter Parker had to work for a living . . . Ami has a trust fund and almost effortlessly makes a million on the stock market. 

Now, there's a fine old tradition for this. The Lone Range had a silver mine and could shoot the gun out a bad guy's hand at half a mile while riding at a full gallop while Doc Savage, the Man of Bronze had a gold mine and could do brain surgery with a bent spoon while making a dead stick landing in the Concord during a Typhoon.

I'd prefer more conflict/dynamic tension myself, but some of the best selling books in the world were rip-roaring adventures in a similar vein.
(E.R.B. didn't do great literature, just great adventures. ^_*)

3)The story is a bit dialogue heavy. I'd like to see more narrative. it's GOOD dialogue, but the story feels a little disembodied. Some narrative would help 'flesh' out the story.

Overall, a nice adventure story in the tradition of Doc Savage, Spider, Master of Men or The Radio Planet.


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