[FFML] Re: [FFML][Ranma/Palladium] Journey Part 3, Chapter 9


Here are some comments, useless mostly. Anyway, take what you like, and ignore the rest.

<snip>

	This declaration of his move elicited a groan of dismay before
his foe well flying a dozen meters back before impacting with the


his foe well flew a dozen meters back, impacting with the

practice arena wall.  From her shallow impact crater where she was


Is it a crater if she's yet in it? I'm not too familiar with this subject. ^_^

<snip>

but he had a reason for it.  "Now if I use it all the time how come you


time, how

<snip>

for his mental health.  When he first started sparring with the Amazon


Amazon, whenever

<snip>

would.  It was a wonder Great grandmother hadn't had her sedated.  No,


Great Grandmother or great grandmother
I suspect the former in this case is the better choice, as you probably use it more often than not.

it was vital to her new plan that her airen become used, even


use to

<snip>

three of them...and P-chan of course.  She couldn't believe that she


them... and
This is something else I'm not familiar with, but I think a space should follow elipses.

<snip>

leaped down upon the hapless man began to methodically beat the other


beat him

<snip>

since Ranma kept disarming his foe the armored man also had to waste


Ranma kept disarming him

<snip>

	"Are you sure my names Fred?" The other man said in a confused


my name's Fred?"

tone.
	"Of course I'm sure, nephew, why I named you myself," Ranma


nephew. Why I or nephew, because I

<snip>

guarantee that the mage did not answer his comm., the old man was all


comm. The old

<snip>

that fellow looking his way.  He had full stealth engaged and they never
activated those see invisible tattoos unless they actually thought they


those to see

<snip>

	"Ghost cat!  Where," Ranma shrieked eyes darting quickly around.


I have to disagree with this. I can't see Ranma getting scared at something that's not there, that he hasn't seen with his own eyes. Even a cat.

<snip>

real bear of a man and he had not been taken unawares like the other,


unawares like the other, earlier Sunaj had been. -> unaware like the others.

earlier Sunaj had been.  Ranma had been fortunate in taking out the
lackey early and had routed most of the collateral damage towards the
rear.  He had taken a beating but finally won just in time for the next
two assassins to rush inside.  These were much weaker but the constant
battles were beginning to take their toll.


I think that is a scene that should've been shown in its whole. As a reader, I feel a bit cheated for not having to been able to witness that battle.

<snip>

the people tricking in.  This wasn't his original plan, but...if there


trickling

<snip>

complex.  It was spartan however there was a modest but seemingly
advanced computer system.  Ranma couldn't really make head or tails of


It was sparten, however, there was
I actually suggest something more like
It was spartan, except for a seemingly advance computer system

<snip>

a time, but they seemed to come at him back to back.  He had trained
with Ryouga all day and hadn't been this tired.


He had once trained

<snip>

on one being, a mere human.  There was much more involved that he had


involved? Do you mean involvment?

<snip>

faster.  Regardless of how he moves his advances were all avoided by


of how he moved,

<snip>

	"You aren't to fond of Akane," Nabiki pointed out the obvious.


aren't too

<snip>

	"Hmm.  Lenient considering he was largely responsible for your
companions demise," Masayo mentioned without regret.  She considered


companion's

<snip>

	"She's with Balthazar studying," Jess said.  Nabiki smiled


Balthazar, studying," or "She's studying with Balthazar,"

<snip>

	"So she's willing to endure the maggot now for freedom in the
future.  I'm impressed I didn't know she had it in her."  Jess nodded at


I'm impressed. I didn't

Masayo's statement, she didn't know the princess had it in her either.
	"Any more problems with Ranma's...fianc�es," Masayo asked.


I'm often told myself to not use special characters when sending to the list: �.
Just go with fiancee.

<snip>

around," she paused and then shivered slightly.  "I think she spends too
much time with the damn hammer Ranma gave her.  I'm not sure but I think
she may talk to it."


Hammers being Akane's preferred bludgener of choice is a fanfic cliche. She actually usually hits Ranma with whatever's closest: table, chair, statue, flowerpot.

<snip>

projected was that of an empty room.  Used to dealing with surveillance
where hours, even days could pass before anything of note would happen


with surveillance, where hours

<snip>

the facts he wanted to be foremost in the victims mind and woke him.


victim's

<snip>

Atlantean clans took out the wayward Sunaj, Splynncryth would be out
another whole tier of minions that normally acted as informal bounty

Are you trying to say, 'Splynncryth would be out for another whole'?

Anyway, here are some closing thoughts:

It's very difficult keeping track of what's happening. I wish rather than the story flitting about between every character you show, that you reign in the perspective, and show only one character's perspective per scene.

Also, I felt Ranma was never in any danger whatsoever. He's just too good, which is bad. He's got so many tricks at his disposal, and he's so clever about using them, that I lost interest in what happened to him, because I knew nothing would ever really truly happen to him.

You have written a good mystery, on the other hand. I do want to know more about Splynncryth. Who is he? What does he have planned?

Anyway, my comments end here, useful or not (probably the latter).

Troy Thomas
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I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
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