Comments@@


"Dave Menard" <menard5078@rogers.com> wrote:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Allyn Yonge" <allynyonge0000@netscape.net>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Monday, January 13, 2003 4:24 PM
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][ranma][lime?]Lure the Tiger from the
Mountains22-24/30


Okay, you know the drill ^_^ Anything I say is MY OPINION ONLY, take it or
leave it as you please. I'm going to concetrate on story-based C+C, and
mostly leave the grammar and spelling to others (such as the Grandee of the
Grammar Gnomes) who will likely do a better job of it than I could.

I would also like to thank all the people who wrote to me about
my wife's eye-surgery. I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply to each
of you, but shortly after her surgery she contracted bronchopneumonia. :(
She's doing much better now, but things have been a little hectic.

Glad to hear she's doing better.

@@Thanks. We were worried for a while.
@@@@

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


           Lure the Tiger from the Mountains


************************************************

************************************************

Chapter: 22
Da cao jing she
(Beat the grass to startle the snake)

<SNIP>

      Nabiki tuned out the conversation when Moeko
started a discussion on her new Doujinshi "Sinful Rose
Garden." Manga about pretty boys doing pretty things to
each other against a flowery background didn't appeal to
her. She supposed she'd been spoiled growing up, since
Akane was almost always surrounded by very athletic boys
in various states of undress.

This is new information. From previous chapters I got the impression that
Akane's "groupies" were mostly female athletes. Perhaps you might want to
allude to the Tendous having athletes of both sexes constantly training
about the house.

@@Actually I was thinking in terms of Akane competing
in martial arts and being surrounded by boys at
matches . . . but other people have also been confused so
I obviously needed to make this clearer.
@@@@

      "What are you thinking about?" Ukyou asked softly,
startling her out of her reverie.

About Ukyo- So far s/he's taken a mostly adversarial tack when dealing with
Nabs and co. Why the sudden change? Or, if it was the beating s/he took, why
is s/he so complacent about it? Or is s/he pulling another version of
Ranma's dodge?

@@Ooops. I missed this one. I go into this one in more detail, but
obviously I needed to add more detail. Basically Ukyou has decided
that a frontal attack (especially since Genma is missing) isn't going to 
work so he's going for ambush tactics. That is, wait until Ranma/Genma
makes a mistake. As soon as he sees an opening Ukyou will strike.
Plus, better to have allies than more enemies.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      "I said you have a nice butt," Nabiki replied calmly.
"Small, well defined. Not flabby like a lot of guys."

      "Yeah?" Noriko moved to take a closer look at
Ukyou's assets. "Some guys are all gross and wrinkly."

Eh? Has she been checking out the old men at the bathouse or something?
Flabby I can see. Hairy, I can see. But Wrinkly?

@@and this one has also come up with other readers. 
Hey, I don't make this stuff up. I just calls 'em as i sees 'em (unfortunately)
It's amazing what shows up on cable movies these days (or with
unfortunate keyword choices on GOOGLE) I freely admit I didn't do
a lot of research on this one (and I'm NOT gonna) but from hurried
glances (darn remote is always out of reach when you REALLY need
to change the channel) that's what i used for this. 
@@@@

      "And hairy!" Moeko added, shuddering. "I like 'em
smooth and tight. They make a better sound too."

      "Sound?" Ukyou gulped as the girls began to circle
him, like sharks smelling blood in the water.

      "When ya spank 'em." Moeko answered with relish,
the 'stupid' very obviously left unsaid.

      "Spank?" Kimoko's eyes went wide. "Have
you . . .?"

      "Heh . . ." Moeko smirked. "I keep _telling_ you
that Doujinshi are educational.

Funny as this bit is, it doesn't make a whole lotta sense. While much
spanking of bishonen tushie may take place in a yaoi doujin, it's unlikely
that she has much of a basis for comparasion, on- or off-paper; surely no
flabby arses get paddled in pretty-boy doujin?

@@Again, I don't make this stuff up. This is a composite
from several online articles a couple of books and several
magazine articles. From what i read some Japanese school girls
are VERY advanced. ^_^
 There seems to be a lot of school girl
prostitution for extra money, better grades or blackmail. 
Basically this is a composite
conversation based on several sources (fiction/nonfiction Japanese 
as well as American/Canadian/European) of teenage girl conversations.
BUT I see what you're saying. I need to tweak this a bit.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      "You _pinched_ me!" Ukyou gasped in outrage.
"On the BUTT!"

"On the ass" might make a better emphatic use of slang in this instance,
since a) you've used a great deal of "butt" so far, and b) it has been my
experience that "ass" is more "male" a euphemism.

@@Hmmmm . . .I actually use "ass" later in the story.
"butt" just seemed to fit better but I see what you 
mean. "ass" might have been better. I was actually
thinking that Ukyou was watching his language
around Nabiki, but on reflection "ASS" might have been
funnier"
@@@@

<SNIP>
       - - "so don't worry - - Don't do that, you'll just
make the knots tighter - - don't worry about me. There
should be plenty to eat in the pantry, and Nabiki knows
where the checkbook is," another thump and a sound as if
something were bouncing . . .hopping frantically?  across
the floor, "Ohhhhh, _naughty_ girl. When I get my hands - -"

Poor Kodachi... Paying of the karmic debts of a thousand alternate versions
of herself...

@@<VBG>
@@@@

<SNIP>

       "Junk, another bill, Toyama Prefecture Power
Lifting Monthly . . ." he started to toss that aside, then did a
double take. On the cover, under a banner that shouted 'We
Have the POWER!',  Akane held a can of 'Ginko Super
Complex' in her right hand. With her left, she  straight-
armed a small-block V8 engine. Thick cords of muscle
bulged in her arm and the cut-out midriff shirt framed a
granite-hard abdomen. But it was her eyes that caught and
held Ukyou's attention; the look of grim, almost fanatical
determination, to never let go.

      "And they called _me_ crazy for training against the
raging sea?" He muttered to himself, tossing the magazine
on the table.

Okay, this is as good a place to bring it up as any; you don't really need
to keep re-emphasizing how scary Akane is in this timeline. At least once a
chapter, she seems tp perform some feat of strength or discipline that
shocks and/or horrifies one of the other cast members, who then groan about
how crazy and/or scary she is. Enough, already.  By chapter 22, we the
readers know she's a juggernaut. (And if we didn't by now, the fight scene
later on in this posting would clue us in.)

@@^_^
Well, it's hard for me to see when I've gone overboard.
And different readers seem to have different opinions
on what constitutes too much. I DID mean to work on this
one, although not because I thought it was too much. It
just didn't feel right. But with the distraction of RL I
forgot about it.

I probably should have cut this one out, but it wasn't 
a planned thing. It just came out as I was writing
and i left it because it felt right. The actually wording
felt off a bit, but the idea itself felt right. 
OTOH, this isn't the first time I've been accused of
being heavy handed. I'm going to have to see if
I can't get a better feel for that sort of thing. 
However I DO tend to write rather unsubtle
characters/stories. (At least I didn't blow up
Tokyo this time. ^_O)

(btw, the "fight scene" is about revision 5 or 6
and considerably toned down, believe it or not. ^_+)
@@@@

<SNIP>

            "I get the feeling that Akane-san's idea of high
fashion is matching barbells, and your big sister seems to be
neat and tidy, but I don't see her as a fanatic about house-
keeping, " Ukyou paused, appearing to ponder a complex
problem.  "So, unless your father . . .?" Ukyou smirked at
Nabiki's fulminating look. "Hmmmm . . .does that mean
Yendou Nabiki has a secret homemaker fetish?"

I don't know if that's a spelling error or a pun...

@@It's a PUN! O_+)
@@@@

<SNIP>


@@@@
    @@@@

      "Now, this is the critical part . . ." Little Kasumi
nodded solemnly as  Tendou Kimeko stared at the page in
her notebook with the same concentration Enrico Fermi
might have had in the Chicago University squash courts in
1942 when he tamed  nuclear fire.

Damn! Work that metaphor! ^_^

@@<BG>
@@@@

<snip very funny scene>

I hate to say it, but with this and the comment Nabs makes below, I wonder
if the late Mrs. Tendou was perhaps insane. A pleasant, generally harmless
sort of madness, but crazy all the same. Nabiki might not be 100% off in her
bitterness. It must have been very tough for all of them.

@@Actually I based her on a real Zen Master, Ryoukan Taigu (1758-1831)
he was also considered crazy by some people, although otherworldly I think
is a better description. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

      "Mama . . .lived in her own little world . . .she
_created_ worlds, and invited you to live there with her."
Hands jammed in her pockets Nabiki paced the kitchen.
"She couldn't cook, but read all the cooking magazines.
Couldn't balance a checkbook or keep house. But she
devoured the women's journals. I use to _dread_ the mail,
because I never knew what she'd try next."

Martha Stewart Living *is* the tool of the devil...

@@Actually I had that in mind when writing this.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      Ukyou hit the top stair to see Nabik framed in the
doorway to her father's room. His hand went to the hilt of
his uber-spatula as he heard Nabiki's shocked exclamation.
"Okay," he slid to a stop beside her. "What's goin - -
GENMA!" Ukyou was halfway across the room, weapon in
hand, before his furious shout died out.

Somewhere, either in or above that paragraph, you need to describe the scene
Nabiki sees upon opening the door to her Father's room.

@@You're the second person to say that. The first seemed
to recall reading such a scene in an earlier draft. I'm wondering
if i wrote it, then deleted it accidentally when making a revision.
I've done that before.
Good suggestion.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      "Dammit, the fat, fast, bald SOB that just did a

"Son of a bitch" is abbreviated S.O.B.- gotta be careful with that,
especially when your characters emotions are running high- it might be
assumed that they are actually sobbing.

@@<eeeep!>
Sorry about that. ^_^
@@@@

<SNIP>

       With a groan, Nabiki rolled over onto all fours, then
paused, feeling dizzy and sick, wanting noting more than to
collapse on the floor.

<snip vivid and fascinating new stuff added since the last draft>

Nice. A neat, comphrensive little digest of Japanese pop culture.

@@<Blush> Thanks.
I spent a LOT of time on this part. I'm glad it worked.
@@@@

      With a series of musical tones the phone made a
connection and she sank to the floor, leaving a smear of
blood on the wall. Leaning back, Nabiki closed her eyes and
listened to the phone ring.

      "Noriko," she whispered as her friend came on the
phone. " 's N'biki. Stuff's hit the rotary impeller. Got t' do
it now. Plan Nine."she chuckled weakly at Noriko's
response. "Yeah, from outer space. Jus' do it. An' No-
chan?" she strained to hear Noriko, who sounded as if she
were shouting from the bottom of a well. Why couldn't the
girl speak up? She started to ask Johnny Sokko, but he and
Giant Robo were playing shogi with Ultraman, and she
decided not to bother them.

One thing, though- "Johnny Sokko" is the name of the protagonist in the 1968
translated version; any version of Giant Robo that a girl Nabiki's age and
nationality would be familiar with would be controlled by Daisaku Kusama,
Johnny's "real" name.

@@I thought about that. But decided that FFML readers,
knowledgeable though they are, might be more familiar
with "Johnny Sokko". 
That's one of those things that's hard to decide when writing
a story set in another culture/language/species/time etc.
 I tried both, and decided on Johnny Sokko as being most
readable. I had a lot of trouble with what Japanese pop culture
I could use and keep the story readable.
@@@@

       "Doub . . .double th' reward too." Two- hundred
free plays would have every Pachinko player within three
hundred kilometers looking for Genma and the others like
flies on garbage. " 'riko-chan? Call 'mbulance," she slurred,
"think K'no broke my head."

      Slowly Nabiki slid along the wall to rest on the
floor, receiver falling from nerveless hands. Noriko's frantic
voice  was a tinny buzz from the receiver as she hammered
questions at Nabiki.

      *Death . . . is even more of a shock when it comes
unexpectedly and without warning.* Criswell intoned
solemnly, riding Mothra across the sky.

Okay, Where the heck did Nabs see Plan Nine from Outer Space or *anything*
featuring the amazing Criswell? From other story cues, this predates Tim
Burton's "Ed Wood", which, like all Burton's flicks did well in Japan. It
seems out of place, compared to all the other pop culture icons in her
hallucination.

@@^_^
Well, I could make an argument about that. It's amazing how wide spread
Plan-9 and the rest of Ed Wood's output is.
However, the REAL reason is that the tag line was too perfect
to end this chapter NOT to use it. ^_*
@@@@

************************************************

Chapter: 23
Jie shi huan hun
(Raise a corpse from the dead)

<SNIP>

      "And you," Kodachi's voice cracked like a whip and
the doctor flinched. "Go get a real doctor."

Ouch. There's a lot of rage in this scene, not all of it from the
characters. I take it you and yours have had some bad experiences with
Doctors with God Complexes? Still, all-in-all, a nice scene; I hate to
suggest it, but it might be excised or streamlined to speed up plot
development- after all, is the initial misdiagnosis going to affect the
story later one? If yes, then keep it. If not, you might want to trim and/or
cut it out entirely. Just my opinion.

@@ I don't like incompetence of any kind. Nothing
like that's ever happened to me, but I now of examples
and have read of others. This one is pretty much my own
creation. ^_*

You're right about trimming this scene. 
However part of the rational behind this story was to
try a more relaxed pace and more detailed narrative (since
I've had complaints/comments to the effect that my writing was
too frenetic/sparse)
@@@@

To quote the dishevelled detective, just one more thing- Akane and Kasumi
might take note later that Kodachi discharged (or was prepared to discharge)
her family's debt to the Temdous over the beating in the above scene...

@@I thought about that and would probably have
worked it into the story based on suggestions
by T.H.Tiger but RL problems rather wrecked my
train of thought and it never materialized.

IF Kunou hadn't been such an [expletive deleted]
Akane would have accepted an apology.
And I would have needed another scene for the story. ^_*
Fortunately I can always count on Kunou to be a real nebbish.
O_*
@@@@

<snip>

<SNIP>

punks in
white jump-suits with Elvis side-burns and dark-glasses.
They were trying to pick up girls to the sound of 'Blue-
Suede-Shoes" blasting from a state-of-the-art digital stereo
lashed to the back of a Suzuki sport bike, whose ownership
was problematic since a drill bit was still sticking from the
ignition.

I was under the impression that Elvis and Fifties music were passe with
Yanqui teens by the mid-eighties. Did they come around again, or is this an
error?

@@I won't vouch for it's absolute veracity since I can't find
my notes right now. However I got all of this from various
magazine articles, books and online sources. I _think_ the
Elvis stuff was from a pretty recent article on teenage
fashion and it's changes in Japan. As i recall the Elvis's were
one of several 'leftover' sort of things that seem to float
around on the fringes. Sort of a counter-culture
being deliberately out of style. Would be a rougher element
or perhaps like gang-colours?
 I want to say the article was 1999-2000 or so, but
can't say for sure right now. I'll try to find my original working
notes for this section.
@@@@

      A group of men and women in orange-robes banged
Indian tambourines, chanting Hari-Krishna as they handed
out bowls of rice-curry to a long line of homeless men. In
the midst of this foaming river of humanity

Once again, your descriptive skills boggle the mind. Nicely painted.

@@Thanks. Most people seem to think of Japan as being
eternally clean and well kept. They've got problems with
pollution, gangs, homeless, etc as well. Some of it pretty
sad and strange.
@@@@

lay an
oppressively sterile space in front of a plastic and steel
fronted building. A large sigh proclaimed that this was the
headquarters of the

      CHERRY BLOSSOM SOCIETY

       below that a smaller sign read:

      Youth Patriotic Assembly:
           Today at 4:45
            Kunou Tatiwaki.
Topic: Inoculating Japan against Foreign Infection

<snip rest of chapter>
Hoo-boy, the rumble at the Sakuranbo Society... You've certainbly picked an
easily-despisable group to use as your antagonists. Question- this is the
second story of yours in which the "Patriots" are the villains. (Bloodfist
comes to mind) Any particular reason you picked them twice?

@@Yep. They're snappy dressers. ^_*
Seriously, Right Wing Fanatics just seem to be easier to
do on paper. They's got neat slogans, uniforms, songs, etc.

I'll do a left wing/religious group like the Aum cult
one of these days. In this case a Right Wing Ultra Patriotic
group seemed to fit Kuno/School Gang best.
 Besides being flamboyant, they were easy to
research and fit into the story.
@@@@

************************************************

Chapter: 24
Shing dong ji xi
(Make a feint to the east while attacking in the west)

<SNIP>

******
    ******

      Ten years of martial arts training had hardened
Ranma's body to almost inhuman perfection but Akane was
no lightweight and sprinting three blocks with her in his
arms left him winded. He paused a moment to catch his
breath before he took a good look at his surroundings.

      *WOW!*

Either Ranma is nowhere *near* as jaded as he likes to act, or you need to
re-evaluate his rweaction to the Love Hotels. As I understand it, Love
Hotels are tacky and colourful all over Japan, not just Tokyo.

@@My feeling is that Ranma has spent most of his life OUT of 
Japan. That's the way i wrote the story. If you recall his memories
all seem to be about China, India, Russia, etc. and mostly
in the hinterlands rather than a big metropolis, so this really is
a big shock.
@@@@

<SNIP>

       Touts in shark-skin suits stood on every corner
extolling the virtues of their particular 'Leisure Hotel'.

      'DIXY INN: The Real American Experience',
Ranma read, puzzling out the confusing mix of romanji and
kanji 'Have a good time from me.'

Is the misspelling of "Dixie" deliberate, here?

@@Real hotel (according to my research) and that's the
way it was spelled. ^_*
@@@@

      'Hotel Chezi Moi.'

      'Body Sonic in each bed for a natural night.'

       The flourescent ocean-scape that rippled across the
giant-TV wall began to make him a little nauseous.

      Right next door was 'Little Chapel Christmas' hotel.
He figured Akane would like the free Santa Claus pajamas
and stuffed elf with glow-in-the-dark halo that came with
each room. But the robot Santa Claus in fishnet stockings
singing "Don't Dream it, Be it!" while nailed to a cross,
gave him the creeps and his eyes darted around looking for --

@_@';... That is hideous. Please tell me that you made that up. PLEEEZE!
(Lie to me if you need to!)

@@Well, yes and no. All the hotels/names are real. Most of the other
stuff is also real but I made some composites and exaggerated some
things. But not by much. ^_*
The "Little Chapel Christmas" is real.
The crucified santa is partially an urban legend, but
is supposed to be based upon a piece of art done to 
protest the commercialization of Christmas. 
@@@@

<SNIP>

     _Mermaid Room_

      Nostalgically, Ranma recalled teaching the French
Ambassador's daughter to play the midnight flute in a hot
tub in Oman. Now _there_ was a girl who understood
breath control. With a sigh he rejected that choice. Being
around a couple of thousand gallons of _cold_ water from
the in-room swimming pool didn't seem like a good idea
right now.

It would bode ill for his scheme. Might be fun for the readers, though! ~_^

@@I thought about it, but couldn't make it work.
@@@@

      _First Place Indy Race_

           Checkered-flag wall painting, formula-one bed  - -

      *Hey! Bumper Cars!*

Heeheehee! He's such a kid!

@@It just came to me. Seemed to fit.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      Akane nodded miserably.

      "You're going to have to apologize to Kunou for
that, probably a full temple ceremony."

While this may well be realistic, as a Westerner, I've gotta say-
"Priorities, people!"

@@I'm NOT an expert, but from various things I've read
it seems to fit.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      "Why don't you compete in weapons?"  Almost
eight years with the Meteor-Hammer? He wondered what
else he didn't know about her.

      "I'm too slow on my feet. But I demonstrate the
'Fire-Hammer' at festivals." Akane's body relaxed in the
hot water and a soft buzz slipped from her lips as she fell
asleep.

      *Oh joy!*, Ranma thought darkly, imaging Akane
swinging flaming iron pots on the end of a chain. *Do you
want your baka mashed or extra crispy?*

Once again, Ranma's constant horrified surprise at Akane's skill level
grates a little bit. Shouldn't he have reconciled himself to it yet?

@@Not horrified, so much as resigned. He's rather conflicted
On the one hand, Genma has raised him with the expectation that
1)people are a resource to be harvested for their use (Marks)
2)women are useless, treacherous pieces of fluff.
 On the other hand, he has a grudging respect for Akane's
toughness. He's surprised because she contradicts Genma's teaching
(all the Tendou's do for that matter) but he's attracted to her at the
same time. Part of the attraction is that she's tough and he
admires that. Growing up with Genma has made him associate
survival with strength and weakness with being a victim.
Too bad i didn't make that clear in the story. ^_^
@@@@

He suddenly
recalled Kasumi and the street-rats who'd broken in while
she was cooking.

      *Ouch!*

      What th' hell was up with these Tendou women and
burning oil?

More than he'd know, bearing in mind the incident with Mrs. Tendou and the
Vice-Principal...

@@LOL
@@@@


<SNIP>

Safe sex...

@@<BG>
@@@@

****
    ****

<SNIP>

      Rule forty-four: *Seduction is less fatiguing than
rape, plus they fix you breakfast in the morning.*

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

@@You can do both. That was the reaction i was looking for.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      Rule Seventy-one: *Confess how 'bad' you are, and
they'll think you're a saint.*

Question: Have you been keeping track of these? Wouldn't want to duplicate
the numbers on 'em...

@@I was, before RL got in the way.
I was going to put complete list at the end of the story, but
I'm not sure I can find all my notes now.
@@@@

<SNIP>

      "Ohhhhh," Akane said, understanding dawning. "Of
course.  Moeko always lets me read her Doujinshi when
she's through with them."

      "Oh, well, that's fine," Ranma started, feeling
relieved. Pornographic manga were great teaching aids.
Then he remembered that Doujinshi were - -

      " . . .know all about 'throbbing man-meat' and
'velvet covered steel' and 'going in the back door' and . . ."

       - - -homoerotica.

I have dozens of doujin that say you're wrong, or at least, not 100% right.
There are doujin for every kink under the sun, but mostly bondage,
lesbianism and homoerotica. A lot of "straight" sex, too. Now it's
concievable that the only doujin Akane (and Nabiki's friends in the earlier
chapter) might have read would be the gay ones, but Ranma, being a "man of
the world" wouldn't say that all doujin were homoerotica. Perhaps  "Then he
remembered that doujinshi, at least, *girl's* doujinshi, were-"

@@Hmmmm . . .well, again since RL interrupted I can't find all my notes.
But that sounds right. I guess i goofed. ^_~
@@@@

<snip>

      Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Taking a deep
breath he decided he'd treat this like he was learning a new
technique. Virgin-fu? The Cherry-fist?

Sakura-ken!

@@<groan>
Unfortunately I'm actually working on a story based on that
premise. ^_+
@@@@

<snip>

      "I don't!" She wailed, bursting into laughter as he
teased a tender spot under her knee.

      "This little fellow say different," he flicked one rock-
hard nipple with the end of his finger and was rewarded
with a full throated scream as Akane's body formed a
perfect bow as she arched off the bed. Picking himself off
the floor Ranma shook his head, a bit dazed, and watched as
Akane vibrated in the throes of a powerful climax.

@_@ Wound a little tightly, isn't she? My, my, my...

@@Too much coffee. Needs to switch to decafe.
@@@@

<snip>

      "Please . . .mmmmphhh . . ." she sucked in her
breath as he teased her navel with the melting ice. "P . . .
pppplease  - - "

      "Say it, or this is goin' south," he drew a teasing line
with the ice.

Hahaaha! VERY nice.

@@^_^ Thanks
@@@@

<snip>

<SNIP>

      Akane leapt, her naked form a blur as she tackled
him and he wondered if it would hurt much when she ripped
off his arms and legs.

      "And I LIKED it!" She grinned an _evil_ grin. And
as she straddled his trussed form Ranma realized Nabiki and
Akane had watched at least one movie featuring Hojojutsu,
the feudal art of restraining prisoners, quickly, with rope.

<claps hands twice> Poor Ranma, we hardly knew ye...

@@In a biblical sense? ^_~
@@@@

<snip>

<SNIP>

      "Hmmmm," Akane rummaged through what she'd
dubbed the 'toy chest', pulling out what looked like a tiny
plastic phallus, ignoring the little beeping light that charged
the cost to the room account. Turning it over in her hands
she jumped with a little squeak when it started vibrating
with a musical buzzing sound.

      "Oooooo, now what can we do with this?" Akane
asked rhetorically, since all Ranma could do was
'mmmmph' frantically through his gag, shaking his head as
Akane moved to stand over him.

Oh, gods... Y'know, the little shit deserves this...

@@Now THAT remark can be taken in a couple of ways.
@@@@

Interesting chapters, and it's nice to see some progress being made in
Ranma's scheme- I was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to make a
move. Nice to see you writing again, and I'm glad things have calmed down a
bit in RL. Hope this was helpful!

@@RL much better since the pneumonia was downgraded to 'only' bronchitis.

Thanks so much for taking time to write. VERY helpful.

A tiny preview of things to come:

Chapter 25: Ukyou & Nabiki
Chapter 26: Akane/ranko and Shadow people
Chapter 27: Genma & shadow people
Chapter 29: almost everyone
Chapter 30: resolving dynamic tension
epilogue: tying up lose ends. 




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