Standard C&C Disclaimer:  The below is merely my own opinion and comes
with no guarantee of accuracy, usefulness, or humor.  Hopefully though,
it will be at least some of those.

On Tue, 7 Jan 2003 22:23:49 EST Kyhdin@aol.com writes:

"In any social situation, it helps to have a sense of humor...of 
course, it 
also helps to be the one buying the drinks. Therefore, a great deal 
of cash 
is necessary."
-B. Oliver Sommer, Becoming the Life Of The Party In Five Easy 
Steps.

Heh.

"Then you rob a bank?" asked the girl sitting across the lunch 
table. Blonde, 
hyperactive, and possibly mad, Usagi Tsukino was the richest girl at 
Juuban 
Academy. Willowy rather then slender, she appeared to be taller then 
Ami, the 
odangoes on her head adding to the illusion. Usagi, as the saying 
went, was a 
puzzle wrapped in an enigma. Her father headed up one of the largest 
technology cartels in the world. Himself a highly regarded aerospace 
engineer, Kenchi Tsukino was a philanthropist of huge proportions 
and donated 
generously to Juuban. Other then that, his contact with Usagi and 
her younger 
brother Shingo was minimal.

Huh.  Interesting.  Wasn't anticipating that particular character
fusion...

Also, isn't Usagi's fathers name Kenji, not Kenchi?  I could be wrong
though...

Intimidated by Usagi's wealth and their sense of humor, the duo had 
few 
friends, and would be syphochants, hoping to mooch off of Usagi's 
status and 
money were spotted within seconds. 

Needs a comma after money as is.  Would suggest instead rewording to:
"...friends.  Would be sycophants who hoped to mooch..."

"That was odd," Usagi said thoughtfully. "I 
wonder why 
'her highness' stopped Flash?"

"Beryl's not a queen, Usagi," Ami said, said, using napkins to get 
as much 
tomato sauce out of her hair as she could.

...Beryl... as a junior high student.  The mind boggles.
 

The disc was perhaps three inches wide and made of a sort of beige 
colored 
stone. Small characters encircled a beautifully detailed painting of 
a red 
and blue spider as seen from above against a background of stars. 
Ami over 
the face, admiring how well preserved it was. 

This last setnece is missing a verb.

Ami nodded to herself, already compiling the words for her essay in 
her mind 
when she got a jolt of static electricity and then something slammed 
into her 
from behind, shoving her into the case sending it falling over. 

Suggest inserting an "and" or at least a comma inbetween case and
sending.

She dreamed...

Of crystal palaces in cities of the same, of peaceful people, of 
friends and 
of queens.

"in cities of the same" reads awkwardly, thoguh this is probably
intentional.  I might consider changing it to "crystal palaces in crystal
cities" despite the repitition .

Of dark forces and destruction.

Of fifteen warriors, proud and strong who opposed those dark forces. 

Need a comma after strong.  Suggest also changing to "strong, opposing
those forces."

Hmm... fifteen?  Let's see... nine Senshi (assuming you count Sailor
Moon/Princess Serenity), Endymion and his four guardians makes
fourteen...  who would be the fifteenth then?  Beryl?  Or am I totally
off base here? ^_^

She walked through cities of stone and ice, soared above domed 
cities that 
hovered over seas of gas and stood before a massive gate that opened 
onto 
eternity.

Needs a comma after gas, I believe.

That was her face, but not her body. The young lady in the mirror 
was slender 
but it was an athlete's slenderness. 

Needs a comma after slender, I think.

Her arms and legs were toned, 
her 
stomach was flat, with just a hint of definition, and her 
chest...she turned 
sideways...she had definitely...well...she had filled out a little 
bit. Not 
that it was a bad thing, actually, she looked pretty good. She did a 
little 
strut. She could actually give Beryl a run for her money in the 
looks 
department and--

What was she thinking? Somehow she had undergone some bizarre 
meatamorphis 
overnight. If this ever got out...Turning away from the mirror, she 
donned 
her robe, gathered her bathing things and marched down the hall to 
bathe.

You possibly shouldn't capatilize turning to be consistant with how you
handeld the ellipsises in the last paragraph.

By the time she sat down to breakfast, she had almost convinced 
herself that 
the episode in front of the mirror hadn't happened. Especially since 
her 
school uniform hid the changes quite well. 

I think this last is a sentence fragment.

The problem was is that 
she was 
keenly aware that she had changed. 

Eliminate the is.

The stone tablet, the one with the spider, was it 
possible that 
it had somehow conferred the abilities of a spider upon her, 
abilities 
proportionate to her size? That she had become a human spider? But 
did that 
mean she had--but almost immediately, that thought was followed by 
the 
certainty that she had no spinnerets. Anywhere.

Not following the movie on that one, I see. ^_^

I know its in the original source material, but this deduction just seems
a little... sudden as is to me right now.  Not sure how to fix it though,
if indeed it needs fixing.
 

Another minor surge of panic rose up and she began massaging her 
temples, her 
watch reflecting the sunlight--her watch? She stared at it, the LCD 
face 
informing her she had three minutes to get to school. She made a 
noise in her 
throat. There was no way she could get there in time.

No, there was way.

"...was a way."

...and that's it for line by line comments.

Overall, I liked it.  The only potential problem I see is that Usagi and
Makoto might be a little too different from their canon SM personas. 
This problem affects Makoto a lot more than Usagi, to the extent that,
save for the gender, it's hard to see anything that seperates
Makoto/Flash from canon Spiderman's Flash.

*shrug*  That's just my opinon, though, and it's by no means a fatal flaw
to the story.  I'm certainly looking forward to seeing where this goes.


           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.geocities.com/anowack/
 

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