[FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma]Thursday Evening

my first bit of C&C after dealing with Real Life. ^_*
Fortunately an easy one to deal with since you understand story-telling.

IMO this is a matter of different ways of telling a story.
as written it's a nice low key piece, sort of like J. Palmers Seasons or Colors stuff. {which means you need to take anything I say, not with a grain of salt but with the whole salt mine, since I don't do nice and my idea of low key is to keep the body count down in the double digits.)

Now if I were writing it I'd make it shorter and sharper. instead of using dialogue to tell the story I'd probably SHOW, using flash-back/narrative and put the reader there in the action with 'Aunt Akane' and switch back and forth between 'present' time with Akane shadowing kasumi and 'past' time, gradually having past/present converge to the final scene in the hospital with the two Akanes. Then again, no one has accused me of being either low-key or subtle lately. ^_*

The one REAL complaint i have with your story as written
is the opening, which is far too slow and obvious. It's been done to death, as has Akane's cooking. IMO not really necessary for your story to go into Akane & her bad cooking.

IMO you could just as easily START somewhere around the bit where kasumi first comes in and Soun says she doesn't have to keep doing this.
The "poetry club" and a couple of other minor scenes could also be removed
w/o affecting the core story. I'd rather see more of kasumi or Aunt akane or Soun to help flesh out the story, though simply removing those scenes would, IMO, quicken the pace slightly w/o changing the overall mood & style.

A nice sweet story as written.

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