Hi Allyn, and thank you for taking the time!
----- Original Message -----
From: "allyn yonge" <allynyonge0000@netscape.net>
To: ""KaraOhki"" <karaohki@snet.net>; <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 15, 2003 3:02 PM
Subject: RE: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma]Thursday Evening
my first bit of C&C after dealing with Real Life. ^_*
Fortunately an easy one to deal with since you understand story-telling.
IMO this is a matter of different ways of telling a story.
as written it's a nice low key piece, sort of like J. Palmers Seasons or
Colors stuff. {which means you need to take anything I say, not with a
grain of salt but with the whole salt mine, since I don't do nice and my
idea of low key is to keep the body count down in the double digits.)
Heh
Now if I were writing it I'd make it shorter and sharper. instead of
using dialogue to tell the story I'd probably SHOW, using
flash-back/narrative and put the reader there in the action with 'Aunt
Akane' and switch back and forth between 'present' time with Akane
shadowing kasumi and 'past' time, gradually having past/present converge
to the final scene in the hospital with the two Akanes. Then again, no one
has accused me of being either low-key or subtle lately. ^_*
That was an idea I toyed with, but writing flashbacks is something that
has to be VERY well done or you confuse or turn off your audience. Having
written a multi-part fic that way (Breaking Free), I knew I'd really have
my work cut out for me if I tried it with this one, and I wasn't up to it.
The one REAL complaint i have with your story as written
is the opening, which is far too slow and obvious. It's been done to
death, as has Akane's cooking. IMO not really necessary for your story to
go into Akane & her bad cooking.
Read it again, my friend. Akane's cooking isn't bad. It's improved
enough for the family to eat it without running for their lives. Her
problem at the very start of the story is that Ukyo and Shampoo haven't
caught on to that yet, and think their poor Ranma needs to be rescued on
the second Thursday of the month. What I was trying to do here was show
Akane's willingness to rescue Ranma from an uncomfortable situation, and
his willingness to not only eat her cooking, but help her clean the
kitchen--a definite improvement in their relationship.
IMO you could just as easily START somewhere around the bit where kasumi
first comes in and Soun says she doesn't have to keep doing this.
The "poetry club" and a couple of other minor scenes could also be
removed
w/o affecting the core story. I'd rather see more of kasumi or Aunt
akane or Soun to help flesh out the story, though simply removing those
scenes would, IMO, quicken the pace slightly w/o changing the overall mood
& style.
A nice sweet story as written.
Thanks a LOT for writing to me. I'm not sure if I'll change the story,
having worked very hard on it, but you always give me something to think
about. And I skipped the salt, by the way. I've got high blood pressure.
June
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